Inventing Humor Quotes & Sayings

NASA spent millions of dollars inventing the ball-point pen so they could write in space. The Russians took a pencil. — Will Chabot

Western doctors are like poor plumbers. They treat a splashing tube by cleaning up the water. These plumbers are extremely apt at drying up the water, constantly inventing new, expensive, and refined methods of drying up water. Somebody should teach them how to close the tap. — Denis Parsons Burkitt

It doesn't matter if they hate you, or embarrass you, or simply don't appreciate your genius for inventing the internet-"
"You invented the internet?"
It was my idea, Martha said.
Rats are delicious, George said.
"It was my idea!" Hermes said. "I mean the internet, not the rats. But that's not the point. — Rick Riordan

So Isis shows up in Byblos like "Hey queen my husband is embedded in your palace may I please extract him?"
And the queen is like "sure, go ahead. It's not like he's a major structural support or anything, right?" and Isis is like "haha, sucker".
And she goes and removes the pillar WITHOUT DAMAGING THE PALACE AT ALL
Thus inventing Jenga. — Cory O'Brien

Never let us be discouraged with ourselves. It is not when we are conscious of our faults that we are the most wicked; on the contrary, we are less so. We see by a brighter light; and let us remember for our consolation, that we never perceive our sins till we begin to cure them. — Francois Fenelon

All they expect from you is your best effort. These Marines think that they are special. They are very well trained, very close knit, and they don't like outsiders. If you want their respect, you will have to earn it. — Bruce H. Norton

If I wanted to get my arms as big as I could possibly get them, I would probably do around 20 sets of 4 exercises and 5 sets each for the triceps and 20 sets for the biceps per workout 3 times a week. That would be around 60 sets of triceps and 60 sets of biceps work per week. I would keep the reps between 6 and 8 and I would do all basic movements where I'd handle as heavy a weight as possible. I'd consume nutritious food that had calories in and just flat out eat! — Bill Pearl

This also is a part of the teaching of the Church, that there are certain angels of God, and certain good influences, which are His servants in accomplishing the salvation of men. — Origen

I want my audience to be my friends - that is when they will get the best comedy. If they see me as a performer, they won't get the best show. — Trevor Noah

Our agitation, you know, helps keep yours alive in the rank and file. — Wendell Phillips

Lovers should guard their strangeness. If they forgive too much, all slides into confusion and meanness. — Ralph Waldo Emerson

Name the greatest of all inventors. Accident. — Mark Twain

For very long periods I am really patient, and then out breaks my bad temper. It is not so difficult to bear great trials, but these little buzzing mosquitos are so trying. — Robert Alexander

I think there's no greater joy than completing a song out of thin air. It's like inventing something, but it's invisible, you know? It's weird. It amazes me. You can send it out in the world, and that's the joy. It's like giving birth to all these songs and letting them go like they're your kids. — Jason Mraz

Over the past couple of months, Chantel had become a pro at leading book discussions and inventing fun games and trivia questions that all related to that particular month's book selection. Although, last month's theme, dystopian and the book selection "Matched" by Allie Condie, had the retirement home director a little concerned when everyone wanted to stop taking their medications. Not... a good... thing! — JoJo Sutis

Now, I did know a certain young lady of the 'romantic' generation of not so long ago who, after being mysteriously in love for several years with a certain gentleman whom she could have married at any time without the least difficulty, suddenly broke off their relationship, inventing for herself all manner of insurmountable obstacles, and one stormy night plunged from a high, precipitous cliff into a fairly deep and fast-flowing river, where she perished from her own caprice solely through her attempt to imitate Shakespeare's Ophelia, for, had the precipice, which she had long before singled out and been compulsively drawn to, been less picturesque, and had there been only a prosaically flat bank in its stead, perhaps there would have been no suicide at all. — Fyodor Dostoyevsky

Nature has no originality
I mean, no large ability in the matter of inventing new things, new ideas, new stage effects. She has a superb and amazing and infinitely varied equipment of old ones, but she never adds to them. She repeats
repeats
repeats
repeats. Examine your memory and your experience; you will find it is true. — Mark Twain

All illegal narcotics are medicinal. Boredom is a disease worse than cancer. Drugs cure it, with little or no side effects if used as directed. Life's temporary for a reason, it gets boring after awhile. You should be inventing new drugs is what you should be doing! Newer, crazier drugs ... and more holes, that's what you ladies need! — Doug Stanhope

And you cannot have a socialist revolution commandeered from the top, ordered around by some omniscient leader or group of leaders. — Ernest Mandel

Rational self-interest is always what morality boils down to. — Rebecca Goldstein

Is it not the play of the mind we are after? Is it not that that shows a mind is there at all? — Charles Olson

YOU HAVE NOT BECAUSE YOU ASKED NOT — Kevan L. Waiters

I think one of the big questions for many [Bernie] Sanders supporters is, are [Hillary Clinton's] words and what's written in paper going to actually come to pass when she is elected president? That's, I think, the greatest worry for many Sanders supporters. — Jonathan Tasini

If someone wants to employ me, whoever wants to employ me, I'll go and do that. I just want to work. — Matthew Lewis

Same-sex marriage would eliminate entirely in law the basic idea of a mother and a father for every child. It would create a society which deliberately chooses to deprive a child of either a mother or a father. — Keith O'Brien