Jack Funny Quotes & Sayings

The reason faeries don't like iron is that it ties them too strongly to this world. The Paths aren't part of this world - you can't take iron there. It won't let you.'
I frowned. "You do realize that makes no sense."
'Unlike being able to open a door in the wall and take you to another hemisphere in a matter of minutes? How odd. Everything about Faerie is usually so rational. — Kiersten White

I said, I ain't buyin' no chocolate covered cherries."
"Oh, come on. You know you want to."
D shook his head like Jack was just too much to be believed. "I do not either want to, and them candies makes me think of my grandmother, so it's real fuckin' weird that you turned 'em inta some kinda sex fantasy, okay? 'Cause then I get all mixed up in my head where I'm in my grandma's livin' room makin' Play-Doh french fries while you suck my dick and that's just ten kinds of wrong. Even I ain't that fucked up."
Jack laughed. "Not yet you aren't." He looked at D's face, smiling with him. — Jane Seville

I played upright bass. I wanted to write great tunes, play the bass, be a band leader, and smoke a big funny pipe like Charlie Mingus. So I went out and bought the pipe when I was around 18 or 19 years old. You know even women smoke a pipe in Glasgow. I worked with Carla Bley and she smoked a pipe, which I find fascinating. — Jack Bruce

If you don't mind, it doesn't matter. — Jack Benny

Being good has nothing to do with being a Boy !!. Better is the latter! — Nelson Jack

The two keys to success as a sportswriter are: 1) A blind willingness to believe anything you're told by the coaches, flacks, hustlers and other "official spokesmen" for the team-owners who provide the free booze ... and: 2) A Roget's Thesaurus, in order to avoid using the same verbs and adjectives twice in the same paragraph.
Even a sports editor, for instance, might notice something wrong with a lead that said: "The precision-jack-hammer attack of the Miami Dolphins stomped the balls off the Washington Redskins today by stomping and hammering with one precise jack-thrust after another up the middle, mixed with pinpoint-precision passes into the flat and numerous hammer-jack stomps around both ends ... — Hunter S. Thompson

Then there was the time in Hollywood when I sat down in a breakaway chair and it collapsed on me. I was nearly knocked out and might have been even more seriously hurt but my fall was broken by the smog. — Jack Paar

Of course I do, Jack! You have to beLIEve me! — Raymond Benson

Once upon a time, Jack wouldn't have been caught dead in a princess rescue. — James Riley

It's a good thing Jack was no longer in my hands, because I would've pulled a full-on Kylo Ren temper tantrum. — Rick Riordan

The only non-believer I encountered was Oscar Levant who wouldn't visit Disneyland because he said he had his own hallucinations. — Jack Paar

And I meant to tell you: that was a one-in-a-thousand shot."
She raised her hand. "Don't."
"It was awesome," George confirmed.
"It really was," Jack said. "His head exploded. — Ilona Andrews

Hello Miss," I said in a feverish manner. "I'm Jack, and of course I will muck out your horse for you." I grinned a huge dumb smile right at her. "I'm always happy to help."

She was taken aback, gazing at me confused. She wasn't sure if I was being sarcastic, or if I was just some village simpleton who always said too much. — LeeAnn Whitaker

This sausage roll only contains 2% of your daily intake of calories ... if you lick it. — Jack Whitehall

If I'm in an uncomfortable situation, I think I can say something funny to defuse it. Sometimes you can't. — Jack Whitehall

The boarding school memoir or novel is an enduring literary subgenre, from 1950s classics such as The Catcher in the Rye to Curtis Sittenfeld's Prep. Doust's recognisably Australian contribution to the genre draws on his own experiences in a West Australian boarding school in this clever, polished, detail-rich debut novel. From the opening pages, the reader is wholly transported into the head of Jack Muir, a sensitive, sharp-eyed boy from small-town WA who is constantly measured (unfavourably) against his goldenboy brother. The distinctive, masterfully inhabited adolescent narrator recalls the narrator in darkly funny coming-of-age memoir Hoi Polloi (Craig Sherborne) - as does the juxtaposition of stark naivety and carefully mined knowingness.' - Bookseller+Publisher — Jon Doust

Wait. Like an art museum, or are we talking a history museum? I could tolerate the dinosaur bones and war relics, but modern art will just give me a headache. A red dot on a white canvas isn't 'a representation of a woman's struggle in a male dominated society;' it's a red freakin' circle!" Michael and Ryan nodded their heads in agreement with Jack's artistic tirade. — Victoria Michaels

The California cemeteries make dying sound so attractive it's a real effort to keep breathing. — Jack Paar

Variety and the Hollywood Reporter, two publications read more faithfully in Hollywood than the Koran is in Mecca. — Jack Paar

Marlee has said a million times, "Wouldn't it be funny if there was a camera trained on the two of us?" because we get involved in some very interesting situations. We'll be on a plane and she gets handed a Braille menu because they think she is blind, or producers that turn to the director of a show she's on and say, "Marlee Matlin is great, but is she going to be deaf for the whole show?" She used to freak people out with the speaker phone in her car by having me sign what they were saying on the speaker phone and then she would speak herself. — Jack Jason

Jack prepared another needle with the antibiotics.
"You're not sticking me with that."
"Come on. It'll only hurt for a second, and I'll get to look under that sheet again."
"Jack, I'm not kidding. I don't like shots. Enough already."
"You need the medicine. Now gimme your cheek."
"Ha. Ha. Very funny."
She let him give her the shot and stuck her tongue out when he finished. He loved how easily she made him laugh.
"Smart ass."
"Sore ass is more like it." — Jennifer Ryan

It's funny how easy it is to point out other peoples mistakes and make our own mistakes seem insignificant. — Jack Kirby

Mmmm ... the comedy that matters is the comedy you pull out of thin air. It's a bit like when something funny has happened and you try to explain it to someone else and end up saying, 'You had to be there.' — Jack Dee

And Jack, who felt like he was on the cusp of being able to read minds and thought it would be all right if Luce wrote him down for that. ("I sense that you're okay with that, am I right?" He made a gun out of his fingers and clicked his tongue.) — Lauren Kate

Somebody had tipped the American continent like a pinball machine and all the goofballs had come rolling to LA in the southwest corner. I cried for all of us. There was no end to the American sadness and the American madness. Someday we'll all start laughing and roll on the ground when we realize how funny it's been. — Jack Kerouac

Just leave me alone, I want to be alone, she said when Jack tried to open the car door. She hit the lock, and wound the window up. Since the roof was down, it was a fairly pointless exercise. — Sarah Mayberry

I didn't mean to interupt you if you were looking for your friends Miss
'
'Callihan,' but you can call my Jasmine. Or Jas.' Or Snookums. Honeybunch. Hotsie Totsie Cowgirl. My Little
'It's nice to meet you Jasmine, I'm Jack. — Michele Jaffe

one. I need a watchman to lead me around and declare what he seeth every hour on the hour. I need a watchman to tell me this is what a man says but this is what he means, to draw a line down the middle and say here is this justice and there is that justice and make me understand the difference. I need a watchman to go forth and proclaim to them all that twenty-six years is too long to play a joke on anybody, no matter how funny it is. 14 "Aunty," said Jean Louise, when they had cleared away the rubble of the morning's devastation, "if you don't want the car I'm going around to Uncle Jack's. — Harper Lee

I hate when someone keep on asking me to guess even after I failed to crack twice! — Nelson Jack

Now I know this is going to seem counter to every instinct that you have, but I'm going to ask you to sit still, or I'll put you in the trunk. — Anna White

I've never read a review from anybody that said, "I don't want to watch this anymore because it's just too funny. I laughed too much." — Jack Kenny

Seriously, Jack, I think you might be the only guy in this city who hasn't read his stuff. Collin McCann is like the Carrie Bradshaw of Chicago men."
"You mean Terry Bradshaw," Jack corrected.
"No, Carrie," Wilkins repeated. "You know, Sarah Jessica Parker. Sex and the City."
A silence fell over the room as Collin and Jack stared at Wilkins, seriously fearing for the fate of men. — Julie James

Good." He grinned.
"I was kind of worried you'd say no. It's like so against the rules it's not even funny."
I smiled. "Well. I have to say, Jack Diamond, you've demonstrated a deplorable lack of respect for all of my rules."
He chuckled. "Never met a rule I couldn't break. — Audrey Bell

That's all right," she told him. "I can manage. I can sleep outside just fine."
Four pairs of eyes looked at her with a distinctly male skepticism. — Ilona Andrews

Son of Lady Chatterley's Lover had obvious commercial advantages (as a title for this book), but it impugned the marital status of my parents, something that enough critics were already doing. — Jack Paar

We saw Uncle Jack every Christmas, and every Christmas he yelled across the street for Miss Maudie to come marry him. Miss Mauide would yell back, "Call a little louder, Jack Finch, and they'll hear you the post office, I haven't heard you yet!" Jem and I thought this a strange way to ask for a lady's hand in marriage, but then again Uncle Jack was rather strange. — Harper Lee

Disneyland is such a big thing to Californians, I discovered that when you cross the border you have to raise your right hand and take an oath that you believe in Walt Disney. — Jack Paar

It was plain to see the Hollywood undertakers take care of everything. If you die you don't have to lift a finger. — Jack Paar

It's so funny being a Christian musician. It always scares me when people think so highly of Christian music, Contemporary Christian music especially. Because I kinda go, I know a lot of us, and we don't know jack about anything. Not that I don't want you to buy our records and come to our concerts. I sure do. But you should come for entertainment. If you really want spiritual nourishment, you should go to church ... you should read the Scriptures. — Rich Mullins

As you may or may not know, in keeping with the high-class tone of Beverly Hills, our police force is probably the most snobbish group of gendarmes in the world. It is said that the Beverly Hills Police Department is so fancy that it has an unlisted number. — Jack Benny

You know what my drink is? Jack Daniel's. Yes, that is a wild man drink. That should come with bail money, you know what I'm saying? Because on Jack, you don't know where you're going to end up, but you know when you get there, you won't be wearing any pants. — Dave Attell

I think back to some of the things Harry said and some of the things I said trying to be funny. If I said them now, it would be on the front page of every newspaper in the country. — Jack Buck

Marry me. Nay, marriage will cost us precious moments together. Let us make sweet, passionate love right here. Let me bear your children."
A primal growl signaled Miss Lynn getting over her shock at being thus addressed. She lunged forward; Jack deftly rolled off the bench, jumping up out of her reach.
"Goodness, I didn't expect you to be quite this enthusiastic about my advances. If I don't play hard to get, how will I ever know whether or not you respect me? — Kiersten White

Where'd you learn to do all these funny things?' he laughed. 'And you know I say funny but there's sumpthin so durned sensible about 'em. Here I am killin myself drivin this rig back and forth from Ohio to L.A. and I make more money than you ever had in your whole life as a hobo, but you're the one who enjoys life and not only that but you do it without workin or a whole lot of money. Now who's smart, you or me?' And he had a nice home in Ohio with wife, daughter, Christmas tree, two cars, garage, lawn, lawnmower, but he couldn't enjoy any of it because he really wasn't free. — Jack Kerouac

Oh, Jack, look how beautiful. Jack, look how darling that monkey is.

It was like going camping with Merry Little Sunshine. — Cindy Roland Anderson

Here's a six-foot-ten guy in sneakers and the lady's asking me, 'Profession?' — Jack McMahon

How long have you known me, Jack? And you still don't know how to spell my name. — Yogi Berra

I don't really think differently of making a movie for grownups or making a movie for kids, if it's boring it's boring, so you want it to be entertaining and I think funny is funny whether it's for kids or grownups, the only real difference is language. — Jack Black

I must be cheaper now than I was ten years ago in order to get a laugh. It's not funny now if I leave the table and give the waiter a nickel tip, which was a laugh years ago. Today I must maneuver it so that somehow I get the waiter to give me a nickel tip. — Jack Benny

Jack Lemmon is my best friend and he's a very wonderful actor. A very talented, very funny man. A lovely man. We're like brothers! We are gifts to each other. He's such a fun personality. There will only ever be one Jack Lemmon. — Tony Curtis

Jake eyed his brother. "I never forget. All data is stored in my memory banks. And one day, candy pig, you will pay."
"You 're such a geek."
"Thesbo."
"That's Jack's latest insult."
Seth gestured with his wine-glass. "A play on thespian, since Kev's into that."
"Rhymes with lesbo," Jake explained helpfully while Anna stifled a groan. "It's a slick way of calling him a girl. — Nora Roberts

I've endured my entire life struggling from a split personality. The problem is that the other guy, a wise guy named (Jack) ... has always been in charge. — Timothy Pina

Page 99: ... unless something changes, the future that you can expect is more of the past. Sorry or becoming committed does not make Jim Carrey a great golfer, or made Jack nicklaus funny. Recommitment does not make a person who is unsuited for a particular position suited for it all of a sudden. Promises by someone who has a history of letting you down in a relationship mean nothing certain in terms of the future. — Henry Cloud

I doubt she'll welcome you if I tell her you undressed me."
"Maybe she'll only partially welcome me."
Smart-ass. — Kresley Cole

Can I have Jake and Coke--uh, Jack and Cock — J.L. Langley

I thought you said you wre bringing a dead body in for examination. Didn't you think to check he actually was dead first?'
Gwen knew he was being sarcastic, but the tone still stung.
'Be fair, Jack,' said Owen from the doorway.'Y'know the guy had done a lot to make himself look dead: lain in a bog for forty years, decayed himself, let the worms in, shrivelled up a bit, stopped breathing, no circulation, all major organs dried up and inactive. Could've fooled anyone. — Trevor Baxendale

Although it seems shocking to say so, grief is a funny thing. On the one hand, you're numb, yet on the other, something inside is trying desperately to claw its way back to normal: to pull a funny face, to leap out like a jack-in-the-box, to say Smile, damn you, smile! — Alan Bradley

When a man goes on a date he wonders if he is going to get lucky. A woman already knows. — Frederick Bushnell "Jack" Ryder

With comedy, you have to do it right. In a drama, there's a lot of different ways to succeed in a moment. But comedy comes from reality. You can't try to be funny. — Jack Nicholson

Funny songs, that's my ticket. I can't remember when it started or why it started, it's just something that I NEEDED. — Jack Black

Hollywood, we decided, was a nice place to die, but we wouldn't want to live there. — Jack Paar

I'm a huge fan of 'Kung Fu Panda.' I honestly think that Jack Black's voice work in 'Kung Fu Panda' is the best voice work that's ever been done. He's so funny, and it's such an endearing character. It really is great. — John Requa

The heavy eyelids snapped open. Jack froze.
A huge gold-and-amber eye, as big as a dinner plater, stared at him. The dark pupil shrank, focusing.
Jack stood very still.
The colossal head turned, the scaled lip only three feet from Jack. The golden eyes gazed at him, wirling with fiery color.
Jack breathed in tiny, shallow breaths.
Dont blink. Don't blink ...
Two gusts of wind erutped from the wyvern's nostrils Jack jumped straight up, bounced off the ground into another jump, and scrambled up the nearest tree.
In the clearing, Gaston bent over, guffawing like an idiot.
'It's not funny! — Ilona Andrews

Again, this week as I walked on Broadway, in front of giant photographs of voluptuous supermodels at a Victoria Secret mega-store, who was rebuilding the sidewalks? With sweaty headbands, ripped-up jeans, and dust on their brown faces? Their muscled hands quivered as they worked the jack-hammers and lugged the concrete chunks into dump trucks. Two men from Guanajuato. Undocumented workers. They both shook my hand vigorously, as if they were relieved I wasn't an INS officer.
I imagined how much money Victoria Secret was making off these poor bastards. I wondered why passersby didn't see what was in front of their faces. We use these workers. We profit from them. In the shadows, they work to the bone, for pennies. And it's so easy to blame them for everything and nothing simply because they are powerless, and dark-skinned,and speak with funny accents. Illegal is illegal. It is a phrase, shallow and cruel, that should prompt any decent American to burn with anger. — Sergio Troncoso

Poor examples because of mechanical needs of typing, of the flow of river sounds, words, dark, leading to the future and attesting to the madness, hollowness, ring and roar of my mind which blessed or unblessed is where trees sing
in a funny wind
well-being believes he'll go to heaven
a word to the wise is enough
'Smart went Crazy — Jack Kerouac

Jack the Hellhound: "Make sure you get a booth in the back so they don't see you in assassin-gear and more importantly, to keep the handsome dog hidden."
Robert Knight: "Where's the handsome dog? All I see is an ugly mutt!"
Jack the Hellhound: "You're so funny I'm busting a gut. — Ben Garvey

[Lizzie Bennington to a reporter who has asked for her opinion about Jack Archer's celebrated thighs.] When you come back from a set down and bring the match to a final set tiebreak and are a point away from winning the match, only to have what looks like an extremely fit player call a time out because of a cramp and then watch that player sit back and casually converse and laugh while you do your best to keep your mental focus and your body moving so you don't grow cold and cramp yourself, I hardly think you'd concern yourself with his burgeoning manhood, let alone his thighs! — A.G. Starling

"Repeat that?"
"It's National Talk Like a Pirate Day. Didn't you know?"
"Somehow I missed the memo."
"You mean, 'Somehow I missed the memo, arrr!'"
"Precisely. Arr. So, Mrs. Jack ... Er, is that still your name? Or, I tremble to ask, have you adopted a pirate identity?"
"Arr, matey, of course I have! It's ... " She pulled an eggplant from the grocery bag. "Captain Eggplantier." She needed to stop speaking the first words that popped into her mind.
"Captain Eggplanteir." He sounded very doubtful.
"That's right. A family name. It's Belgian. — Shannon Hale

I am not showing off. I am just being expressive! — Nelson Jack

I always thought of this as God's country. — Jack Granatstein

How now, my sweet creature of bombast! How long is't ago, Jack, since thou saw'st thien own knee? — William Shakespeare

Unbelievable," I said in disgust.
"What's unbelievable?"
"Your ego. It's surrounded by its own cloud of antimatter. You're a black hole of ... of hubris!"
Jack stared at me through the shadows, and then he averted his face, and I thought I saw the white flash of a grin.
"Are you amused?" I demanded. "What the hell is so funny?"
"I was just thinking if the sex with you is one-tenth as fun as arguing with you, I'll be one happy bastard."
"You'll never find out. You - "
He kissed me. — Lisa Kleypas

Me personally, I don't have anything against Jesus any more than I do any of the religious icons. I think they're all pretty funny. — Jack Black

Back in the '70s, like one of my favorite movies ever was 'The Bad News Bears', and that was a kids' movie, but I don't think of it that way. I think of it as just a great movie because Walter Matthau was so funny and so harsh with those kids. — Jack Black

There's probably no one who understands Method acting better academically than I do, or actually uses it more in his work. But it's funny - nobody really sees that. It's perception versus reality, I suppose. — Jack Nicholson

I've never laughed a woman into bed, but I've laughed one out of bed many times. — Jack Whitehall

Buddha is pretty funny. Buddha is the coolest, though. If I had to go with one, I'd probably party with the Buddha. — Jack Black

It's funny because when you do become successful, you're forced to look backwards and try to crawl back into the womb where you first started to create. — Jack White

I'm not blond or super fit or perfect. Not romantic, not "an individual," and definitely not a genius. So what am I? I'll tell you what : a bridesmaid. — Tamara Summers

I remember I prayed to God. I was like, "Just let me be on TV." Let my friends see me on TV in a good thing. I like, if I'm funny a little bit on a commercial and then I don't need to act ever again. "Just let them see me." And then it worked. I got the commercial. I was on TV. My friends all saw me. I was a kind of a star at school for like three days. And then it faded away and I was hungry and I had to like make another deal with God. I remember it still. — Jack Black

I don't deserve this award, but I have arthritis and I don't deserve that either. — Jack Benny

Give me golf clubs, fresh air and a beautiful partner, and you can keep the clubs and the fresh air. — Jack Benny

Such disappointments, betrayals and reconciliations were the stuff of married life, but she and Jack had gone through them before the wedding. Now, at least, she felt confident that she knew him. Nothing was likely to surprise her. It was a funny way to do things, but it might be better than making your vows first and getting to know your spouse afterward. — Ken Follett

If trees could scream, would we be so cavalier about cutting them down? We might, if they screamed all the time, for no good reason. — Jack Handy

Seeing his daughter slowly die, coupled with his infinite sadness and misery, the clockmaker becomes a recluse to the tower of the castle and begins to build something behind closed doors, not even his daughter knows what he's up to. For five years, she only sees him briefly at meal-times before locking himself up in the tower once again..."

"...Did he have a bathroom in the tower?"

"Yes, Jack. A big one! En-suite! Power-shower and spa! Where was I!? — Jonathan Dunne

You're nasty and you're loud,
you're mean enough for two,
If I could be a cloud,
I'd rain all day on you. — Jack Prelutsky

At the beginning of 'Will and Grace', I played Jack as the funny next-door-neighbor type, as we've seen in the past. And I thought that was my role. — Sean Hayes

We were ensconced as guests of the exclusive Beverly Hilton Hotel, an edifice so swank that the fire ax in the hall outside our suite said: "In case of fire-break crystal." — Jack Paar

Jack Black is so funny! On and off screen, like, he would make you laugh every day. He's hilarious. — Caitlin Hale

Watney entered the hack earlier today, and we confirmed it worked. We updated Pathfinder's OS without any problems. We sent the rover patch, which Pathfinder rebroadcast. Once Watney executes the patch and reboots the rover, we should get a connection." "Jesus, what a complicated process," Venkat said. "Try updating a Linux server sometime," Jack said. After a moment of silence, Tim said, "You know he was telling a joke, right? That was supposed to be funny." "Oh," said Venkat. "I'm a physics guy, not a computer guy." "He's not funny to computer guys, either. — Andy Weir

Jackson asked, "Where'd the water come from in your house?"
"A pipe." Then he explained to Jackson, "Water travels in pipes. — Kresley Cole

There are two kinds of jokes - funny jokes and Jack Benny jokes. — Fred Allen

It is funny that some of must not only get our bearings but must also know all the details of the world before we venture out into it. — Jack Henry Abbott

Imperfects are funny, lovable and perfect to be happy. Perfects are appreciated and left alone everytime!!!. — Nelson Jack

The world now lacks a " Sir Pom-pom", with all his funny ways! I wonder where he is now? Or is he anywhere at all? Can someone be nowhere? — Jack Vance

One night I realized that when you give people understanding and encouragement a funny little meek childish look abashes their eyes, no matter what they've been doing they weren't sure it was right - lambies all over the world. — Jack Kerouac

Oh, you wanna do a little bit of roleplay? Could you just play dead? — Jack Whitehall

I can go for a week without a guitar, but it's not even funny if I don't get to surf for a month. — Jack Johnson

The Lion King? It's just a kid's film.

Just a kid's film?!? Yeah, just a kid's film with an IMDB rating of 8.5, 2 Academy Awards and 2 Golden Globes, that's been adapted into THE most successful West-end musical of all time, generating a gross profit of 8 million pounds and counting. "But maybe it's just a kid's film because it doesn't deal with any mature films" said fucking nobody ever. The Lion King is the greatest anthropomorphic assault upon the theme of mortality that Western culture has ever produced. It is so complex that your tiny, shriveled, and scrotum of a brain wouldn't dare to fathom it. So no, it is not just a kid's film, it is Shakespear with fur! — Jack Whitehall

Doode," George said.
He'd practiced all morning but still didn't get it quite right. "Nope, more u, less oo. Duuude."
"Dude."
"Dude."
"Okay, dude." George nodded.
"How's it hanging?" Jack asked.
"How am I supposed to answer that?" George looked at him.
"I don't think Kaldar said anything about that. I guess 'good'? I don't get it. What's hanging anyway?"
George shook his head. "Your stuff, you nimwit."
His stuff ... Oh. Ha! "In that case, it's hanging long!" Jack dissolved in giggles. "Long, get it? — Ilona Andrews