Most Well Known Funny Quotes & Sayings

This congestion in the post offices is due to what are technically known as "regulations" but what are really a series of acrostics and anagrams devised by some officials who got around a table one night and tried to be funny. — Robert Benchley

More and more, I play myself, as I get older. Even as a writer, I never got typecast. I've always bounced from project to project, or initiated my own things. I was never known as the guy who wrote romantic comedies or sci-fi, or whatever, but that's fun to me. The first two films I ever had made, as a writer, were both thrillers, which was great. There was nothing funny about either of them, or not intentionally. I actually love that. — Jim Piddock

I want to be known for my performances and doing my craft well, not for funny stuff I post on Twitter or whatever. — Billy Magnussen

Eventually, Krysomallos would be skinned for his fleece, which became known as the Golden Fleece, which means I am related to a sheepskin rug.
This is why you don't want to think too hard about who you're related to in the Greek myths. It'll drive you crazy. — Rick Riordan

Well," Ben went on,"someone should just tell her to come on home, because she can find the world's largest balls right here in Orlando, Florida. They're located in a special display case known as 'my scrotum.'" Radar laughed, and Ben continued. "I mean seriously. My balls are so big that when you order french fries from McDonald's, you can choose one of four sizes: small, medium,large, and my balls. — John Green

Especially well known around the office is my weakness for dyspareunist women. Most people would find such disparity in unity repelling, but it harmonizes perfectly with my personal tastes. — Benson Bruno

Bob Saget was known, in the comedy clubs in those days, as extremely funny but with dark humor. It was always an inside joke among comics, when he got Full House, it was, like, wow, hes playing this all-American dad kind of thing. That was not Bob Saget. His comedic style is definitely more twisted, and he has an edgier side than he showed in Full House. — Bob Saget

I want to be known as a funny comic not just a funny Latino comic. I want to be able to go everywhere and anywhere. — Gabriel Iglesias

We had always known that ours is a small country and that America is very big. But even as a seven-year-old, I was surprised that so many Americans has never noticed us on the map. Perhaps it's like driving a Yugo and realizing that the eighteen-wheeler can's see you. — Firoozeh Dumas

Labor Day is a holiday honoring those who work for a living. Laborious Day is a lesser known holiday honoring those who cannot stop talking about their work. — Daniel Handler

More people were in love with her than with any one I've ever known. She had that power - she enjoyed things. She wasn't beautiful, but - I don't know how she did it. She often spoke in broken sentences and seemed very sad. Yet she got on with every kind of person, and then she made it all so amazingly - funny — Virginia Woolf

Cricket tells a joke and turns to see if I'm laughing, if I think he's funny, and I want him to know that I do think he's funny, and I want him to know that I'm glad he's my friend, and I want him to know that he has the biggest heart of anyone I've ever known. And I want to press my palm against his chest to feel it beat, to prove he's really here. — Stephanie Perkins

Supposedly, I was trying to re-create the one time in my fucked-up life when I had felt truly happy - before it all went to shit.

Funny because, even though my life had sucked before Evie, ultimately, she was the sole reason it went down the path straight to hell.

I should've known from the moment I met her that, eventually, she'd be my downfall. I mean, I am Adam, and she's my fucking Eve. It had been written in the cards. — Samantha Towle

Hank wants to have a conversation tonight. We had a conversation last night! I can't have another conversation! He'l say shit that freaks me out because he's, like, in my brain. We haven't even known each other for two weeks! How can he be in my brain? It's unreal .. — Kristen Ashley

I picked up the umeboshi from my tray and popped it into my mouth. I made a show of savoring the flavor. Truth be known, it was sour enough to twist my mouth as tight as a crab's ass at low tide, but I wasn't about to give her the satisfaction of seeing that. — Hiroshi Sakurazaka

The funny thing was that he wasn't altogether a fool in other ways. Deep down in him there was a kind of stratum of sense. I had known him, once or twice, show an almost human intelligence. But to reach that stratum, mind you, you needed dynamite. — P.G. Wodehouse

Now that's worth the trip right there." He chuckled, pink starting to sparkle in his eyes. "How goes it, Gregor? Forgot your manners, did you? If I'd known you were balanced in such a precarious state, I might have taken even ... longer."
I'd yanked a sheet between us and made Gregor pick up his hips, but the rest of him stayed where it was so I could keept that knife close to his heart. It left Gregor with his ass sticking up in the air while his face stayed level with mine. I wasn't trying to be funny. Only practical. — Jeaniene Frost

I don't go after him. He's a funny sort of boy. I've known that from the start. Not just because he seems angry and contemptuous or the way he walks like a tough guy. Because of his smile - it's a child's smile. — Delphine De Vigan

The mind likes a strange idea as little as the body likes a strange protein and resists it with similar energy. It would not perhaps be too fanciful to say that a new idea is the most quickly acting antigen known to science. If we watch ourselves honestly we shall often find that we have begun to argue against a new idea even before it has been completely stated. — Wilfred Trotter

It's funny how this total stranger could relate to me better than anyone else I'd ever met. It was as if I'd known her my entire life. — Fisher Amelie

Half an hour into the movie, Margot started giggling, but it wasn't a funny part or anything. When Quinn looked over at her, she was covering her mouth and nose with one hand while waving the other in front of her. He couldn't hide his shock. No fucking way!
"Margot! You did not just fart!" Quinn exclaimed. He was absolutely dumbfounded. No woman has ever farted in front of him, not even his mom.
"I am sorry!" She laughed. "You would have never known if it did not smell!"
Quinn burst out laughing. He caught a whiff and laughed harder as he clapped a hand over his nose. It wasn't that bad, but he decided to play along. He was laughing so hard that he had tears running down his face. He couldn't remember the last time he laughed until he cried. Margot too was laughing so hard that she had tears running down her face. She gave him a playful shove, which only made it harder for him to breathe. — Andria Large

He can blow the flute very well-that 'a can,' said a young married man, who having no individuality worth mentioning was known as 'Susan Tall's husband. — Thomas Hardy

Arleigh said Rez was back at his own hotel now, but that he'd come later to spend some time with her and thank her for all she'd done. That made Chia feel strange. Now she'd seen him in real life, somehow that had taken over from all the other ways she'd known him before, and she felt kind of funny about him. Confused. Like all of this had pegged him in realtime for her, and she kept thinking of her mother complaining that Lo and Rez were nearly as old as she was. And — William Gibson

His green eyes blazed with desire; such a different look than I'd known before. Chase had studied me, reading my feelings. Tucker was only trying to see his own reflection. Disturbing on several levels. — Kristen Simmons

Fear of new ideas breeds angry head spiders that have been known to attack. — Leah Broadby

I couldn't have invented crisps ... I don't really want to be known as the man who invented crisps ... I invented apples ... I invented pandas, and caps. I invented soil. — Noel Fielding

Know what?" he said. "The one I'm really mad at is God. I try not to, but the truth is, when you boil it down, he let me get cancer." "Humph," I said. "I always thought that God must trust you a lot to let you go through this." Jeff flinched. "What do you mean?" "Well, he knew you believed in him. He must have known how you would react. He trusted you to go through it." Jeff frowned. "That's a thought. He's the one giving me the strength. That's funny. I'm mad at the one giving me strength." I hadn't meant to be profound. It just slipped out. — Jerry B. Jenkins

Once more Mary Jo, Bobby, Kevin, Dennis, Raymond, Lucille, Frankie, Coddles, Lyle, John, Andy, Miss Ursula, Jim, Lonnie, Postmaster Jones, William, Travis, Todd, Tony, Dennis M. . . . On the ride home from Sheriff's office, everyone was again on porches or at windows. Daron didn't call out their names this time, and this time no one waved. Where do the black people live? In the front yards! It was funny. (I guess that's better than the back of the bus, Louis had later added. Daron had thought that funny, too.) Louis's absence was always noticeable. Though skinny, he'd filled space like a fat man on a crowded elevator, except a welcome addition, not someone who provoked strangers to regard each other with situational solidarity. He had, in fact, induced people to regard each other with suspicion, to question the known. — T. Geronimo Johnson

I had to act in a school play when I was about ten years old. I really didn't want to do it. But everyone had to do it so I didn't have a choice. A talent agent came and watched it and later gave me some work. It's funny because I'd always known that I wanted a movie career. I just didn't think that I would be in the movies. — Kristen Stewart

I love comedy. I'm not known for comedy, but I love it. I've done a lot of it, in my lifetime. But most people are surprised to hear that I made a funny movie. — Leonard Nimoy

Mariah is a beautiful and talented person, and I've had a crush on her for as long as I can remember. Every day, my respect for Mariah continues to grow higher. She's a caring, warm and funny person. People have no idea how funny she is! I feel like I've always known she was my forever love. — Nick Cannon

It's funny in the U.K., where I'm not really known because I never did a soap. My English cousins in the Lake District think I'm not a real actor because they've never seen me in 'Home and Away' or 'Neighbours.' — Jacki Weaver