Jeannie Gaffigan Quotes & Sayings

In short, is not liberty the freedom of every person to make full use of his faculties, so long as he does not harm other persons while doing so? — Frederic Bastiat

The nerds are rich and successful, and those jocks are dumb divorced guys with beer bellies. By the way, in high school, I also played football and, yes, I have a beer belly. Jeannie can't divorce me. We are Catholic. Thank you, Jesus. — Jim Gaffigan

When pregnant women have cravings, it's "adorable" and when they put on twenty or thirty pounds in nine months, it's "healthy." Yet when I have cravings and put on thirty pounds, I'm considered a "fat tub of turds." I'm not sure, but I believe this is sexism. Everyone wants to rub a pregnant women's belly, but when I ask people to rub my belly, I get kicked out of Dave & Buster's. It's just not fair. I put on more weight than Jeannie during each of her pregnancies. I justify it by thinking, "Well, just another thing I'm better at than she is. — Jim Gaffigan

Every year after Jeannie has her annual baby, I receive congratulations from friends and family. There's always one person who says, "Oh, you just had a baby. Yeah, we just got a puppy." What? In no other situation could you compare a human to an animal and people would actually be okay with it. You could never say, "Oh, you just got married? Yeah, I used to have a pig. Does your new wife like to roll around in mud, too? My pig loved that. — Jim Gaffigan

At the moment I am taking a very careful look at some of the work which we have done in the past. — Martin Fleischmann

When Marre was two, I was in line at a crowded New York City grocery store, and I gave her a sippy cup of juice in a futile attempt to stop a meltdown. She bellowed at the top of her lungs, "I don't like jews!" Thank God, we live in New York City and my family looks like Hitler's fantasy. Otherwise, that would've been pretty awkward. Jeannie — Jim Gaffigan

Jeannie is Bill Clinton, and I am Al Gore. She "feels their pain," and I'm the dork reminding them to turn off the lights. I'm always Joe Biden saying the wrong thing. — Jim Gaffigan

Since Jeannie is a big believer in attachment parenting and I'm a spineless coward, we have instituted an open-door policy, meaning if one of our kids has a nightmare, they are welcome to come in our room and pee in our bed. Luckily this only happens every night. — Jim Gaffigan

I wanted her fifteen years ago, and I still fucking want her now. There isn't a single part of me that doesn't know she's my future, but we have a lot of shit to deal with before we even think about heading down that path, because once we start, there will be no turning back. — Aurora Rose Reynolds

You have heaven adorned, earth beautified, the sea populated with its own creatures, the air filled with birds which scour it in every direction. Studious listener, think of all these creations which God has drawn out of nothing; ... recognize everywhere the wisdom of God; never cease to wonder, and, through every creature, to glorify the Creator. — Saint Basil

A legend - now I am like a unicorn. — Jean Giraud

However, during our marriage there have been periods when she has become rather lazy. Jeannie describes these periods as "pregnancy." My view has always been, pregnant or not, that does not mean she can't move some cinder blocks. We are a team, and I have to take a second nap today. Of course, pregnant women are not lazy. In fact, they are the opposite of lazy. Whatever they are doing, they are also always growing a baby. Even when they are sleeping, they are growing a baby. They are constantly multitasking. I'm often not even tasking. — Jim Gaffigan