Jane Jameson Quotes & Sayings

Besides, my drinking blood's not nearly as weird as that time I caught you shaving your legs."
"I was curious! — Molly Harper

You are the night."
"I am the night," I repeated.
"You are the night."
I cocked my head, sending him a questioning look. "I am the night?"
"Jane!"
"Why is it that when you say my name, it sounds like a curse word? — Molly Harper

Wait, is this a nice-ish way of telling me we had sex and I was lousy? That's how you can tell I'm inexperienced? Because, if so, that's just rude. And what were you doing at Shenanigans? And how did you find me on the road?"
Gabriel looked wounded. "To answer your questions in order: The only body fluid I exchanged with you is blood
"
"That's very comforting, thank you. — Molly Harper

Dick called, but he just left dirty voice-mail messages. Let's just say if I'm ever in the market for a massage involving canola oil and marabou feathers, I'm covered. — Molly Harper

I have ways of making extra money when I need it", he said, slightly offended. "When Gilbert needed money for graduate school, I sold a kidney on the black market for tuition."
We can grow those back?" I asked.
It wasn't my kidney. — Molly Harper

He stroked a hand across my shoulders. "You know, I've never seen this agressively intellectual side of you before. It's rather disturbing and yet somehow a little sexy."
Which is pretty much how we define our relationship", I said. — Molly Harper

Wal-mart started selling "Vampire Home Defense Kits", including holy water, crosses, stakes, mallets, and a book of quick blessings to bar vampires from your door. The fact that these kits were generally useless didn't bother me nearly as much as the idea of holy water being sold at wal-mart. — Molly Harper

Are you going to answer my questions, or do I have to whack you with a stick until delicious candy surprises fall out? — Molly Harper

Some vampires wouldn't react if you shoved a rosary down their pants, though I wouldn't recommend testing the theory. — Molly Harper

The bottom line is: if you were a jerk in your original life, you're probably going to be a bigger undead jerk, If you were a decent person, say a juvenile-services librarian with a secret collection of unicorn figurines, you're probably going to be a kinder, gentler vampire. — Molly Harper

If looks could kill ... well, Dick was already dead, so nothing would happen. But Gabriel was not laughing.
"See Dick," Dick said, pointing at his chest. He then swept his hand dangerously close to mind. "Jane. Dick and Jane. Come on, you humorless jackass. That's funny. — Molly Harper

I think it would be best if you came down from there before I explained that."
"I think I'll stay right where I am, thank you," I said. "And you, you stay where you are, or I'll ... I don't know what I'll do, but it will really hurt. You, I mean. — Molly Harper

My color schemes were limited to what would go with the pewter-gray gown ... except for the bridesmaids' gowns. I'd already decided that they were going to be a distinctly nonmatchy lemon yellow that Jolene's aunt Vonnie would have to special-order. The kind of yellow one would find on takeout menus or particularly urgent Post-it notes.
In fact, if the outdoor lighting failed, we could use the color of their dresses to illuminate the ceremony.
And yes, i had to use a vendor who hated me, because Vonnie held the only pattern left in the continental United States for the "Ruffle and Dreams," the very dress I'd had to wear in Jolene's wedding. Revenge would would be mine, for a few months, until i revealed the dove-gray bridesmaids' dresses i actually planned for them to wear. — Molly Harper

Don't worry about being nervous. A lot of vampires have trouble with this from time to time. It happens to everyone."
"If I was a forty-year-old man suffering from erectile dysfunction, that would be a great comfort to me, thanks. — Molly Harper

And how is Jamie doing?"
"Fine. He seems to be spending a lot of time in the shower," I noted quietly, my voice so low that even Jamie's super hearing couldn't pick it up.
Dick chuckled, followed by Zeb and Gabriel.
"What?"
"Remember that summer I turned thirteen and my mom complained that she couldn't ever get me out of the bathroom?" Zeb asked.
"Yeah, but that's because you were-" I slapped my hand over my mouth. "Oh!"
"Welcome to the wonderful world of parenting," Zeb said. ""It's one big, horrifying miracle."
"Augh!" I grumbled. — Molly Harper

Why not? If you're not going to let me see you naked, we might as well be girlfriends."
"You're a twisted little man."
"Come on, Stretch, share with the class."
"No!" I laughed.
"Prude."
"Perv."
"Schoolmarm."
"Some other word that essentially means perv. — Molly Harper

I fixed your car," he said, tossing the keys from a jade dish on the little maple end table.
I palmed them and eyed him speculatively. "You fixed my car?"
"I have walked the earth for more than a century. I managed to pick up some skills along the way," he said, before reluctantly adding, "and one of them is finding skilled mechanics."
I smirked, leaning against the wall. "You almost had me there."
"I supervised," he insisted. — Molly Harper

I wanted to call you, but I find myself feeling ... awkward when it comes to you."
"'Awkward' is the word du jour," I agreed. "So, I make you nervous?"
"Not quite nervous," he said. "Just unsettled."
I wriggled my eyebrows and inched a little closer to him. "Unsettled, that's even better. — Molly Harper

The brain may die, but my compulsion for useless trivia lives on. — Molly Harper

Can we get a whiteboard,like on Law and Order?" Andrea asked.
Dick nodded. "I was thinking official 'Keep Jane from Being Murdered Task Force' T-shirts. — Molly Harper

Where do you even buy a black lace handkerchief? Widows R Us? — Molly Harper

Zeb was kindergarten teacher
a good one. I always thought it was because he was the same emotional age as his students. — Molly Harper

Would you kick her ass already?" Dick said, shoving me back toward Missy. "Come on, Stretch, man up. You do better than this! Get mad."
I nodded, rolling a dislocated shoulder back into place with a grunt and staggering back toward my opponent.
Behind me, Zeb yelled, "She tried to hurt Fitz!" He turned to Gabriel and Dick. "That'll get her mad."
Gabriel rolled his eyes. "She's been framed for murder twice over, shot in the back, her arms were set on fire, and her parents are being held hostage. You think tampered dog water is what's going to make her angry?"
"You tried to hurt my dog!" I wheezed as I lurched toward a grinning Missy. — Molly Harper

I always hoped for this spark of chemistry and compatibility, a flash of clarity to let me know that this was the guy, this was the time, so I should leg go and enjoy myself. But it never came. And by no small coincidence, neither did I. — Molly Harper

Idiot," I said, before grinning broadly and crushing his mouth to mine.
"We need to pick new pet names for each other," he muttered as I hefted myself up from the ground. — Molly Harper

You want to stab me again, don't you?"
He didn't look at all ashamed. "Think of it as testing the limits of your new abilities."
I groaned. "I've created a monster."
"I don't think someone who recently crawled from the grave should be throwing around labels like 'monster,'" he said, making sarcastic little air-quotes fingers.
"It wasn't a grave," I sniffed. "It was a comfy four-poster. — Molly Harper

Contrary to popular myth, werewolves myth, werewolves are born, not made. No matter how many times they bite someone, that person will not turn, though they will probably bleed profusely and will definitely be annoyed. — Molly Harper

We finally settled on Francis Ford Coppola's version of Dracula, which, unfortunately, Gabriel seemed to think was a comedy. I think it was the combination of Keanu Reeves's British accent and Gary Oldman's elderly Count Dracula hairstyle. They're just misleading. — Molly Harper

Most of the people you read about being turned meet vamps in clubs or over the Internet ... Ew, did you ... ?"
"Yes, I met a vampire on the Internet, went to his evil love den, and let him turn me, because I'm that brainless. — Molly Harper

What was that? Rich combined the pain of a crooked arm with the indignity of a flicked ear. I could only hope the situation didn't escalate to the dreaded purple nurple. — Molly Harper

Up until two years ago, I was one of the top-selling real estate agents in the tricounty area. I went to a convention in Boca Raton. I had one too many margaritas, met a tall, pale, and handsome man in the bar, and woke up a vampire."
"I was mistaken for a deer and got shot," I offered."
"Oh. — Molly Harper

My grandma Ruthie, Jettie's sister, had been married four times, so many times I started calling every old man I saw at the grocery store Grandpa. — Molly Harper

Mama operated under the assumption that I was eight years old and incapable of feeding myself. It was physically impossible for her to cross my threshold without some form of nourishment. She once offered me cheese and crackers from her while we were standing in my kitchen. — Molly Harper

I grabbed my purse, which was conveniently place by the front door. Gabriel was such a considerate abductor/host. He even left the front door unpadlocked. — Molly Harper

And soon we were just rolling around on the ground, cursing and screeching and ripping out handfuls of hair.
Without super hearing, I wouldn't have heard Zeb whisper, "This is the coolest thing I have ever seen."
"Maybe they'll get muddy," Dick said. "Please, Lord, let them get muddy. — Molly Harper

Grandma Ruthie and her sister Jettie hadn't spoken a civil word in about fifteen years. Their last exchange was Ruthie's leaning over Jettie's coffin and whispering, "If you'd married and had children, there would be more people at your funeral." Of course, at the reading of Aunt Jettie's will, Grandma Ruthie was handed an enveloped containing a carefully folded high-resolution picture of a baboon's butt. That pretty much summed up their relationship. — Molly Harper

Jane Jameson."
He grinned. "Like the porn star."
I gaped at him. "What? No, Jane Jameson."
"Oh, not as fun," he said, making disappointed clucking noises. — Molly Harper

I was just turned last week. I'm a librarian."
He stilled, as if I'd just told him I was the inventor of the tube top. "I watched a movie about a librarian once. Well, she was a librarian by day, a call girl by
"
I stopped him with a quick lift of an eyebrow. "If you finish that sentence, we cannot be friends. — Molly Harper

Leaving knots untied and scattering seeds to distract them will only work on vampires with OCD. — Molly Harper

Note to self: Try to stop reacting to surprises like a cartoon character.
Jane Jameson — Molly Harper

Trivia monologue. You are so the man for me. — Molly Harper

I am not the kind of girl who trusts a man to tell her everything she needs to know in his own due time, so I did some research on my sire. You can take the girl out of the library, but you can't take the neurotic, compulsively curious librarian out of the girl. — Molly Harper

I came home to find him propped up on a stack of pillows, sipping blood through a crazy straw (because it amused Zeb) and wearing Star Wars pajamas (because it amused Dick). — Molly Harper

I would have taken Zeb, purely for entertainment value, but he had an actual date, with a real girl. That hadn't happened in a while, so I was a good friend and put my own needs second to the possibility of him actual sex with a real girl. — Molly Harper

Get the point?" I asked, offering the boys a triumphant smile.
Gabriel, Zeb, and Dick stared at me, aghast.
"What? Sarcastic postkill comeback. Isn't that what you're supposed to do in situations like this?
Too harsh? — Molly Harper

I offered you a choice, and you took it."
I shot him what I hoped was a truly scathing glare. "Some choice. I was dying. Some drunk shot me from a pickup. Why wouldn't I have just woken up with gonorrhea like every other girl of loose moral fiber? — Molly Harper

It took me awhile to learn the rules. OK, it took the librarian in me weeks of careful obsessive research to learn the rules. There was a label maker involved. I'd rather not go into it. — Molly Harper

She's your mother. I asked, Plus, you do look a bit like her. When you're angry, you both get these tense lines around your mouth ... Look, there they are. — Molly Harper