Naughty Humor Quotes & Sayings

Chase punched a code into the keypad above the elevator call button, and the doors to the service elevator slid open. "The code is 6969."
"How will I ever remember that?" I teased. — Vi Keeland

Love is a banana. First you peel it, and then you roll on the condom. — Dark Jar Tin Zoo

Good girls go to heaven and bad girls go everywhere — Helen Gurley Brown

The opportunity was too perfect to miss. Harry crept silently around behind Malfoy, Crabbe, and Goyle, bent down, and scooped a large handful of mud out of the path.
'We were just talking about your friend Hagrid,'
Malfoy said to Ron. 'Just trying to imagine what he's saying to the Committee for the Disposal of Dangerous Creatures. D'you think he'll cry when they cut off his hippogriff's - '
SPLAT.
Malfoy's head jerked back as the mud hit him; his silverblond hair was suddenly dripping in muck. — J.K. Rowling

I have no happy fairyland vision that she can win. — Woodrow Wilson

I'm still a Welsh girl at heart so I'm staying in the U.K. for the Olympics, it's such an exciting time for Britain so it's amazing to be a part of it. — Katherine Jenkins

When you're a teenager, being different- if it's not by choice - seems like the worst thing imaginable. But is it really? — Sara Raasch

Would you like to sit?" Kellen asked her.
"You'd better do it soon," Owen whispered close to her ear, "or I'm going to bend you over that table and break the club's no-penetration-in-the-lounge rule. — Olivia Cunning

Typical artist,' said Granny. 'He just painted the showy stuff in the front ... And what about these cherubs? We're not going to get them too, are we? I don't like to see little babies flying through the air.'
'They turn up in a lot of old paintings,' said Nanny Ogg. 'They put them in to show it's Art and not just naughty pictures of ladies with not many clothes on.'
'Well, they're not fooling ME,' said Granny Weatherwax. — Terry Pratchett

For you, Esperetta, anything." Velkan
"Anything?" Esperetta
"Yes." Velkan
"Then come and get naked with me. Right now." Esperetta
"As you wish, Princess." Velkan — Sherrilyn Kenyon

Beatrix, do you know what happens to girls who ask such naughty questions?"
"They're ravished in haylofts?" she inquired hopefully. — Lisa Kleypas

No sight so sad as that of a naughty child," he began, "especially a naughty little girl. Do you know where the wicked go after death?"
"They go to hell," was my ready and orthodox answer.
"And what is hell? Can you tell me that?"
"A pit full of fire."
"And should you like to fall into that pit, and to be burning there for ever?"
"No, sir."
"What must you do to avoid it?"
I deliberated a moment: my answer, when it did come was objectionable: "I must keep in good health and not die. — Charlotte Bronte

His icy lovecicle pressed against her dewy portal, demanding admittance to her passion chamber. How did a guy with no heartbeat, no pulse, get an erection? Who cares? — Nine Naughty Novelists

Hello, sexy. I knew that you couldn't get through the night without me," Finn's smug, slightly sleepy voice filled my ear. "So why don't you tell me what you're wearing?"
I rolled my eyes. Apparently, my foster brother hadn't bothered to check his caller ID before he picked up the phone. I wondered if this was how he answered all his late night calls, or if he was actually expecting to hear from Bria. I really hoped it was the second one.
"What am I wearing? Well, right now it would be the blood of two giants, among other naughty unmentionables," I purred. "What does that do for you, sexy?"
Silence.
Then Finn cleared his throat. "Uh Gin? Did you dial my number by mistake? Shouldn't you be cooing these sweet, sweet nothings into Owen's ear instead of mine? — Jennifer Estep

If all the girls attending [the Yale prom] were laid end to end, I wouldn't be at all surprised. — Dorothy Parker

Just give me a comfortable couch, a dog, a good book, and a woman. Then if you can get the dog to go somewhere and read the book, I might have a little fun. — Groucho Marx

Destiny, you need to learn something. Rules are made to be broken."
My mouth almost unhinged itself from sheer disbelief. "Hannah, we could get in big trouble."
"Not if we don't get caught," she said with a naughty grin.
With that kind of attitude, I didn't see how Hannah was going to last three months at Bethel. These people were all about rules, and strict ones at that. — Cindy Ray Hale

Life may not be exactly pleasant, but it is at least not dull. Heave yourself into Hell today, and you may miss, tomorrow or next day, another Scopes trial, or another War to End War, or perchance a rich and buxom widow with all her first husband's clothes. There are always more Hardings hatching. I advocate hanging on as long as possible. — H.L. Mencken

No one had ever accused Koko of being naughty. Perverse, perhaps, or arrogant, or despotic. But naughtiness was beneath his dignity. — Lilian Jackson Braun

Their ascent was accomplished via a wide spiral staircase that sat within the reflective tube. Each of the metal steps were welded to its core. But even here in this elegant construct, the infernal touch hadn't been neglected. Each of the steps was set not at ninety degrees to the core, but at ninety-seven, or a hundred, or a hundred and five, each one different from the one before but all sending out the same message: nothing was certain here; nothing was safe. There was no railing to break the slide should someone lose their footing, only step after disquieting step designed to make the ascent as vertiginous as possible. — Clive Barker

I really wish I could confirm to him
that you do in fact have a penis. A very
big and pretty penis," Blaire whispered.
I winced.
"Please, just call it big.
Don't call it pretty. That hurts its
feelings. — Abbi Glines

I don't think that I could have survived in my family without a naughty sense of humor; yeah, absolutely. I think my brother and I both get our senses of humor from our parents. I mean, my mother was absolutely hilarious and foul. She had the most ridiculously off color sense of humor, so that was sort of what we grew up with. — Rachael MacFarlane

I've written a lot of prose. I just haven't published it. — Patti Smith

The child probably overheard their voices; for, looking up to the window, with a bright, but naughty smile of mirth and intelligence, she threw one of the prickly burrs at the Reverend Mr. Dimmesdale. The sensitive clergyman shrunk, with nervous dread, from the light missile. — Nathaniel Hawthorne

How could you think of such awful things? liberal critics always ask. How else could I possibly amuse myself? I always wonder. — John Waters

He was a moth to her flame, a marshmallow to her campfire, a redneck to her bottle rocket ... — Nine Naughty Novelists

For the record," I do not desire your body. Not that you're hideous or anything, far from it. Even with those scars, your chest is really nice, and I like your legs because they aren't scrawny, and you have nice shoulders and naughty bits, but I've never been one to put physical attributes ahead of more important things."
"Such as?" He had his hands on his hips when he asked the question, which just made me want to giggle again.
"Intelligence, a sense of humor, and oh yes, not being a mythical creature." I swallowed another giggle. "Not that it wasn't a cool form, but still. I like my men without the sort of baggage that must go with being a shape-shifter."
"Is that so?" One eyebrow lifted.
"Yes."
"Then you will not like this." He pulled me against him, his mouth moving into place on mine, his breath hotter than I could have imagined. And then he kissed the very wits right out of my brain. — Katie MacAlister

He knew how hot those rumbly-grumbly, gravel-voiced noises made her: hotter than two rats wrestling in a wool sock ... only not as scratchy. Or as smelly. Probably less squeaky, too. But she had to be strong. For the sake of her children. For the sake of her winery. For the sake of her poor, battered heart. For the sake of this story, which would be over far too quickly if she gave in to him now. — Nine Naughty Novelists

She would show HIM naughty... — Anne Taintor

Sex on a rainy afternoon is like getting all the gloom and wetness to go away for a while. And afterwards you don't even notice if the rain's still falling. — Elizabeth Jane Howard

Elsewhere called the Strom Thurmond Maneuver.) Pujols of course blamed Beli for everything. Sat in the office of the rector and — Junot Diaz

Magic is a naughty beast. — Rob E. Boley

I tried to blow a yellow jacket out and now it's wearing a bow tie in its mouth. — Ana Claudia Antunes

Sergeant Axel Dane ordinarily opened the San Jose recruiting office at eight o'clock, but if he was a little late Corporal Kemp opened it, and Kemp was not likely to complain. Axel was not an unusual case. A hitch in the U.S. Army in the time of peace between the Spanish war and the German war had unfitted him for the cold, unordered life of a civilian. One month between hitches convinced him of that. Two hitches in the peacetime army completely unfitted him for war, and he had learned enough method to get out of it. The San Jose recruiting station proved he knew his way about. He was dallying with the youngest Ricci girl and she lived in San Jose. Kemp hadn't the time in, but he was learning the basic rule. Get along with the topkick and avoid all officers when possible. — John Steinbeck

Pennsylvania. The boys nodded appreciatively, as if Abby had said Emily was from Naughty Dirty Sex Land — Sara Shepard

A good day's writing, when I turn off my computer after I know that I've written okay, or as well as I can write, that's a day well spent. — James Lipton

There are other ways to get back at your phone you know, if it's being naughty, you could simply make it communicate in Japanese,put it on silent, or even take away its battery privileges. — Holly Denham

Blood rushed to the regions of my body that I associated with naughtiness, and I was powerless to stop it. — Kat Lowe

He's an even-tempered stallion. What he lacks in stamina he makes up for in speed, kind of like most of the men I've slept with. — Lila Shaw