Letterman Quotes & Sayings

Here in New York City you can now walk around smoking weed and all they will do if they see you is write you a ticket. Unfortunately, the ticket will be to a Jets game. — David Letterman

New Republican Presidential candidate Jon Huntsman is fluent in Chinese. In a short period of time the Republicans have come quite a long way. The last Republican president wasn't even fluent in English. — David Letterman

I'm so excited for my son. On Christmas morning I want to see his face, to be there when he opens the gifts. I want the see what my assistants got him for Christmas. — David Letterman

George W. said he doesn't watch television. And, of course, well - the reason for that is the Clintons stole the White House satellite system. — David Letterman

Over the weekend, John Kerry - the big John Kerry juggernaut moves on - he won primaries in Washington D.C., Nevada and, I think, Canada. And he's so confident that he's started nailing that intern again. — David Letterman

President Bush has been silent on Schwarzenegger. Of course, he can't pronounce Schwarzenegger. — David Letterman

We can go steady and you can wear my letterman jacket."
"Ooooh, maybe," she said playfully. "What letter is on it?"
"No letter, just a picture of a cock."
She snorted. "Of course there is."
"It's a rooster, you pervert."
She eyed me dryly. "Oh yeah? Why a rooster?"
"It symbolizes my cock. Can't love me without loving cock. — Karina Halle

Conan O'Brien has talked about how comedians try to emulate their heroes, fall short, and end up doing their own thing. Johnny Carson tried to be Jack Benny but ended up Johnny Carson. David Letterman tried to copy Johnny Carson but ended up David Letterman. And Conan O'Brien tried to be David Letterman but ended up Conan O'Brien. In O'Brien's words, "It is our failure to become our perceived ideal that ultimately defines us and makes us unique." Thank goodness. — Austin Kleon

According to a new survey, people who get divorced die early. People who stay married live longer. The difference is they just wish they were dead. — David Letterman

Simply being a guest on David Letterman's show has been a highlight of my career. I never dreamed that I would follow in his footsteps, though everyone in late night follows Dave's lead. I'm thrilled and grateful that CBS chose me. Now, if you'll excuse me, I have to go grind a gap in my front teeth. — Stephen Colbert

My manager's biggest dream is for me to be on Letterman. She says, 'Oh, Maggie, will you promise me you'll be on 'Letterman?' What can I say? I just tell her I can't promise, but I'll try my best. — Maggie Q

My retirement plan was in place but Bernie Maidoff with my money. — David Letterman

Last night, President Bush gave a prime-time press conference. It was such a big deal that Fox decided to preempt American Idol. Which made sense to me, you don't want too many amateurs on in one night. — David Letterman

The White House has now put together a website for kids. It's a website to teach kids how to manage a budget responsibly. The website is called ' Irony.gov. ' — David Letterman

The United States has launched airstrikes against ISIS. It's being called 'Operation Approval Ratings.' — David Letterman

Interesting survey in the current Journal of Abnormal Psychology: New York
City has a higher percentage of people you shouldn't make any sudden moves
around than any other city in the world. — David Letterman

How about this John Kerry controversy? So he's out there in California, tells some kind of joke and it backfires. He's saying he botched the joke ... This guy can lose elections he's not even in. — David Letterman

Barack Obama is putting his team together to take over the Administration. So far, he's got his mother-in-law, who is going to be living with him, and they are talking about Hillary for Secretary of State. You have your mother-in-law and Hillary Clinton. Sounds like smooth sailing to me. — David Letterman

I'm worried about John Kerry, he's so confident now that he's already planning his White House sex scandal. — David Letterman

As you know now, Rush Limbaugh is the new face of the Republican Party, but they'll probably go with a different body. — David Letterman

I wouldn't totally rule out doing Letterman or the Tonight Show if I had a set that I just happened to write that I thought was funny but was still appropriate for network censors. But I'm not going to go out of my way. — Joe Rogan

I watch Jay. I watch 'Letterman'. I flip back and forth between 'Conan' and 'Letterman', especially the top of the show for those guys. — Wanda Sykes

People are kind of upset with British Petroleum CEO Tony Hayward. Over the weekend, he was out on his yacht. And when President Obama found out that Tony Hayward was on his yacht, he was so angry, he missed a putt. — David Letterman

Today is Veterans Day. Thank you to all our men and women who have served the United States armed forces. In honor of Veterans Day we are marching out a few jokes that have already served. — David Letterman

Fine art and pizza delivery: what we do falls neatly in between. — David Letterman

Last night the United States dropped four 2,000 pound bombs on Saddam Hussein. I don't know anything about explosives, but, my God, do those things even need to explode? — David Letterman

President Obama is sending troops back to Iraq. He said, 'Don't worry, we should not be there any longer than a Kardashian marriage.' — David Letterman

Osama bin Laden was living in that compound with three wives. It's like he was Newt Gingrich. — David Letterman

Cookies at both of them. The cookies are probably better at Letterman though. — Jim Gaffigan

I heard this today and I thought this was fascinating and interesting. President Bush has two daughters, two beautiful daughters, and they may work on their father's presidential campaign after they get out of college and I thought, well, that's a pretty good move because in this economy, they won't be able to find real jobs. — David Letterman

It turns out that President Obama has acid reflux. He had a sore throat, went to the hospital, and they diagnosed it as acid reflux. Talk about irony
it's not covered by Obamacare. — David Letterman

Once you're president, you can't go anywhere without causing trouble. President Obama shows up in China, he's chewing gum, they go crazy. A big stink because the president's chewing gum. And you think, the Chinese are so easygoing about human rights. What's the problem? — David Letterman

Everyone has a purpose in life. Perhaps yours is watching television. — David Letterman

Valentine's Day money-saving tips: Break up on February 13th, get back together on the 15th. In place of bubble bath, use lavender-scented dish-washing liquid. Forget rose petals. Sprinkle the bed with sliced beets! — David Letterman

I pulled a hamstring during the New York City Marathon. An hour into the race, I jumped off the couch ... — David Letterman

Let's stop for a moment to admire the rotating pies. — David Letterman

I was a big TV kid.When I was a kid, I would go home at 3:00 and watch TV straight through to the end of Letterman at 1:30 in the morning.I was obsessed with comics.And I would watch Jerry Seinfeld and Jay Leno and study them as if it was Tolstoy. — Judd Apatow

It's the first day of spring. That means this weekend I'll take down my Christmas lights. — David Letterman

Don't use your bedroom for work, unless you're a prostitute. — David Letterman

John Kerry had surgery on his right shoulder this week to repair some damage. It was pretty bad, he had no feeling. It was almost like he was a Republican. — David Letterman

If a handful of people look at the making of the film and realize, "Oh, my god!" It was so complicated. It was like doing quantum physics calculations every day while you're telling a joke. It was so insane! So, they can feel my pain. — Rob Letterman

Don't worry about me. I plan to continue to be in show business. I have already been booked to be in a production of 'The Sunshine Boys' with Jay Leno. — David Letterman

Wherever we've travelled in this great land of ours, we've found that people everywhere are about 90% water. — David Letterman

President Obama is sending a couple hundred troops to Iraq. We spent six years trying to figure a way to get out of Iraq. And now we're back. But this time there is an exit strategy. Barack Obama has an exit strategy. In 2016, he's gone. — David Letterman

They're saying now that Rick Santorum is gaining momentum because he's not Romney. And Mitt Romney was furious. He replied, 'Well, I can do that. — David Letterman

So you're okay with me being your boyfriend? I'll treat you real nice. We can go steady and you can wear my letterman jacket." "Ooooh maybe," she said playfully. "What letter is on it?" "No letter, just a picture of a cock." She snorted. "Of course there is." "It's a rooster, you pervert." She eyed me dryly. "Oh yeah? Why a rooster?" "It symbolizes my cock. Can't love me without loving my cock. — Karina Halle

Now in Utah if you get the death sentence, they have the firing squad. In Russia, they call that early retirement. — David Letterman

Donald Trump had a university. Well, the state attorney general decided that the Donald Trump University was an unlicensed sham. And I thought, you know you're at a bad university when your commencement speaker is Whitey Bulger. — David Letterman

Good luck finding a place to park in New York City. And when you do, good luck figuring out the parking signs, restrictions, and prohibitions. It is so complicated. It has gotten so bad, I never park my car without a lawyer. — David Letterman

Martha Stewart is getting out of prison so today the terror alert was raised from orange to pesto. — David Letterman

Al Gore has endorsed Howard Dean for president. That's pretty fitting, the guy that didn't beat Bush endorsing the guy who won't beat Bush. — David Letterman

I have found that the only thing that does bring you happiness is doing something good for somebody who is incapable of doing it for themselves. — David Letterman

Two creative spirits in a relationship, I don't think that's the best way to go. — David Letterman

And Conan O'Brien tried to be David Letterman but ended up Conan O'Brien. In O'Brien's words, It is our failure to become our perceived ideal that ultimately defines us and makes us unique. — Austin Kleon

I was always the class clown; I made my family laugh, and that was when I was always happiest. I grew up listening to stand-up comedians' albums and watching them on TV, on 'The Tonight Show' and Letterman. — Sarah Silverman

Let's have some wine, go upstairs, and look at my money. — David Letterman

CBS is proud to have been the home of David Letterman since 1993. He is truly one of the great talents of our time, and we hope things work out. — Leslie Moonves

Donald Trump is on the show tonight. Donald is a big man, I think 230 pounds
235 with cologne. — David Letterman

I believe I have voted for both Democrats and Republicans. Am I either one? Absolutely not. Ladies and gentlemen, I am an American. — David Letterman

No one knows if Saddam is still alive. They keep showing old footage of him on TV saying that it's live. You know, it's like the same thing we do with Dick Cheney. — David Letterman

You have Kim Jong Il, and you have his brother, Menta Lee Il. — David Letterman

Sarah Palin's book is big, 400 pages. She wrote the book herself and agonized over every word, and so will you. — David Letterman

You're not really drinking coffee unless you drink it black, don't you think? Oh, no? You like to monkey with it? — David Letterman

Happy birthday to evil North Korean dictator Kim Jong Un. He gathered family and friends together and celebrated by executing a few close friends. — David Letterman

Did you hear what the Republicans have said about Hillary Clinton? They say she's too angry to be president. Hillary Clinton, Senator Hillary Clinton, too angry to be president. When she heard this, Hillary said, 'Oh yeah? I'll rip your throats out, you bastards.' — David Letterman

I have nothing against the North Koreans but this Kim Jong Un has got a screw loose. A member of his cabinet, his security minister, nods off, falls sleep. We've all done it. Kim Jong Un takes the guy out and has him executed, just for just falling asleep. Oh, and he was also deflating footballs. — David Letterman

Bill Clinton has a brand new book coming out in a few months and the Democrats are worried that the Clinton book might upstage the Kerry campaign. I'm thinking, hell, day-old meat loaf could upstage that campaign. — David Letterman

I don't mind being accused of being a bad comedian and I don't even mind being accused of being a bad talk-show host, but I never want to be accused of being an arrogant, pompous showbiz asshole. — David Letterman

I got a call from my mom today, she says, 'Well, David, I see you didn't get the 'Tonight Show' again,' — David Letterman

Have you seen these Republican presidential candidates? I bet Obama is sorry now that he spent all that money on the new birth certificate. — David Letterman

I knew that if I woke up hung over, I couldn't do the best possible job on the show, so I had to quit. Also, I'd consumed a lot of beer for a lot of years, and I thought, That's enough. I've had my fun and I'm glad I quit. — David Letterman

We make a lot of fun at President Clinton's expense. But this transition is going to be tough because it's been 25 years since this guy has gotten laid in the private sector. — David Letterman

I've been invited to appear on Letterman, but they wanted me to talk about a funny videotape of Congress. 'Bring us your outtakes!' That's not our job. — Brian Lamb

Tim Tebow may be back in the NFL with the Philadelphia Eagles. As you remember, he was thrown out of the league when he landed his gyrocopter on the White House lawn. — David Letterman

Our guest tonight is Michelle Obama, first lady of the United States. She's here to announce her run for president. — David Letterman

Someone did a study of the three most-often-heard phrases in New York City. One is "Hey taxi." Two is "What train do I take to get to Bloomingdales?" And three is "Don't worry, it's only a flesh wound. — David Letterman

Them bats is smart. They use radar! — David Letterman

You know what I love best about baseball? The pine tar, the resin, the grass, the dirt - and that's just in the hot-dogs. — David Letterman

Going on Letterman is like going off the high dive. It's exhilarating, but after a while it wasn't the kind of thrill I enjoyed. — Lynda Barry

Has the mathematical abilities of a Clydesdale. — David Letterman

Tim Tebow has been on the bench longer than Ruth Bader Ginsburg. — David Letterman

Halloween is the beginning of the holiday shopping season. That's for women. The beginning of the holiday shopping season for men is Christmas Eve. — David Letterman

'The David Letterman Show' is a show of comedy. — Jesse Ventura

Now how about this, ladies and gentlemen? The Governor of Alaska, Sarah Palin, has announced she is stepping down. She will no longer be the Governor of Alaska. First thing, she woke up and went out on her porch and waved goodbye to Russia. — David Letterman

Are you excited about the recall election? Arnold's campaign has a new slogan: 'Win one for the groper.' — David Letterman

The best visual effects are when you shoot as much of what you can in camera. And it's really good for the actor's performance to have something real. — Rob Letterman

Sarah Palin, part-time Governor of Alaska, is angry because Michele Obama is encouraging kids to eat healthy. Sarah Palin believes the government shouldn't tell us what to do. Sarah Palin believes she should tell us what to do. — David Letterman

When I was a comic in the 1980s, I was on the road somewhere every day, and I'd get back to the hotel, and it was Carson and Letterman, and I looked forward to that all day. — Jerry Seinfeld

Night clubs scare me. They're dark and they stink and they're dangerous and everybody's drunk. — David Letterman

You know who's also joining the Wall Street protesters? Kanye West. That's a real good idea
a guy with diamonds in his teeth protesting greed. — David Letterman

Yeah, I screamed in [Daniel Radcliffe's] face. We were both doing Letterman. I grabbed him by the shoulder. Of course, I'm in 6-inch heels. That makes me 6-foot-4. I'm towering over him, saying, 'I love Harry Potter!' His security people were nodding to each other - should we go? — Jennifer Lawrence

Bill Clinton may in fact be moving back into the White House. And coincidentally I'm thinking about moving back into my mother's house. — David Letterman

I have a great career, and no matter what I am doing, a big blockbuster movie ... or my small documentary, David Letterman will call and say I would like you to sit on my couch. — Rosie Perez

Finally we got some good news about the economy. Barack Obama got $800 billion to rescue the economy. All I can say is, 'Thank you, Oprah.' — David Letterman

This Osama bin Laden, now they say he has had plastic surgery. They say he sneaked across the border into Pakistan, which by the way is the place to go to have plastic surgery. He looks great. A tourist came up to him earlier this week and said, 'May I have your autograph, Mr. Hasselhoff?' — David Letterman

I have talents aplenty. Unfortunately, precious few of them have any redeeming social value. — David Letterman

Here's what the kids get. They get free McDonald's and Kentucky Fried Chicken for a year, and 52 six-packs of Pepsi. And I'm thinking, well, actually, it might be healthier if they were taking steroids. — David Letterman

You folks feeling the economic pinch? Are you a little fed up with the economic news? It's bad. The department stores, this holiday season, no Santa Claus. They're laying off department-store Santa Clauses. So more bad news for John McCain. — David Letterman

The White House is saying Donald Trump has 'zero percent chance' of being elected. Isn't that a little high? — David Letterman

Well, we're just a couple of weeks from new President Barack Obama being sworn in. And he's been very busy naming a lot of cabinet positions. And today he announced that he wants the surgeon general to be TV Dr. Sanjay Gupta. That was the kid on 'American Idol,' wasn't it? — David Letterman