Lit Humor Quotes & Sayings

Analyzing dreams is much like walking on water. There are a limited number of people who do it well. — Lois Greiman

He fits me without a flaw. At the beginning, I was apprehensive that he might swallow me whole and I'd disappear for having him. After the time spent together, I'm certain that Colton is the day to my night. And we both have the same value, power, control, individuality and independency. No one disappears. We are like an equinox. Just like the day moves into the night and then night into day, we both complete each other and build a partnership. We are two different entities co-existing superbly, letting each other be but never leaving each other's side. — Kristina Steiner

Kids are still up," David commented, noting the guest house was lit up like a Vegas casino. "I'll
have to kill them."
"Yes, I've noticed what a terrifying and brutal father you are. And how your children fear you."
He slanted her a look. "I wouldn't mind seeing the occasional tremble out of them."
"I think it's way too late for that. You've gone and raised two happy, well-adjusted kids — Nora Roberts

There aren't many things a man finds more appealing than loyalty. Unless it's a woman with really big knockers. — Lois Greiman

She rolled her eyes. "Then what happened?"
Rubbing his temples, he glanced at the door. "Bethany and I were making out and something happened that never happened before."
Dee leaned back. A look of supreme disgust clouded her pretty face. "Uh, yuck if this is about any kind of premat-"
"Oh my God, shut and listen, okay?" He dragged a hand through his hair. "we were making out, and I lost my hold on my human form. I lit up like a freaking Christmas tree. — Jennifer L. Armentrout

I was grinding away to the climactic moan backtrack when I caught my reflection in the club's mirror, hips rotating, booty shaking. Years later, Grace described my smooth moves as a sad epileptic white girl's imitation of a twerk. Harsh. Could anyone look sexy dancing to lyrics that include "Sucky, sucky. Me sucky, sucky"? I don't think so. — Leah Marie Brown

Sometimes you have to pretend to be feeling better to actually feel better. It's why new workout clothes make you feel like you want to work out. — Alice Clayton

You are a perfect woman, a magical blend of beauty, intelligence, and spirit. Without you, my life is nothing. — Lois Greiman

Dating--the socially accepted alternative to the rack. — Lois Greiman

Love may be blind, but lust is just damn stupid. — Lois Greiman

I swear, when that woman dies, she'll be deader than everybody else.~Pattiecake from Laid Out and Candle Lit — Ann Everett

When blondes have more fun, do they know it? — Lois Greiman

Waking up the next morning was torture. I dragged myself to the bathroom feeling like I'd been thrown against a brick wall. Repeatedly. By the Hulk. — K.J. McPike

Maybe knowledge is power, but it's damned hard to think a burglar to death. — Lois Greiman

Some men are warriors and some men are weenies. The trick is figuring out which is which. — Lois Greiman

You are the strangest girl I've ever met," he said, like he thought I was joking. He picked up his water bottle and gave me a sideways glance. "Have you ever kissed anybody?" he asked, and took a sip.
I smirked. "There aren't a whole lot of opportunities in the digital world. I did practice on my hand once. It didn't do anything for me."
Justin coughed on the water he was swallowing and I slapped my hand over my mouth.
"Did I just say that out loud?" I mumbled.
He was half coughing, half laughing. "Yes, you did," he managed to say.
"Delete, delete, delete," I said, and pushed an imaginary button in the air. "I really miss that feature."
"No, that's the good stuff. People always want to delete the good stuff." His eyes lit up. "That's a cool idea, though. What would you say, right now, if you could immediately delete it, so no one read it? — Katie Kacvinsky

Really! But weren't you fearfully tempted?'
'In the abstract but not in the concrete,' said Ursula. 'When it comes to the point, one isn't even tempted - oh, if I were tempted, I'd marry like a shot. I'm only tempted NOT to.' The faces of both sisters suddenly lit up with amusement. — D.H. Lawrence

If I want to catch the damn worm I get outta bed. — Lois Greiman

And what else is she?" Jerome asked. Jazza didn't offer any reply so I chimed in with, "A bitchweasel?"
"A bitchweasel!" Jazza's face lit up. "She's a bitchweasel! I love my new roommate. — Maureen Johnson

I feel like I've been ironing all day in high heels and no brassiere. ~Tizzy Donovan, Laid Out and Candle Lit — Ann Everett

People who don't get excited about receiving gifts are tired of life. — Anna Maxted

His name is Richard Bingham and he's an advertising executive at Bingham, Charles & Alexander. And yes, he is the Bingham in the title. He says, "I loved watching you eat your lunch. You really savored the flavors."
I am immediately mortified by his comment as I can only imagine what I must have looked like. I get an image in my head of a phone sex commercial for 1-800 eat-this. I grimace and beg, "Please tell me you were not watching me eat."
But he just smiles, "I couldn't take my eyes off of you. That's why I brought the desserts over. I can die a happy man if you'll just take one bite of each of them for me. — Whitney Dineen

Nevertheless, he had, on a certain star-lit evening, said wonderingly and quite reverently: Deh moon looks like hell, don't it? — Stephen Crane

What in god's name happened to your nuts?"
"They met a jet-powered water hose."
He grimaced.
"They're already healing."
A rare glint of amusement lit Lawrence's eyes. "You have balls of steel."
"You have inappropriate humour. — Dianna Hardy

Vibrizzio? You named it! Okay, this isn't even close to healthy. — Nicki Elson

If you don't like your teeth; keep your mouth shut. — Lois Greiman

A balanced diet and a brisk daily walk will help keep you healthy, but there's nothing like a good-looking young man with a nice butt to help up your cardiovascular system. — Lois Greiman

That night was a dark day. Of course, all nights are dark days, because night is simply a badly lit version of day, ... — Lemony Snicket

A woman has her needs. What good is a mother to her poor children if she's suffering from low self-esteem and sexual frustration? If you don't get laid soon, you will literally close up. More importantly, you will shrivel. And you will become bitter. — Helen Fielding

In this town, a successful marriage is one that lasts longer than ice. — Lois Greiman

There is no surer road to perdition than the ledger glands dictate your direction. — Lois Greiman

My mother named me Vivia Perpetua because she believed naming me after some long-dead, mostly forgotten saint would motivate me to spend my life collecting unused eyeglasses for the blind or doling out mosquito netting to malaria-plagued Africans. Not that there is anything wrong with those efforts, but please." Vivia in Faking It — Leah Marie Brown

He's just a flash in the pants. — Lois Greiman

You're a dumb shit. There's a million first girls for a million different first things.
There's the first girl you slow-dance with, and the first girl you go to bed with. There's the first girl to give you a kiss, and then the first one you take home to mama." His amber eyes lit up with humor.
"There's the first girl you fight with and the first girl you fight for. There's also the first girl you have to let go of. There's the first girl you love, obviously, and the first girl to break your heart.
There's always a first girl, Rowdy, but there is also the girl that is going to come after her until you get to the last girl.
The last girl is the one that really matters. — Jay Crownover

My eyelashes tickled the peephole. from Fogged Up Fairy Tale (Summer 2014) — Denise Baer

I fear that someday you will abandon the joys we share and find another not worthy of your charms. — Lois Greiman

Life has a whimsical way of kicking you in the throat. I find it to
be one huge cosmic joke at our expense, only nobody is laughing
but the forces that be - given that they are even a wee bit human. — Lori Goldson

Generally, men are superior in the areas of heavy lifting, where there's a past only by pachyderms and building cranes. Beyond that, I believe any right-thinking thinking will see that women have the indisputable advantage. — Lois Greiman

Then she declared loudly, "Smoke break!" and everyone's eyes came to us, some of them shocked seeing as these days you could light up a doobie and no one would blink but if you lit up a smoke, you courted being publicly stoned to death. — Kristen Ashley

Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly; but when they lit a fire in the craft, it sank, proving once and for all that you can't have your kayak and heat it too. — Tommy Cooper

Friends are nice. You can tell' 'em stuff, but you can swear like a gangster at an enemy. And that's all right, too. — Lois Greiman

I'd rather be pissed off then pissed on. — Lois Greiman

Then what's this?" She raised her glass of expensive wine, used it to indicate their plush surroundings.
His gaze followed her indication around the dim-lit, upmarket Italian restaurant. "Dinner in comfort."
"With a side order of persuasion?"
"More like an offer I'm hoping you can't refuse. — Monique DeVere

At 2:00 sharp on the afternoon of his internment, with his body resting in a casket in the front room of his home, the pallbearers--all bridge players--stuck a deck of cards in Mr. Hampton's cold hands, shut the lid over his head, and played bridge. — Brenda Sutton Rose

I nodded, disappointed, but then I got an idea. "Hey, Grover. You want a magic item?"
His eyes lit up. "Me?"
Pretty soon we'd laced the sneakers over his fake feet, and the world's first flying goat boy was ready for launch.
"Maia!" he shouted.
He got off the ground okay, but then fell over sideways so his backpack dragged through the grass. The winged shoes kept bucking up and down like tiny broncos.
"Practice," Chiron called after him. "You just need practice!"
"Aaaaa!" Grover went flying sideways down the hill like a possessed lawn mower, heading toward the van. — Rick Riordan

Today's problems are yesterday's mistakes coming back to bite you in the ass. — Lois Greiman

Your boyfriend smells bad, says Sarah as she sniffs the armpit of the giant sweatshirt.
All boys smell bad I say and she nods her head like we have just figured out something very important. — Amy Reed

I don't need no PMS. I can bitch under my own steam. — Lois Greiman

Lust and love. They both put a fire in your damn shorts. — Lois Greiman

I don't believe this. How can he not want to go to the Savoy? God, it's all right for top businessmen, isn't it? Free champagne, yawn, yawn. Goody bags, yet another party, yawn, how tedious and dull. — Sophie Kinsella

Just when you think you have life by the tail, it's likely to whip around and take a hunk outta your balls. — Lois Greiman

There are lots of fish in the sea. Some are sharks, some are angels, and some are bottom feeders. — Lois Greiman

She says with that misty
far-away look in her eyes. Like conjunctivitis. — Aditi Mathur Kumar

Leo's expression made him look as serious and dangerous as it was possible for a small elfin demigod to look in a little girl's overalls (a clean pair, mind you, which he'd intentionally found and put on). "I'm a son of Hephaestus, chica. I can problem-solve. This guy Lityerses tried to kill me and my friends once before. Now he's threatened Calypso? Yeah, I'll get us inside that palace. Then I'm going to find Lit and..."
"Light him up?" I suggested, surprised by pleased to find I could speak again so soon after being told to shut up. "So he's literally lit?"
Leo frowned. "I wasn't going to say that. Seemed to corny."
"When I say it," I assured him, "it's poetry. — Rick Riordan

Celibacy sucks, no pun intended. — Lois Greiman

Everything that ever gets done in this world is done by madmen, — Aldous Huxley

And besides . . . I don't want to leave you. Er, you guys."

He smiled, and it lit up his whole face. "Well, 'we' are certainly happy to hear that. Oh, and I'm also happy to watch our darling little love child dragon while you're in St. Louis."

I grinned back. — Richelle Mead

Everyone has a secret. — Kristine Cuevas

Men have two outstanding features--their brains and their genitalia. Unfortunately, both rarely function simultaneously. — Lois Greiman

I have a head for business and a body for sin. Unfortunately, the sin appears to be gluttony. — Jenny Colgan

Tiffany got up early and lit the fires. When her mother came down, she was scrubbing the kitchen floor, very hard.
"Er ... aren't you supposed to do that sort of thing by magic, dear?" said her mother, who'd never really got the hang of what witchcraft was all about.
"No, Mum, I'm supposed not to," said Tiffany, still scrubbing.
"But can't you just wave your hand and make all the dirt fly away, then?"
"The trouble is getting the magic to understand what dirt is," said Tiffany, scrubbing hard at a stain. "I heard of a witch over in Escrow who got it wrong and ended up losing the entire floor and her sandals and nearly a toe."
Mrs. Aching backed away. "I thought you just had to wave your hands about," she mumbled nervously.
"That works," said Tiffany, "but only if you wave them about on the floor with a scrubbing brush. — Terry Pratchett

Life's funny. Sometimes it's your oyster, and sometimes you're it's bitch-slapped man-whore. — Lois Greiman

I knew it," she snapped. "You're no different from all men. You're just another jerk pretending to be single! I didn't wanna wrap a lie into a Christmas present anyway. — Maha Erwin

Sometimes it's nice to have a man around the house. But a dog will clean the dishes. — Lois Greiman

He who laughs loudest has a high probability of being extremely inebriated. — Lois Greiman

I'm never going to believe a Poirot mystery again. Never. All those witnesses going, "Yes, I remember it was 3:06 p.m. exactly, because I glanced at the clock as I reached for the sugar tongs, and Lady Favisham was quite clearly sitting on the right-hand side of the fireplace."
Bollocks. They have no idea where Lady Favisham was, they just don't want to admit it in front of Poirot. I'm amazed he gets anywhere. — Sophie Kinsella

Honesty is the best policy. But insanity is a hell of a lot more effective in court. So your set, McMullen — Lois Greiman

What I have been asking myself for years is: WHY?!
Why kill yourself in the gym? Why try to avoid a little bit of a gut? Why feel bad for eating half of a cake? This doesn't mean that I killed somebody, plus I left the other half of the cake for tomorrow, I didn't finish all of it! — Sara Anzellotti

Your ... Your aura. It's ... amazing. It's shining. I mean, it always shines, but today ... Well I've never seen anything like it. I didn't expect that after everything that happened.'
I shifted around uncomfortably. If I lit up around Dimitri normally, what on earth happened to my aura post-sex? — Richelle Mead

Sometimes stupid is crime enough. — Lois Greiman

Let us talk about oxymoron, common sense, for instance. — Lois Greiman

Apparently it takes, like, forty-seven muscles to frown. Flippin' the bird' s a hell of a lot easier. — Lois Greiman

Now, Richard Pryor was unique. Many misunderstood his humor. He lit up the hallway, but they didn't understand his use of profanity. He didn't use it just to be using it; he used it in the context of his satire. — Bill Cosby

The red haired waitress arrived with their drinks, dancing about the table as she placed their orders in front of them. "Hiya, keeds. Peachy place, ain't it?" Before anyone could respond, she kicked her heels in the air and flitted off again.
Waldo lit up a cigarette and tasted his drink. "Listen, I don't think we ought to stay here very long...."
"No shit, Sherlock!" Brisbane chortled. "But first I want to have a little fun. I think I'm gonna talk to some of these guys."
The fredneck left the table and walked over to a group of five men, all of them clad in the old baseball uniforms that were apparently quite popular at The One Year Wonder And All-Around Oddity Bar. They were huddled together on one side of the bar, and Brisbane broke into their conversation with a burst of fredneck chutzpah. — Donald Jeffries

The urge to change my mind and not go at all is enormous. I'm absolutely terrified to leave on that boat. But, if I don't go, there'll be one more broken person in this world who gave up a dream to sit in a chair, pick up the TV remote and shrink. — Lexis De Rothschild

They served "Good Food" but only a G, an O and a D were lit up. Personally, I doubted God dined there. Unless God was keen on samonella poisoning and rat droppings in the hamburgers. But then again, what did I know? — Julie Kenner

Fair play is all well and good. But knowing how to kick 'em in the balls can get you out of a jam 9 times out of 10. — Lois Greiman

Luck is merely a product of the happily delusional mind. — Lois Greiman

Meg lit the gas burner, above which a pan sat in readiness. "The soup is all homemade." "Meg, it's Heinz tomato." Sanne held up the empty tin she'd spotted in the recycling pile. "To which I have added extra pepper and a spoonful of Bovril, thus rendering it homemade. — Cari Hunter

It's not as if I don't like men, I just have more respect for my washing machine. — Lois Greiman

Excuses are like butt holes everyone has 'em and they all stink. — Lois Greiman

I ain't taking no more rides on the stupid train. — Lois Greiman

Just remember this, Missy, escargot ain't nothin' but snails with their noses stuck in the air. — Lois Greiman

I've been a little cranky since that house fell on my sister. — Lois Greiman

Love is like skydiving without a parachute. — Lois Greiman

In the movie business, the ones we call Lucky are usually those idiots who are just too damn stubborn to take no for an answer. Come to think of it, the movie business is kind of like life. — Lois Greiman

If you don't scare the neighbors while copulating, I'm afraid you're doing something terribly wrong. — Lois Greiman

Fucking fuck fuck of a fuck." Shame dug in his pocket for his cigarettes and lighter. His hands shook as he lit up.
"Eloquence, thy name is Flynn," Terric said — Devon Monk

Norman picked up a sketch, glanced at it, then put it back down on the table. "I saw Bea Williamson this morning," he said in a low voice. "Lurking about looking for cut glass."
"Oh, of course," Mira said with a sigh. "Did she have it with her?"
Norman nodded solemnly. "Yep. I swear, I think it's almost gotten ... bigger."
Mira shook her head. "Not possible."
"I'm serious," Norman said. "It's way big."
I kept waiting for someone to expand on this, but since neither of them seemed about to, I asked, "What are you talking about?"
They looked at each other.
Then, Mira took a breath. "Bea Williamson's baby," she said quietly, as if someone could hear us, "has the biggest head you have ever seen."
Norman nodded, seconding this.
"A baby?" I said.
"A big-headed baby," Mira corrected me. "You should see the cranium on this kid. It's mind-boggling. — Sarah Dessen

He's an undersized pissant with delusions of adequacy. — Lois Greiman

This was Hist and Lit, after all. If you couldn't work the term "liminal" into your tutorial, you were doing it wrong. — Lauren Willig

Whoa!" I jerked my hand up to stop him. "Wait, what?" I asked as sick horror shot through me. "You mean, like when the bodies get cut open?"
Delight lit his face. "Yes, you'll be helping with the autopsies. You didn't know that? — Diana Rowland

Ambien might have mentally just tossed my salad. WITH CROUTONS. — Jen Lancaster

And thanks to Christina McMullen, who has taught me that common sense and intelligence need not have any correlation whatsoever. — Lois Greiman

Maybe in fairytales you're only as old as you feel, but here in L. A. you're every second as old as your pores. — Lois Greiman

Opportunity may only knock once, but temptation'll knock down the damn door and drag you out by the hair. — Lois Greiman

I don't care what Cosmo says about exercise improving sex. Some things aren't worth the cost. — Lois Greiman

I don't trust nobody that don't have my name tattooed on her ass, and then it's iffy. — Lois Greiman

I mean, here we are in LA. The home of celebrities. They're the local natural phenomenon. Everyone knows you come to LA to see the celebrities, like you go to Sri Lanka to see the elephants. — Sophie Kinsella

There is no feature as attractive as a well exercised intellect. — Lois Greiman