January Funny Quotes & Sayings

It's difficult to believe that Al Gore was oblivious to the existing laws. He has to respond at some point. — Barbara Olson

You should be able to have good matches against anybody. — Charlie Haas

That cat doesn't have a lick of sense,' I said, sighing.
Well, honey, he's not right in the head,' Dad said, flipping his cigarette into the front yard.
I glared at him. 'And just what do you mean by that?'
Dad counted on his fingers. 'He's cross-eyed; he jumps out of trees after birds and then doesn't land on his feet; he sleeps with his head smashed up against the wall, and the tip of his tail is crooked.'
Oh yeah? Well, how about this: he once got locked in a basement by evil Petey Scroggs in the middle of January and survived on snow and little frozen mice. When I'm cold at night he sleeps right on my face. Of that whole litter of kittens he came out of he's the only one left. One of his brothers didn't even have a butthole.'
I stand corrected. PeeDink is a survivor. — Haven Kimmel

All of this while I left lifted by a strange new medium, a strange element
I now tell you that I was newly buoyant in a brighter life. In the midst of a hymn, God had disappeared. It was like waking from a nightmare in which I'd been paralyzed. Like discovering that gravity itself had been only a bad dream. — Denis Johnson

He could tell at once that they carried different sorts of bubble bath mixed with the water though it wasn't bubble bath as Harry had ever experienced. One tap gushed pink and blue bubbles the size of footballs; another poured ice-white foam so thick that Harry thought it would have supported his weight if he'd cared to test it; a third sent heavily perfumed purple clouds hovering over the surface of the water. Harry amused himself for a while turning the taps on and off, particularly enjoying the effect of one whose jet bounced off the surface of the water in large arcs. — J.K. Rowling

I finally understood that I didn't lack pen and paper but my own
memorizing mind. It had been given away with a hundred poems, called
rote learning, old-fashioned, backward, an enemy of creative thinking,
a great human gift disowned. — Grace Paley

It's not easy being Hugh Jackman, but he wears the attention better than anyone I've ever met. He treats every person he meets the same and finds joy in everything he does. The lesson I've learned is that if you work incredibly hard, and you're nice to everybody, you'll be fine. — Laura Donnelly

What makes a loft authentic isn't its layout or its history but its ability to give people a true home - a dwelling that reflects their personalities and aspirations, including their dreams of urbanity. — Virginia Postrel

The Tin Woodman was about to reply when he heard a low growl, and turning — L. Frank Baum

We get to see it! January 1st, 2000! We get to see ... all those fundamentalist preachers having to do their backpedaling when the Armageddon doesn't occur. — David Cross

Simon appeared at the doorway behind Tori and Derek. He waved to me and mouthed "run while you can."
Not a bad idea. I snuck around them and zipped out the door to where Simon waited. Then I glanced back at Tori.
"Don't worry about her," he said. "Probably the most fun she's had in days." He led me into the next room. "Sadly, I can't say the same for Derek, and as soon as he stops arguing long enough to notice you're gone - "
"Hey!" Derek called. "Where are you two going?"
Simon took my elbow and steered me at a jog through the house as Derek's footsteps pounded behind us. — Kelley Armstrong

I can't believe he's making you wait till January for an appointment."
"I could threaten to bomb the school. That'd get me in quicker. — Jeannine Garsee

Somebody said, 'Get your agent to call the new Bob Cummings show. They're looking for a funny lady.' Within three hours, I had the job. That was January 1955. I had such fun with that show. — Ann B. Davis

HYSTERICAL HISTORY Bumping into Vincent O'Neil makes me think about what Uncle Frankie said. I need new material for Boston, not Vincent's stale and stinky fart jokes from The Big Book of Butt Bugles and Blampfs. So I keep my eyes open for new concepts to work out as I go to history class that afternoon. We're supposed to give a presentation on our favorite president. I chose Millard Fillmore. Why? Because nobody else will. Plus, his name is funny. Who knows? Maybe I'll get a whole bit out of him for Boston. I roll to the front of the class and prop a portrait of President Fillmore on the flip-chart easel. "Millard Fillmore was the thirteenth president of the United States. Born in January 1800, he was named after a duck. No, I'm sorry. That was his brother Mallard Fillmore. Millard Fillmore was the last member of the Whig Party to ever hold the office of president. Probably because they all wore wigs. — James Patterson

The Pen is mightier than the sword. — Diana Day-Admire

Down on my knees again. Worship isn't enough."
Peter leaned forward and rubbed his forehead against Charlie's. "I'm going to like this," he murmured. "Daily services. Hourly services. — Gordon Merrick

I'm trying to make it a little bit more personal this time. All my shows are hodge-podges, and this one is no exception but this one delves a little more deeper into my life and my world. Hopefully it's funny. I did a version of this at Birdland last January and it's similar-ish to what I've done before. But I've been working on it all year; I did it out here in Los Angeles in a theatre and kept developing it. Hopefully it'll be better. — Jason Graae

Though I'd never hit anyone before, the thought of smashing my father's face sounded pretty satisfying. — Carrie Mesrobian

I wanted to play with death, like a child with a new toy, I wanted to push all the buttons and see what would happen. — Holly Hood

Long live eternal Germany! — Wilhelm Frick