Izzard Quotes & Sayings

Cos people think I'm on drugs and I'm not. I'm really quite ... Just a bit of coffee. When I take drugs I start going, Oh, would you like insurance? — Eddie Izzard

This is a world that's big enough for everyone. I like that message in that comes out of John Lasseter, and it comes out Pixar, it comes out of the Apple, Google, the Ben and Jerry's thing. These are American companies that send that message around that is good, that is healthy. And everyone goes, "That's the America I always believed in before Watergate." — Eddie Izzard

My stand-up is quite good now, people say. It's just like a big conversation each time. Every gig is a rehearsal. — Eddie Izzard

Queen Victoria, one of our more frumpy Queen's. They're all frumpy aren't they? Because it's a bad idea when cousin's marry. — Eddie Izzard

They're not women's clothes. They're my clothes. I bought them. — Eddie Izzard

The Death Star is just full of British actors opening doors and going,Oh ... I ... oh ... What is it Lieutenant Sebastian? It's just the Rebels, sir ... they're here. My God, man! Do they want tea? No, I think they're after something a bit more than that, sir. I don't know what it is, but they've brought a flag. Damn, that's dash cunning of them. — Eddie Izzard

I definitely have breast envy. When teenage girls were saying 'I wish I had breasts', I was thinking the same thing. — Eddie Izzard

You notice how they always put the fruit and veg at the entrance to the supermarket? You go in thinking 'this is a fresh shop, everything in here is FRESH! I will do well to shop here'.
You never go straight to the bit with the toilet paper, loo brushes and such do you? You'd think 'this is a POO shop! Everything in here is themed on POO! — Eddie Izzard

I saw something in a program on something in Miami, and they were saying, "We've redecorated this building to how it looked over 50 years ago!" And people were going, "No, surely not, no. No one was alive then." — Eddie Izzard

And then earlier than that there were the crusades. The crusades were totally fucked. Richard the Lionheart, who had the heart of a lion as well as his own. He ripped it out of the lion, and the lion was left with a bicycle pump and not much to do. — Eddie Izzard

You piss me off you Salmon ... You're too expensive in restaurants. — Eddie Izzard

The bottom line of comedy is to be funny, and the bottom line of drama is to be truthful. You can be truthful and funny, but if you're not truthful in a drama than the audience leaves you. — Eddie Izzard

I'm an Action Transvestite — Eddie Izzard

They tend to come out a colour called 'Pants left in wash' — Eddie Izzard

In stand-up it really helps to play yourself and talk about your own feelings. You cannot fail to be original if you're just talking about what you think about X, Y and Z. Unless you've got a twin brother who's also a stand-up. — Eddie Izzard

Have you got a flag? — Eddie Izzard

This is your captain speaking. Welcome aboard flight ... one, from ... here to there. We'll be cruising at a height of ten feet, going up to twelve and a half feet if we see anything big. And our copilot today is a flask of coffee. — Eddie Izzard

What was the first cat that talked a human into putting a cat door in? — Eddie Izzard

Someone's killed 100,000 people. We're almost going, "Well done! You killed 100,000 people? You must get up very early in the morning! I can't even get down the gym. Your diary must look odd: 'Get up in the morning, death, death, death, death, death, death, death - lunch - death, death, death - afternoon tea - death, death, death - quick shower ... ' " — Eddie Izzard

Sharks are just evil bastards. I'm quite happy if all the sharks just went, because they eat fish and us. And we need the fish. — Eddie Izzard

Two languages in one brain? No one can live at that speed! — Eddie Izzard

We must have been hunters and gatherers but some of us were just waiters and hopers. — Eddie Izzard

There's not much makeup in the army, is there? No. They only have that nighttime look, and that's a bit slapdash, isn't it? — Eddie Izzard

They say the Universe started with a big bang. I hope everybody stood well back. — Eddie Izzard

I'd be happy to be taken as a woman - and that's what I was initially trying to do when I started throwing on dresses and stuff. But that wasn't going to happen because everyone kept calling me sir. So I thought I'd change the method and just start wearing what I wanted to wear. — Eddie Izzard

If you're choking in a restaurant you can just say the magic words, 'Heimlich maneuver,' and all will be well. Trouble is, it's difficult to say 'Heimlich maneuver' when you're choking to death. — Eddie Izzard

Cake and tea or death? — Eddie Izzard

I think I'm actually a mainstream, popcorn-eating kid. I've always been that, so I'd sit there watching action movies and American moves before I watch other movies quite often because I am that kid. But I've pushed into the more alternative area because that's where it gets really interesting creatively. — Eddie Izzard

If you go down as a comedian's comedian, that's basically meaning other comedians are hopefully feeling that you're doing okay. — Eddie Izzard

San Francisco! City of dreaming spires, people live here ... Golden Gate Bridge, ahh the Romans came here. — Eddie Izzard

Drag for me is costume, and what I'm trying to do is, sometimes I'll go around and wear makeup in the streets, turn up to the gig, take the makeup off, do the show, and then put the makeup back on. It's the inverse of drag. It's not about artifice. It's about me just expressing myself. So when I'm campaigning in London for politics, I campaign with makeup on and the nails. It's just what I have on, like any woman. — Eddie Izzard

Fox hunting, there's big fox hunting thing, there's arguments in Britain about fox hunting. And they go around. They obviously hunt foxes because the foxes, they attack chickens. And posh people have an alliance with chickens just like in the First World War. — Eddie Izzard

Scrabble was invented by Nazis to piss off kids with dyslexia. — Eddie Izzard

But puberty was ... well, before puberty, at school, I didn't tell kids I was a transvestite 'cause I thought they might kill me with sticks, you know? — Eddie Izzard

If you get anything creative going, then the work and play thing is the same thing, I feel. — Eddie Izzard

I wanna live 'til I die, no more, no less. — Eddie Izzard

Read the dictionary from A to Izzard today.
Get a vocabulary. Brush up on your diction.
See whether wisdom is just a lot of language. — Carl Sandburg

Charles Darwin wrote a famous book in 18 gibberish. And that book was an interesting book, cuz it was called "Monkey-Monkey-Monkey-Monkey-Monkey-Monkey-You" — Eddie Izzard

I grew up in Europe, where the history comes from. — Eddie Izzard

If you get too well-known in comedy, I do believe it blocks people from taking you in drama. — Eddie Izzard

Before birds get sucked into jet engines, do they ever think, Is that Rod Stewart in first class? — Eddie Izzard

I'm covered in bees! — Eddie Izzard

My dad said, "As long as you're happy." I used to think it was kind of a very simple idea or philosophy because he wasn't religious. But you've got to try and be happy. And if you're not happy, you can't help anyone else. So obviously, some crazy people could go to places, but I just think you need to be content within yourself, so that's the thing. — Eddie Izzard

I'm an action transvestite really, so it's running, jumping, climbing trees putting on make-up when you're up there! — Eddie Izzard

My Gran said put a thimble on your finger and it helps you in case you slip with the needle and it goes up, into the brain, and death. — Eddie Izzard

When I watched Braveheart I was in tears and I was rooting for the Scottish people — Eddie Izzard

Cause if you're a transvestite, you're actually a male tomboy, that's where the sexuality is. Yeah, it's not drag queen, no; gay men have got that covered. This is male tomboy, and people do get that mixed up, they put transvestite there - no no no no! Little bit of a crowbar separation, thank you! And gay men, I think, would agree. It's male lesbian, that's really where it is, ok? Because ... it's true! 'Cause most transvestites fancy girls, fancy women. So that's where it is. — Eddie Izzard

I am someone who's very positive about business, as a social Democrat. I do like the safety net of the welfare system and people setting things and creating business, and that's what I try to do with my own work: export it around the world from the U.K. — Eddie Izzard

I don't believe in God. I believe gods and devils are within us. It's our own battle. Our life's battle is to appeal to the gods within us, and to fight the devils within us. — Eddie Izzard

Danger could be my middle name ... But it's John. — Eddie Izzard

I'm into humanity. I don't believe in God, but I believe in human beings. — Eddie Izzard

When you're more mature, you do start telling the truth, in odd situations. 'I'm sorry, I've broken a glass here. Is that expensive? I'll pay for it. I'm sorry.' And you do that so that people in the room might go, 'What a strong personality that person has. I like to have sex with people with strong personalities.' — Eddie Izzard

I've wiped the file? ... I've wiped all the files? ... I've wiped the INTERNET? I don't even have a modem! — Eddie Izzard

I am two lesbians in a man's body. — Eddie Izzard

I want to live till I die. No more, no less. — Eddie Izzard

But with dogs, we do have "bad dog." Bad dog exists. "Bad dog! Bad dog! Stole a biscuit, bad dog!" The dog is saying, "Who are you to judge me? You human beings who've had genocide, war against people of different creeds, colors, religions, and I stole a biscuit?! Is that a crime? People of the world!"
"Well, if you put it that way, I think you've got a point. Have another biscuit, sorry. — Eddie Izzard

America is the new Roman Empire. Remember what happened to Rome. — Eddie Izzard

Honey bees are amazing creatures. I mean, think about it, do earwigs make chutney? — Eddie Izzard

So then there was the Greek, Socrates, he was great ... He invented questioning. Before Socrates, no questioning. Everyone sort of went, 'Yeah, I suppose so. — Eddie Izzard

I wear whatever I want whenever I want. I don't call it drag; I don't even call it cross-dressing. It's just wearing a dress. — Eddie Izzard

I like my coffee like I like my women. In a plastic cup. — Eddie Izzard

Poetry is very similar to music, only less notes and more words. — Eddie Izzard

He [Charlie Chaplin] was always playing as if it were to the camera, if you've seen the live shots of him when he's going to an opening night or something like that. And the skills that he had were beyond my ability to throw together. You just couldn't really compete with him. He was too athletic at that. — Eddie Izzard

I felt audiences are happier to take comedy people who play darker people because there's a link between the psychosis of comedy and the psychosis of being a twisted character. — Eddie Izzard

I mean, sometimes ... a comedian becomes an actor, and they just don't deliver, because the bottom line of comedy is to be funny, and the bottom line of acting is to be truthful, and they get that mixed up sometimes, or don't even notice that that's the thing. — Eddie Izzard

You have the American dream! The dream is to be born in a gutter and grow up, and then get all the money in the world and stick it in your ears and go THBBBBBT. — Eddie Izzard

I had the luxury of knowing what I wanted to do. So I just sat on the bed and came up with a plan for myself:
"I have to go to the Edinburgh Fringe. But I don't have the confidence to do a production there because I've never gone before, and I don't even know how to get there or what to do once I get there. So I will just act as if I do have the confidence to go to the Edinburgh Fringe. I'll just borrow confidence from a future version of myself. Once I've been to the Edinburgh Fringe and performed a show there, then I will have the confidence to go to the Edinburgh Fringe. I will go to the bank manager of confidence (in some part of my brain) and I will borrow that confidence from the future, and then I can wear it like a cloak, and I will talk to everyone with this confidence."
It was out there as a concept, but it worked. — Eddie Izzard

What have you been reading, The Gospel according to St. Bastard?! — Eddie Izzard

Performance enhancing drugs are banned in the Olympics. OK, we can swing with that. But performance 'debilitating' drugs should not be banned. Smoke a joint and win the 100 metres, fair play for you. That's pretty good. Unless someone's dangling a Mars bar off in the distance. — Eddie Izzard

All humans can do more than they think they can do. So I think we can all actually be more superhuman than we think we can. — Eddie Izzard

If you can be your own force of nature and have a positive heart, then you can actually do something good in the world. — Eddie Izzard

My wife and I take what we call our Friday comedy day off. We watch standup comics on TV. The raunchier the better. We love Eddie Izzard. — Gene Hackman

Puberty is the sickest joke God plays on us. So you're just noticing members of the sex: "Girls girls, ooo". Naturally you want to look your best, and God says "No! You will look the worst you've ever looked in your life!" — Eddie Izzard

I don't know what it's like in the U.S. but immigrants in the U.K. do the jobs the citizens won't do. — Eddie Izzard

Comedy is a great weapon of attack. It's not a great weapon of support. — Eddie Izzard

When you're coming out, you have to deal with the whole world saying 'Oh! You're an abominable snowman'. — Eddie Izzard

The Pope is guarded by the Swiss guard who stand proudly in pajamas and silly hats. — Eddie Izzard

It's my manifest destiny to wear a skirt in all countries. — Eddie Izzard

I don't subscribe to the theory that all politicians are crap. I think the 'cool people' often take that position. — Eddie Izzard

We will now sing forth, hymn 405, 'Oh God, what on earth is my hairdo all about? — Eddie Izzard

Cats have a scam going - you buy the food, they eat the food, they go away; that's the deal. — Eddie Izzard

I'm working on a speed boat at the moment. Much more exciting. It'll really kick ass, give great photographs for the people in Bible. — Eddie Izzard

I've done a bit of Latin in my time ... but I can control it. — Eddie Izzard

I am a professional transvestite, so I can run about in heels and not fall over. Cause if a woman falls over wearing heels, that's embarrassing. But if a bloke falls over wearing heels, you have to kill yourself. It's the end of your life. — Eddie Izzard

There's two positions in snowboarding. One is looking cool and the other is DEAD! — Eddie Izzard

Makeup's just crazy, anyways. Native Americans used to wear it, and it did all right for them until, uh ... well, until you killed them all, I suppose. — Eddie Izzard

Everyone gets cards at the beginning of life. I am transgender, I decided to be honest and tell everyone about it, and that's it. — Eddie Izzard

You have no control over your cat! You can't say to your cat, Cat, heel! Stay! Wait! Lie down! Roll over! 'Cause the cat's just gonna be sitting there going, Interesting words ... have you finished? While you're shouting all this to your cat, your dog's next to you, going ... What the hell are you doing? I'm talking to the cat! Oh, I'm sorry! — Eddie Izzard

And the National Rifle Association says that, "Guns don't kill people, people do," but I think the gun helps, you know? I think it helps. I just think just standing there going, "Bang!"
"That's not going to kill too many people, is it? You'd have to be really dodgy on the heart to have that ... — Eddie Izzard

I just play to progressive audiences. You know, if they're watching Discovery Channel, History Channel, that kind of thing, "Monty Python" have already laid the groundwork. They're known around the world. People like that kind of surrealist, left-field humor, and that's what I do. And "Saturday Night Live," a lot of American humor. "The Simpsons," above all, the weird, left-field humor, which I love. And sardonic. So that's all I'm doing. I find that audience, and they're in every developed country around the world. — Eddie Izzard

Eddie Izzard is wonderful, I think, but I've only seen that one HBO special he did. He's one of the few people who talk about stuff other than girlfriends and relationships and flatulence and genitalia. There are very few of them who actually talk about real stuff. — Tom Lehrer

If you commit perjury I don't care. Don't give a shit. I don't think you should because you grade murder. You have murder One. Murder Two. You realize that there can be a difference in the level of murder.
So there must be a difference in the level of perjury. Perjury One is when you're saying there's no Holocaust when, you know, 10 million people have died in it, and Perjury Nine, is when you said you shagged someone and you didn't. — Eddie Izzard

We stole countries with the cunning use of flags. Just sail around the world and stick a flag in. "I claim India for Britain!" They're going "You can't claim us, we live here! Five hundred million of us!" "Do you have a flag ... ? "No ... " "Well, if you don't have a flag, then you can't have a country. Those are the rules ... that I just made up! — Eddie Izzard

They say that 'Guns don't kill people, people kill people.' Well I think the gun helps. If you just stood there and yelled BANG, I don't think you'd kill too many people. — Eddie Izzard

Squirrels always eat nuts with two hands, always two hands, "arararar", and occasionally, they stop and go, oh, uh, ah, as if they're going, "Did I leave the gas on? No! I'm, no I'm a fucking squirrel!" And occasionally they go, "Fucking nuts! Fed up with them always. I long for a grapefruit. — Eddie Izzard

Horseshoes are lucky. Horses have four bits of lucky nailed to their feet. They should be the luckiest animals in the world. They should rule the country. They should win all their horse races, at least. 'In the fifth race today, every single horse was first equal ... one horse threw a shoe came in third ... the duck was ninth ... and five ran.' — Eddie Izzard

I knew I couldn't do what Eddie Izzard does, so I just tried to write some stories that were based, or partly based, on my own experiences. — Deirdre O'Kane

There was no religion in my life growing up. Did God invent us or did we invent God? — Eddie Izzard

In Britain we have a very powerful tabloid culture with celebrities on the front page crying with their make-up smeared and tears, and it's kind of what you'd expect from someone who likes to dress up that way. — Eddie Izzard

I use a Bruce Lee technique: 'The way of no way.' He had the idea that he would learn everything, so that whoever he had to fight, he could improvise anything. The best way of starting a gig is just to not think of anything - to clear your mind, not in an empty Zen state, but more just to go on and see where you go. — Eddie Izzard