Marriage Humour Quotes & Sayings

Y-naga: "That's the thing ... It's like trying to find a guy who's a kid at heart but still a responsible adult, so he can be counted on when I find myself in a pinch, somebody who's a little wild at times but normally lets me have my way even when I'm being selfish and just says, "well, if you insist," a guy who's not too full of himself but understands what clothes suit his body type best ... "
S-hara: "What I'm saying is the pretty ones are stupid! The ones who have it all together are all so, so stubborn that they never do things my way! — Fumi Yoshinaga

Men like Carew, he knows, tend to blame him, Cromwell, for Anne's rise in the world; he facilitated it, he broke the old marriage and let in the new. He does not expect them to soften to him, to include him in their companionship; he only wants them not to spit in his dinner. — Hilary Mantel

Opposite her, calming his peaceful hunger, was old Jacob, a man who had loved her so much and for so long that he could no longer conceive of any suffering that didn't start with his wife. — Gabriel Garcia Marquez

Your mother was a hero. She developed a spell for gnomeatic fever. And she was the youngest headmaster in Watford history."
Baz is looking at Penny like they've never met.
"And," Penny goes on, "she defended your father in three duels before he accepted her proposal."
"That sounds barbaric," I say.
"It was traditional," Baz says.
"It was brilliant," Penny says. "I've read the minutes."
"Where?" Baz asks her.
"We have them in our library at home," she says "My dad loves marriage rites. Any sort of family magic, actually. He and my mother are bound together in five dimensions. — Rainbow Rowell

Shame on you. Don't tell me you've been married for an hour and you've already got eyes for another woman. — Mordecai Richler

For me to forgive my ex, he would have to sign a marriage contract with his tears and seal it with his blood. — Natalya Vorobyova

Mort was hurt by this. It was one thing not to want to marry someone, but quite another to be told they didn't want to marry you. — Terry Pratchett

Great deal of stress is placed on the importance of humour in the modern relationship. Everything will be all right, we are led to believe, as long as you can make each other laugh, rendering a successful marriage as, in effect, fifty years of improv. To someone who felt in need of fresh new material, as I did during that long, dehydrated night of the soul, this was a cause for concern. I had always enjoyed making Connie laugh, it was satisfying and reassuring because laughter, I suppose, — David Nicholls

My advice to you is get married: if you find a good wife you'll be happy; if not, you'll become a philosopher. — Socrates

I honestly thought my marriage would work because me and the wife did share a sense of humour. We had to really, because she didn't have one. — Frank Skinner

A good marriage is loving someone in a lot of different circumstances. Respect for them and their views and ideas and the life that they're leading with you. Shared values and interests. A good sense of humour. And a little volatility along the way. — Edward Kennedy

Her father, captivated by youth and beauty, and that appearance of good humour which youth and beauty generally give, had married a woman whose weak understanding and illiberal mind had very early in their marriage put an end to all real affection for her. — Jane Austen

Well! marriage is like death, it comes to all. — Robert Louis Stevenson

Thirty years of marriage to Erasto had taught her much, namely that men were reckless by nature, full of bluster, most incompetent, the rest fortunate to have a wife to keep them from allowing their innate ineptitude to engulf all around them. — A.H. Septimius

I liked, as I like still, to make words look self-conscious and foolish, to bind them by mock marriage of a pun, to turn them inside out, to come upon them unawares. What is this jest in majesty? This ass in passion? How do god and devil combine to form a live dog? — Vladimir Nabokov

The weekend break had begun with the usual resentment and had continued with half-repressed ill humour. It was, of course, his fault. He had been more ready to hurt his wife's feelings and deprive his daughter than inconvenience a pub bar full of strangers. He wished there could be one memory of his dead child which wasn't tainted with guilt and regret. — P.D. James

Other married people have lived together and hated each other. Why shouldn't we? We may forget even to hate. — E. Phillips Oppenheim

That as my sister-in-law at Colchester had said, beauty, wit, manners, sense, good humour, good behaviour, education, virtue, piety, or any other qualification, whether of body or mind, had no power to recommend; that money only made a woman agreeable; that men chose mistresses indeed by the gust of their affection, and it was requisite
to a whore to be handsome, well-shaped, have a good mien and a graceful behaviour; but that for a wife, no deformity would shock the fancy, no ill qualities the judgment; the money was the thing; the portion was
neither crooked nor monstrous, but the money was always agreeable, whatever the wife was. — Daniel Defoe

The dressmakers have just arrived from Shylon; they are coming here to display their goods.'
'Really, that's lovely.'
'I was wondering if I could have some money, please.'
'What's the point in having your own money if you're just going to spend mine?'
'Yeah, but the amount of dresses I'm planning to buy, I might not have enough.'
'Then buy an amount you can afford.' Ratilla responded bearing an expression of incredulity.
'Oh Rat.' Tizi said as she pouted, conjuring a mournful expression. 'I just want to look pretty, what will they say if the wife of the Imperial Chancellor is clothed in rags? I'm only trying to play my part as the wife of the great Ratilla.' Tizi said, her eyes full of misery, as Ratilla shook his head and chuckled. — A.H. Septimius

Marriage is about the most expensive way for the average man to get his laundry done. — Burt Reynolds

Don't just live your life, set it on fire! — Ginger Sullivan

Your brother was a terrible traitor, I know, but if we start killing men at weddings they'll be even more frightened of marriage than they are presently. — George R R Martin

Divorce is not always a doorway to happiness. The same can be said about marriage. — Mokokoma Mokhonoana

The lot of the bride
to be wed before bed
desired until rotten.
The lot of the author
to be read before bed
admired then forgotten. — Roman Payne

When a man steals your wife, there is no better revenge than to let him keep her. — Sacha Guitry

Mark raised his eyebrows, 'you don't know the half of it,' he further mumbled, more to himself than in reply to Frankie. 'But listen up; because this isn't about me anyway; this is about you, about how you need to sort it out, yeah? This is all about you getting yourself a girl, and settling down, right?'

Frankie offered up a wistful kind of sigh, supping his pint as those heavily suggestive words immediately grated: settle down and never settle up. — Tom Conrad

Married, married. My ring on your finger. Yours on mine. Till death do us part," he rattles off. "Come on Mabes, it's the next logical step. We've been living together for long enough. It's time to make an honest man out of me."
"We've been living together for five hours," I say, looking at the clock.
He shrugs. "When it's right, it's right. — Lily Morton

Mr Hawkins said nothing; the Hawkins' domestic affairs were arranged upon the principle that Fanny supplied the talk and he the silence. — Susanna Clarke

Sophie did this?" He said, not for the first time. They were standing at the foot of Jessamine's bed. She lay flung upon it, her chest rising and falling slowly like the famous Sleeping Beauty waxwork or Madame du Barry. Her fair hair was scattered on the pillow, and a large, bloody welt ran across her forehead. Each of her wrists was tied to a post of the bed. "Our Sophie?"
Tessa glanced over at Sophie, who was sitting in a chair by the door. Her head was down, and she was staring at her hands. She studiously avoided looking at Tessa or Will. "Yes,"Tessa said, "and do stop repeating it."
" I think i may be in love with you, Sophie," said Will. "Marriage could be on the cards."
Sophie whimpered. — Cassandra Clare

Her knee caught him between the legs with pitiless accuracy, driving the wind from his chest, making him teeter for a breathless moment, then bringing him down like a sledgehammer to a house of cards. As he slid groaning to the carpet in that special, shooting agony that only a blow to the fruits can produce, it was little consolation that he had been right.
His Queen was quite evidently a woman of rare and fiery passion. — Joe Abercrombie

Men are pigs, darling. I really have every sympathy for women that they actually have to choose one of these arrogant, stupid morons to settle down with and marry. — Michael Winner

How many husbands have I had? You mean apart from my own? — Zsa Zsa Gabor

Women who seek advice from single women about getting a man is like asking a homeless man how to be rich. — Habeeb Akande

I smiled, knowing that Elizabeth, even in the worst of her humours, was far better suited to my own disposition. She would scold me, quarrel with me, torment me, tease me and laugh at me as often as may be.
I was the happiest man in the world. — Mary Street

What am I to call it? Diffidence? The fear of ridicule? Inverted vanity? What matters names, if it has brought me to this? I could never bear to be bustling about nothing; I was ashamed of this toy kingdom from the first; I could not tolerate that people should fancy I believed in a thing so patently absurd! I would do nothing that cannot be done smiling. I have a sense of humour, forsooth! I must know better than my Maker. And it was the same thing in my marriage," he added more hoarsely. "I did not believe this girl could care for me; I must not intrude; I must preserve the foppery of my indifference. What an impotent picture!"
"Ay, we have the same blood," moralised Gotthold. "You are drawing, with fine strokes, the character of the born sceptic."
"Sceptic? - coward!" cried Otto. "Coward is the word. A springless, putty-hearted, cowering coward! — Robert Louis Stevenson

Doesn't he look just like a ring wraith?" she said thoughtfully.
"Are you kidding?" replied Cathy, "I most certainly won't be carol singing at your door this Christmas if you've got one of those ugly things hanging on it!"
"No, from Lord of the Rings," said Sue impatiently.
"I'm sorry," snorted Cathy, "I don't watch pornographic material."
"Have you never read a book?!" Sue snapped. "It's about a small man who travels through dangerous lands to drop a ring into a volcano, it's a classic."
"Does sound like a small man," she replied, "can't even face his marriage problems full on. — Paul Baxter

Aren't all marriages kind of gay? As a man, when you get marries, essentially what you're saying is 'I will never touch another woman as long as I live, now let's put jewellery on each other and dance — Jimmy Kimmel

The groom should not see you in the dress just before the wedding, that's bad luck. You know what's worst luck? Is getting married, itself. I've read studies. It's like 2 out of 3 of those end in divorce, sometimes more. 3 out of 2, some. — Hank Moody

No congratulations?' Derry said cheerfully. 'No "well done, Derry"? I am disappointed in you, William Pole. There's not many men could have pulled this off in such a time, but I have, haven't I? The French looked for foxes and found only innocent chickens, just like we wanted. The marriage will go ahead and all we need to do now is mention casually to the English living in Maine and Anjou that their service is no longer appreciated by the Crown. In short, that they can fuck off. — Conn Iggulden

When she smiles niggers ask her for her hand in marriage; when I smile folks check their wallets. — Junot Diaz

Maybe we could, um, go sit in the truck? he said, but even as he said it, it sounded so dumb. And not exactly the way he wanted her to remember a marriage proposal. — Robyn Carr

Men (who cheat) do not cheat because they are dogs. They are (regarded as) dogs because they cheat. — Mokokoma Mokhonoana