Lol Funny Quotes & Sayings

I want to do it too!" said Gazzy, sitting very, very quietly, completely motionless.
"Nope," said Nudge, shaking her head. "You stand out like a fart in church. — James Patterson

Only love will attract love."~ Amunhotep El Bey — Amunhotep El Bey

I'm sorry I missed the meeting and hurt your little feely-weels okay? — Nenia Campbell

Oh, my dear! I'm afraid you've mistaken
me for someone else! My name is Rhea Silvia. I was the mother to Romulus and Remus, thousands of years ago. But you're so kind to think I look as young as the 1950s. — Rick Riordan

I'm a godmother, that's a great thing to be, a godmother. She calls me god for short, that's cute, I taught her that. — Ellen DeGeneres

Glaring at the Gasman, ter Borcht said, "Your time is coming to an end, you
pathetic failure of an experiment. Vhat you say now is how you vill be
remembered."
Gazzy's blue eyes flashed. "Then you can remember me telling you to kiss
my-"
"Enough!" ter Borcht said. — James Patterson

They have provided a system which for terse comprehensiveness surpasses Justinian's Pandects and the By-laws of the Chinese Society for the Suppression of Meddling with other People's Business. — Herman Melville

Most humans expressed affection by pressing their lips together, a simple act, so why would anyone feel the need to research the process? — Melissa Landers

Oh, god ... " I whimper. "I haven't done anything yet, baby," Colton growls. "I know," I pant. "I was just saying your name. — Jasinda Wilder

Our neighbors were so excited when a black family moved in that they got them a welcome basket with the first three seasons of The Cosby Show on DVD. — Flynn Meaney

The snozberries taste like snozberries! — Roald Dahl

Interviewer: So. Tell me about your mother.
Ezra: You're taping this, right?
Interviewer: Audio only. Camera is faulty.
Ezra: Okay, well for the benefit of the sight-impaired, I am now raising my ... oh, dear ... yes, it's my MIDDLE finger at Mr. Postgrad here.
Interviewer: Mr. Mason ...
Ezra: Now I'm wiggling it.
Interviewer: Terminating interview at 13:58 on 03/19/75.
Ezra: Look at it wiggl-
-audio ends- — Amie Kaufman

Oh, yes. Milk from my favorite cows:brown. — Darynda Jones

Easy for you to say. You're the one who got plowed. I was doing the plowing. Cam's mouth opened. Oh my God, did I really just say that? I had. — Jennifer L. Armentrout

Popularity, my dear, is as overrated as a large member. — Sarah Winman

Love is as we will it to be." ~ Amunhotep El Bey — Amunhotep El Bey

It's a training camp," Leo realized. He looked at Aphros in awe. "You train heroes, the same way Chiron does?"
Aphros nodded, a glint of pride in his eyes. "We have trained all the famous mer-heroes! Name a merhero, and we have trained him or her!"
"Oh, sure," Leo said. "Like ... um, the Little Mermaid? — Rick Riordan

Fang swerved closer to me, big and supremely graceful, like a black panther with wings.
Oh, God. I'm so stupid. Forget I just said that.
"He needs a Band-Aid," I said. A look passed between me and Fang, full of suppressed humor, relief, understanding,love - Forget I said that too. I don't know what's wrong with me. — James Patterson

Vampires didn't faint like Southern belles at the sight of blood. — Flynn Meaney

It's all life is. Just going 'round kissing people. — F Scott Fitzgerald

Aline!" Isabelle looked appalled. "You can't just go around asking people what it's like to be a vampire. — Cassandra Clare

I started rubbing my temples and she suggested I don't really get headaches. It just hurts me to think. — Kelley Armstrong

And For You Zero, A Life Sized Vudu Doll"
-Kaname Kuran
"I DONT WANT IT!"
-Zero Kiryu
"HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA"
-Juri Elizabeth Marin — Matsuri Hino

Instead of fixing the econamy, U.S. "Presedent" (recount pls) Bary Obame is back in the Ovel Office. Hes sitting on the sofa in the midle of pretty inappropriete gmail G-chat with actres Scarlet Johansen.
"OK Scarlat, thank you for emailing me so many nude photos. They were very provocetive LOL. And thank you for offer me sex intercorse " Obame type, and because its gmail G-chat, the make a 90-degree clock wise turn and anamate into a smile emoji. "Good nite. — Seinfeld 2000

If you turn into a hideous monster and I am sent to slay you, I will remember this and make it as painless as I can, out of respect for you. — Jim Butcher

I've always been a monster,' Scapegrace told her, 'but now, finally, my physical for reflects my inner darkness.'
'You smell terrible.'
'That's the smell of evil.'
'It's like rancid meat and bad eggs.'
'Evil, Scapegrace insisted. — Derek Landy

When I was younger I used to think that band-aids did all the work. I mean after all, it binds your wound together and makes everything better back to the way it was. But then I became an adult and started to fall in love,fvi and I realize that band-aids are so overrated lol. — Onee'sha Ford

A classroom . People trying to stick me in classrooms was becoming as predictable and annoying as people trying to kill me, but with less-fun results. — James Patterson

Sam's hand brushed her shoulder, and she almost jumped out of her skin as he brought his mouth close to her ear and murmured, "You look beautiful. Though I bet you already know that." She most certainly did. — Sarah J. Maas

I attacked him, he healed me, then he took me hunting, I threatened him, and he took me home. Wow. That was like a date. — Juliann Whicker

When they figure out how to bottle up orgasms and sell them as a food additive, I'll be first in line. — Nenia Campbell

Will you go out with me for a cup of coffee?" "No." "No?" "I prefer tea, thank you. — Padma Venkatraman

Not saving you from this storm, mutant," he said. "Saving you for your later fate, we are."
His voice was weirdly inflected and metallic, like an automated answering machine.
"Oh, good. Yoda captured us," Fang whispered. — James Patterson

I realize you cant just throw real gems at ppl ... because they think cubic zirconia is the real thing lol — Fee Scott

She stopped pushing but declared; Prentice, I know how this works. Sure, she seems fine now. But in fifteen years when she's standing on top of a clocktower with an automatic rifle mowing down innocent bystanders, dont't call ME asking what went wrong. — Kristen Ashley

Everyone thinks you've been kidnapped," he said. "We've been scouring the ship. When Coach Hedge finds out- oh, gods, you've been here all night?"
"Frank!" Annabeth's ears were as red as strawberries. "We just came down here to talk. We fell asleep. Accidentally. That's it."
"Kissed a couple of times," Percy said.
Annabeth glared at him. "Not helping! — Rick Riordan

They're really into it, laughing and teasing each other, and I am looking at Pam and thinking once again how she is the most beautiful creature I have ever seen and that if we were back in the olden times she might have been made into a goddess because she is so beautiful. Sometimes I cannot stop my mind. It's scary. — James Howe

We don't have dealings. He just stalks me. I'm popular like that. — Nenia Campbell

In the old legends, Arachne had gotten into trouble because of pride. She'd bragged about her tapestries being better than Athena's, which had led to Mount Olympus's first reality TV punishment program: 'So You Think You Can Weave Better Than a Goddess?' Arachne had lost in a big way. — Rick Riordan

For someone who wrote a novel with a superhero named "Dark Lightning," you wouldn't think a thunderstorm would make me so nervous. — J.M. Richards

I think that's Justin Bieber.
Standing in front of a line up of Lay's potato chips, Qhuinn looked overhead to the speaker inset into the ceiling tiles. Yup, I'm right, and I hate that I know that.
Next to him John Matthew signed, How do you know?
The little shit is everywhere.
I swear, that kid is proof the Antichrist is coming.
Maybe it's already here.
Would explain Miley Cyrus. — J.R. Ward

You were at the party on Friday night, weren't you?" I didn't mentioned I'd followed him into the woods.
He leaned back in his chair, his legs sprawled out. His boots nudged the bottom ruffle of my skirt. "Aye."
Aye? Seriously? Could he be any hotter?
Unless he had been looking for his girlfriend at the party.
Not hot.
"I was supposed to meet my cousin," he elaborated, "but I didn't find her,"
Hot again. — Alyxandra Harvey

Claire found herself staring at his feet, which were in bunny slippers.
Myrnin looked down. "What?" he asked. "They're quite comfortable." He lifted on to look at it, and the ears wobbled in the air.
"Of course they are," she said. Just when she thought Myrnin was getting his mental act together, he'd do something like that. Or maybe he was just messing with her. He liked to do that, and his dark eyes were fixed on her now, assessing just how weirded-out she was.
Which, on the grade scale of zero to Myrnin, wasn't much. — Rachel Caine

Everybody in!" I said.
Which was when we discovered the final problem.
Little Echos aren't designed to hold six, count them six, larger-than-average-sized children.
And their wings.
And a dog.
"This is like a clown car," Total grumbled front my lap in the front seat.
"Why does the dog get to sit in your lap?' Gazzy asked plaintively, as we rattled and banged down the dark streets. "How about a kid?"
"Oh. 'The dog.' Very nice," said Total.
"Because you're not allowed to have people on your lap in the front seats," I explained. "It's not safe. If a cop saw us, we'd be stopped for sure. You want Total back there?"
Everyone in the back screamed no at the same time. — James Patterson

Everyone gets tortured these days. Skulduggery by Serpine, who then turned around and did that red right hand thing at you. Then Skulduggery was tortured again by the Faceless Ones. I figured it was my turn, you know? You're not part of the team if you haven't been tortured- that's what I always say. Well, I'll be saying that from now on anyway. — Derek Landy

I found this, though," Gazzy said excitedly, holding up a small green box. "Gas-X! Like, 'X' for explosion! This is great! I'm thinking I rig this with a detonator and-"
"Did you find that in the medicine cabinet?" Dylan asked.
"Yeah."
"It's for upset stomachs," Dylan said, trying to hide a smile. He pointed to the words on the box. "It's to reduce gas in you digestive system, not to create more gas to make explosions."
Gazzy's face fell as Iggy said, "Really? Gazzy, take it! Take the whole box! — James Patterson

Shigure Sohma: So anyway I was wondering if you could stop by the house and take a look at Tohru's cut. That is if it isn't a problem.
Hatori Sohma: No problem. I'll stop by the house this evening.
Shigure Sohma: Hmmm What's this Hatori I don't think I ever heard you sound so eager to come over. Could it be you have a secret crush on Tohru
[long silence from the other end of the phone]
Shigure Sohma: [shouts] I knew it You naughty naughty man you
Hatori Sohma: No I was simply too amazed by your stupidity to say anything. — Natsuki Takaya

In my book an erection constitutes personal growth. — Amunhotep El Bey

Dayum! You know Charley's pissed when the f-bomb is flying out her mouth like it's her job to drop them. — Jacquelyn Ayres

Your name. That's all I want. I debate on whether or not I should explain to him that my name isn't going to help him in his stalking endeavours. — Colleen Hoover

I mean if there was any justice in the world you wouldn't even have to go to school during your period. You'd just stay home for five days and eat chocolate and cry. — Andrea Portes

I never thought I'd hear myself say it, but safety first! — J.K. Rowling

What a cool name. Where'd you get it?"
"I've always had it. — Marie Landry

You have terminated me," one of them said in a strange, flat voice. "But I
am one of many."
"Robots!" Iggy breathed, taking Total from Angel.
"One of many, one of many, one of many," the robot Eraser was saying. Now
Nudge saw the red light in its eyes, saw how they were fading and winking out.
"Good!" spat the Gasman, kicking it hard. "Because we like to blow stuff up,
blow stuff up, blow stuff up! — James Patterson

He nuzzled my neck, inhaling deeply. "Mmm. You smell so good."

"Oh, yeah," I said, smirking. "I call this new perfume 'Le Jungle grime et tropical BO.' "

"Dirt and sweat. Very sexy. — James Patterson

Your ... Your aura. It's ... amazing. It's shining. I mean, it always shines, but today ... Well I've never seen anything like it. I didn't expect that after everything that happened.'
I shifted around uncomfortably. If I lit up around Dimitri normally, what on earth happened to my aura post-sex? — Richelle Mead

I feel like Harry Potter just put liquid luck in my butterbeer before Quidditch practice. — Jillian Dodd

Nothing says awkward like coming in your pants while dry humping. — Jay McLean

Best to have only a few absolutely perfect trait - for example, my hair and eyes and sparkling personality - so you don't overwhelm. — Kiersten White

I woke up the Following morning with the Kings of Leon telling me that "my sex was on fire." I shut off my alarm and that's when all of the memories of the previous night came rushing back. — Kristen Middleton

Puppies are cute. I'm fierce!"
"Yeah!" Evelyn snorted. "Romas says you're as fierce as a kitten."
"A kitten?" Kiera's tone grew more hurt. "I'm not afraid of him, just because he's twelve feet tall and can bench press me with his toes. It's not nice of him to say that — Lizzy Ford

Dan moans behind me, reminding her of the problem. She straightens in fear at the sound of his voice, peers over my shoulder at the chunk of bloody beef that is Dan Sikorsky. She looks slowly from him to me. "What did you do?" I duck my head, embarrassed. "I sort of lost my temper. — Jasinda Wilder

Kyo Sohma: One of these days I'll make you say you're sorry
Yuki Sohma: looking bored I'm sorry.
Kyo Sohma: Dammit That's not what I meant Don't you have any shame
Yuki Sohma: still looking annoyed Yes I'm ashamed to be seen with you shouting in public.
Kyo Sohma: Oh that's it We're taking this outside
Yuki Sohma: still looking annoyed We ARE outside you stupid cat. — Natsuki Takaya

Kindness, motherfucker, kindness. — Don Roff

I find it funny when people try to brag about being younger than me ... like having lived less is an accomplishment. Makes me want to pat them on the head, lol. I'm comfortable with who I am. — Michelle M. Pillow

When it started to climb between my legs, my balls and its claws only separated by a thin blanket, I sincerely considered throwing it (the cat, not my member) out of the window. — John Duover

I stop stretching and face him, unwilling to back down from this visual standoff. I'm not going to let him perform his little Jedi mind tricks on me, no matter how much I wish I could perform them on him. He's completely unreadable and even more unpredictable. It pisses me off. — Colleen Hoover

You aren't a morning person, are you?" he mused.
"No, I'm not. There is a reason mornin' and mournin' sound the same. — L.A. Casey

Leo," Hazel gasped, "I can't - my arms - "
"Hazel," he said. "Do you trust me?"
"No!"
"Me neither," Leo admitted. — Rick Riordan

I sort of fell."
"Percy! Six hundred and thirty feet? — Rick Riordan

Maruman does not loll. — Isobelle Carmody

Are you two you know?" Jacob pointed at us. " Together? Together? "
I didn't get a chance to answer. Cam spun me around and kissed me, right there between the two buildings. It was no friendly peck on the lips. When our tongues touched, my bag slipped off my arm and hit the frosted ground.
"Holy crap," Jacob muttered. "I think they're going to make babies. — Jennifer L. Armentrout

Sexual reproduction and food -- humans' two favorite subjects. — Melissa Landers

Knock knock! Who's — LOL Funny Joke Club

You hate birthdays yet pee your pants over presents. There is clearly something wrong with you, Garrett joked. — Tara Sivec

Somehow she had climbed halfway up his body before he managed to grasp her waist. He plucked her off and set her on her feet.
She started to climb up his body again.
"Are you having fun?" he asked suspiciously.
"We're on the fucking moon!" she shouted. "There's nothing here!"
He stared at her. "I don't think you're having fun."
"No air!"
He shook his head. "Think about that logically. Could you have possibly said those words if there truly was no air? Of course
there's no air or atmosphere outside this bubble - "
"Ofcoursethere'snofuckingairhereorfuckingatmosphereonthefuckinggoddamnMOONyouGODDAMNFUCKINGCRAZYMORONICDJINN ... "
"Grace," he roared in her face. — Thea Harrison

I'm simpley one hell of a butler. — Sebastian Michealis

He was right. The annoying Disney song was right. The universe was too fucking small. — Nenia Campbell