New Funny Joke Quotes & Sayings

The only time I've ever been mistaken for someone else is - and this arguable still - when a person came up to me on the boardwalk of Ocean City, New Jersey and said, "You look a lot like that guy from computer ads" and I said, "There is a reason because I am that guy," and the guy looked at me for a minute, laughed and said, "That's a funny joke, but you really do look like him." He thought I was not me. — John Hodgman

I have been scientifically studying the traits and dispositions of the "lower animals" (so-called,) and contrasting them with the traits and dispositions of man. I find the result profoundly humiliating to me. For it obliges me to renounce my allegiance to the Darwinian theory of the Ascent of Man from the Lower Animals; since it now seems plain to me that that theory ought to be vacated in favor of a new and truer one, this new and truer one to be named the Descent of Man from the Higher Animals. — Mark Twain

Any man who thinks he can be happy and prosperous by letting the government
take care of him better take a closer look at the American Indian. — Henry Ford

A theory that you can't explain to a bartender is probably no damn good. — Ernest Rutherford

There is only one quality that makes humans truly human and that is their will. — Kohta Hirano

As far as my own life goes, I don't buy into the Hollywood scene. — Steve Schirripa

Jermaine Jenas is a fit lad. He gets from box to box in all of 90
minutes — Bobby Robson

Have you no respect for the past? For what was thought and believed by your foremothers?"
"Why, no," she said. "Why should we? They are all gone. They knew less than we do. If we are not beyond them, we are unworthy of them - and unworthy of the children who must go beyond us. — Charlotte Perkins Gilman

No mainstream philosopher has developed the kind of systematic, comprehensive, original, and influential exposition of atheism that is to be found in Antony Flew's fifty years of antitheological writings. — Antony Flew

That had been an all-consuming love that had swept me up in a torrent of emotion that had been unimaginable until I'd experienced it. — Monica Alexander

I could never even entertain the notion that it's an option, to not be an artist. — Dustin Yellin

The only time I get sick of making people laugh is when I'm in a non-writing-joke mode, and I just can't seem to come up with anything new that's funny. That's a tough place to be as a comedian. — Bill Burr

Every idiot who goes about with a 'Merry Christmas' on his lips should be boiled with his own pudding, and buried with a stake of holly through his heart. — Charles Dickens

I've realized I have to be very careful in what I say. I speak my heart out. Such honesty is not appreciated in the film industry. Instead, it is twisted and distorted. A lot of what I say is lost in translation. — Sonam Kapoor

Richard Feynman was fond of giving the following advice on how to be a genius. You have to keep a dozen of your favorite problems constantly present in your mind, although by and large they will lay in a dormant state. Every time you hear or read a new trick or a new result, test it against each of your twelve problems to see whether it helps. Every once in a while there will be a hit, and people will say, 'How did he do it? He must be a genius! — Gian-Carlo Rota

We serve the world by finding out what feeds us, and, having been fed, then share our gifts with others. — James Hollis

Stupid. He was stupid. He was tired of being stupid. — Cinda Williams Chima

Now Lewis joined in. 'A sicko walks into a bar,' he said. 'WHAM! And then i hit him with the bar again, an iron bar, and knock him flat, then i hit him again, and again and again until his brains are, like, smashed all over the pavement. And then i slice him up with my new katana!'
'Yeah, Lewis,' said Brooke. 'Funny joke. Way to lighten the mood, bruv. — Charlie Higson

The most important thing when ill is to never lose heart. — Vladimir Lenin