Offerman Quotes & Sayings

When I [first] went to university, I was doing foreign languages, because I had done them since I was 13 years old. I had done French and German. I picked up Italian, just sort of blasted through the exams, [and then] took off overseas, because I wanted to be an actor. I thought, "I'm just not academic." I'm not very competitive, in terms of acting. But since going back to university, I've realized, I am highly competitive. — Nick Offerman

The quest for the next key art awards begins with tomorrow's hangover — Nick Offerman

How lucky my life is that I have two arms, and two legs, and ten fingers with which to make things out of wood. — Nick Offerman

People keep referring to me as a standup, and that just doesn't sit well with me because a lot of my friends are standups and they're brilliant at writing jokes, and I'm not. — Nick Offerman

No matter how you decide to spend a little more time on your gestures of giving, the point is just quite simply that you do. — Nick Offerman

When I arrive in Los Angeles in the entertainment community, and I use implements like a shovel and a hammer, our society has distanced itself so far from working with its hands that those incredibly pedestrian skills are perceived as somehow being extraordinary. — Nick Offerman

With all of the visual distraction constantly inundating us in the form of our devices and screens, I really derive a great deal of pleasure from watching the sun rise and set, admiring clouds as they change shape across the sky, watching tree leaves and blossoms undulate in the breeze ... these treats foment an ocular-cleansing refreshment to my way of thinking. — Nick Offerman

I've had to learn and discipline myself that I'm much happier and much less depressed if I give myself a project. It's just that simple. — Nick Offerman

For years I drove a big Ford F250 pickup. That was my ride because two-thirds of my work was wood work, and I'm always driving up to Northern California, where I harvest salvaged trees. — Nick Offerman

I think all these great comforts that come from the human condition of trying to make things easier on ourselves also have these pitfalls, where things become so easy that we forget how enjoyable building a fence can be. — Nick Offerman

I'm quite excited to not play a Xena type character - it's probably closer to me than any character I've ever played. — Nick Offerman

Being a man of the theater and a hedonist, I find the idea of building coffins very romantic. — Nick Offerman

Love one another, make something with your hands, and exalt the farmer. — Nick Offerman

I am a saxophone player. — Nick Offerman

I am always so happy to be at 'SNL.' I still feel like a kid when I'm there, like I can't believe I'm watching them make the show. — Nick Offerman

If your shirt isn't tucked into your pants, then your pants are tucked into your shirt. — Nick Offerman

A lot of people find themselves in the entertainment business - or perhaps society steers them toward it - because they're beautiful. — Nick Offerman

I'm very hairy, and men in film and TV are no longer allowed to be hairy. — Nick Offerman

I think the whole thing is kind of sad, honestly, in the same way that our civilization - particularly the consumers of pop culture - has grown so used to an emasculated, bare-chested leading man that something like simply growing a mustache can impress people. — Nick Offerman

My education began in theater school, and it continues to this day. I just continued learning to be a better performer. — Nick Offerman

If you always have something in your life that you're trying to improve upon, then every day you have a reason to get out of bed, and you have a reason to achieve something and feel good. — Nick Offerman

I grew up among farmers in Illinois and so you always have to have the tools you might need in the eventuality of a flat tire or a broken window. — Nick Offerman

I've never seen a theater community to rival that of Chicago. Neither New York nor L.A. has the raw talent or integrity that Chicago theater has, and I think it's because Chicago doesn't have Broadway or the film and TV business to distract it. — Nick Offerman

I have a Kenwood charcoal grill. In our house, if anybody is cooking, it's me. I love making burgers. I love making pork tenderloin. Lamb chops I do on the grill a lot. But you just can't beat brats. — Nick Offerman

Mr. Offerman clasps his hand on top of hers. "It's a good hobby for you, dear. It gets you out of the kitchen."
I straighten my spine. Are we in the fifties here? "Out of the kitchen? — Lauren Blakely

Shut your damn mouth. — Nick Offerman

Find out what makes you kinder, what opens you up and brings out the most loving, generous, and unafraid version of you - and go after those things as if nothing else matters. Because, actually, nothing else does. — Nick Offerman

I eat a bunch of spinach, but only to clean out my pipes to make room for more ribs, fool! I will submit to fruit and zucchini, yes, with gusto, so that my steak-eating machine will continue to masticate delicious charred flesh at an optimal running speed. By consuming kale, I am buying myself bonus years of life, during which I can eat a shit-ton more delicious meat. You don't put oil in your truck because it tastes good. You do it so your truck can continue burning sweet gasoline and hauling a manly payload. — Nick Offerman

The key lies in finding the delicious flavorings in one's life, no matter how fancy your blue jeans may or may not be. — Nick Offerman

Let's just say I can never be cast again after Ron Swanson. Then I have a life of theater and woodworking and my wife to look forward to, and that doesn't make me anything but very happy. — Nick Offerman

Turn off your computer and go out of doors. Dig a large enough hole to transplant a mature apple tree. Nurture the tree, feed it, coddle it so that its fruit will be ample, bright and firm. Practice open-hand strikes against the rough bark of the trunk until it's time to harvest. Choose the champion of your apple crop, pluck it from the tree, and beat yourself about the face and tits with it until your mettle will suffice. — Nick Offerman

Actually, I'm not super-kickass at a lot of things. — Nick Offerman

Of course smartphones are brilliant inventions, but the nefarious thing about Twitter and other social media is that it starts to fill all the gaps in your day. I quickly become an addict. — Nick Offerman

As I have learned again and again from our nation's finest towns, like Madison and Austin and Boone and Bellingham, a college lends a town excellent personality and panache. — Nick Offerman

The technique is: Let the others go first. At the airport, at the grocery store, at the Pleasure Chest (hey-o!). The calmer I become, the more I enjoy my day. The more I enjoy my day, the more people enjoy me and the more they want to see me in my enjoyment. — Nick Offerman

I don't put a great deal of stock in art trophies. — Nick Offerman

If properly dried and trimmed, New York-style pizza could be used to make a box for Chicago-style pizza. — Nick Offerman

My wife, the actress Megan Mullally, was an English major at Northwestern University and loves fiction. Like so many things in my life, she curates things for me. For example, I have the daunting prospect of Donna Tartt's "The Goldfinch" waiting for me when I get through my current reading pile. — Nick Offerman

I'm enjoying the opportunity that 'Parks And Recreation' affords me to exploit my own soapbox agenda, which is to try to encourage people to make things with their hands. — Nick Offerman

Jack London is a very generous description of my small hiking, bicycling, and canoeing habit. I myself feel like a weak urbanite a lot of the time, because lots of my friends are incredible outdoorsmen and women. — Nick Offerman

Whatever the adversity, if a man is on hand to provide ease to a lady's cause, I think he's a shitheel if he stands idly by when she could use an umbrella, a handkerchief, or a steady arm. — Nick Offerman

My life is always more delicious when I have whiskers on my face, but that might just be because those whiskers tend to accumulate bacon crumbs and scotch, rendering them literally delicious all day long. — Nick Offerman

I worked a lot in Chicago's theater scene as a fight choreographer. And so I do have a lot of experience in stage combat and also in Kabuki dance and Kabuki theater. — Nick Offerman

I'm always pleased that I managed to stay out of jail throughout my tenure in Chicago. — Nick Offerman

People are afraid that they're going to upset somebody on top, and so there's a real sense of, I've got to be quiet, I don't want to be fired. — Nick Offerman

When unspeakable violence is enacted upon innocents, say, in a school or movie theatre, and the survivors and the families of the victims, in the throes of pain and anguish, want to ask, "Why did this happen?," "How did this happen?," and "What can we do to prevent this from happening again?," and one of the areas they (still we) focus their scrutiny is that of the highly efficient weapons of warfare that are casually available to us citizens of the United States, then we frightened gun owners have the chance to be human and say, "Okay, this is a horrible tragedy. Let's open up a conversation here." Instead, I'm surmising, out of fear, we throw up our defenses and behave in a very confrontational way toward such a conversation , citing the Second Amendment as the ultimate protection of our rights, no matter how ridiculously murderous the firearm, which, unfortunately, makes us look like dicks. — Nick Offerman

I think that laziness in many ways is the human condition, and that's what has led us to this place where, as we've developed technology. — Nick Offerman

I learned as a young man that I don't write jokes, but that I can deliver more mundane material and get a laugh. I call myself a humorist. — Nick Offerman

I think the Bible is largely an amazing and beautiful book of fictional stories from which we can glean the most wholesome lessons about how to treat one another decently. — Nick Offerman

I've split my life between a few different disciplines. — Nick Offerman

Jobs that require a suit upset me. They displease me much, as our world is rife with such superficial conformity. — Nick Offerman

It's irrelevant to me if other people know who I am. I'm just, I'm really happy. It calms me down, too. If you're on top of an oilrig, fighting with politicians, or whatever - you need a bit of wisdom to realize that you're not always right, or that you're not always being reasonable, or you're not always listening. — Nick Offerman

My wife happens to be probably the greatest working woman in comedy. I can't think of anyone who even approaches her achievements and her abilities. — Nick Offerman

Whatever it is you like to do, that's the sexiest part of you. — Nick Offerman

Choose your favorite spade and dig a small, deep hole, located deep in the forest or a desolate area of the desert or tundra. Bury your cell phone and then find a hobby. — Nick Offerman

When I was in high school, I would perform every year in those plays and there was something I really loved about it. But I was completely unaware that you could sort of get into an acting career. — Nick Offerman

My favorite rule from Sensei was "Always maintain the attitude of a student." When a person thinks they have finished learning, that is when bitterness and disappointment can set in, as that person will wake up every day wondering when someone is going to throw a parade in their honor for being so smart. As human beings, we, by the definition of our very natures, can never be perfect. This means that as long as we are alive and kicking, we can be improving ourselves. — Nick Offerman

Really, all religious teachings can be boiled down to: Just be cool. Don't be an asshole. — Nick Offerman

The world is split into two halves: the bacon, and the bacon eaters. — Nick Offerman

Personal experience is the surest method by which one can determine the truth of a supposition, no matter how reputable the reporter, since so many experiences are subject to individual proclivities. — Nick Offerman

No one will ever ask me to sing because it's beautiful. My secret is hiding my musicianship behind humor. — Nick Offerman

What's amazing is that we have largely contained these urges to the point of successfully checking out of a crowded Whole Foods without decapitating that crunchy, granola-haired hustler dude trying to squeak fourteen items through the express lane WHEN THE SIGN CLEARLY STATES "TWELVE ITEMS OR LESS." YOU THINK WE AREN'T ALL GOING TO BE COUNTING YOUR FUCKING ITEMS, BRO?! — Nick Offerman

I grew up in a small town in Illinois, and my dad was a basketball coach. Thanks to him, I have excellent fundamentals in both basketball and baseball. — Nick Offerman

Don't use barbiturates before going on stage. And be honest. — Nick Offerman

If you're an original thinker, you are going get told 'no' a lot, and you have to be able to hear 'no' many times from the bankers and trust that at some point, someone is going to recognize that you are an artist and not a can of soda. — Nick Offerman

Marijuana is quite possibly the finest of intoxicants. It has been scientifically proven, for decades, to be much less harmful to the body than alcohol when used on a regular basis (Google "Science"). — Nick Offerman

Now, I know what you're thinking: Isn't this the guy who said, "Beer is proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy"? Well, not exactly. This quote has been somewhat paraphrased and hijacked by many of our nation's craft breweries, and rightly so. It may be revisionist writing, but I for one am okay with it. What Franklin did write was, "Behold the rain which descends from heaven upon our vineyards, there it enters the roots of the vines, to be changed into wine, a constant proof that God loves us, and loves to see us happy." Beer, wine . . . come on. Six of one, etcetera. He also coined the euphemism for drunkenness "Halfway to Concord," which tickles me to no end. That, my friends, is fun with words. — Nick Offerman

Auditioning for television shows - to find a guy who has a lot of experience as a laborer is a bit of an anomaly. We do exist.I know several other actors who have made their living, instead of a waitress job, framing houses or blacktopping roads. — Nick Offerman

When I got to Los Angeles, I started building cabins in peoples' yards, building post-and-beam structures and cutting the joinery for those. — Nick Offerman

Always maintain the attitude of a student. When a person thinks they have finished learning, that is when bitterness and disappointment can set in, as that person will wake up everyday wondering when someone is going to throw a parade in their honour for being so smart. — Nick Offerman

Figure out what you love to do, then figure out how to get paid to do it. — Nick Offerman

If I had to pick one form of acting, it would be live theater. That's where I started; that's where I became a man, I think I'm still finishing up that job. — Nick Offerman

Theater, to me, is always a bigger turn on than film. It's alive. — Nick Offerman

We're cognizant, curious beings, capable of philosophical thought, nuclear physics, repeating Nerf weapons, global consciousness, Glade air fresheners, and sentient automobiles. But we're assholes first. — Nick Offerman

Meat is a big deal in my life. I do love breakfast food, but I don't think that's extraordinary. I'm a normal American. We love eggs and meat and potatoes and gravy. — Nick Offerman

I think what makes so many other actors miserable is focusing completely on making other plans. They're obsessed with their haircut and their headshot and their agent, their IMDB profile or whatever. — Nick Offerman

I awaken. I consume oxygen, then bacon, eggs and black coffee, then my wife, then bacon. — Nick Offerman

It was on a van ride home from the movie set that everything came together. I realized I had to get off Twitter. It just struck me that I couldn't stop everyone else from doing it, but I could certainly stop myself. — Nick Offerman

If you want to be happy in life, consider yourself a student. Every day of your life, think: how can I improve? — Nick Offerman

I spent a lot of my youth working outside in the elements, and I kind of revel in defeating tough weather. — Nick Offerman

As The Book of the SubGenius (the main text of a hilarious faux religion based in Dallas - get The Book of the SubGenius) says, "Fuck 'em if they can't take a joke," right? — Nick Offerman

Instead of playing Draw Something, fucking draw something — Nick Offerman

Believe me, I understand how fiendishly the Internet can tempt a body to indulge in diversion from one's responsibilities, more commonly known as iniquity. Idle hands are never the devil's workshop more than when those recumbent mitts are resting upon a computer keyboard. — Nick Offerman

When I first met with agents, they said, "Okay, you're going to play plumbers and mechanics and bus drivers and farmers. Go." — Nick Offerman

You know, even working actors can end up having a lot of spare time. And you can either go sit at the Starbucks and wait for your agent to call you, or you can go learn how to build a Shaker blanket chest with hand-cut dovetails. — Nick Offerman

I keep having these bros come up to me and say, "I used to watch you when I was a fetus," and I just want to kill them. — Nick Offerman

I don't get nominated, and I have to say, I've probably gotten the greatest mass of press in my life through not getting nominated. It's definitely been a winning situation as far as I'm concerned. — Nick Offerman

I've never met anyone nicer than my mom, and I've met Donny and Marie. — Nick Offerman

And one of our vocabulary words was nonconformist. I just dug that word. I heard the explanation, the definition, and I felt like I had just learned about a new hero in a kick-ass Marvel comic book. — Nick Offerman

Branding is quite an important thing. As an artist, you want to be able to explore facets of yourself. — Nick Offerman

Nick Offerman is my hero. He just cracks me up. He's so funny, but he's a true actor, too - he's bringing so much when he's onscreen. — Chris Pratt

Not only do I recommend [Wendell] Berry to anyone who will talk to me for more than seven seconds, but I buy his books in quantity and send them to people. I bought a few dozen of his newest, "Our Only World." — Nick Offerman

And what we've lost sight of is that performing manual labor with your hands is one of the most incredibly satisfying and positive things you can do. — Nick Offerman

Wendell and Tanya and I spoke at length about one of his themes that drives me with constancy, that of "good work." One aspect of this topic that I often regurgitate is his dislike for a society that celebrates the notion of "Thank God it's Friday!" Taking this position, people are necessarily saying that they despise five of every seven days of their lives. He said he first noticed it when he was teaching college, that people would answer the question "How are you doing?" with "Well, pretty good, for a Monday." This exposed a joylessness that filled Mr. Berry with concern. "It's a great harbinger of what's to come. If you don't like the classes about what you're going to do, you're not going to like going to do it." "More — Nick Offerman

I have a ridiculously beautiful wife who's super sexy, and as long as she's happy with me, I don't need to look in the mirror and think, "How do I stack up next to Bradley Cooper? Would Cooper rock this shirt?" Doesn't matter. He does not have your wife. You do. — Nick Offerman

Before people figured out I was funny, I got cast quite a bit as either a rapist or serial killer or the guy who catches those people. — Nick Offerman

I'm opposed to a lot of the time that we as a civilization have come to spend looking at screens. For my money, life is much delicious damn near everyplace but inside that screen. — Nick Offerman

Consider Herbert A. Simon, a right sharp scientific thinker, who did his thinking most frequently at Carnegie Mellon, by which I mean this chap was smart as shit. Check out some of his smart-thinks: "In an information-rich world, the wealth of information means a dearth of something else: a scarcity of whatever it is that information consumes. What information consumes is rather obvious: it consumes the attention of its recipients. Hence a wealth of information creates a poverty of attention and a need to allocate that attention efficiently among the overabundance of information sources that might consume it." A wealth of information creates a poverty of attention. Slogan-worthy. — Nick Offerman

When I use weed creatively, I'm much better at drawing or making something or playing music. But what I do for a living is mostly performing as an actor or writing, and for those things I need to have my faculties sharp. — Nick Offerman

Once you have a PhD, every meeting you go to becomes a doctor's appointment. — Nick Offerman