Lebowitz Quotes & Sayings

I woke up at five o'clock in the morning with the whole first paragraph in my head. Now, this just shows what a slothful person I am: I tried to go back to sleep. — Fran Lebowitz

The Italians are the most civilized people. And they're very warm. Basically, they're Jews with great architecture. — Fran Lebowitz

The French probably invented the very notion of discretion. It's not that they feel that what you don't know won't hurt you; they feel that what you don't know won't hurt them. To the French lying is simply talking. — Fran Lebowitz

It is imperative when flying coach that you restrain any tendency toward the vividly imaginative. For although it may momentarily appear to be the case, it is not at all likely that the cabin is entirely inhabited by crying babies smoking inexpensive domestic cigars. — Fran Lebowitz

It's very disheartening to encounter a fearful twenty-one year old. They haven't earned the right to be that afraid. It's not like we're living in war-torn Bosnia or something. — Fran Lebowitz

I don't like to read nonfiction. To me, fact is something I can look up. — Fran Lebowitz

There's no equivalent to Mozart in writing. — Fran Lebowitz

People who get married because they're in love make a ridiculous mistake. It makes much more sense to marry your best friend. You like your best friend more than anyone you're ever going to be in love with. You dont choose your best friend because they have a cute nose. — Fran Lebowitz

Women who insist upon having the same options as men would do well to consider the option of being the strong, silent type — Fran Lebowitz

Do not approach with anything even resembling assurance a restaurant that moves. — Fran Lebowitz

Communism requires of its adherents that they arise early and participate in a strenuous round of calisthenics. To someone who wishes that cigarettes came already lit the thought of such exertion at an hour when decent people are just nodding off is thoroughly abhorrent. — Fran Lebowitz

Ever since I was a little child, I refused to see movies of books that I loved. Because you already know what Heidi looks like and she doesn't look like Shirley Temple. — Fran Lebowitz

To put it rather bluntly, I am not the type who wants to go back to the land; I am the type who wants to go back to the hotel. — Fran Lebowitz

Contrary to popular opinion, the hustle is not a new dance step - it is an old business procedure. — Fran Lebowitz

I have always preferred the company of older people. No one in the history of the world has had less interest in the young than I do. I am not interested in what young people are thinking. They're thinking less than old people, of course. I mean, what could they be thinking? And what are they doing? They're doing the same stupid things you did. — Fran Lebowitz

I have the exact opposite problem of every writer I've ever met: Every writer I've ever met writes things that are too long, and they have to edit them down. — Fran Lebowitz

London: A place you go to get bronchitis. — Fran Lebowitz

I've never had the experience of being edited and never will. — Fran Lebowitz

I am not the type of person who wants to go back to the land I am the type who wants to got back to the hotel. — Fran Lebowitz

It's much easier to write a solemn book than a funny book. It's harder to make people laugh than it is to make them cry. People are always on the verge of tears. — Fran Lebowitz

Writing is so hard. Why would you be a writer if you weren't really good at it? If you could be anything else, why would you be a writer? — Fran Lebowitz

I have a real aversion to machines. I write with a pen. Then I read it to someone who writes it onto the computer. What are those computer letters made of anyway? Light? Too insubstantial. Paper, you can feel it. A pen. There's a connection. A pen goes exactly at your speed, whereas that machine jumps. And then, that machine is waiting for you, just humming uh-huh, yes? — Fran Lebowitz

Children do not really need money. After all, they don't have to pay rent or send mailgrams. — Fran Lebowitz

Democracy is an interesting, even laudable, notion and there is no question but that when compared to Communism, which is too dull, or Fascism, which is too exciting, it emerges as the most palatable form of government. — Fran Lebowitz

Life was certainly more entertaining when people were indulging their vices as opposed to going to meetings to indulge in a new vice: discussing their innermost thoughts in public. — Fran Lebowitz

People always say "pop culture." As if we have some high culture to distinguish it from. — Fran Lebowitz

There are some short essays that are very grave, and most contemporary novels are lighter than air. — Fran Lebowitz

Writers get exactly the right amount of fame: just enough to get a good table in a restaurant but not enough so that people are constantly interrupting you while you're eating dinner. — Fran Lebowitz

I could not possibly be in a relationship now for more than six days. When I was younger, I might have said six months, although I think the longest relationship I was ever in was three years. — Fran Lebowitz

Communists all seem to wear small caps, a look I consider better suited to tubes of toothpaste than to people. — Fran Lebowitz

White grapes are very attractive but when it comes to dessert people generally like cake with icing. — Fran Lebowitz

Being offended is a natural consequence of leaving the house. — Fran Lebowitz

I am alternately very gregarious - very sociable - and then very solitary. — Fran Lebowitz

There's too much democracy in the culture, not enough in the society. — Fran Lebowitz

Writers have problems writing sex scenes, because writing one really well is pornography. — Fran Lebowitz

The telephone is a good way to talk to people without having to offer them a drink. — Fran Lebowitz

Calling a taxi in Texas is like calling a rabbi in Iraq. — Fran Lebowitz

There is no such thing as inner peace. There is only nervousness or death. Any attempt to prove otherwise constitutes unacceptable behavior. — Fran Lebowitz

The great thing about New Jersey is that it's close to New York. — Fran Lebowitz

When I was young, I liked romance. But to me, romance is the opposite of domestic life. I just don't want anyone in the apartment, not for longer than a few hours. — Fran Lebowitz

I love being in love. I don't think anything compares with it, though I consider it very disruptive. — Fran Lebowitz

I believed passionately that Communists were a race of horned men who divided their time equally between the burning of Nancy Drew books and the devising of a plan of nuclear attack that would land the largest and most lethal bomb squarely upon the third-grade class of Thomas Jefferson School in Morristown, New Jersey. — Fran Lebowitz

Life is something that happens when you can't get to sleep. — Fran Lebowitz

They know you can't get people to stop smoking, so they develop a system of informants. That's the whole idea of second-hand smoke, you know. Make second-hand smoke dangerous and turn everybody against smokers. Then they say you can't even smoke in a bar
a bar!
because bartenders have a right to a smoke-free "workspace." Ah, bartenders, those health nuts ... — Fran Lebowitz

To me, O'Hara is the real Fitzgerald. — Fran Lebowitz

Writing pornography is deadly, nothing duller. I mean a toll-taker has a more exciting life than a pornographer. — Fran Lebowitz

Bread that must be sliced with an axe is bread that is too nourishing. — Fran Lebowitz

Money ... buys privacy, silence. The less money you have, the noisier it is; the thinner your walls, the closer your neighbors ... The first thing you notice when you step into the house or apartment of a rich person is how quiet it is. — Fran Lebowitz

Cheese that is required by law to append the word food to its title does not go well with red wine or fruit. — Fran Lebowitz

A hobby is, of course, an abomination, as are all consuming interests and passions that do not lead directly to large, personal gain. — Fran Lebowitz

Designer clothes worn by children are like snowsuits worn by adults. Few can carry it off successfully. — Fran Lebowitz

Anti-smoking sentiment has replaced middle-class morality entirely. The smoker has taken the place of the homosexual. Today you hear people say things about smokers that used to be said about homosexuals
they pollute the environment; you don't want them around your children ... — Fran Lebowitz

To me the outdoors is what you must pass through in order to get from your apartment into a taxicab. — Fran Lebowitz

Think before you speak. Read before you think. — Fran Lebowitz

Never allow your child to call you by your first name. He hasn't known you long enough. — Fran Lebowitz

We live in a culture where everyone is perfectly willing to do this [to make a lot of money], and they're just looking for the opportunity. Obviously, a person who is really dumb is not gonna make a zillion dollars. But for a person who is really smart, really smart, it's a boring pursuit. It's not endlessly fascinating. — Fran Lebowitz

To me the biggest waste of time is commuting. First, there is no place that is less than a two-hour commute from New York. You can be half a mile outside of the city limits; you're two hours away by car. I don't care how close they tell you it is. "Oh, it's only thirty miles." Thirty miles? At 8:30 in the morning, thirty miles outside New York, you might as well be starting out in Omaha. — Fran Lebowitz

Take away a man's actual sense of manhood - which is conventionally based on the ability to work, to earn money, to be self-sufficient, to provide for children - and you've got to give them something else. And they did. — Fran Lebowitz

One [New York] eatery is a remodeled diner that looks like what Busby Berkeley would have done if only he hadn't had the money. — Fran Lebowitz

Raisins are a thing that lasts, they come in small boxes, and you always feel like eating raisins, even at six in the morning. A raisin is always an appropriate snack. — Fran Lebowitz

I am not ... totally unreceptive to colour providing it makes its appearance quietly, deferentially, and without undue fanfare. — Fran Lebowitz

[On not reading newspapers:] If something important happens, your mother calls you. — Fran Lebowitz

Very few people possess true artistic ability. It is therefore both unseemly and unproductive to irritate the situation by making an effort. If you have a burning, restless urge to write or paint, simply eat something sweet and the feeling will pass. — Fran Lebowitz

We are all born with a rut radar. Mine is finely wired, a little oversensitive maybe. Perhaps just a bit hyperactive. Twenty steady boyfriends before turning 16, a new best friend 12 times a year, switched college majors every time I met someone who seemed exactly like the sort of person I really, really wanted to be. I'm not fickle. I'm just never there yet. — Fran Lebowitz

I have friends, some of whom are spectacularly good writers, who really want someone to edit them. I don't register that impulse. It's like the impulse for wanting a dog. — Fran Lebowitz

All of television's appalling, but this is hardly a new statement. — Fran Lebowitz

Nothing lasts. So it's my belief, yes, I know a lot of the things that we liked didn't last, but maybe things we don't like, they're also not going to last. There has been progress in my lifetime. There are certainly things that are better than when I was young, and there are things that are worse. New York City, it's worse. There's no question. — Fran Lebowitz

Television turned out to be exactly as bad as the most irritating and pedantic intellectuals of the '50s said it was going to be. — Fran Lebowitz

Knowingness is sexy. The opposite of sexy is naivete. — Fran Lebowitz

Tolerance is really a better thing than understanding. Because it doesn't agitate against human nature. — Fran Lebowitz

You can be nasty when you are young, but you really have to be older to achieve bitterness. — Fran Lebowitz

For someone such as myself, who is kind of feckless and immature, it's better to have rich friends than to be rich yourself, because then you have wealth without the responsibility. You get to go to their houses, and you get acquainted with a level of furniture that you cannot provide for yourself. Furniture, I think is the most important attribute of rich people. — Fran Lebowitz

The Word Lady: Most Often Used to Describe Someone You Wouldn't Want to Talk to for Even Five Minutes. — Fran Lebowitz

Middle class was defined by having certain values and only a certain amount of money. But this new middle class seems to have absolutely no values and an unlimited amount of money. — Fran Lebowitz

Notoriously insensitive to subtle shifts in mood, children will persist in discussing the color of a recently sighted cement-mixer long after one's own interest in the topic has waned. — Fran Lebowitz

A salad is not a meal, it is a style. — Fran Lebowitz

The thing you love right away, don't do it, because that's the very thing that's going to be your addiction for the rest of your life. — Fran Lebowitz

I never wanted to have any extra money, if it meant having to have any extra work. — Fran Lebowitz

There are certain relationships I think I'm great at: I'm the world's greatest daughter. I'm a great relative. I believe I'm a great friend. — Fran Lebowitz

If people don't hold grudges, it means they just don't care what people do. — Fran Lebowitz

Food is definitely important part of your balanced diet. — Fran Lebowitz

Radio news is bearable. This is due to the fact that while the news is being broadcast, the disk jockey is not allowed to talk. — Fran Lebowitz

What do they do in these [private] clubs, anyway? Sit around saying things like 'Thank God I'm here. No Jews! What fun! This is living, huh? Look! No Jews! I don't know when I've had a better time. And no women! Just men! And no blacks! Just whites! White men! White men who are not Jewish! It doesn't get any better than this.' To some people, apparently, this is a perfect description of injustice. To me, this is a perfect description of a gay bar in Iceland. — Fran Lebowitz

China is not a great idea: capitalism and a dictator. It's like the two worst possible things you could imagine together. It's a very bad idea. — Fran Lebowitz

The other day I read that last year 58 million tourists came to New York ... where a puny eight million people are trying to live. Unless they own a hotel chain, I don't think a single one of these eight million people are happy about this. — Fran Lebowitz

[On the writers she admires:] I prefer dead writers, because I don't see them at parties. — Fran Lebowitz

To lose yourself in a book is the desire of the bookworm. I mean to be taken. That is my desire. — Fran Lebowitz

Your life story would not make a good book. Don't even try. — Fran Lebowitz

Sarcasm: what they have in New York instead of jacuzzis. — Fran Lebowitz

Children ask better questions than adults. "May I have a cookie?" "Why is the sky blue?" and "What does a cow say?" are far more likely to elicit a cheerful response than "Where's your manuscript?" "Why haven't you called?" and "Who's your lawyer?" — Fran Lebowitz

Tourism as a number-one industry is a terrible, terrible idea for any city, especially New York. If you were going to turn a city, which is a place where people live, into a tourist attraction, you're going to have to make it a place that people who don't live here, like. So I object to living in a place for people who don't live here. — Fran Lebowitz

A community is a butcher and a doctor, a minister, a town troublemaker. A "community" is not a bunch of people united by some grievance. That's just self-righteousness
incredibly dangerous and antidemocratic. — Fran Lebowitz

It is not true that there is dignity in all work. Some jobs are definitely better than others ... People who have good jobs are happy, rich, and well dressed. People who have bad jobs are unhappy, poor and use meat extenders. Those who seek dignity in the type of work that compels them to help hamburgers are certain to be disappointed. — Fran Lebowitz

Remember that as a teenager you are in the last stage of your life when you will be happy to hear the phone is for you. — Fran Lebowitz

Marriage entitles women to the protection of a strong man who will steady the stepladder while they paint the kitchen ceiling. — Fran Lebowitz

Local television shows do not, in general, supply make-up artists. The exception to this is Los Angeles, an unusually generous city in this regard, since they also provide this service for radio appearances. — Fran Lebowitz

Science has done absolutely nothing about noise. The worst design flaw in the human body is that you can't close your ears. The reason you can't close your ears is, if a lion was coming, you had to wake up. Today no lions are coming. Beeping trucks are coming. I read the other day that the guy who invented the beep when trucks go backward, he died. I thought: Of course-he dies, I have to listen to it. — Fran Lebowitz

Do not have your child's hair cut by a real hairdresser in a real hairdressing salon. He is, at this point, far too short to be exposed to contempt. — Fran Lebowitz

You should make it hard on yourself to write so you're easier to read. — Fran Lebowitz

I never took hallucinogenic drugs because I never wanted my consciousness expanded one unnecessary iota. — Fran Lebowitz