Marshall Rosenberg Quotes & Sayings

When I recognize I've got anger, then I realize it's because I have a need that's not being met. — Marshall B. Rosenberg

If you are a jackal, you will try to reassure. Jackals try to fix people in pain. They can't stand pain, but make matters worse by trying to get rid of it. Put on giraffe ears. Try to hear what they are feeling and needing. — Marshall B. Rosenberg

Make your goal to attend to your underlying needs and to aim for a resolution so satisfying that everyone involved has their needs met also. — Marshall B. Rosenberg

NVC requires us to be continually conscious of the beauty within ourselves and other people. — Marshall B. Rosenberg

This language is from the head. It is a way of mentally classifying people into varying shades of good and bad, right and wrong. Ultimately, it provokes defensiveness, resistance, and counterattack. It is a language of demands. — Marshall B. Rosenberg

In our culture, most of us have been trained to ignore our own wants and to discount our needs. — Marshall B. Rosenberg

Blaming and punishing others are superficial expressions of anger. — Marshall B. Rosenberg

As long as I think I 'should' do it, I'll resist it, even if I want very much to do it. — Marshall B. Rosenberg

People do not hear our pain when they believe they are at fault. — Marshall B. Rosenberg

If we wish to express anger fully, the first step is to divorce the other person from any responsibility for our anger. — Marshall B. Rosenberg

The only time a message (label) can scare us is if we think there is such a thing, and that such a thing is a disgrace. — Marshall B. Rosenberg

If we become skilled in giving ourselves empathy, we often experience in just a few seconds a natural release of energy which then enables us to be present with the other person. If this fails to happen, however, we have a couple of other choices. — Marshall B. Rosenberg

Upset? Ask yourself what this person does that is a trigger for judging them? — Marshall B. Rosenberg

Imagine connecting with the human spirit in each person in any situation at any time. Imagine interacting with others in a way that allows everyone's need to be equally valued. Imagine creating organizations and life-serving systems responsive to our needs and the needs of our environment. — Marshall B. Rosenberg

NVC can be effectively applied at all levels of communication and in diverse situations: intimate relationships, families, schools, organizations and institutions, therapy and counseling, diplomatic and business negotiations, disputes and conflicts of any nature. — Marshall B. Rosenberg

They have most likely said it because they have an unmet need. — Marshall B. Rosenberg

We want people to change because they see better ways of meeting their needs at less cost, not because of fear that we're going to punish them, or 'guilt' them if they don't. This applies to ourselves as well. — Marshall B. Rosenberg

Labeling and diagnosis is a catastrophic way to communicate. Telling other people what's wrong with them greatly reduces, almost to zero, the probability that we're going to get what we're after. — Marshall B. Rosenberg

Also, think about your intentionality - are you getting lost in the method? or coming from the intentionality, the purpose? You don't want to do the mechanics without the consciousness. — Marshall B. Rosenberg

Any evaluation which implies rightness or wrongness is a tragic, suicidal expression of an unmet need. Tragic, first because it decreases our likelihood of getting our need met! Even if we think it. And secondly, because it increases the likelihood of violence. That's why I'm suggesting any evaluation which implies rightness or wrongness is a tragic, suicidal expression of an unmet need. Say the need! Learn a need-consciousness. — Marshall B. Rosenberg

Empathy lies in our ability to be present without opinion. — Marshall B. Rosenberg

I wouldn't expect someone who's been injured to hear my side until they felt that I had fully understood the depth of their pain. — Marshall B. Rosenberg

If you have an image of someone cutting off a relationship, it's the cutting off that will lead to your suffering. If you see the action as their need being expressed, then the message is within them, not you. Any interpretation you put onto another person's message (such as passive-aggressive, withholding, etc.), you will pay for because of how you took it. — Marshall B. Rosenberg

NVC is founded on language and communication skills that strengthen our ability to remain human, even under trying conditions. — Marshall B. Rosenberg

Never hear what a jackal-speaking person thinks, especially what they think about you. — Marshall B. Rosenberg

I find that my cultural conditioning leads me to focus attention on places where I am unlikely to get what I want. I developed NVC as a way to train my attention-to shine the light of consciousness-on places that have the potential to yield what I am seeking. — Marshall B. Rosenberg

The best way I can get understanding from another person is to give this person the understanding, too. If I want them to hear my needs and feelings, I first need to empathize. — Marshall B. Rosenberg

Behind intimidating messages are simply people appealing to us to meet their needs. — Marshall B. Rosenberg

I believe that the most joyful and intrinsic motivation human beings have for taking any action is the desire to meet our needs and the needs of others. — Marshall B. Rosenberg

I try never to hear what another person thinks of me. I enjoy life a lot more when I spend as little time as possible hearing or thinking about what other people think about me. I go to the needs behind the thoughts. Then I'm in a different world. — Marshall B. Rosenberg

Power-Over leads to punishment and violence. Power-With leads to compassion and understanding, and to learning motivated by reverence for life rather than fear, guilt, shame, or anger. — Marshall B. Rosenberg

When we make mistakes, we can use the process of NVC mourning and self-forgiveness to show us where we can grow instead of getting caught up in moralistic self-judgments. — Marshall B. Rosenberg

Fear of punishment diminishes self-esteem and goodwill. — Marshall B. Rosenberg

You can try reading books that will help you be a leader, like Marshall Rosenberg and Thich Nhat Hanh. Be very humble and say, "I don't know why. I don't feel qualified, but I accept this role that you gave me, and so help me." — Sandra Cisneros

Everything we do is in service of our needs. When this one concept is applied to our view of others, we'll see that we have no real enemies, that what others do to us is the best possible thing they know to do to get their needs met. — Marshall B. Rosenberg

When it comes to giving advice, never do so unless you've first received a request in writing, signed by a lawyer. — Marshall B. Rosenberg

You don't have to be brilliant. It's enough to become progressively less stupid. — Marshall B. Rosenberg

The more we talk about the past, the less we heal from it. — Marshall B. Rosenberg

Getting in touch with unmet needs is important to the healing process. — Marshall B. Rosenberg

Never do anything that isn't play. — Marshall B. Rosenberg

What others do may be the stimulus of our feelings, but never the cause. — Marshall B. Rosenberg

Unless we as social change agents come from a certain kind of spirituality, we're likely to create more harm than good. — Marshall B. Rosenberg

The cause of anger lies in our thinking - in thoughts of blame and judgment. — Marshall B. Rosenberg

The spirituality that we need to develop for social change is one that mobilizes us for social change. — Marshall B. Rosenberg

The punitive use of force tends to generate hostility and to reinforce resistance to the very behavior we are seeking. — Marshall B. Rosenberg

Never connect yourself with the other person's pain. Just hear their need. Leave yourself out of the other person's feelings and needs. — Marshall B. Rosenberg

A second even more obvious sign is that the person will stop talking. If we are uncertain as to whether we have stayed long enough in the process, we can always ask, "Is there more that you wanted to say"? — Marshall B. Rosenberg

There are the two main reasons we don't get our needs met. First, we don't know how to express our needs to begin with and second if we do, we forget to put a clear request after it, or we use vague words like appreciate, listen, recognize, know, be real, and stuff like that. — Marshall B. Rosenberg

We give empathy to others for our own benefit. — Marshall B. Rosenberg

Anger, depression, guilt, and shame are the product of the thinking that is at the base of violence on our planet. — Marshall B. Rosenberg

Have you ever been surfing? Imagine you're on your surfboard now, waiting for the big one to come. Get ready to get carried with that energy. Now, here it comes. That's empathy. No words - just being with that energy. When I connect with what's alive in another person, I have feelings similar to when I'm surfing. — Marshall B. Rosenberg

My need is for safety, fun and to have distribution of resources, a sustainable life on the planet. NVC is a strategy that serves me to meet these needs. — Marshall B. Rosenberg

I don't think you can have an authentic connection when one person is diagnosing the other. — Marshall B. Rosenberg

As NVC replaces our old patterns of defending, withdrawing or attacking in the face of judgment and criticism. We come to perceive ourselves and others, as well as our intentions and relationships, in a new light. Resistance, defensiveness, and violent reactions are minimized. — Marshall B. Rosenberg

It may be most difficult to empathize with those we are closest to. — Marshall B. Rosenberg

Use the words "I feel because I" to remind us that what we feel it isn't because of what the other person did, but because of a choice I've made. — Marshall B. Rosenberg

Speak Peace is a book that comes at an appropriate time when anger and violence dominates human attitudes. Marshall Rosenberg gives us the means to create peace through our speech and communication. A brilliant book. — Arun Manilal Gandhi

We need empathy to give empathy. — Marshall B. Rosenberg

The more we use words that in any way imply criticism, the more difficult it is for people to stay connected to the beauty within themselves. — Marshall B. Rosenberg

All that has been integrated into NVC has been known for centuries about consciousness, language, communication skills, and use of power that enable us to maintain a perspective of empathy for ourselves and others, even under trying conditions. — Marshall B. Rosenberg

Thinking based on who deserves what blocks compassionate communication. — Marshall B. Rosenberg

in a more loving manner, and those two things you said provide the direction I was looking for. — Marshall B. Rosenberg

Empathy: Emptying our mind and listening with our whole being — Marshall B. Rosenberg

Our goal is to create a quality of empathic connection that allows everyone's needs to be met. — Marshall B. Rosenberg

The first step in healing is to put the focus on what's alive now, not what happened in the past. — Marshall B. Rosenberg

Some people use NVC to respond compassionately to themselves, some to create greater depth in their personal relationships, and still others to build effective relationships at work or in the political arena. Worldwide, NVC is used to mediate disputes and conflicts at all levels. — Marshall B. Rosenberg

Whether I praise or criticize someone's action, I imply that I am their judge, that I'm engaged in rating them or what they have done. — Marshall B. Rosenberg

If you think ahead to what to say next - like how to fix it or make the person feel better - BOOM! Off the board. You're into the future. Empathy requires staying with the energy that's here right now. Not using any technique. Just being present. When I have really connected to this energy, it's like I wasn't there. I call this "watching the magic show". In this presence, a very precious energy works through us that can heal anything, and this relieves me from my "fix-it" tendencies. — Marshall B. Rosenberg

Keep in mind that other people's actions can never 'make' you feel any certain way. Feelings are your warning indicators. — Marshall B. Rosenberg

People don't make us angry, how we think makes us angry. — Marshall B. Rosenberg

We need empathy to give empathy. When we sense ourselves being defensive or unable to empathize, we need to (a) stop, breathe, give ourselves empathy, (b) scream nonviolently, or (c) take time out. — Marshall B. Rosenberg

Empathy allows us to re-perceive our world in a new way and move forward. — Marshall B. Rosenberg

Get very clear about the kind of world we would like and then start living that way. — Marshall B. Rosenberg

I never have to worry about another person's response, only how I react to what they say. — Marshall B. Rosenberg

Not getting our needs fulfilled is painful - but it's a sweet pain, not suffering, which is what comes from life-alienated thinking and interpretation. — Marshall B. Rosenberg

Use anger as a wake-up call to unmet needs. — Marshall B. Rosenberg

If the other persons behavior is not in harmony with my own needs, the more I empathize with them and their needs, the more likely I am to get me own needs met. — Marshall B. Rosenberg

An important aspect of self-compassion is to be able to empathically hold both parts of ourselves-the self that regrets a past action and the self that took the action in the first place. — Marshall B. Rosenberg

Never hear what somebody thinks about you, you'll live longer. Hear that they're in pain. Don't hear their analysis. — Marshall B. Rosenberg

Empathize, rather than put your "but" in the face of an angry person. — Marshall B. Rosenberg

Depression is the reward we get for being 'good'. — Marshall B. Rosenberg

When we fear punishment, we focus on consequences, not on our own values. — Marshall B. Rosenberg

The most dangerous of all behaviors may consist of doing things 'because we're supposed to. — Marshall B. Rosenberg

Interpretations, criticisms, diagnoses, and judgments of others are actually alienated expressions of our unmet needs. — Marshall B. Rosenberg

If we want to make meetings productive, we need to keep track of those whose requests are on the table. — Marshall B. Rosenberg

Don't get addicted to your requests. Your objective is needs, not requests. Because then it becomes a demand. — Marshall B. Rosenberg

Never question the beauty of what you are saying because someone reacts with pain, judgment, criticism. It just means they have not heard you. — Marshall B. Rosenberg

When people hear needs, it provokes compassion. — Marshall B. Rosenberg

It's harder to empathize with those who appear to possess more power, status, or resources. — Marshall B. Rosenberg

Never give advice to your children unless you have it in writing and notarized. — Marshall B. Rosenberg

Violence in any form is a tragic expression of our unmet needs. — Marshall B. Rosenberg

Anger can be a wonderful wake up call to help you understand what you need and what you value. — Marshall B. Rosenberg

NVC is language, thoughts, communication skills and means of influence that serve my desire to do three things: 1) to liberate myself from cultural learning that is in conflict with how I want to live my life. 2) to empower myself to connect with myself and others in a way that makes compassionate giving natural. 3) to empower myself to create structures that support compassionate giving. — Marshall B. Rosenberg

Before we tackle the gangs and the basic story, we have to make sure that we have liberated ourselves from how we have been educated and make sure we are coming from a spirituality of our own choosing. — Marshall B. Rosenberg

When we focus on clarifying what is being observed, felt, and needed rather than on diagnosing and judging, we discover the depth of our own compassion. — Marshall B. Rosenberg

Our survival as a species depends on our ability to recognize that our well-being and the well-being of others are in fact one and the same. — Marshall B. Rosenberg

With empathy we don't direct, we follow. Don't just do something, be there. — Marshall B. Rosenberg

Public education for some time has been heavily focused on what curricula we believe will be helpful to students. Life-Enriching Education is based on the premise that the relationship between teachers and students, the relationships of students with one another, and the relationships of students to what they are learning are equally important in preparing students for the future. — Marshall B. Rosenberg

With empathy, I'm fully with them, and not full of them - that's sympathy. — Marshall B. Rosenberg

We are dangerous when we are not conscious of our responsibility for how we behave, think, and feel. — Marshall B. Rosenberg