Mort Quotes & Sayings

I don't think crucifixion is the answer. I believe in the resurrection. I like that part of the story. — Mort Sahl

Those who the gods would make rich and famous on TV, they first drive mad. — Mort Sahl

So . . . what's the plan, then?" Driggs asked, the opaqueness of his body coming and going in waves now, possibly in time with his heartbeat.
"Um - " Uncle Mort winced. "Hide."
Lex's jaw dropped as Uncle Mort ducked behind a tree. "Hide?" she sputtered in disbelief, falling over her own feet as she tried to conceal herself. "That's the best you can come up with?"
He gave her a look. "You got a rocket launcher in that bag of yours? No? Then hide it is. Grotton, get down!" he shouted at the ghost, who was now floating higher and seemed to be glowing more brightly.
Grotton lowered himself to the ground. "I was merely trying to provide a bit of light for your attempts at" - he let out a quiet snicker - "concealment."
Uncle Mort, suppressing the urge to reach up and smack the everdeathing snot out of their new companion, gritted his teeth. "Next time set off some fireworks, it'll be more subtle. — Gina Damico

We know there are colours in the spectrum untranslatable to our eyes; sounds beyond the range of our hearing; sensations beyond the tolerance of taste or touch. What else is there that we might be missing? Could it be that we, ourselves, only ever really experience the mere gist of our own lives?
(attrib: F.L. Vanderson) — Mort W. Lumsden

I've arranged with my executor to be buried in Chicago. Because when I die, I want to still remain active politically. — Mort Sahl

To make a poem, take one newspaper, one pair of scissors, snip the words one by one and put them in a bag. Shake gently, draw them out at random, and copy them conscientiously ... DADA est mort. DADA est idiot. Vive DADA! — Tristan Tzara

We all know that America is the worst country in the world, except for all the others. — Mort Sahl

It's beautiful," said Mort softly. "What is it?"
THE SUN IS UNDER THE DISC, said Death.
"Is it like this every night?"
EVERY NIGHT, said Death. NATURE'S LIKE THAT.
"Doesn't anyone know?"
ME. YOU. THE GODS. GOOD, ISN'T IT?
"Gosh!"
Death leaned over the saddle and looked down at the kingdoms of the world.
I DON'T KNOW ABOUT YOU, he said, BUT I COULD MURDER A CURRY. — Terry Pratchett

I found people looked better when they laughed — Mort Sahl

There's so much Botox around now that you can't tell when a Jewish girl is angry! — Mort Sahl

My life needs editing. — Mort Sahl

Research is what it's going to take to cure all these diseases. — Mort Kondracke

The shock of orgasm pulls you under the wave you never saw coming. It wrestles you to the point of exhaustion and allows you to breathe only when you've died la petite mort. When you've given all and received everything in return. — Megan Mitcham

Let's walk down the road that has no end
Steal away where only angels tread
Heaven or hell or somewhere in between
Cross your heart to take me when you leave
Don't go
Please don't go
Don't go without me — The Civil Wars

How much blood makes a 'bloodbath'? — Mort Kondracke

And speaking of Terms, we need to set a few ground rules here with ... this," he said, clearing his throat and gesturing at the two of them.
"With what?" Lex said.
"That," Uncle Mort replied, pointing to a suspicious-looking mark on her neck.
Lex's hand flew to her throat while Driggs shifted, uneasy.
"Why?" he asked.
"Don't 'why?' me, Romeo. You know I trust you, but Lex is still my niece. In the absence of her father, it's up to me to do everything in my power to complicate and interfere with her budding love life."
Lex frowned. "Hey- — Gina Damico

It was nice to kill time. But the time buries us before... (On a beau tuer le temps, - Il nous enterre avant) — Charles De Leusse

La petite mort - that's what the French called orgasm. They believed that semen is sort of concentrated blood so that each time a man came he shortened his life a little by spilling blood that couldn't be replenished."
"And women?"
"Then, as now, men didn't much concern themselves with how women felt. — Michael Nava

I'll have you know there is adventure and then there is crime. And crime, such as you are suggesting, my pretty little filching mort, will see you standing in the Old Bailey being consigned to a hanging." "Then I daresay it would be best if we weren't caught." "Not caught!" He shook his head. "At least now I know where you live." "However do you know that?" "Because I'm quite certain the place you escaped from earlier was Bedlam." "Bedlam, indeed," she sniffed. "Whyever would you want to break into someone's house?" She shrugged. "I just merely want to try. It can't be that difficult. Thieves do it all the time." "And are hung all the time. — Elizabeth Boyle

When the war was over and the guys were back to shaving every day, the editor thought the Beetle Bailey strips were hurting their disciplinary efforts to get the guys back to routine. — Mort Walker

Mort was already aware that love made you feel hot and cold and cruel and weak, but he hadn't realized that it could make you stupid. — Terry Pratchett

Now, what tends to happen is that the stories get hyped. And the medicines are not quite as revolutionary and as dramatic as they seem to be. But, certainly, various phases of this problem are being attacked by the pharmaceutical companies. — Mort Kondracke

i'm
as thin
as your
eyelashes — Valzhyna Mort

I didn't know growing up what I wanted to do. I finally settled on broadcast journalism as a way to satisfy the urge to perform and also do something important, which is to give people in a democracy information to make good decisions. — Mort Crim

I was a teenage boy once too, you know," Uncle Mort said, popping back up. "I know what your brain looks like. It's a three-ring circus in there. — Gina Damico

Who's that man you were talking to?"

"Oh, that's Norwood. He was checking you in for your first shift. I'll introduce you tomorrow."

She made a face. "No rush."

"I mean, you were scheduled to have a brief orientation with him today, but you know, you needed your beauty sleep, so we don't have time. Are you aware, Lex, that sloth is a deadly sin?"

She made a face at him, then glanced back at the hallway. She thought she could make out a bustle of activity behind the array of frosted glass tiles that lined its right-hand wall, but Uncle Mort ushered her out the front door too quickly for her to get a closer look.

"Wait, we're done here?"

"Well, I was going to show you around upstairs as well, but - "

"No time. Sloth. I get it."

"Deadly sin. — Gina Damico

Ferbus assumed a hyperventilating position, his hands on his knees. 'Oh no,' Skyla said, concern splashing across her face. 'Is he anemic? Clinically asthmatic?'
'No,' Uncle Mort said, thwacking Ferbus on the head as he started climbing the stairs. 'Just lazy.'
'Clinically lazy!' Ferbus wheezed. — Gina Damico

The New York Times is the official leak of the State Department. — Mort Sahl

You know what? I'm not going to bother with excuses," she said to Uncle Mort. "I don't know what I just did, but I'm a hundred percent sure I wasn't supposed to do it, so let's just skip over the scolding for now, and you tell me what's going on and we'll all go from there." His stern face didn't go away. "Sound coolsies? — Gina Damico

You're just going to stand there?" I asked.
Uriel folded his arms and tapped his chin with one fingertip. "Mmmm. It does seem that perhaps she deserves some form of aid. Perhaps if I'd had the presence of mind to see to it that some sort of agent had been sent to balance the scales, to giver her that one tiny bit of encouragement, that one flicker of inspiration that turned the tide ... " He shook his head sadly. "Things might be different now."
And, as if on cue, Mortimer Lindquist, ectomancer, limped out of the lower hallway and into the electrical-junction room, with Sir Stuart's shade at his right hand.
Mort took a look around, his dark eyes intent, and then his gaze locked onto Molly.
"Hey," he croaked. "You. Arrogant bitch ghost. — Jim Butcher

How do you get all those coins? asked Mort.
IN PAIRS. — Terry Pratchett

And what in the name of all this is disturbing did you mean when you said you're going to teach me how to Kill people?"
He snickered. "You didn't really think you were going to spend the whole summer milking cows, did you? — Gina Damico

Everything I tell you is true, but this is factual. — Mort Sahl

The beat generation is a coffeehouse full of people expectantly looking at their watches waiting for the beat generation to come on. *1958 — Mort Sahl

Swan dive down eleven stories high
Hold your breath until you see the light
You can sink to the bottom of the sea
Just don't go without me — The Civil Wars

But Mort caught me before I even left the house and insisted on taking me himself, figuring that I would probably go and investigate on my own no matter how many times he stopped me."
"Little Driggs sounds a lot like me," Said Lex.
"Please don't besmirch his memory. — Gina Damico

There's a danger our fiscal bankruptcy might overtake our moral bankruptcy. — Mort Sahl

They're always telling folk how much better it's going to be when they're dead. We tell them it could be pretty good right here if only they'd put their minds to it.' Mort — Terry Pratchett

Ward Churchill might be more valuable to the opponents of the academic left employed than unemployed. Above all, he can serve as a living window into the intellectual, moral, and political bankruptcy of the left. — Mort Kondracke

SEE THE MAN NEXT TO HIM? WITH THE LITTLE MOUSTACHE AND THE GRIN LIKE A LIZARD? Death pointed with his scythe.
'Yes?'
HIS COUSIN, THE DUKE OF STO HELIT. NOT THE NICEST OF PEOPLE, said Death. A HANDY MAN WITH A BOTTLE OF POISON. FIFTH IN LINE TO THE THRONE LAST YEAR, NOW SECOND IN LINE. BIT OF A SOCIAL CLIMBER, YOU MIGHT SAY. — Terry Pratchett

I was kicked out of The Stars And Stripes twice, and finally got back in. — Mort Walker

Mort(e) is wonderful and weird, never saccharine and always startling. — Cat Rambo

The people who were against the Vietnam War thought I was attacking the Army. The guys in the Army thought I was representing their experiences. I was on both sides, and I survived. — Mort Walker

Vampires were fairy tales and magic. They were the wolf in the forest that ran ahead to grandmother's house, the video game big boss who could be hunted without guilt, the monster that tempted you into its bed, the powerful eternal beast one might become. The beautiful dead, la belle mort. — Holly Black

Mort Sahl, while attending a preview of Otto Preminger's film Exodus, stood up and called out, Otto, let my people go! — Mort Sahl

I used to go to two movies every week for the Saturday matinee when I was a kid. — Mort Sahl

There are Russian spies here now. And if we're lucky, they'll steal some of our secrets and they'll be two years behind. — Mort Sahl

It is not true that nice guys finish last. Nice guys are winners before the game even starts. — Mort Walker

NO ONE GETS PARDONED FOR LIVING. — Terry Pratchett

President Bush bet his presidency-and America's world leadership-on the war in Iraq. Tragically, it looks as though he bit off more than the American people were willing to chew. — Mort Kondracke

I went to computer class with my Dell and I was bullied by a guy with a Mac. — Mort Sahl

We claim we believe in compassion, which is an abstract, and when it's personified we discredit the man — Mort Sahl

Mort: How do you get all these coins?
Death: IN PAIRS — Terry Pratchett

Every time the Russians throw an American in jail, the Committee throws an American in jail to get even. — Mort Sahl

When I introduced a black soldier, Lt. Flap, in 1971, the Stars and Stripes banned the strip. They were having racial problems and thought it would increase the tensions. — Mort Walker

The memory of the dead is indeed a good remorse. (Le souvenir des morts - Est bien un bon remords) — Charles De Leusse

I didn't think that anything is beyond humor - not profane humor, but a good, honest approach to humor. — Mort Sahl

Who sees the death blinds the death. (Qui voit la mort - Aveugle la mort) — Charles De Leusse

Who underestimates is buried in the optimism of the deads. (Qui sous-estime s'enterre - Dans l'optimisme des morts.) — Charles De Leusse

You know me, I love lost causes. — Mort Sahl

In the forties, to get a girl you had to be a GI or a jock. In the fifties, to get a girl you had to be Jewish. In the sixties, to get a girl you had to be black. In the seventies, to get a girl you've got to be a girl. — Mort Sahl

Well, remember, active Grims can't have children. Fertility is adversley affected by the proximity to the ether, to Elixir, and all sorts of other components
plus, the Grimsphere is no place to raise a family, even if woman conceive here."
Lex snuck a glance at Driggs, but Uncle Mort caught her.
"That doesn't mean you get a free pass to ride the baloney pony when ever you want to. Got it? — Gina Damico

Uncle Mort glanced at Pandora, then back at the Juniors. "Okay, kids. Brace yourselves. And try not to yell too much."
Elysia's hand tensed on Lex's arm. "I hate it when he says that," she whispered.
Uncle Mort gave them a sympathetic smile. "Remember that old chestnut about the wickedest Grim of all time?"
He pounded on the roof. Grotton's head popped down through the ceiling, a snaky grin stretching from ear to ear.
The screams were so loud, Dora nearly drove into a tree — Gina Damico

Good Lord, I'm regretting this now," I muttered. "I have never - ever - smelled BO this bad in my life. And I once had s'mores wit a Sasquatch."
"Hang out with him for awhile," Mort gasped. "Eventually it's not so bad."
"Wow. Really?"
"No. Not really. — Jim Butcher

The bravest thing that men do is love women. — Mort Sahl

The right-to-life movement and the Roman Catholic Church are saying that it is better to destroy these embryos, or preferably have them adopted - which is not going to happen - than to use them for research. — Mort Kondracke

It struck Mort with sudden, terrible poignancy that Death must be the loneliest creature in the universe. In the great party of Creation, he was always in the kitchen. — Terry Pratchett

Then his lids closed slowly over his slightly bloodshot eyes, and Mort Rainey, who had yet to discover what true horror was all about, fell asleep. — Stephen King

L'ide e qu'on mourra est plus cruelle que mourir, mais moins que l'ide e qu'un autre est mort. The idea of dying is worse than dying itself, but less cruel than the idea that another has died. — Marcel Proust

Most people past college age are not atheists. It's too hard to be in society, for one thing. Because you don't get any days off. And if you're an agnostic you don't know whether you get them off or not. — Mort Sahl

So what did you bring? Lip gloss and a hairbrush?"
Smirking, she unpacked the sandwiches Mort's cook had made for her, along with an ample slice of chocolate cake. "You owe me an apology."
"Omigod, it's a feast! Okay, you're forgiven. — Jana Oliver

Everything I know, I write about. My only research is what I did. — Mort Walker

Today we may face some boring task or idle conversation that feels like a complete waste of time. Perhaps next week or next year we'll understand that nothing is wasted, that in the economy of our universe even a weed is simply a flower whose use has yet to be discovered. — Mort Crim

Someone's going to recognize us," Lex said to Uncle Mort without looking at him or moving her lips.
"No, they're not," he said, staring forward, keeping the same straight face. "The guards aren't even watching."
He was right. What few guards were left in the lobby were scattered, disorganized. They shouted for the citizens to remain calm, all the while sounding fairly panicked themselves. No one knew what had happened, as the only witnesses were now casually strolling toward the front door without a single eye looking their way.
Until the receptionist let out a shriek. "There they are!"
Uncle Mort let out a huff of defeat. "Mar-lene," he whined. "I thought we were cool."
"So much for the Wink of Trust," Lex said. — Gina Damico

The problem with living forever, of course, is you have to live forever before you know you're immortal ... or invincible. Even the gods, in this way, must always remain uncertain. Time trumps immortality just as uncertainty trumps omniscience, for a knower can only ever know what it knows, never what it doesn't.
(attrib: F.L. Vanderson) — Mort W. Lumsden

Obama said he went to Libya because of his conscience. Did anyone ever wrestle with his conscience and lose? — Mort Sahl

The topics which language limits us to aren't much worth discussing in the first place.
(attrib: F.L. Vanderson) — Mort W. Lumsden

Professional comedians, surprisingly, have a lack of humor. They're insensitive to the insanity of our times. — Mort Sahl

A political satirist's job is to draw blood. I'm not so much interested in politics as I am in overthrowing the government. — Mort Sahl

The-what? You went over my head?"
"It wasn't easy, I assure you," said Uncle Mort, shifting the car into gear. "That thing gets bigger every day. — Gina Damico

To be frank, I thought you were going to marry the princess.'
Mort blushed. 'We talked about it,' he said. 'Then we thought, just because you happen to rescue a princess, you shouldn't rush into things.'
'Very wise. Too many young women leap into the arms of the first young man to wake them after a hundred years' sleep, for example. — Terry Pratchett

We would have broken up except for the children. Who were the children? Well, she and I were. — Mort Sahl

Don't you find it odd that two of the foremost symptoms of insanity are the hearing voices and talking to oneself? Is it any wonder that language is an area of such interest in psychology?
(attrib: F.L. Vanderson) — Mort W. Lumsden

There were four million people in the American Colonies and we had Jefferson and Franklin. Now we have over 200 million and the two top guys are Clinton and Dole. What can you draw from this? Darwin was wrong! — Mort Sahl

When I draw, I rule the world. — Mort Walker

They don't go in for the fancy or exotic, but stick to conventional food like flightless bird embryos, minced organs in intestine skins, slices of hog flesh and burnt ground grass seeds dipped in animal fats; or, as it is known in their patois, egg, sausage, bacon and a fried slice of toast. — Terry Pratchett

Dance with me, Celaena, he said again, his voice rough. When her eyes met his she forgot about the cold, and the moon, and the glass palace looming above them. The secret library and the king's plans and Mort and Elena faded into nothing. She took his hand and there was only the music and Chaol. — Sarah J. Maas

HAVE YOU EVER BITTEN REDHOT ICE CUBE? THAT'S CURRY. — Terry Pratchett

Poets have tried to describe Ankh-Morpork. They have failed. Perhaps it's the sheer zestful vitality of the place, or maybe it's just that a city with a million inhabitants and no sewers is rather robust for poets, who prefer daffodils and no wonder. So let's just say that Ankh-Morpork is as full of life as an old cheese on a hot day, as loud as a curse in a cathedral, as bright as an oil slick, as colourful as a bruise and as full of activity, industry, bustle and sheer exuberant busyness as a dead dog on a termite mound. — Terry Pratchett

We're all entitled to our own opinions. But none of us can afford to be wrong in our facts. — Mort Crim

Mort isn't my name, of course - I was creative director of mortality, and Dr. Jeth had us all go by titles. — Tom Francis

THIS IS THE CITY, BOY, said Death. WHAT DO YOU THINK? "It's very big," said Mort, uncertainly. "I mean, why does everyone want to live all squeezed together like this?" Death shrugged. I LIKE IT, he said. IT'S FULL OF LIFE. — Anonymous

Above the forest of the parakeets,
A parakeet of parakeets prevails,
A pip of life amid a mort of tails. — Wallace Stevens

Albert grunted. "Do you know what happens to lads who ask too many questions?"
Mort thought for a moment.
"No," he said eventually, "what?"
There was silence.
Then Albert straightened up and said, "Damned if I know. Probably they get answers, and serve 'em right. — Terry Pratchett

If you maintain a consistent political position long enough, you'll eventually be accused of treason. — Mort Sahl

If you can't join them, beat them. — Mort Sahl

The acquisition by dishonest means and cunning,' said Levin, feeling that he was incapable of clearly defining the borderline between honesty and dishonesty. 'Like the profits made by banks,' he went on. 'This is evil, I mean, the acquisition of enormous fortunes without work, as it used to be with the spirit monopolists. Only the form has changed. Le roi est mort, vive le roi! Hardly were the monopolies abolished before railways and banks appeared: just another way of making money without work. — Leo Tolstoy

When Obama ran, he said, We can change the world! The world: can you change it back?! — Mort Sahl

Heaven deprives me of a wife who never caused me any other grief than that of her death.
[Fr., Le ciel me prive d'une epouse qui ne m'a jamais donne d'autre chagrin que celui de sa mort.] — Louis XIV

Laughter is the brush that sweeps away the cobwebs of your heart. — Mort Walker