Military Humor Quotes & Sayings

Government is the Entertainment division of the military-industrial complex. — Frank Zappa

US government button specifications run to twenty-two pages. This fact on its own yields a sense of what it is like to design garments for the Army. — Mary Roach

Stop," he murmured, or at least that's what he meant to say. It came out sounding more like "Yes," which probably wasn't the same thing at all. — Tawna Fenske

They kill hundreds of people, those pilots. I would have loved to have flown the plane that dropped the bomb on Japan. A couple of dudes killed hundreds of thousands. That f****** rules! Yeah! — Evan Wright

Immigrants bring to America the values of faith in God, love of family, hard work and self reliance - the values that made us a great nation to begin with. We've all seen those values in action, through the service and sacrifice of more than 35,000 foreign-born men and women currently on active duty in the United States military. — George W. Bush

Both were military. That was clear.Reacher could tell by their haircuts. No civilian barber would be as pragmatic or as brutal. — Lee Child

Colon has always thought that heroes had some special kind of clockwork that made them go out and die famously for god, country and apple pie, or whatever particular delicacy their mother made. It had never occurred to him that they might do it because they'd get yelled at if they didn't. — Terry Pratchett

Never run after a man or a bus, there's always another one in five minutes. — Cherry Adair

Don't stop aspiring. Just learn to duck. . . — Leif Herrgesell

To my way of thinking, there is every bit as much evidence for the
existence of UFOs as there is for the existence of God. Probably far
more. At least in the case of UFOs there have been countless taped
and filmed and, by the way, unexplained sightings from all over the
world, along with documented radar evidence seen by experienced
military and civilian radar operators.>> — George Carlin

It must've been Albert's military background, because man, when he dropped a bomb the entire country shook. I was still jittery as a hurricane survivor in New Orleans, and I was sure that somewhere in Alaska some poor Inuit had just taken a tumble from his sled for the very same reason. — Jennifer Rardin

Whoever said the pen is mightier than the sword obviously never encountered automatic weapons. — Douglas MacArthur

You never say what I wish you'd say, and you frequently say nothing at all when it's clear you should say something, so it's not entirely fantastical that you'd say a certain thing when you mean something else entirely." He opened his mouth, shut it, and considered the ground briefly before responding. "I remember studying Fleet Admiral Starcrest's Mathematical Probabilities Applied to Military Strategies as a young boy and finding that less confusing than what you just said." Now it was her turn for a stunned pause before answering. "Sicarius?" She laid a tentative hand on his shoulder. "Was that a joke?" "A statement of fact. — Lindsay Buroker

We have to work extra hard, because we in America are very ethnocentric
we think our culture is superior. Why's that? It's because we've got moon rocks, and nobody else has moon rocks. — Dick Couch

Preemptive strike n.
A blow or punch delivered by military aircraft to a target who is suspected of being adverse to one's plot for world domination. — Leslie Starr O'Hara

Between his dueling and military career, Jackson had been shot so many times that scholars says he "rattled like a bag of marbles" when he walked as a result of all of the never-removed bullets taking up residence in his body. The pieces of shrapnel he carries around like internal medals of honor are about ten times larger than your balls and infinity times as armored. — Daniel O'Brien

Trying to drown me woman?
'You can't drown a SEAL,' she said. 'How embarrassing would that be?'
'God yes. Shoot me, hang me, let me die of infection from a hangnail, but don't let me die in the water. They'd send me to hell on principle. — Maya Banks

It's hard to win a war with a front at your back. — Gregory S. Close

Military Wives - Sacrificing Months of Sex for the Country. — Aditi Mathur Kumar

The last thing I need is for my dad to stroll in and see me abusing myself to lighting-fast pornographic images.Military school will become a reality faster than those people are doing it. — Brent Crawford

We're certain there are people that can't stand what America stands for ... We're certain there are madmen in this world, and there's terror, and there's missiles and I'm certain of this, too: I'm certain to maintain the peace, we better have a military of high morale, and I'm certain that under this administration, morale in the military is dangerously low. — George W. Bush

The other day, we went somewhere, and did something. — Colby Buzzell

No such private nights of ecstasy or hushed-up drinking and sex orgies ever occurred. They might have occurred if either General Dreedle or General Peckem had once evinced an interest in taking part in orgies with him, but neither ever did, and the colonel was certainly not going to waste his time and energy making love to beautiful women unless there was something in it for him. — Joseph Heller

I was still a newlywed and certainly wasn't to the point where I felt comfortable yelling, "I'm going to shit my pants any second!"
But the sweating had started, which was followed by the tears. "I'm not feeling well, and need to get home," I told him.
"Ok, but I have to obey the speed limit because of all the kids in the neighborhood," he replied.
I was pleading with him to hurry up when he came to a complete stop.
I screamed at him, "Why are we stopping?"
He rolled down the window. "Retreat."
I could see the flag lowering in the distance, the beautiful orange sun setting behind it.
In the opposite direction I could see the roof line of our home - so close, yet so far away.
As Retreat played, I surrendered. I pooped my pants. I took one for the flag.
Now that's patriotism. — Mollie Gross

In it {a film Peter saw} a sadistic sergeant broke the spirit of soldier in a military prison by beating him up at systematically random intervals, from more than a day down to a quarter of an hour, so that the victim never knew when the next attack was coming, never felt safe. Life with Muriel, it seemed to Peter, had over the last seven or eight years turned into a decreasingly bearable version of that. — Kingsley Amis

In all, his outfit required nearly two thousand man-years of research and development, eight barrels of oil, and sixteen patent and trademark infringement lawsuits. All so he could possess casual style. A style that, in logistical requirements, was comparable to fielding a nineteenth-century military brigade.
But he looked good. Casual. — Daniel Suarez

Don't waste yer' breath kid. Explainin' anything to that one? It's like tryin' ta' slap the dumb off a retard ... -George Foster — Shawn Durnin

Prime numbers are useful for writing codes and in America they are classed as Military Material and if you find one over 100 digits you have to tell the CIA and they buy it off you for $10,000. But it would not be a very good way of making a living. — Mark Haddon

Your eyes having a nervous breakdown? Do you not know what to do? Well-guess what!" He stomps to the left of the recruit, pushing the recruit's head into his until their cheeks meld together. He points out in front of them both. "I don't care if some monkey is rippin' your eyeballs out with rusty nails! YOU STARE UP FRONT AT ATTENTION! RIGHT THERE! IS THAT CLEAR! — J.K. Brown

The back door popped open, and Claire, fairy wings all a-flutter, pulled Miranda inside. It was like a military operation, only with one hundred percent less camouflage. — Rachel Caine

Writing a first-draft battle scene is akin to real combat - chaos, confusion, and you must keep your cool as you fire word bullets downrange. — Don Roff

The desert is an unpredictable place. One day you're sweating, the next you're freezing. One moment the air is damp and cloudy like when the tide is coming in, the next the entire world is orange and dusty. The desert must be a woman. — Dianna Skowera

At the top of his file was a three-dimensional holograph scanned in from his military graduation. Cress preferred it to the infamous prison photo that had become so popular, the one in which he was winking at the camera, because in the holograph he was wearing a freshly pressed uniform with shiny silver buttons and a confident, one-sided grin.
Seeing that smile, Cress melted.
Every. Time.
"Hello again, Mr. Thorne," she whispered to the holograph. — Marissa Meyer

Celeste rejoined him. "How you ladies do love a bargain," he said.
"You were listening!"
"I left before you shared the secrets of your undergarments." Jack looked sheepish. "That didn't sound quite how I intended."
Celeste blushed. "You should not have mentioned it at all. A lady's undergarments are not a fit topic for a gentleman to discuss at a military dinner."
"Actually," he retorted, "you would be surprised at how often the subject comes up. — Marguerite Kaye

It would be stupid for me to attempt to return to Society without basic reconnaissance."
"That is a term usually reserved for military conflict."
She raised a brow. "It is London in season. You think I am not at war? — Sarah MacLean

In my experience, the ex-military guys came in two types. The first grew long hair, sprouted beards, and indulged in all the things they hadn't been able do while they'd been in the armed forces. The second did their best to pretend they never got out. — Ilona Andrews

Thus on the tenth day of September we all crossed to the left bank of the Yaruga, only once being hailed by the guard, at whom Cahir, wrinkling his brow imperiously, shouted back something menacing about imperial service, backing up his words with the classically military and ever effective 'for fuck's sake'. Before anyone had time to grow curious about us, we were already on the left bank of the Yaruga and deep in the Riverdell forest ... — Andrzej Sapkowski

The US military and the CIA got busy working on plans for the conquest of Cuba. And it would be no Mickey Mouse boat operation this time. This time, Fidel Castro and his hairy henchmen would find out what it felt like to have American fighter-bombers drop the fires of hell on their heads three hundred times a day. — Mal Peet

We're like America's little pit bull. They beat it, starve it, mistreat it, and once in a while they let it out to attack somebody. — Evan Wright

As boys going to sea immediately become nautical in speech, walk as if they already had their "sea legs" on, and shiver their timbers on all possible occasions, so I turned military at once, called my dinner my rations, saluted all new comers, and ordered a dress parade that very afternoon. — Louisa May Alcott

What a slacker. Just because daddy paid for his college education, he thinks he can avoid dying for his country."
Willie "Drafted — Rich Allan

It must be said here, however, that among the activities that all LTTE members, both men and women, enjoyed most was reminiscing about events of the past. Watching them enjoying such conversations, one would think that they were the happiest people on earth because the interactions would be filled with laughter. They would discuss dead comrades, past battles, instances of near capture by the Lankan Military, receiving punishment from superiors, etc. But all of these subjects were discussed with a sense of humor. One SLMM member, who had noticed this without being able to understand the language, once commented that for a set of liberation fighters they did spend an awful lot of time talking and laughing. All of them indeed carried with them a great deal of painful memories and this, it seemed, was their therapy — N. Malathy

The Americans called theirs the Officers Club but the Canadians called ours the Officers Mess. The American term was the more honest; ours the more accurate. Drunken officers at play are messy. — R.J. Childerhose

Humor can inform and break down stigma, which is a huge issue in the military. — Garry Trudeau

For the moment, I am relying on the authority of Cahir aep Ceallach, the only soldier in our company-and Cahir confirmed that winning battles by means of a rapid escape from the battlefield is permissible from the point of view of most military doctrines. — Andrzej Sapkowski

She says with that misty
far-away look in her eyes. Like conjunctivitis. — Aditi Mathur Kumar

I don't want unnecessary violence, sergeant," said Blouse.
"Right you are, sir!" said the sergeant. "Carborundum! First man comes through that door runnin', I want him nailed to the wall!" He caught the lieutenant's eye, and added: "But not too hard! — Terry Pratchett

Oh Pia, I feel GOOD! Fully recovered!' he always says in a dazzling tone that tells everyone within a ten-kilometre radius that he's not. — Aditi Mathur Kumar

A green X-wing closed in tighter to the formation. "Yes, sir." Though distorted by the comm system, the voice sounded indulgent rather than military.
"That's 'Yes, Wedge' until we're formally returned to duty." The commander smiled. "Or perhaps, 'Yes, Exalted One.' Or 'Yes, O envy of all Corellia.' Or- — Aaron Allston

He committed the crime of stupidity while under my command," said Citizen.
"Oh my," said Rigg. "They're handing out the death penalty for that these days? — Orson Scott Card

You may need help or information from some nongovernmental organization, and the local person heading that NGO may be some West Coast, liberal-educated, no-leg-shaving, Birkenstock-wearing female uniform-hater. And you gotta deal with her. — Dick Couch