Just Married Funny Quotes & Sayings

Dammit Sir, it's your duty to get married. You can't always be living for pleasure! — Oscar Wilde

Getting married means you've won, and I hate thinking like that, I do, but let's be honest, that's just how it is. Until you're married, you're a loser, NO MATTER HOW GREAT YOU ARE AT EVERYTHING ELSE. In our super progressive, equal right, modern society, it's the one thing no one wants to say but everyone is thinking, however messed-up it is. — Lindsey Kelk

I do wanna get married. It just sounds great. You get to go grocery shopping together, rent videos, and the kissing and the hugging and the kissing and the hugging under the cozy covers. Mmmm! But sometimes I worry that I don't wanna get married as much as I want to get dipped in a vat of warm, rising bread dough. That might feel pretty good, too. — Maria Bamford

No, we're not getting married," I told my mother on the phone when she asked. "He's going to California and I'm staying here." Usually she doesn't phone. Usually she just does things like send me notes with histrionic scrawlings that read, "Well, you know, I can't use these," and along with the notes she encloses coupons for Kotex or Midol. — Lorrie Moore

One would think that since Hamilton and Eliza only just got married, our mothers would be satisfied for a while, but instead they seem to have come to the conclusion that everyone needs to enter into the state of wedded bliss. Quite frankly, they've turned scary. — Jen Turano

I used to quite fancy Russell Brand, but I'm not sure if it's just because he's funny. He's definitely got something and I can't just switch all that off because of one stupid moment. I fancy Barack Obama too, which is a wrong crush, isn't it? He's a married man, and he's quite old, but he looks young, so he's fair game. — Konnie Huq

It is quite funny really when you think that probably I would have married him if he'd been at all clever about it. But instead of putting it to me as a sensible business proposition he would drag in all this talk about love the whole time, and I simply can't bear those showerings of sentimentality. Otherwise I should most likely have married him ages ago. — Nancy Mitford

But a funny thing happens when you tell a man that you don't want to get married: they don't believe you. They think you're lying to yourself or to them or you're trying to trick them in some way and you end up being made to feel worse for just telling the truth. — Jami Attenberg

Nothing funny about happy people. I don't know, you just look at a situation or a life, and you can kind of pick up the areas of conflict and delve in there, because that's where the most story is. If someone's happily married for 20 years, that's great, but it's not that funny. — Kate Beaton

Just because I'm married to Doug doesn't mean I can't be here for you. — Kristen Schaal

The most absurd thing of the whole affair was that we were never engaged. He just started showing up Sunday after Sunday and now expected to marry me. I never went out alone (or chaperoned) with him anywhere, I never even smiled at him. If that is all it takes to be engaged then I could have been married off to a hedgehog if it showed up every
Sunday. — Astrid Yrigollen

I love being married. It's great. But I hate arguing. I hate fighting. You know what I do now? When we get in an argument, I just take her side against me. It's just easier; it goes quicker. She's like, "What's wrong with you?" And I'm like, "I know! Damn it! Argh!" — Louis C.K.

It's a funny thing that when a man hasn't anything on earth to worry about, he goes off and gets married. — Robert Frost

May I help you?"
"Mr. Neck-uh-stone-sack please," I replied.
"Um. You mean Nat?"
"Yeah. This is Counselor Smallwater's law office. May I speak with Nat?"
"Well, he's in a class right now. Can I take a message?"
"Hmm. I suppose it's all right. You can just tell him that his annulment is official now. He and his sister are no longer married. — Michael Darling

Do married people live longer than single people or does it just SEEM longer? — Steven Wright

I miss being a mistress. I enjoyed it. I loved it, in fact. I never felt guilty. I pretended I did. I had to, with my married girlfriends, the ones who live in terror of the pert au pair or the pretty, funny girl in the office who can talk about football and spends half her life in the gym. I had to tell them that of course I felt terrible about it, of course I felt bad for his wife, I never meant for any of this to happen, we fell in love, what could we do? The truth is, I never felt bad for Rachel.... She just wasn't real to me, and anyway, I was enjoying myself too much. Being the other woman is a huge turn-on, there's no point denying it: you're the one he can't help but betray his wife for, even though he loves her. That's just how irresistible you are. — Paula Hawkins

There once was an old man of Lyme who married three wives at a time when asked, 'Why a third?' he replied 'One's absurd! and bigamy, sir, is a crime!' — William Cosmo Monkhouse

In the past, when gays were very flamboyant as drag queens or as leather queens or whatever, that just amused people. And most of the people that come and watch the gay Halloween parade, where all those excesses are on display, those are straight families, and they think it's funny. But what people don't think is so funny is when two middle-aged lawyers who are married to each other move in next door to you and your wife and they have adopted a Korean girl and they want to send her to school with your children and they want to socialize with you and share a drink over the backyard fence. That creeps people out, especially Christians. So, I don't think gay marriage is a conservative issue. I think it's a radical issue. — Edmund White

Andy had been a good friend, and a good human being. Someone who was loyal, and upbeat, and funny. You think if you're not in touch with someone, everything is probably okay with them. Life just ticks along. They do the same things as you. They grow up. They meet a girl. Maybe they get married. They progress in their work. Perhaps they get into IT, or move abroad, or have a kid. Maybe they get rich, maybe they stay poor. But you never, ever think, that maybe they're dead. — Danny Wallace

Everybody in the South loves the one closeted homosexual who's married. It's just too funny to not have in a movie about the South. It's an epidemic. You gotta represent! — Tate Taylor

Before Amy and I got serious, got engaged, got married, I would get glimpses of Go's thoughts in a sentence here or there. It's funny, I can't quite get a bead on her, like who she really is. And: You just seem kind of not yourself with her. And: There's a difference between really loving someone and loving the idea of her. And finally: The important thing is she makes you really happy. Back — Gillian Flynn

Some things happened and some other things didn't, and at one point I found I'd gone to a place where I married Jascha. Pyotr Frankis had been right: life was funny. It was also reasonably good and so was the relationship. And after the divorce, I got a job. — Pat Cadigan

It's just funny to see him so territorial over a woman. He's practically growling at any man who talks to you, even the married ones. He's never even brought a woman around so I hope you don't mind me saying that it's a little entertaining." Before — Katie Reus

She gasped as he captured the picture from her hands, "Pining over what could have been? Funny, if you hadn't spread your legs for anyone with a pulse, you might be standing here married to the other Karasphalous brother right now," Nikos growled as he placed the photo back in its original spot and turned just as Adriana's hand made contact with the side of his smug face.
"Go to hell!" she spat as she grasp the long folds of her dress and stormed toward the master bedroom like the hounds of hell were on her heels.
Just before slamming the door behind her she heard him bark, "I'm already there! — Julie Garver

If we (Lauren and Jim) ever get married, we're just going to put helmets on, run into each other from a hundred yards, and smash together like rams — Jim Carrey

When I started doing my act, I wasn't married and didn't have kids. I was probably 29 years old. Some people say that's not a kid, but when you're 50, and you look back to when you were 30, you were a kid. You look back on your 30s and think, "I was an idiot!" But I would just do things then I thought were funny. I couldn't have cared less who thought anything about it. — Larry The Cable Guy