Jeselnik Comedian Quotes & Sayings

I'm fine, she said. But her smile was bleak, without light or warmth. And for the first time I thought of what it must be like to know that you were going to die, that the trees would bud, flower, leaf, dry, die, and you would not be there to see any of it. — Anna Quindlen

Love, when it is pure, has a revitalizing effect upon others, and in the presence of a truly loving person others grow and expand into a healthier state of being. Without deep reverence for the beloved, such a refreshing stream cannot flow from the heart of the lover. — Vatsyayana

It was important to me to be cool as a comedian. I didn't want to be a crowd-pleaser who sent out the vibe of, "I need you guys." I wanted to be so cool that the audience could leave and I would still be killing, that I didn't want to have to rely on them or need them. That really appealed to me. — Anthony Jeselnik

There are now reports that President Obama will name Massachusetts Senator John Kerry to be the next secretary of defense. Apparently this is part of America's new defense strategy to bore our enemies to death. — Jay Leno

To be consistently effective, you must put a certain distance between yourself and what happens to you on the golf course. This is not indifference, it's detachment. — Sam Snead

An offended audience member repeating a comedian's act from memory is worse than, literally, anything. — Anthony Jeselnik

I love when I teach my son a good lesson. But I love it even more when he teaches me. — Brad Meltzer

I'm not a comedy writer, I'm a comedian, so I only write stuff that I would want to say. — Anthony Jeselnik

Pessimists are not boring. Pessimists are right. Pessimists are superfluous. — Elias Canetti

The way a man relates to his dad will often affect how he relates to his Father God. — Stormie O'martian

You can't expect everyone to laugh or applaud you for doing edgy things. Sometimes you'll miss. But I think comedians are artists and there's a value in failure. It kind of works both ways between comedians and audiences. The audience has to understand that comedians are going to sometimes tell a joke that doesn't work out with dark subjects, and the comedian has to understand that sometimes they 'll fail and it's not the audience's fault for not getting it or loving it. — Anthony Jeselnik

I like seeing what the comedian thinks is funny, not just what they think I'll think is funny. — Anthony Jeselnik

Maisie had never owned a book and couldn't imagine rereading anything when time was so short and the libraries so full. — Sarah Jane Stratford

Entering the waters of baptism is something we do. The be that must precede it is faith in Jesus Christ and a mighty change of heart. — Lynn G. Robbins

I'm a comedian and there are a lot of things I'm still learning. I love one liners because I love smart jokes. I also don't like complaining about society or whining about my life on stage. — Anthony Jeselnik

Disasters are funny to me. As a comedian you learn from failure, so I'm always trying to put myself in a situation that does not seem ideal for my comedy and see how it works. — Anthony Jeselnik