Jeselnik Anthony Quotes & Sayings

I think brilliant stuff comes out of working with limitations. One liners are very limiting, but that's what drew me to them in the first place. — Anthony Jeselnik

I don't have much racial stuff in my act. And no one's ever really threatened me to my face. Threats on the internet don't bother me so much. — Anthony Jeselnik

Every night, my girlfriend comes home from work, and she brings with her a houseplant. She's like, 'Anthony, I had to pick this up. We need a houseplant in our apartment.' And every night, I make her return it. I say, 'No way, baby. You can't take care of a houseplant. You couldn't even keep your baby alive.' — Anthony Jeselnik

Every comic went through their Mitch Hedberg phase - the glasses, the hair in the face - and you knew immediately when they were doing it. — Anthony Jeselnik

I don't want to wake up with cops surrounding my bed tonight. — Anthony Jeselnik

My girlfriend wants an open relationship. I said no way. What kind of man would I be if I had to tell my friends I date you? — Anthony Jeselnik

My sister just had a baby, a little newborn. The kid is adorable, so cute. She wouldn't let me hold him, she refuses. She says, 'No way, Anthony, I'm afraid you're gonna drop him.' I'm 32 years old. Like I'm some kind of idiot. Like I don't have a million other ways to hurt that baby. — Anthony Jeselnik

My favorite sport is football. I'm a die hard Steelers fan. Favorite players were Hines Ward and Greg Lloyd. — Anthony Jeselnik

My girlfriend has the greatest story as to why she isn't religious anymore. When she was a kid, like 12 years old, her parents nailed a 25 pound crucifix to the wall right above her bed. About two weeks later, in the middle of the night, the crucifix falls off the wall and leaves a two inch gash in the back of her dad's head. — Anthony Jeselnik

The best way to break up with a girl is like I'm taking off a band-aid. Slowly and in the shower. — Anthony Jeselnik

I have a twelve year old sex doll. Brand new. — Anthony Jeselnik

Larry King is so old, he's actually one of the Jews that killed Christ. — Anthony Jeselnik

Every Sunday my dad calls to ask if I went to church. And every Sunday I lie and say: Sorry. Wrong Number. — Anthony Jeselnik

My dad was amazing. He raised five boys. All by himself. Without the rest of us knowing. — Anthony Jeselnik

It was important to me to be cool as a comedian. I didn't want to be a crowd-pleaser who sent out the vibe of, "I need you guys." I wanted to be so cool that the audience could leave and I would still be killing, that I didn't want to have to rely on them or need them. That really appealed to me. — Anthony Jeselnik

I got into comedy because I wanted to get into writing. — Anthony Jeselnik

I grew up in a poor family. I had to cut everyone's hair, because we didn't have money for entertainment. — Anthony Jeselnik

Do whatever you want to do, whenever you want to do it — Anthony Jeselnik

Amy [Schumer] and I each have our cross to bear when it comes to tattoos. Amy and I are funny when we fight. It just keeps escalating until one of us starts laughing. Then it's over. I'm happy that we're friends. — Anthony Jeselnik

I want to marry the kind of girl that walks out of an abortion clinic with a lollipop. — Anthony Jeselnik

I've always been fascinated by dark subjects, especially people's reactions to them. Why are people so uncomfortable talking about death if everyone dies? — Anthony Jeselnik

That's the worst way you can hear about comedy material: from a third person's blog story that they wrote when they were upset. — Anthony Jeselnik

Sure, retarded jokes write themselves. But the spelling is always way off. — Anthony Jeselnik

Sure, my uncle killed himself playing Russian Roulette. But I choose to remember him as a great Russian Roulette player. — Anthony Jeselnik

I had a happy childhood in a nice suburban area, pretty idyllic, upper middle class and very, very white. My dad is an attorney. My mother is a housewife. They had five kids in seven years: me, my brother, and three sisters. I'm the oldest. We were all very active. My mother was exhausted. — Anthony Jeselnik

Childhood obesity affects all pedophiles. — Anthony Jeselnik

I don't think Metallica sits around all day wondering why country music fans don't embrace them. — Anthony Jeselnik

Whenever I meet a pretty girl, the first thing I look for is intelligence; because if she doesn't have that, then she's mine. — Anthony Jeselnik

Disgusting. I just found my grandpa's Viagra. I swear, I almost puked from eating so many. — Anthony Jeselnik

My great grandmother threw herself in front of a bus. The police tried to say she was committed suicide but the family knew she was just trying to stop civil rights. — Anthony Jeselnik

I've spent the past two years looking for my ex-girlfriend's killer ... but no one will do it. — Anthony Jeselnik

I'm trying to teach my girlfriend how to surf. But I just end up yelling at her the whole time. Because I don't know how to surf. — Anthony Jeselnik

People say it's easy to make fun of retarded people, but it's not. You really have to explain it to them. — Anthony Jeselnik

I have a rare form of body dysmorphia in which I absolutely can't stand how good I look. — Anthony Jeselnik

I was raised Catholic. I rejected it later on. I'm an outspoken atheist now. People say, 'Oh, it's a negative thing to be an atheist.' I don't agree. I think it's more optimistic to think that there is no God, no afterlife. — Anthony Jeselnik

I have that need in me, I want everyone to love me, but I'm embarrassed by that need, so I wanted to cover it up in my persona. I felt like I wouldn't be able to do stand-up for a career if I was needy. I didn't want to be complaining or whining onstage. I wanted to be cool and do exactly what I wanted to do. That way I would never have to change for anybody. — Anthony Jeselnik

If I tell a joke on stage and the crowd laughs for a minute, I stand there for a minute and enjoy them laughing before I go on to the next joke. On TV, if I stand there for a minute while they laugh, I look like an idiot who can't remember the next joke. — Anthony Jeselnik

Jeff Ross has been roasting people since Whitney Cummings was nothing but a glint in the eye of the man who raped her mother. — Anthony Jeselnik

My girlfriend makes me want to be a better person ... so I can get a better girlfriend. — Anthony Jeselnik

Everyone gets laid off and everyone in Hollywood gets unemployment for six months while they're looking for a new job. So I would just do stand-up for six months and think I was really making it, and when my unemployment ran out, I had to get another job immediately. — Anthony Jeselnik

I wish my family had taken more pictures when I was growing up. Instead of always having to draw everything. — Anthony Jeselnik

I spent all night feeding the homeless to dogs. — Anthony Jeselnik

I do dark [humor]. I like people who are silly and weird and people who are surprising and good at what they do. — Anthony Jeselnik

My mom's been having a hard time lately. She just found out that she has to have both of her breasts removed - if she's ever going to be good at golf. — Anthony Jeselnik

Racist dermatologists think all black people have really bad skin. — Anthony Jeselnik

I guess I prefer the laughs. I couldn't do a whole set of just shocks, but I like throwing a fastball inside every now and then to keep people on their toes. — Anthony Jeselnik

Watching soccer just makes me wish I was watching Foosball. — Anthony Jeselnik

I like seeing what the comedian thinks is funny, not just what they think I'll think is funny. — Anthony Jeselnik

I'm not the voice of reason; I'm more the guy using these offensive topics as fodder to raise tension in a joke. — Anthony Jeselnik

You can't expect everyone to laugh or applaud you for doing edgy things. Sometimes you'll miss. But I think comedians are artists and there's a value in failure. It kind of works both ways between comedians and audiences. The audience has to understand that comedians are going to sometimes tell a joke that doesn't work out with dark subjects, and the comedian has to understand that sometimes they 'll fail and it's not the audience's fault for not getting it or loving it. — Anthony Jeselnik

I could see myself adopting a kid someday. But, obviously, I'd prefer it to be aborted. — Anthony Jeselnik

Dark humor appealed to me because it was a bigger laugh than you could get with anything else. Seeing people laugh at something inappropriate with their whole bodies, a guttural, visceral laugh beyond a mere "hah." — Anthony Jeselnik

About a month ago some kids in my neighborhood were playing hide-and-go-seek and one of them ended up in an abandoned refrigerator. It's all anybody talked about for weeks. I said, 'Who cares? How many kids you know get to die a winner? — Anthony Jeselnik

I think the reason I became funny was because if I made people laugh, they would let me keep talking. — Anthony Jeselnik

You don't know anything about pain until you've seen your own baby drowned in a tub ... and you definitely don't know anything about how to wash a baby. — Anthony Jeselnik

My neighbor complains every time my girlfriend and I have sex. We're not even that loud. But he used to date my girlfriend. — Anthony Jeselnik

My favorite part of going to a wedding is ruining the wedding. — Anthony Jeselnik

When I finished high school, I wanted to take all my graduation money and buy myself a motorcycle. But my mom said no. See, she had a brother who died in a horrible motorcycle accident when he was 18. And I could just have his motorcycle. — Anthony Jeselnik

One of my favorite things on the show was just getting to do my own monologue and talking about someone who killed themselves, or making a joke about some horrible tragedy - I love being able to fight for and get on TV. I just think it's so different. — Anthony Jeselnik

I enjoyed writing for someone else's voice, but I wasn't very good at it. — Anthony Jeselnik

I would never hit a woman - even if she had a knife or a stutter. — Anthony Jeselnik

I've got a kid in Africa that I feed, that I clothe, that I school, that I inoculate for 75 cents a day. Which is practically nothing compared to what it cost to send him there. — Anthony Jeselnik

Everyone has the same kind of fears; everyone has the same big problems in the world, which is, like, fear of death and 'I hope horrible things don't happen to my family,' but they do. And I think people laugh at them as this great release. — Anthony Jeselnik

I was always cutting words. I even would write my jokes in my notebook. I still do this, almost like a poem. — Anthony Jeselnik

There is nothing that's off limits. If people think something is off limits, I make it my business to go make a joke about it; that's my job. — Anthony Jeselnik

I'm very arrogant and mean. I'm almost like a bad guy professional wrestler. — Anthony Jeselnik

I'm inspired by making people laugh at subjects that should make them cry. — Anthony Jeselnik

The world is full of horrible things that will eventually get you and everything you care about. Laughter is a universal way to lift your head up and say: 'Not today, you bastards.' — Anthony Jeselnik

I want to get a tattoo of the word irony, only misspelled. — Anthony Jeselnik

I'm a realist all the way. I'm too cynical to be an optimist. But I've lived too much of a charmed life so far to ever be a pessimist. — Anthony Jeselnik

I like to play pranks on my girlfriend, you know, keep things fresh for me, make me laugh, you know? She hates it. But like, the other night, I put Saran wrap over the toilet seat, you know, which doesn't sound that original, but she's bulimic. — Anthony Jeselnik

When I was little, I would burn ants with a magnifying glass. But now that I'm older, I'm more of a cat guy. — Anthony Jeselnik

I know her in the biblical senseand when I say that, I mean I don't believe a word she says. — Anthony Jeselnik

My girlfriend is despicable. I just found out she flirted with my brother, during my mom's funeral, while I was asleep. — Anthony Jeselnik

I want people to just be paying attention even if they're not necessarily laughing at something, or if it takes them a while to get something, I don't mind that. If half the crowd gets the joke and the other half is sitting there scratching their heads, that's just as good for me if I like the joke, because I feel like it just brings people in more. — Anthony Jeselnik

The one thing I've found you really can't joke about - and people think it's death or something - is money. No one thinks it's funny, whether you have it or you don't. Money is just something no one seems to like joking about. — Anthony Jeselnik

I prefer to sleep with deaf girls. Those crazy chicks never have a safe word. — Anthony Jeselnik

My girlfriend is Jewish. But it's easier to buy her a Christmas present and then break it into 8 pieces. — Anthony Jeselnik

I can drink like a fish, or at least, someone born with fetal alcohol syndrome. — Anthony Jeselnik

I'm not just offensive, I'm very smart about the way that I do it, and that takes a lot of time. People say that young comics shouldn't be trying these things. That's ridiculous. You should try everything and see what sticks. — Anthony Jeselnik

When I was seven, I broke my leg playing soccer. Just to feel something. — Anthony Jeselnik

I killed a squirrel once with a car. Twice with a tennis racket. — Anthony Jeselnik

My girlfriend loves to eat chocolate. She's always eating chocolate, and she likes to joke she's got a chocolate addiction. Get me away from those Hersheys bars. I'm addicted to them. It's really annoying. So I put her in a car and I drove her downtown. And I pointed out a crack addict. And I said, Do you see that, honey? ... Why can't you be that skinny? — Anthony Jeselnik

Tom Cruise's pre-nup lets him keep his money, the kids and Katie Holmes. — Anthony Jeselnik

What do they call that hat Jewish guys always wear? A Yankees cap. — Anthony Jeselnik

I would write 100 jokes a day. Most of them were terrible. But I just said, 'I'll write more than everybody else, and that's how I'll get better.' — Anthony Jeselnik

The opposite of sad is down's syndrome. — Anthony Jeselnik

My girlfriend asked me if I only love her for her body. I said no, baby. Just parts of it. — Anthony Jeselnik

It's impossible for me to hear the words quadruple murder suicide without thinking of my grandparents. — Anthony Jeselnik

God, that Anthony Jeselnik Show sounds really funny. — Anthony Jeselnik

I'm not a comedy writer, I'm a comedian, so I only write stuff that I would want to say. — Anthony Jeselnik

I was a weird kid because I liked to be alone, but I craved attention. It was important for me to be cool, but I couldn't keep my mouth shut. So I was either talking for the sake of talking, or I was curled up with a book somewhere hiding from everyone. — Anthony Jeselnik

I think my friend Jeff is gay. I don't know - I'm so bad with names. — Anthony Jeselnik

I never go see live comedy shows because I just sit in the audience thinking, "Here's what I would say. Here's what I would do if I got up there." It drives me crazy. — Anthony Jeselnik

Yeah we're not together anymore. She has got - she has got a new boyfriend now. They just moved into together. And I've heard rumors that he is abusive, which makes you want to go over there with a baseball bat. And then blame it on her boyfriend. — Anthony Jeselnik

An offended audience member repeating a comedian's act from memory is worse than, literally, anything. — Anthony Jeselnik

My dad's been having a hard time lately. Keeps on losing his keys. Can't hang on to a set of keys to save his life. And he has tried everything too: little hook next to the door, little bowl next to his bed, keychain makes a noise when you whistle. Nothing worked. So finally, this year for his birthday, the whole family chipped in - and we put him in a home. — Anthony Jeselnik

I let a friend set me up on a blind date. It was a disaster. She ended up being a burn victim. By the end of the night. — Anthony Jeselnik

I had written for Jimmy Kimmel and Sarah Silverman in the past. Jimmy had a different voice, and different priorities. He couldn't be the bad guy in the joke; he couldn't upset people, really. — Anthony Jeselnik

I'm actually a really nice guy, once you get to blow me. — Anthony Jeselnik