Quotes & Sayings About Life Woody Allen

I'm going to kill myself. I should go to Paris and jump off the Eiffel Tower. I'll be dead. you know, in fact, if I get the Concorde, I could be dead three hours earlier, which would be perfect. Or wait a minute. It
with the time change, I could be alive for six hours in New York but dead three hours in Paris. I could get things done, and I could also be dead. — Woody Allen

Life is short. Short, and not about anything except what you can touch and what touches you. — Woody Allen

If you can delude yourself by believing that there is some kind of Santa Claus out there who is going to bail you out in the end, then it will help you get through. Even if you are proven wrong in the end, you would have had a better life [than a non-believer]. — Woody Allen

My one regret in life is that I am not someone else. — Woody Allen

Life is horrible, but it is not relentlessly black from wire to wire. You can sit down and hear a Mozart symphony, or you can watch the Marx Brothers, and this will give you a pleasant escape for a while. And that is about the best that you can do. — Woody Allen

In real life, Keaton believes in God. But she also believes that the radio works because there are tiny people inside it. — Woody Allen

The only thing that does change, to some degree, is [that] you have some life experiences, you suffer a certain amount and you incorporate that into your work. Not in the content of your work, but in the sensibility of your work. It's nothing that you try and do; it just happens. And if you're lucky, people buy tickets to see it, and if you're not lucky, [then] they don't like it. But that's all. — Woody Allen

A part of me looks at life from a dismal perspective, not unlike Woody Allen and Larry David. But I don't want to look at life like that. It's bad enough that I have to think it. What works for me is writing against that view. There is God, there is love, there is greatness, there is a plan, and there is beauty. — Corbin Bernsen

If 90% of success in life is showing up, the other 10% depends on what you're showing up for. — Woody Allen

Showing up is 80 percent of life. — Woody Allen

I've often felt that life is a hard deal and it's unrelentingly tragic and an uphill fight. — Woody Allen

Geez, I should stop ruining my life searching for answers I'm never gonna get, and just enjoy it while it lasts. — Woody Allen

It's cruel to bring life into this terrible world. — Woody Allen

If I just got up in the morning and had no place to go and was retired or something, I would sit there and I would be thinking, "Gee, what is the purpose of life? Why are we all finite? Why do we get old and die? Is there nothing out there? Why is it so tragic? Why do our loved ones perish? Why do we generate?" So who wants to think about that stuff? — Woody Allen

This is my perspective and has always been my perspective on life: I have a very grim, pessimistic view of it. I always have, since I was a little boy. It hasn't gotten worse with age or anything. I do feel that it's a grim, painful, nightmarish, meaningless experience, and that the only way that you can be happy is if you tell yourself some lies and deceive yourself. — Woody Allen

If you want to make God laugh, tell him about your plans. — Woody Allen

I sold my memoirs of my love life to Parker Brothers and they are going to make a game out of it. — Woody Allen

The best things in life are censored. — Woody Allen

I recently turned 60. Practically a third of my life is over. — Woody Allen

Ninety percent of life is just showing up. — Woody Allen

If I had my choice in life I would have had the gifts of Tennessee Williams or Eugene O'Neill. Unfortunately my gifts lie in comedy and so comedy comes fairly easy to me and I occasionally have an idea for a very serious piece and I do it, but the ideas don't come that readily to me. — Woody Allen

It was a pity that movies and live TV left New York for Hollywood. London theater, movies, television - until (Britain's) money ran out - were always better than ours since the city was the political capital of the country, as well as the artistic and literary one. In L.A. we've always been slightly sealed off from real life. It's no accident that two of our most interesting directors, Woody Allen and Bob Altman, are more or less settled in the real world. — Gore Vidal

You can't control life. It doesn't wind up perfectly. Only-only art you can control. Art and masturbation. Two areas in which I am an absolute expert. — Woody Allen

I've had a very productive life. I've worked very hard, I've never fallen prey to depression. I'm not sure I could have done all of that without being in psychoanalysis. — Woody Allen

The whole thrust of science and the medical profession is to try and prevent it from happening, to try to prolong life, to keep you from dying, to keep you from getting older, to rejuvenate you. I mean, that's everybody's wish. The fountain of youth is everybody's sought-after thing. — Woody Allen

How do you thank someone like Woody Allen or Milan Kundera - when they have shared ideas with you that are no less than life-saving, when they have given you some of your happiest moments, sharing what they have learned like a parent or a friend? Do you hunt them down and shake their hand? Do you ask for their autograph? Would that even the balance? And how do you thank Orson Welles or Oscar Wilde - people who are no longer with us? There is only one way to show your gratitude, and that is to give their precious gift back, return it the way you received it: write. — Anthony Marais

In my next life I want to live backwards. Start out dead and finish off as an orgasm. — Woody Allen

All i have in my life is my imagination — Woody Allen

You can be distracted by your love life, by the baseball game, movies, by the nonsense. "Can I get my kid into this private school? Can I get this girl to go out with me Saturday night? Am I going to get the promotion in my office?" All this stuff, but in the end the universe burns out. So I think it's completely meaningless. — Woody Allen

There are worse things in life than death. Have you ever spent an evening with an insurance salesman? — Woody Allen

I'm not afraid of death; I just don't want to be there when it happens. — Woody Allen

90% of success in life is showing up — Woody Allen

I don't want to achieve immortality through my work; I want to achieve immortality through not dying. I don't want to live on in the hearts of my countrymen; I want to live on in my apartment. — Woody Allen

I believe people ought to mate for life ... like pigeons or Catholics. — Woody Allen

Life is a tragedy filled with suffering and despair and yet some people do manage to avoid jury duty. — Woody Allen

The meaning of life is that nobody knows the meaning of life. — Woody Allen

Life is divided into the horrible and the miserable. — Woody Allen

Honey! Bring down a copy of my will - and an eraser! — Woody Allen

Life doesn't imitate art, it imitates bad television. — Woody Allen

Life is full of misery, loneliness, and suffering - and it's all over much too soon. — Woody Allen

Eternal life is great if you have the clothes for it. — Woody Allen

The great question of philosophy remains: If life is meaningless, what can be done about alphabet soup? — Woody Allen

I'm very old-fashioned. I believe that people should stay married for life, like pigeons and Catholics. — Woody Allen

Kugelmass, unaware of this catastrophe, had his own problems. He had not been thrust into Portnoy's Complaint, or into any other novel, for that matter. He had been projected into an old textbook, Remedial Spanish, and was running for his life over a barren, rocky terrain as the word tener ("to have") - a large and hairy irregular verb - raced after him on its spindly legs. — Woody Allen

If I had my life to live over, I wish I could be a great pianist or something. — Woody Allen

Woody Allen once said that 'I don't want to achieve immortality through my work. I want to achieve it through not dying.' This is certainly a very wise wish! Whoever grasped the triviality of anything besides the existence is a wise man indeed! There is no substitute for life! — Mehmet Murat Ildan

You know how you're always trying to get things to come out perfect in art because it's real difficult in life — Woody Allen

I don't like to meet the actor and have a lot of conferences and talk about their sub-life and their off-screen life and their back stories and all that nonsense, because it never means anything. — Woody Allen

Nietzsche says that we will live the same life, over and over again. God - I'll have to sit through the Ice Capades again. — Woody Allen

It's important to control yourself because life gets too complicated if you don't, but the impulse is often there for people. Some say society should be more open. That doesn't work either. — Woody Allen

[ ... ] I've come to the conclusion that the artist can not justify life or come up with a cogent reason as to why life is meaningful, but the artist can provide you with a cold glass of water on a hot day. — Woody Allen

In my next life I want to live my life backwards. You start out dead and get that out of the way. Then you wake up in an old people's home feeling better every day. You get kicked out for being too healthy, go collect your pension, and then when you start work, you get a gold watch and a party on your first day. You work for 40 years until you're young enough to enjoy your retirement. You party, drink alcohol, and are generally promiscuous, then you are ready for high school. You then go to primary school, you become a kid, you play. You have no responsibilities, you become a baby until you are born. And then you spend your last 9 months floating in luxurious spa-like conditions with central heating and room service on tap, larger quarters every day and then Voila! You finish off as an orgasm! — Woody Allen

I'm a nice person! I have healthy life drives and goals! I don't drink, I don't smoke. I would never force myself sexually on a blind person! — Woody Allen

You're still in love' 'No I'm not, I'm not She'll always be a part of me, and she's an important person in my life but for the two of us something wasn't working.' 'What element?' 'We never found out — Woody Allen

Why not? Life is short, life is dull, life is full of pain - and this is a chance for something special. — Woody Allen

Everyone wants to get out of living where they're living now, because life is a pretty tough proposition and not much fun. But when you think back to earlier times, you only extrapolate the nice things. — Woody Allen

Life is tough and it's tough whether you're famous or not famous. And in the end it's probably better to be famous because the perks are better. You get better seats at the basketball game, and you get better tables and reservations places. If I call a doctor on Saturday morning I can get him. There's a lot of things, indulgences that you don't get, if you're not famous. Now I'm not saying it's fair. But I can't say that I don't enjoy it. — Woody Allen

You'll find as you go through life that great depth and smoldering sensuality don't always win. — Woody Allen

You can't work at a relationship; you can't control it. You have to be lucky and go through your life. If you are not lucky you have to be prepared for some degree of suffering. That's why most relationships are very difficult and have some degree of pain. People stay together because of inertia, they don't have the energy. Because they are frightened of being lonely, or they have children. — Woody Allen

I like the rain. It washes memories off the sidewalk of life. — Woody Allen

Talent is luck. The important thing in life is courage. — Woody Allen

While we're waiting for a cab I'll give you your lesson for today. Don't listen to what your teachers tell ya, you know. Don't pay attention. Just, just see what they look like and that's how you'll know what life is really gonna be like. — Woody Allen

Life is unresolved, confusing, bewildering, puzzling, ambiguous. You don't really know what's going to happen. The future is uncertain for everybody. — Woody Allen

I'm trying to arrange my life so I don't have to be present. — Woody Allen

Life is full of moments that are good - winning a lottery, seeing a beautiful woman, a great dinner - but the whole thing is tragic. It's an oasis that is very pleasant. — Woody Allen

There is no justice, there is no rational structure to it [life]. That is just the way it is, and each person figures out some way to cope with it ... — Woody Allen

Showing up is 80% of life. — Woody Allen

My heart says one thing. My head says another. Very hard to get your heart and head together in life. — Woody Allen

People say that death is a part of life and there must be something to it, but I just see it as bad news and I want everybody to stop sugarcoating it. — Woody Allen

I think, on both sides of the camera or the novel: Distraction. I'm obsessed with: Can I get this actress or my third act to work? I'm distracted. I'm interested in that so I don't sit home and think, "Gee, life is meaningless. We're all going to die. The universe is pulling apart at breakneck speed." — Woody Allen

Error, no keyboard. Press F1 to continue. — Woody Allen

All my life is passing in front of my eyes. The worst part of it is I'm driving a used car. — Woody Allen

I'm at the stage of life when if a girl says no to me I'm profoundly grateful to her. — Woody Allen

Life is hard for insects. And don't think mice are having any fun either. — Woody Allen

You know what my philosophy of life is? That it's important to have some laughs, but you got to suffer a little too, because otherwise you miss the whole point to life. — Woody Allen

I don't know the question, but sex is definitely the answer. — Woody Allen

There is always the possibility that people will change. Real change is more rare. You are who you are at a certain age in life you are pretty much a variation of that your whole life. It?s conceivable that you will change but it's not likely. — Woody Allen

Everything in life turns out to be a distraction from the real thing you want to do. There are a million distractions and when I was a kid I was very disciplined. I knew that the other kids weren't. I was the one able to do the thing, not because I had more talent, maybe less, but because they simply weren't applying themselves. — Woody Allen

Woody Allen once said: "You know there must be intelligent life in space. The question is do they have good Chinese restaurants and do they deliver?" Which is really a joke, but it is also a very profound remark. When you say do they have good Chinese restaurants, what you're really saying is, "How much are they like us?" And when you say, "Do they deliver?" you're saying, "Can they get here?" Both of which are profound questions. And at the present, we have no answers. — Gene Wolfe

I can't with any conscience argue for New York with anyone. It's like Calcutta. But I love the city in an emotional, irrational way, like loving your mother or your father even though they're a drunk or a thief. I've loved the city my whole life - to me, it's like a great woman. — Woody Allen

In real life I'm not the character I play in my films. I'm reasonably competent, I work very hard, I'm disciplined, I lead a very middle class life. I work in the mornings, I have lunch, I practise my clarinet, I go to the movies, I eat out in restaurants or watch ball games on television or at the ball games. — Woody Allen

Does art imitate life, or does life imitate TV? — Woody Allen

I've never felt Truth was Beauty. Never. I've always felt that people can't take too much reality. I like being in Ingmar Bergman's world. Or in Louis Armstrong's world. Or in the world of the New York Knicks. Because it's not this world. You spend your whole life searching for a way out. You just get an overdose of reality, you know, and it's a terrible thing. I'm always fighting against reality. — Woody Allen

I didn't believe in reincarnation in my past life, and I still don't. — Woody Allen

Years ago I was on television having a discussion with Billy Graham about atheism. He was saying, even if you're right and I'm wrong, and there's nothing after, I will have had a better life than you, because I do believe there was something. And I couldn't argue with that, even though I wanted to. — Woody Allen

I read in self-defense. — Woody Allen

Life's hard, then you die. — Woody Allen

The important thing, I think, is not to be bitter. You know, if it turns out that there is a God, I don't think that he's evil. I think that the worst thing you could say about him is that basically he's an underachiever. After all, you know, there are worse things in life than death. — Woody Allen

There are drawbacks in being famous too, but you can live with those. They're not life-threatening. If the paparazzi are outside your restaurant or your house - and actors make such a big thing of it and scurry into cars and drape things - you think they're going to be crucified or something. It's not a big deal. You can get used to that. It's not so terrible. — Woody Allen

Woody Allen said that 95% of history is explained as a man trying to impress a woman. And that's true in my life. — Mitt Romney

Early in life, I was visited by the bluebird of anxiety — Woody Allen

Everybody knows how awful the world is and each person distorts it in a certain way that enables him to get through. Some people distort it with religious things, others with sports, money, love, art, and they all have their own nonsense about what makes it meaningful, and all but nothing makes it meaningful. These things definitely serve a certain function, but in the end they all fail to give life meaning and everyone goes to his grave in a meaningless way. — Woody Allen

Real life is generally much duller and inevitably sadder, most of the time. In film, you control everything that's going on, so you can indulge the most fantastic, romantic, escapist feelings and fantasies. You can do anything you want. That's why it's very seductive and pleasurable to earn your living making movies because you're not living in the real world. — Woody Allen

Life is like a concentration camp ... you can't leave without dying. — Woody Allen

The food in this place is really terrible. Yes, and such small portions. That's essentially how I feel about life. — Woody Allen

What if the worst is true? What if there's no God, and you only go around once, and that's it? Don't you want to be a part of the experience? You know, what the hell? It's not all a drag, and I'm thinking to myself: Geez! I should stop ruining my life searching for answers I'm never gonna get and just enjoy it while it lasts. And, you know, after
who knows? Maybe there is something, nobody really knows. I know that maybe is a very slim reed to hang your whole life on, but that's the best we have. — Woody Allen

Money is better than poverty, if only for financial reasons. — Woody Allen

For some reason it gives people pleasure to equate the life of certain movie actors or actresses with their actual lives. — Woody Allen

I think [aging] has nothing to recommend it. You don't gain any wisdom as the years go by. You fall apart, is what happens. People try and put a nice varnish on it, and say, well, you mellow. You come to understand life and accept things. But you'd trade all of that for being 35 again. — Woody Allen

I feel that life is divided into the horrible and the miserable. That's the two categories. The horrible are like, I don't know, terminal cases, you know, and blind people, crippled. I don't know how they get through life. It's amazing to me. And the miserable is everyone else. So you should be thankful that you're miserable, because that's very lucky, to be miserable. — Woody Allen