Insult Humor Quotes & Sayings

To insult someone we call him 'bestial'. For deliberate cruelty and nature, 'human' might be the greater insult. — Isaac Asimov

Let the doors be shut upon him, that he may play the
fool no where but in's own house. — William Shakespeare

I'm a savant when it comes to character judgment," he tells her. "For instance, most people wouldn't see anything in you besides attitude and a need for stronger deodorant, but I think you can handle the storks almost as well as Connor handled the Graveyard."
Bam gives him a halfhearted glare. "Can you ever give a compliment without also making it an insult?"
"No," he admits. "Not possible. It's the essence of my charm. — Neal Shusterman

Ha! Don't you know that writers are control freaks? We make our characters dance to our own weird tunes. That's half the fun."

She angled his head ever so slowly to the right. "What's the other half?" Just as the position became uncomfortable, she reversed the motion.

"Rewriting," he said. "You know how you think of a brilliant response to an insult six hours later when it's utterly useless? A writer has a time machine. I can go back to the moment the insult was hurled and parry it with my slow but rapier-sharp wit."

"Relax. I've got you," she said, rotating his head gently to the right. "I guess us nonwriters think you just sit down at your computer and the book comes out the way we read it."

"We foster that myth. It makes us seem more like creative geniuses and less like mere craftsmen. — Nancy Herkness

Words cannot express my disappointment that I must pass on the invitation to once again witness your gelatinous buttocks swaying as you try to climb a greased pole naked in search of athletic glory. Sadly, the last occasion on which I witnessed this event had a deleterious effect on my psyche for which I am still seeking the attention of a therapist.
A.C. Kemp as Lady Arabella Snark — A.C. Kemp

She is a peacock in everything but beauty! — Oscar Wilde

I did not attend his funeral, but I sent a nice letter saying I approved of it. — Mark Twain

The first indication of menopause is a broken thermostat. It's either that or your weight. In any case, if you don't do something, you could be dead by August.
God, middle age is an unending insult. — Dorothea Benton Frank

Puta, really, that's the best insult you got? I've been called the Whore of Babylon on national TV; puta just doesn't quite cut it. — Laurell K. Hamilton

Oral Roberts is a greed-crazed white-trash lunatic who should have been hung upside down from a telephone pole on the outskirts of Tulsa 44 years ago, before he somehow transmogrified into the money-sucking animal that he became when he discovered television. — Hunter S. Thompson

*Appendix usually means "small outgrowth from large intestine," but in this case it means "additional information accompanying main text." Or are those really the same things? Think carefully before you insult this book. — Pseudonymous Bosch

The chapters on whaling in MOBY DICK can be omitted by all but the most punishment-loving readers. — William Goldman

I take that back. Saying you fight like a girl is an insult to girls everywhere. — Wesley Chu

He had just about enough intelligence to open his mouth when he wanted to eat, but certainly no more. — P.G. Wodehouse

I've seen more intelligence in the crotch lice of harem whores. — Christopher Moore

I swear, talking to you is like talking to a really good-looking and mildly stupid brick wall. — Derek Landy

Listen up, Mount High-Hair," Gustav barked. "Say what you want about me, but lay off the rest of the team. I've been through a lot of stuff with these people. Nobody can tell me that Fancy Dancer and Lady Slick-Pants aren't heroes. Captain Gloom-Cape over there, too. And even Shrimp Charming has his moments."
Briar leaned back in her chair. "I admire your ability to insult your friends *while* you defend them. It's a rare talent. — Christopher Healy

Insult is powerful. Insult begets both rage and humor and often at the same time. — Suzanne Fields

Every instinct that is found in any man is in all men. The strength of the emotion may not be so overpowering, the barriers against possession not so insurmountable, the urge to accomplish the desire less keen. With some, inhibitions and urges may be neutralized by other tendencies. But with every being the primal emotions are there. All men have an emotion to kill; when they strongly dislike some one they involuntarily wish he was dead. I have never killed any one, but I have read some obituary notices with great satisfaction. — Clarence Darrow

Hertzfeld recalled that Gates just sat there coolly, looking at Steve in the eye, before hurling back, in his squeaky voice, what became a classic zinger. Well, Steve, I think there's more than one way of looking at it, I think it's more like we both had this rich neighbor named Xerox and I broke into his house to steal the TV set and found out that you had already stolen it. — Walter Isaacson

To call it helmet hair was an insult to my helmet. — Jessica Fortunato

She filed the image away as an excellent and insulting question to ask the earl at an utterly inappropriate future moment. — Gail Carriger

I'm calm," Rachel insisted. "Every time I'm around you, some monsters attack us. What's to be nervous about?"
"Look," I said. "I'm sorry about the band room. I hope they didn't kick you our or anything."
"Nah. They asked me a lot of questions about you. I played dumb."
"Was it hard?" Annabeth asked. — Rick Riordan

Leo lowered his screwdriver. He looked at the ceiling and shook his head like, What am I gonna do with this guy?
"I try very hard to be annoying," Leo said. "Don't insult my ability to annoy. And how am I supposed to resent you if you go apologizing? I'm a lowly mechanic. You're like the prince of the sky, son of the Lord of the Universe. I'm supposed to resent you."
"Lord of the Universe?" (Jason)
"Sure, you're all-bam! Lightning man. And 'Watch me fly. I am the eagle that soars-" (Leo)
"Shut up, Valdez." (Jason)
Leo managed a little smile. "Yeah, see. I do annoy you."
"I apologize for apologizing." (Jason)
"Thank you." He went back to work, but the tension had eased between them. Leo still looked sad and exhausted-just not quite so angry. — Rick Riordan

Come, come," I said. "You may be a lord someday, but you aren't one yet. No need for the courtly manners, and certainly not the moody temper. If you're to be my escort tonight, I insist you be a cheery one. You can even insult me if you like. It always makes you feel better. — Julie Berry

I AM NOT PAYING FOR SOME CRACKPOT OLD FOOL TO TEACH HIM MAGIC TRICKS!" yelled Uncle Vernon. Hagrid seized his pink umbrella and whirled it over his head "NEVER -" he thundered "- INSULT -ALBUS -DUMBLEDORE - IN - FRONT - OF - ME! — J.K. Rowling

Beauty is only skin deep, but ugly goes clean to the bone. — Dorothy Parker

He was a six and a half foot scowl.
(on Rachmaninov) — Igor Stravinsky

I decided that being called "crazy" by a man was not an insult but a challenge. It gives the woman an opportunity to say, "Crazy? Oh, I'll show you fucking crazy. — Alana Massey

If I were you,
And you were I,
I would kill myself,
But you would die! — Bruce Jennings

I think this man might actually possess supernatural powers. He makes people lose their minds and I'm sure some of them do lose bladder control as well."
"I see. And who is this author"
"Neil Fucking Gaiman."
"His second name is Fucking?"
"No Leif that's the honorary second name all celebrities are given by their fans. It's not an insult it's a huge compliment and he's earned it. — Kevin Hearne

You'd have to take your shoes and breeches off to count to twenty-one! — Scott Lynch

Forks are absurd, he scoffed. They insult your food. They make it think you're killing it twice. — Clare B. Dunkle

- Where is Polonius?
- In heaven; send hither to see: if your messenger find him not there, seek him i' the other place yourself. — William Shakespeare

I'm a whitebread cracker. That's my favorite white person slur: "whitebread". The other day, someone came up to me and said, "What's up, whitebread?" And I was like, "That's not even an insult. That's just my race plus a food. I can do that, too, black bean soup! Stay out of this, Asian chicken platter!" — Mike Birbiglia

You know when you mix butt and Angel in the same sentence, it becomes an insult," I say and take a big gulp from the can. With his back to me, he says, "Trust me, I would never dream of insulting your butt. I'm sure it's better than anything I'm cooking out here. — Rucy Ban

To call that writing, madam, is an insult to quills and ink across the world. — Julia Quinn

Not everyone can look past an insult and continue to work with the person who slights them — Jean Johnson

She sighed, annoyed at her restlessness. "So," she said, disrupting Wolf in another backward glance.
"Who would win in a fight - you or a pack of wolves?"
He frowned at her, all seriousness. "Depends," he said, slowly, like he was trying to figure out her motive for asking. "How big is the pack?"
"I don't know, what's normal? Six?"
"I could win against six," he said. "Any more than that and it could be a close call."
Scarlet smirked. "You're not in danger of low self-esteem, at least."
"What do you mean?"
"Nothing at all." She kicked a stone from their path. "How about you and ... a lion?"
"A cat? Don't insult me."
She laughed, the sound sharp and surprising. "How about a bear?"
"Why, do you see one out there?"
"Not yet, but I want to be prepared in case I have to rescue you."
The smile she'd been waiting for warmed his face, a glint of white teeth flashing. "I'm not sure. I've never had to fight a bear before. — Marissa Meyer

You have the Midas touch. Everything you touch turns to a muffler. — Henny Youngman

You look lousy,"Simon said.
Jace blinked."Seems an odd time to start an insult contest,but if you insist,I could probably think up something good — Cassandra Clare

That caravan looks as if it's all Vorin. Also, you look a little spindly for a Horneater."
"Did you just insult the princess's weight?" Tyn asked, aghast.
Storms! She was good. She actually managed to produce angerspren with the remark.
Well, nothing to do but soldier on.
"I am offend!" Shallan yelled.
"You have offended Her Highness again!"
"Very offend!"
"You'd better apologize."
"No apologize!" Shallan declared. "Boots! — Brandon Sanderson

If all the girls attending [the Yale prom] were laid end to end, I wouldn't be at all surprised. — Dorothy Parker

She runs the gamut of emotions from A to B. — Dorothy Parker

You're so full of crap, you could pass for a toilet. — Kami Garcia

Percy, you are dismissed from my service."
"Me? Why, my lord?"
"Why? Because, Percy, far from being a fit consort for a prince of the realm, you would bore the leggings off a village idiot. You ride a horse rather less well than another horse would. Your brain would make a grain of sand look large and ungainly, and the part of you that can't be mentioned, I am reliably informed by women around the court, wouldn't be worth mentioning even if it could be. If you put on a floppy hat and a funny codpiece, you might just get by as a fool, but since you wouldn't know a joke if it got up and gave you a haircut, I doubt it. That's why you're dismissed."
"Oh, I see."
"And as for you, Baldrick ... "
"Yes."
"You're out, too. — Richard Curtis

All Bach's last movements are like the running of a sewing machine.
(on Bach) — Arnold Bax

He would make a good lamp post if he'd weather better and didn't have to eat. — Kurt Vonnegut

Stacey: "I'm surprised you haven't thrown me out."
Comfort: "At your current weight, I'd need some sort of catapult. — Kristin Hannah

No, no, you twit, move towards the well-hung male of the species! It's only natural; you don't want to insult Mother Nature. Go claim your mate. — Jenna McCormick

May the IRS find that you deduct your pet sheep as an entertainment expense. — Christopher Moore

Are you that afraid of being wrong? One would assume you'd be accustomed to it by now."
He grunted. "Be careful, girl. You wouldn't want to accidentally insult a man."
"The last thing I'd want to do is accidentally insult you, Vathah," Shallan said. "To think that I
couldn't manage it on purpose if I wanted! — Brandon Sanderson

To speak much is one thing; to speak to the point another! — Sophocles

The musical equivalent of St Pancras Station.
(on Elgar) — Thomas Beecham

The only process you've mastered is the process of elimination, and the only reason you've mastered that is because you can do it in the toilet. — Orson Scott Card

You're so far off base this time you can't even see the base! — Eileen Wilks

Dumb as he looked, he never missed an insult.
Dr. Rowan musing about Simple Silas — Ava Gray

I can only assume," said Jace, "that mortal emotions amuse you because you have none of your own. — Cassandra Clare

What are you doing here, anyway? You don't strike me as the speed dating type.'
'I lost a bet with Alfie,' he says. 'You met him at The Cow that day . . .?' Waistcoat Guy, I think, nodding. 'I said to him that if you didn't text me back then I'd try speed dating, because I'm officially the worst single man in London.'
'You're not!' I say. 'I mean, it wasn't a bad date. I was just . . .'
'Don't say you were drunk! It's the biggest post-sex insult ever.'
'. . . drunk, I mean drinking, a bit more than I ought, and I was, uh, cringing at the thought that I'd been a nightmare date.'
'No. You were great,' says Mark/Skinny Jeans.
'Actually, the biggest post-sex insult is "we did?"' says Robert. 'But that's another story. — Gemma Burgess

That woman speaks eighteen languages, and can't say 'No' in any of them. — Dorothy Parker

Husband?"
"Aye. Husband."
"The slow-witted one that's been following you? I thought he
was your servant. — G.A. Aiken

Hey, look - your girlfriend is saying something.
Artemis had a vast mental reserve of scathing comebacks at his disposal, but none of them covered girlfriend insults. He wasn't even sure if it was an insult. And if it was, who was being insulted? Him or the girl? — Eoin Colfer

You couldn't find your dick in the dark, you scheming, sleaze-mongering scumwad. — Nenia Campbell

It means that you two, precious father and son, would be a pair of knaves if you had sense enough; but, failing in that, you are only a pair of fools! — E.D.E.N. Southworth

8:58 We go to McDonald's. The woman in front of me in line spends more than five seconds contemplating her order. This infuriates me, WHAT ARE YOU LOOKING FOR?? MC-SEABASS?? IT'S THE GODDAMN MCDONALDS'S MENU, IT'S BEEN THE SAME FOR TEN YEARS! IT'S ALL MCSHIT!JUST ORDER! — Tucker Max

CASSIO: Dost thou hear, my honest friend?
CLOWN: No, I hear not your honest friend, I hear you.
CASSIO: Prithee, keep up thy quillets. — William Shakespeare

It is customary, in England at least, for Coroners' courts to give the verdict 'Suicide while the balance of his mind was disturbed'. This insult automatically puts the victim in the wrong and reassures Society that all is for the best in the best of all possible worlds. Have you ever noticed that Socialist governments have a particular horror of the individual's suicide? It is a direct criticism of their basic tenets. — Nanavira Thera

They don't hardly make 'em like him any more - but just to be on the
safe side, he should be castrated anyway. — Hunter S. Thompson

I like your opera - I think I will set it to music — Ludwig Van Beethoven

Anyone looking at you would write you off as a brainless nincompoop with about as much intelligence as a dead rabbit. — P.G. Wodehouse

An interesting difference between African-American humor and Jewish humor, in it's kind of basic or maybe most austere type form is, African-American humor, some of it comes out of playing the dozens in which you insult the other person or insult the other person's mother, and so much of Jewish humor is like, you're insulting yourself. It's totally self-deprecating. — Terry Gross

You look lousy,' he said.
Jace blinked. 'Seems an odd time to start an insult contest, but if you insist, I could probably think up something good.'
'No I mean it. You don't look good.'
'This is from a guy ho has all the sex appeal of a penguin. Look, I realize you may be jealous that the good Lord didn't deal you the same chiseled hand he dealt me, but that's no reason to-'
'I am not trying to insult you.' Simon snapped. — Cassandra Clare

She's the kind of girl who climbed the ladder of success wrong by wrong. — Mae West

This guy was making me tired. "Thanks for the afternoon's entertainment," I said. "I'll flush a copy of my bill down the toilet. You should be getting it in a couple of days. — John Swartzwelder

A knight can fight. As you well know, I fight about as well as a pillow."
"That's an insult to pillows. At least they can take a beating. — Eli Brown

Every Forsaken in a mile radius can probably hear you. You're just asking for trouble if you two don't stop whipping out the measuring stick."
"It's his fault," Avery snaps, pointing at Julian.
"Shut up, ya wanker."
They start in on each other again. They yell as if they both have megaphones to their mouths, standing inches apart. Each vulgar insult is more illogical than the last. — Laura Kreitzer

When a man's knowledge is deep, he speaks well of an enemy. Instead of seeking revenge, he extends unexpected generosity. He turns insult into humor, ... and astonishes his adversary who finds no reason not to trust him. — Baltasar Gracian

So, sweeting, why were you threatening to throw Tate out of the house? What did he say?"
Leather brushed her chin as he tipped it up. Serious dark eyes met hers. "What did he say?"
She glanced around; surely the footmen were too far away to hear. "He wanted to join us in our bed."
"I'll run him through."
"No! Perhaps he only said it to goad you into a duel. Perhaps it was intended as a way to kill you."
"It was an insult to you, love. That can't be ignored."
"And so you rush inexorably toward death. I don't care if he stands on a Drury Lane stage and calls me a courtesan, I won't have you risking your life. — Sharon Page

If I say you're a goatherd's son, you say, 'Yes, Lord Ralon.'"
Alanna gasped with fury. "I'd as soon kiss a pig! Is that what you've been doing-kissing pigs? Or being kissed? — Tamora Pierce

So since we've clearly created a monster, which of us is Dr. Frankenstein, and who gets to be Igor?" I asked, hoping to inject a little levity.
"I'm definitely the doctor. He had the nicer ass."
"I hate to be a bubble burster, but you're a disembodied AI; you don't have an ass."
"I have since I met you."
"Aw. And you do have quite a mainframe on you." I realized after saying it how weird that was, since technically her mainframe was my mainframe, and I really didn't want to dwell on how incestuous that was. "But what if I'm not ready to be a father?"
"Well, you're already a bother, so all you'd really need to do is give an F."
"That was low, and given how terrible my standards are, you should recognize what kind of an insult that really is."
"Don't be a jerk. It's unbecoming."
"Well, apparently I'm becoming a jerk. Were you expecting a pumpkin? — Nicolas Wilson

Ivan gabbled something in Shu that I didn't understand. The giant just laughed.
"You speak Shu like a tourist," he said. — Leigh Bardugo

An old battleax of a woman said to Winston Churchill, "If you were my husband I would put poison in your tea." Churchill's response, "Ma'am if you were my wife I would drink it. — Winston S. Churchill

Mr. Schmidt had screamed at me in New York: LOSER! You English Loser ... I suppose he thought it was the most grievous insult he could hurl. But such a curse doesn't really have any effect on an English person - or a European - it seems to me. We know we're all going to lose in the end so it is deprived of any force as a slur. But not in the USA. Perhaps this is the great difference between the two worlds, this concept of Loserdom. In the New World it is the ultimate mark of shame - in the Old it prompts only a wry sympathy. — William Boyd

I used to think the world was broken down by tribes,' I said. 'By Black and White. By Indian and White. But I know this isn't true. The world is only broken into two tribes: the people who are assholes and the people who are not. — Sherman Alexie

I'm creating a self help show called Self Talk. I'll insult myself for an hour then open phone lines to a fitness coach & my mother-in-law. — Ryan Lilly

There's a reason straight men call us 'cocksuckers'. I've just never understood why it's considered an insult. — B. Snow

DESDEMONA: I hope my noble lord esteems me honest.
OTHELLO: Oh, ay, as summer flies are in the shambles,
That quicken even with blowing. O thou weed,
Who art so lovely fair and smell'st so sweet
That the sense aches at thee, would thou hadst ne'er been born!
DESDEMONA: Alas, what ignorant sin have I committed?
OTHELLO: Was this fair paper, this most goodly book,
Made to write "whore" upon? — William Shakespeare

I cannot say your worships have delivered the matter well when I find the ass in compound with the major part of your syllables [ ... ] our very priests must become mockers if they shall encounter such ridiculous subjects as you are. When you speak best unto the purpose, it is not worth the wagging of your beards, and your beards deserve not so honorable a grave as to stuff a botcher's cushion or to be entombed in an ass's packsaddle [ ... ] more of your conversation would infect my brain, being the herdsmen of the beastly plebeians. I will be bold to take my leave with you. — William Shakespeare

Next time I see you, remind me not to talk to you. — Groucho Marx

I refuse to put God into a little box I can handle, for that would insult us both. — L.M. Fields

Tell this guy to eat a hundred-calorie pack of dicks. — Jenny Mollen