Monkey Humor Quotes & Sayings

There was some kind of X-men emergency, so all the teachers were gone. This happens every now and then. It's one of the perks of having super heroes for your teachers - when the world is about to end (which is like at least twice a month), school gets canceled. Heck, three weeks ago there was a big chemistry final for the upperclassmen. Beast was the teacher - he's this big, burly guy who can do acrobatic stuff like a monkey, but he also happens to be a super-genius. He's, like, legendary for his tough finals, so there were kids walking through the halls, going, Oh, God, please let Galactus try to eat the earth. Please please please let there be an alien invasion by the Skrulls! — Barry Lyga

Claim whatever you want. Say you only want a happy family or a successful career or a big house. I say: no, that's not what you want. You'll settle for those things, but you really want a monkey that does your evil bidding. Pullman is a genius just for this. — Maureen Johnson

The monkey didn't help matters any. He was sitting on top of the microbus, just watching the undead plunge to their end. His face appeared so serene, so intelligent, as if he truly understood the situation. I almost wanted him to turn to me and say, 'This is the turning point of the war! We've finally stopped them! We're finally safe!' But instead his little penis popped out and he peed in my face. — Max Brooks

We are bored in the city, there is no longer any Temple of the Sun. Between the legs of the women walking by, the dadaists imagined a monkey wrench and the surrealists a crystal cup. That's lost. We know how to read every promise in faces-the latest stage of morphology. The poetry of the billboards lasted twenty years. We are bored in the city, we really have to strain to still discover mysteries on the sidewalk billboards, the latest state of humor and poetry. — Ivan Chtcheglov

A woman has to look good, but a man - a little bit nicer looking than a monkey is enough. — Meir Shalev

Hey, monkey pussy, you might want to give those meat curtains a spit shine before you leave the house. — Debra Anastasia

Keep your sense of humor. As General Joe Stillwell said, 'The higher a monkey climbs, the more you see of his behind'. — Donald Rumsfeld

I'd much rather a monkey throws a blanket instead of a brick. — Nicole McKay

A century ago, people laughed at the notion that we were descended from monkeys. Today, the individuals most offended by that claim are the monkeys. — Jacob M. Appel

If you have lived in cities and have walked in the park on a summer afternoon, you have perhaps seen, blinking in a corner of his iron cage, a huge, grotesque kind of monkey, a creature with ugly, sagging, hairless skin below his eyes and a bright purple underbody. This monkey is a true monster. In the completeness of his ugliness he achieved a kind of perverted beauty. Children stopping before the cage are fascinated, men turn away with an air of disgust, and women linger for a moment, trying perhaps to remember which one of their male acquaintances the thing in some faint way resembles. — Sherwood Anderson

Are you saying that was real magic?" I said. "That's crazy."
"Well, let's see. Are you telling me you just saw the past in a vision. That a monkey in a top hat was trying to murder my chief costumer and head accountant with the most powerful poison in existence using her makeup jar? If so, perhaps I'm not the crazy one here. — Delilah S. Dawson

Truth: last week I online shopped too much. Then I ate 2 pounds of jelly beans to feel better about that. In fact, while I was trying to read soul-nourishing things all I could think about was shopping and jellybeans. Points to the monkey mind. — Anna White

Those monkey-thumbs were meant for dogs. Give me my thumbs, you fu**ing monkeys! — Garth Stein

Here." Sam came over, stripped down to his boxers. "Hunch forward and put your head down."
Robin looked at him. "My safe word is monkey. — Suzanne Brockmann

I've never said flange to a monkey! — Russell Howard

After giving it some thought, I've decided to name my monkey mind Ricky Bobby. I was thinking about Latin names like Javier, but I don't want to make my jumping, distractable self sound mysterious and sexy. Ricky Bobby makes me laugh. A name like that seems silly, not strong. Just a goofy little thing that doesn't know what to do with its hands, likes to go fast, and loves tiny, infant, baby Jesus. — Anna White

Your eyes having a nervous breakdown? Do you not know what to do? Well-guess what!" He stomps to the left of the recruit, pushing the recruit's head into his until their cheeks meld together. He points out in front of them both. "I don't care if some monkey is rippin' your eyeballs out with rusty nails! YOU STARE UP FRONT AT ATTENTION! RIGHT THERE! IS THAT CLEAR! — J.K. Brown

I want to attend a Pampered Chef party about as much as I want to go to a used auto parts party where you can win a baby monkey as a door prize. — Carol Maloney Scott

The surest way to make a monkey of a man is to quote him. — Robert Benchley

Monkeys are superior to men in this: when a monkey looks into a mirror, he sees a monkey. — Malcolm De Chazal

Yes Yes
when God created love he didn't help most
when God created dogs He didn't help dogs
when God created plants that was average
when God created hate we had a standard utility
when God created me He created me
when God created the monkey He was asleep
when He created the giraffe He was drunk
when He created narcotics He was high
and when He created suicide He was low
when He created you lying in bed
He knew what He was doing
He was drunk and He was high
and He created the mountains and the sea and fire at the same time
He made some mistakes
but when He created you lying in bed
He came all over His Blessed Universe. — Charles Bukowski

Pushed times make a monkey chew pepper.~ Creole proverb. (challenging times inspire unique actions) — Myra Jolivet

I'm stuck babysitting turtle eggs while a volleyball player slash grease monkey slash aquarium volunteer tries to hit on me."
I'm not hitting on you," he protested.
No?"
Believe me, you'd know if I was hitting on you. You wouldn't be able to stop yourself from succumbing to my charms. — Nicholas Sparks

Lady Middleton piqued herself upon the elegance and extravagance of her table, and all her domestic arrangements; she loved to surprise English visitors with displays of hospitality native to her homeland, such as flavouring her soups with monkey urine and not telling anyone she had done so until the bowl had been drained. — Ben H. Winters

I can't believe you grew up and ate a monkey. Worse, I can't believe I let a guy who ate a monkey kiss my mouth.
Honey,I kissed more than your mouth. — Rachel Gibson

I used to carry a rabbit's foot for luck. Then it was a monkey's paw. Now it's a camel's toe. — Kristen Schaal

Most politicians lie for the same reason a monkey swings by his tail, which is to say because he can. — Stephen King

Never in all her life had she imagined that this idolized millinery could look, to those who paid for it, like the decorations of an insane monkey. — Charlotte Perkins Gilman

You see the button with the guy with the tray, and you push it, AND HE ARRIVES WITH A SANDWICH! ... And you think: "Yes! Yes! I control sandwich monkey! I live in magic land, magic land, magic land" — Dylan Moran

For a brief second, I entertained the idea of ripping off my gloves, rushing down the hall, and jumping on Dustin's back like a psychotic monkey. — Jennifer L. Armentrout

When a great figure passed through a city of Burgundy or Champagne, the corporation of the city turned out to deliver an address and present him with four silver goblets in which there were four wines. On the first goblet he read the inscription "monkey wine," on the second "lion wine," on the third "sheep wine," on the fourth "swine wine." These four inscriptions expressed the four descending degrees of drunkenness: the first, which enlivens; the second, which irritates; the third, which stupefies; finally the last, which brutalizes. — Victor Hugo

Mrs. Francis, may I introduce the Scourge of the Skies, the Terror of Dairy Farmers, the Lord of Lactose, Master of the Cheese Pirates of Snow Monkey Island, Captain Cheesebeard. — Sean Cullen

That craptastical, gutless, son-of-a-cactus-humping butt monkey!! — Gemma Halliday

Our names and titles are assigned randomly by a small monkey who has been fed an exceedingly large amount of gin. — Brandon Sanderson

Do you like flora and fauna? How about plants and animals? Because we have more of that beautiful crap than we know what to do with. Charmingly domesticated troops of monkeys swing freely throughout our orchid-laden property. You're probably thinking that a lot of all-inclusive resorts have monkeys. True, but only one resort packs a monkey for each of their guests to take home. You'll be showing off more than a tan to your friends, you'll be showing off a gibbon. — Colin Nissan

Fighting! Fighting like white-trash dumb monkey ...
-Park's mom — Rainbow Rowell

The world needed changing - that I knew. Global warming threatened to give us all a lethal tan; war and poverty decimated whole nations; crops worldwide were shriveling; even our brethren beasts menaced us with their monkey pox and bird flu and mad cow disease. — Jeff Deck

What is Man? Man is a noisome bacillus whom Our Heavenly Father created because he was disappointed in the monkey. — Mark Twain

I know when people think of New York, they think of theater, restaurants, cultural landmarks and shopping," I told him. "But beyond the iconic skyline and the news from Wall Street, New York is a collection of villages. In our neighborhoods, we attend school, play Kick the Can, handball and ride our bikes. I grew up knowing the names and faces of the baker, the shoe repair family, the Knish man and the Good Humor man who sold me and the other kids in my neighborhood half a popsicle for a nickel. My father took me to the playground where he pushed me on the swing, helped balance me on the seesaw and watched as I hung upside down by my feet on the monkey bars. Yes," I told the interviewer, "people actually grow up in New York. — Gina Greenlee

If you have a tendency to find yourself in MacGyveresque situations, go ahead and choose a synthetic rope to craft with. I don't want you cursing my name as you hang from a cliff by your swiftly fraying Monkey's Fist necklace. — Maura Madden