Janet Evanovich Stephanie Quotes & Sayings

I don't need handcuffs to enslave a woman. -Ranger to Stephanie — Janet Evanovich

Were really screwed up, aren't we?"
"In a very large way. — Janet Evanovich

Last time you called me late at night you were naked and chained to your shower curtain rod. I hope this isn't going to be disappointing. — Janet Evanovich

When I was six years old I sprinkled sugar on my head, convinced myself it was pixie dust, wished myself invisible, and walked into the boys' bathroom at school. — Janet Evanovich

Does your mother know that you're carrying a gun? I'm going to tell her. I'm going to call and tell her right now.
She sent me a look of utter disgust and slammed the front door. I was 30-year-old and Mrs Morelli was going to tell my mother on me. Only in the burgh. — Janet Evanovich

He [Ranger] peeled my [Stephanie] clothes off and wrangled me into bed. And then suddenly he was inside me. He once told me that time spent with him would ruin me for all other men. When he said it, I thought it was an outrageous threat. I no longer though it outrageous. — Janet Evanovich

Honey, Half the women in NJ have sold him their cannolli -Conie to Stephanie about Joe Morelli (One for the money) — Janet Evanovich

One minute I was having a day like any other , and then Whack an this guy didn't have no head Lula Finger Lickin 15 — Janet Evanovich

Stephanie,' Valerie said. 'She's going to have a baby, and she's getting married.'
My father was confused. He looked around the room. No Joe. No Ranger. His eyes locked on Diesel. 'Not the psycho,' he said.
Diesel blew out a sigh.
My father turned to my mother. 'Get me the carving knife. Make sure it's sharp. — Janet Evanovich

Next time I fall in love it's going to be with someone who isn't an expert in fibbing."
"You're in love with me?"
"You didn't know that?"
"I did, but it's nice to hear."
"Scares the hell out of me. — Janet Evanovich

What time is it?" Lula asked. "I might need a doughnut. Is it doughnut time?"
"I'm thinking about eating healthier," I said. "More vegetables and fewer doughnuts."
"What's that about?"
"I don't know. It just came over me."
"It's a bad idea. What do I look like, Mr. Green Jeans? How would it sound if I said it's vegetable time? People would think I was a nut. Nobody gets a craving for a vegetable. And I'm the one on the diet. What am I gonna do with one carrot or one asparagus? They are not mood enhancers, if you see what I'm saying."
"I see what you're saying, but there aren't any doughnuts between here and Ernie's house."
"I guess I could wait. And maybe you're right about the healthy eating. I'm gonna get a carrot cake doughnut. — Janet Evanovich

Bob had a dog buscuit stuck to his head. "How does he always get food stuck to him?" I asked Morelli.
"I don't know," Morelli said. "It's a Bob mystery. I think stuff falls out of his mouth and he rolls in it. I'm not sure."
-Morelli And Stephanie — Janet Evanovich

Excuse me?" I said, palms down on the Formica tabletop. "Coffee? I thought we came here for pie." "I don't eat the kind of pie they serve here." I felt a flash of heat go through my stomach. I knew firsthand the kind of pie Ranger liked. — Janet Evanovich

Oh good. I love being bait for a homicidal mutilator.
Stephanie Plum — Janet Evanovich

I went to the beauty salon today and got spruced up," Grandma said. "Ever since Mildred Frick called me a slut my phone hasn't stopped ringing. I got two dates for the weekend."
"It might not be such a good thing to have men calling you because they think you're a slut," I said. "They're only going to be after one thing."
"I hope that's true. I don't want to find out I went blond and bought all them thongs for nothing. — Janet Evanovich

My mother came into the kitchen. "Whose car is that parked in front of our house?"
"That's Stephanie's new car," Grandma said. "Isn't it a pip?"
One of my mother's eyebrows raised in question. "Two new cars? Where are these cars coming from?"
"Company cars," I said.
"Oh?"
"Anal sex is not involved," I told her.
My mother and grandmother both gasped.
"Sorry," I said. "It just slipped out."
"I thought only homosexual men did anal sex," Grandma said.
"Anybody with an anus can do it," I told her.
"Hmm," she said. "I got one of them. — Janet Evanovich

Men!" I said. "You all a bunch of chauvinist morons"
Stephanie Plum - Ten Big Ones — Janet Evanovich

I don't believe this," Morelli yelled. "I don't fucking believe this. What do you do, sit in bed at night and think about ways to fuck up my life? — Janet Evanovich

You can run, but you can't hide, Cupcake." Morelli said. "I'll find you."
"You are such a cop."
"Tell me about it. — Janet Evanovich

Ranger clicked his penlight on. "Hang onto me if you can't see."
I curled my hand into the back of his cargo pants just above his gun belt. "I'm good to go."
He was still for a beat. "You could have held on to my jacket," he said.
"Would you rather I do that?"
"No. Not even a little. — Janet Evanovich

My professional aspirations were simple - I wanted to be an intergalactic princess. — Janet Evanovich

You deserved to get run over. And besides, I barely tapped you. The only reason you broke your leg was because you panicked and tripped over your own feet. — Janet Evanovich

Babe," Ranger said. "You're looking a little strung out. Is there anything I should know?"
I'm on a sugar withdrawal. I've given up desert and it's all I can think about." That had been true five minutes ago. Now that Ranger was standng in front of me I was thinking a cupcake wasn't what I actually needed.
Maybe I can help you get your mind off doughnuts," Ranger said.
My mouth dropped open, and I think some drool might have dribbled out. — Janet Evanovich

All my adult life I've hidden behind mascara. And if I'm really insecure, I add eyeliner. (Stephanie, Chapter 10) — Janet Evanovich

Lula had Eminem cranked up. He was rapping about trailer park girls and how they go round the outside, and I was wondering what the heck that meant. I'm a white girl from Trenton. I don't know these things. I need a rap
cheat sheet. — Janet Evanovich

I've noticed you only speak ghetto half of the time." - Stephanie
"I'm multi-lingual," Rancher said.
I followed him to the door, feeling jealous, wishing I knew a second language. — Janet Evanovich

Ten minutes passed before his (Ranger's) Mercedes appeared at the end of the street, gliding through the rain, sleek and sinister, water not daring to adhere to the paint finish. — Janet Evanovich

There's a small possibility that I might be a murder suspect
Stephanie — Janet Evanovich

Stephanie, I'm begging you. Eat some doughnuts. I can't keep going like this. - Morelli — Janet Evanovich

As Stephanie and Lula were going after the bad guys, Lula was making preparations from the trunk of her Firebird. Stephanie looked inside and stopped breathing for a beat. "That's a rocket launcher!" "Yep," Lula said. "It's a big boy. I got it at a yard sale in the projects. — Janet Evanovich

Thinking very often resembles napping, but the intent is different.
Stephanie Plum — Janet Evanovich

I pulled into the Grand Union parking lot and drove to the end of the mall where the bank was located. I parked at a safe distance from other cars, exited the BMW, and set the alarm.
You want me to stay with the car in case someone's riding around with a bomb in his backseat looking for a place to put it?" Lula asked.
Not necessary. Ranger says the car has sensors."
Ranger give you a car with bomb sensors? The head of the CIA don't even have a car with bomb sensors. I hear they give him a stick with a mirror on the end of it. — Janet Evanovich

The rain started a few minutes later, a fine mist at first, growing more steady as the miles flew by. The Mercedes hummed along, following the ribbon of road. The night enveloped us, the darkness broken only by the lights on the dash.
All the comforts of a womb with the technology of a jet airplane cockpit — Janet Evanovich

Stephanie Plum: Do you have your stun gun and pepper sray?
Lula: Does a chicken have a pecker? I could invade Bulgaria with the shit i've got in my handbag. — Janet Evanovich

You're a magnet for mess. I've never seen anything like it.
Lula to Stephanie — Janet Evanovich

Stephanie Plum,"I almost never shoot anyone. — Janet Evanovich

If I didn't know better, I'd think you were trying to get me drunk," I said to Ranger.
"Not drunk," Ranger said. "Just relaxed and naked. — Janet Evanovich

My mother had been slicing up the chicken. She took a drumstick and dropped it on the floor. She kicked it around a little, picked it up and put it on the edge of the plate.
"There," she said, "we'll give him this drumstick."
"Deal. — Janet Evanovich

You ever get any death threats? How about ex-husbands or ex-boyfriends? You run over anyone recently?" ~ Morelli — Janet Evanovich

Hey, look who's here!" Briggs said. "It's Aunt Stephanie." He was dressed in the tan suit, and it looked like he'd gotten a haircut. "What's with the suit?" I asked him. "I have a job interview, so Nick let me keep it a while longer. What happened with the Russian guy?" "The problem is solved." "I bet. — Janet Evanovich

It wasn't exactly that Lula was fat. It was more that she was too short for her weight. - Stephanie Plum — Janet Evanovich

These are desparate times." - Stephanie Plum — Janet Evanovich

Ranger was grinning. "Somebody beat the shit out of this guy before he got shot."
"That would be me."I said.
"Babe,"Ranger said, the grin widening. — Janet Evanovich

It was M-m-moe and Shorty," I said. "Damn, I can't stop
shaking."
"Adrenaline burn-off," Ranger said. "It's normal."
"Why aren't you sh-sh-shaking?"
"I'm not normal. — Janet Evanovich

Yeah. Almost as surprising as when you nailed me with your father's car."
In the interest of avoiding confrontation, I felt compelled to explain. I didn't feel obliged to do it convincingly. "It was an accident. My foot slipped."
"That was no accident. You jumped the goddamn curb and followed me down the sidewalk. — Janet Evanovich

Bitch, this is a gun... — Janet Evanovich

It wouldn't kill you to flirt a little, so I don't remember this assignment as totally sucking. I'm babysitting a guy who thinks he's a leprechaun, and I'm rescuing a has-been horse. The least you could do I grab my ass once in a while. — Janet Evanovich

Eleanor Krautz pushed her way through the crowd and stage-whispered to Grandma, "Who's the hottie with your granddaughter?"
"That's Ranger," Grandma stage-whispered back at Eleanor. "I don't think Stephanie knows what to do with him."
"I'd know what to do with him," Eleanor said.
"Jeez Louise," I said. "We can hear this conversation."
Ranger looked down at me. "I could make suggestions if you're really in the dark. — Janet Evanovich

I have your gun" I pulled the Ruger out of my bag and gave it to Ranger. He held the gun flat in his hand and looked at it. "It smells like orange blossoms."
"I washed it and sprayed it with air freshener"
"You washed it?"
"I wore rubber gloves and scrubbed it with my vegetable brush. It was.. icky"
He yanked open the driver's side door, pulled me out of the car, and kissed me. The kiss involved tongue, and a hand on my ass, and made my nipples tingle.
"I can always count on you to brighten my day" Ranger said.
Ranger drove off, and I got back into the Buick.
"That was hot," Lula said. "Imagine what he'd do if you washed his Glock
After Stephanie threw up on Rangers gun. — Janet Evanovich

He [Ranger] stopped in front of my parents' house, and we both looked to the door. My mother and my grandmother were standing there, watching us.
"I'm not sure I feel comfortable about the way your grandma looks at me," Ranger said.
[Stephanie] "She wants to see you naked."
"I wish you hadn't told me that, babe."
"Everyone I know wants to see you naked."
"And you?"
"Never crossed my mind." I held my breath when I said it, and I hoped God wouldn't stike me down dead for lying. — Janet Evanovich

I blink back the threat of tears, swiped at my nose and narrowed my eyes. "Listen to me, you two bags of monkey shit, "I yelled. "I am not in a good mood. My car keeps stalling. The day before yesterday I threw up on Joe Morelli. I was called a fat cow by my ex-husband. And if that isn't enough ... my hair is ORANGE! ORANGE, FOR CHRISSAKE! And now you have the gall to force yourself into my home and threaten my hamster. Well, you have gone too far. You have crossed the line! — Janet Evanovich

I had an alarm, I had nerve gas, I had a yogurt. What more could anyone want? — Janet Evanovich

Do you have someone watching her house?" (Stephanie)
"That kind of surveillance only happens in the movies. We're so underbudgeted we're one step away from
holding bake sales to pay for toilet paper. (Morelli) — Janet Evanovich

I rolled my eyes so far into the back of my head I saw myself Thinking- Stephanie Plum High Five — Janet Evanovich

There is no such thing as a good call at 7 AM. It's been my experience that all calls between the hours of 11 PM and 9 AM are disaster calls. — Janet Evanovich

If I let her in I'm doomed. It's like inviting a vampire into your house. Once you've invite them in, that's it, you're good as dead! — Janet Evanovich

Remember, so swashing anyone into the trunk of your car!"
"Sure," Lula said, "I know that — Janet Evanovich

I paused for a light at Hamilton and TWlfth and noticed the Nissan was running rough at idle. Two blocks later it backfired and stalled. I coaxed it into the center of the city. Ffft, ffft, ffft, KAPOW! Ffft, ffft, ffft, KAPOW!
A Trans Am pulled up next to me at a light. The Trans Am was filled with high school kids. One of them stuck his head out of the passenger-side window.
"Hey lady," he said. "Sounds like you got a fartmobile." I flipped him an Italian goodwill gesture and pulled the ball cap low on my forehead.
(Three to get Deadly) — Janet Evanovich

My sex life is okay."
"Yeah," Morelli said. "But sometimes it's fun to have a partner. — Janet Evanovich

She'll be back," Ranger said. "But not tonight."
[Stephanie] "How'd you get her to leave?"
"Told her I was gonna spend the next twelve hours ruining you for all other men, and so she might as well go home."
I could feel the heat rush to my face.
Ranger gave me the wolf smile. "I lied about it being tonight," he said. — Janet Evanovich

It's a penis,' Grandma said. 'Stephanie got it in the mail. It's a pretty good one too. — Janet Evanovich

Stephanie: "I have a list of Kenny's friends. I'm going to run through it."
Morelli: "Where'd you get this list?"
Stephanie: "Privileged information."
Morelli: "You broke into his apartment and stole his little black book."
Stephanie: "I didn't steal it. I copied it."
Morelli: "I don't want to here any of this. You're not carrying concealed, are you?"
Stephanie: "Who, me?"
Morelli: "Shit, I must be crazy to work with you — Janet Evanovich

You owe me!" -Stephanie
"Why do I owe you?" -Joe
"I caught your no good cousin." -Stephanie
"Yeah and in the process you burned down a funeral home, and damaged thousands of dollars of government property." -Joe
"Well if you are going to be picky about it ... " -Stephanie — Janet Evanovich

I have bad car juju."
-Stephanie Plum — Janet Evanovich

I had dinner at your parents' house three days ago and once a week is my limit. Joe to Stephanie. — Janet Evanovich

Omigod. He gave you a car?"
"He said it was an investment in our working relationship. What does that mean?"
"What kind of car is it?"
"A new Porsche."
"That's at least oral sex."
"Be serious!" I said.
"Okay, the truth is ... It's beyond oral sex. It could be, you know, butt stuff."
"I'll return the car."
"Stephanie, this is a Porsche!"
"And I think he's flirting with me, but I'm not sure. — Janet Evanovich

I ran three miles, staggered into the lobby, and took the elevator back to my apartment. No point to overdoing this exercise junk.
Stephanie Plum — Janet Evanovich

Creep" I said, cutting to the heart of the matter. - Stephanie
"Gosh, I wonder who this could be."
- Morelli
"You lied to me. I knew it too. I knew right from the beginning, you jerk."
Silence stretched taut between us, and I realized my accusation covered a lot of territory, so I narrowed the field.
"I want to knew about this big secret case you're working on, and I want to know how it ties in to Kenny Mancuso and Moogey Bues." - Stephanie
"Oh" Morelli said. "That lie " - Morelli
"Well?" - Stephanie
"I cant tell you anything about that lie" - Morelli
-Two For The Dough — Janet Evanovich

I don't need shoes. I need a night scope. You think they sell night scopes someplace here? — Janet Evanovich

One of us should stop her," Ranger said to Morelli, his eyes fixed on me.
"Not going to be me," Morelli said. "Have you ever tried to stop her from doing something she wanted to do?"
"Haven't had much success at it," Ranger said.
Morelli rocked on his heels. "One thing I've learned about Stephanie over the years, she's not good at taking orders."
"Has authority issues," Ranger said.
"And if you piss her off, she'll get even. She ran me over with her father's Buick once and broke my leg."
That got a small smile out of Ranger.
"Nice to see you boys bonding," I said. — Janet Evanovich

I almost never shoot people. — Janet Evanovich

I like the way you've let your hair go curly," he finally said. "Suits your personality. Lots of energy, not much control, sexy as hell,"
Joe Morelli to Stephanie Plum — Janet Evanovich

I was completely out of clean clothes. That meant I could be a slut and sleep naked , or I could be a slob and sleep in what I was wearing. Truth is, I'm not entirely comfortable sleeping naked. I do it from time to time, but I worry that God might be watching or that my mother might find out, and I'm pretty sure they both think nice girls should wear pyjamas to bed. — Janet Evanovich

My grandmother is a little Cuban woman who cooks all day and speaks Spanish. Your grandmother watches pay-per-view porn."
"She used to watch the Weather Channel, but she said there wasn't enough action."
-Ranger and Stephanie — Janet Evanovich

It's not a nice thing to send a penis to a woman. It's disrespectful. — Janet Evanovich

From the look on your face, I'd say you know him."
I nodded. "Sold him a cannoli when I was in high school."
Connie grunted. "Honey, half of all the women in New Jersey have sold him their cannoli — Janet Evanovich

[Stephanie] That's not the point. I can't just let monkeys loose in Trenton.
[Lula] Why not? There's all kinds of crazy shit loose in Trenton. — Janet Evanovich

[Stephanie Plum]Jeez. No True Love
[Grandma Mazur] There's always been true love, but in my day, you either talked yourself into thinking you had it, or you talked yourself into thinking you didn't need it. — Janet Evanovich

You sure you don't want to go?" Grandma Mazur asked my mother.
"I didn't know Moogey Bues," my mother told her. "I've got better things to do than to go to a viewing of a perfect stranger."
"I wouldn't go either," Grandma Mazur said, "but I'm helping Stephanie with this here manhunt. Maybe Kenny Mancuso will show up, and Stephanie will need some extra muscle. I was watching Television, and I saw how you stick your fingers in a person's eyes to slow them down."
"She's your responsibility," my mother said to me. "She sticks her fingers in anybody's eyes I'm holding you accountable. — Janet Evanovich

Joe" I said. "It's Stephanie."
"Does this involve death?"
"Not yet."
"Does this involve sex?"
"Not yet."
"I can't imagine why else you'd be calling me. — Janet Evanovich

Ranger was definitely wow. He stood half a head taller than me. He was perfectly toned muscle, and he had classic Latino good looks. He always smelled great. He dressed only in black. His eyes were dark. His hair was dark. His life was dark. Ranger had lots of secrets. — Janet Evanovich

You've been busy using your breaking and entering skills," I said.
"I just enter. I don't usually break."
"You broke down Pitch's door."
"Lost my temper."
-Ranger and Stephanie — Janet Evanovich

Babe, you've destroyed a car, burned down two buildings, stapled a guy's nuts, and you have sixteen stitches in your leg. Take a night off. Have a glass of wine, watch some television, and go to bed early.
-Ranger — Janet Evanovich

In spite of all the sparring that went on between us, I sort of liked Morelli. Good judgment told me to stand clear of him, but then I've never been a slave to good judgment. — Janet Evanovich

Maybe it was me," Grandma said."Sometimes they sneak out.Did I fart? — Janet Evanovich

[Stephanie] 'You see, Mrs. Mayer was going on about George's lodge, and how he wanted to be buried with his ring, and so Grandma had to check the ring out, and in the process broke off one of George's fingers. Turns out the finger was wax. Somehow Kenny got into the mortuary this morning, left Spiro a note, and chopped off George's finger. And then while I was at the mall tonight with Mary Lou, Kenny threatened me in the shoe department. That must have been when he put the finger in my pocket.' [Morelli] 'Have you been drinking? — Janet Evanovich

Exercise improves your sex life.
Ranger to Stephanie — Janet Evanovich

My mother slapped her forehead and rolled her eyes. Stephanie, Stephanie, Stephanie, what are you thinking of? This is no kind of work for a nice young lady. — Janet Evanovich

You know what this is?" Lula said. "This here's plane rage."
Plane rage isn't allowed. It got taken off the allowed activities list along with eating. If you make a scene they'll hual you off in leg irons." Stephanie said.
I'm tired of being stapped in here, too," Lula said. "This seat belt's too tight and it's giving me gas."
Anything else?"
There's no movie. — Janet Evanovich

This cigarette tastes like ass, she said.
I wasn't sure what ass tasted like, but she looked like she would know, so I was willing to take her word for it. — Janet Evanovich

Why do you give me cars?"
"It's fun," Ranger said."And it keeps you safe. Do you want to know why keeping you safe is important to me?"
"You love me?"
"Yes."
A sigh inadvertently escaped. "We're really screwed up, aren't we?"
"In a very large way," Ranger said. — Janet Evanovich

It was Lorraine in her nightie and Mo in his cap. They'd just settled their brains for a long winter's nap in front of the television. When out in the lot there arose such a clatter, they sprang from their recliners to see what was the matter. Away to the window they flew like a flash, tore open the blinds and threw up the sash. And what to their wondering eyes should appear, but Stephanie Plum and yet another of her cars burning front to rear. — Janet Evanovich

[Ranger] "How's your mental health?" he asked. "I heard about Soder."
[Stephanie] "I'm rattled."
"I have a cure."
Oh, boy.
He put the truck in gear and headed for the exit. "I know what you're thinking," he said. "And that wasn't where I was going. I was going to suggest work."
"I knew that."
He looked over at me and grinned. "You want me bad."
I did. God help me. — Janet Evanovich

Stephanie Plum, psycho bait. — Janet Evanovich

Look at that skirt," my mother said when she opened the door to me. "It's no wonder we have so much crime today what with these short skirts. How can you sit in a skirt like that? Everyone can see everything."
"It's two inches above my knee. It's not that short. — Janet Evanovich

You can relax. I am not here to collect on the deal"
I blinked. "You are not? Then why did you drop your gun belt?"
"I am tired. I wanted to sit and the belt is uncomfortable."
"Oh."
He smiled. "Disappointed?"
"No." Liar, liar, pants on fire. — Janet Evanovich

Your on your on with this one babe." "Coward." "Calling me names isn't going to get me in there." -Ranger and Stephanie — Janet Evanovich

Morelli grabbed the front of my shirt, pulled me to him, and kissed me.
It was a great kiss, but I didn't know what the heck it meant. It seemed to me a breaking up kiss would have had less tongue. — Janet Evanovich

I don't feel so good." Lula said. And she farted.
She squeezed her eyes shut tight and did a full minute-long fart. "Excuse me." she said.
I was horrified and impressed all at the same time. It was a record breaking fart. On my best day, I couldn't come near to farting like that. — Janet Evanovich

A uniform cordoned off the area with crime scene tape. The M.E. pulled in and parked. There were two EMT trucks idling at the edge of the lot. I'd stayed close to the back door, and one of the Rangeman guys had taken a position two feet from me, standing at parade rest. No doubt in my mind he'd take a bullet for me rather than face Ranger over a dead Stephanie. — Janet Evanovich