Inspirational Funny Quotes & Sayings

Boredom can be a lethal thing on a small island. — Christopher Moore

Good things come to those who hustle — Chuck Noll

I try to stick to a vegan diet heavy on fruit and vegetables. — Clint Eastwood

Graduating from the School of Hard Knocks doesn't always get you to Fort Knox. — Edward Harris

We cry when something is sad. Then we often shed a tear when something's beautiful as well. When something's funny or ugly, we laugh. Perhaps we are sad when something is beautiful because we know that it won't last for ever. Then, we start laughing when something is ugly because we understand that it's only a joke. — Jostein Gaarder

And there's no "I love you" message because Steve Ovett has married the girl — David Coleman

Life is strange and funny with many winding roads ahead ... but the roads of greed and hypocrisy will lead to a person's downfall each and every time. — Timothy Pina

Pastors are starting to get wily. When people tell my friend, 'I'm not being fed,' he replies, 'I'm prefectly happy to spoon feed my one-year-old. But if I'm still spoon-feeding him when he's five, we've got a problem. Here's a fork. Feed yourself. — Jon Acuff

The rest of the world lives to eat, while I eat to live. — Socrates

And I don't have to hold on with anything more than my toes — N.D. Wilson

My new years resolution? I will be less laz ... — Jim Gaffigan

Everyone always says to me, 'Why aren't there more people of color on television?' I'm like, 'Why don't you ask a bunch of people who aren't putting people of color on television why there aren't more people of color on television?' — Shonda Rhimes

It was not so very long ago that people thought that semiconductors were part-time orchestra leaders and microchips were very small snack foods. — Geraldine Ferraro

Britain's last gold medal was a bronze in 1952 in Helsinki — Nigel Starmer-Smith

The virtuous will be sure to speak uprightly; but those whose speech is upright may not be virtuous. — Confucius

Hey, people who travel with their bed pillow. You look insane. — Jim Gaffigan

How can I have morning sickness when I don't get up till noon? — Rita Rudner

Let your food be your medicine, and your medicine be your food. — Hippocrates

Funny thing about guilt: There's nothing so bad that you can't add a little guilt to it and make it worse; and there's nothing so good you can't add guilt to it and make it better. Guilt distracts us from a greater truth: we have an inherent ability to heal. We seem intent on living through even the worst heartbreak... How? ... Practice. — C. Jay Cox

The thing is, Fallon ... I told you before to lock the door if you wanted me to stay out. Funny thing is ... " I leaned in. "You. Never. Did. — Penelope Douglas

And with alphabetical irony Nigeria follows New Zealand — David Coleman

Manners without sincerity, is called polite society — Josh Stern

People say there's delays on flights. Delays, really? New York to California in five hours, that used to take 30 years, a bunch of people used to die on the way there, have a baby, you would end up with a whole different group of people by the time you got there. Now you watch a movie and [go to the toilet] and you're home. — Louis C.K.

She hasn't run faster than herself before — Zola Budd

Never give up on your aspirations. Sometimes life is funny and can get in the way with simple distractions, but don't let that stop you. If you have a dream, then go for it. You have the power to make it manifest itself into something fantastic, so mesmerizing that it has the possibility to astonish even the most daring of minds. Dream on and make it a reality. — Sheila Renee Parker

What I remember most clearly is how it felt. I'd just finished painting a red fire engine-like the one I often walked past near my grandparents' house. Suddenly the teachers, whose names I've long forgotten, closed in on my desk. They seemed unusually impressed, and my still dripping fire engine was immediately and ceremoniously pinned up. I don't know what they might have said, but their unexpected attention and having something I'd made given a place of honor on the wall created an overwhelming and totally unfamiliar sense of pride inside me. I loved that feeling, and I wanted to feel it again and again. That desire, I suppose, was the beginning of my career.
I have no idea where my fire engine painting ended up, but I never forgot the basic layout. Several decades later, it served as the inspiration for this sketch for an illustration in a book called Why the chicken crossed the Road. — David Macaulay

When anybody laughs, he has no mind, no thought, no problem, no suffering. — H.W.L. Poonja

These motivational tapes have really inspired me! I'm going to make a million dollars, buy my own company and retire early. Then, I'm going to write a novel and a symphony and give all the profits to charity. Then next month, I'll figure out how to do it. — Randy Glasbergen

Don't take life too seriously. — RuPaul

Men hunt I think maybe because they have something wrong with their own equipment and they need something else to shoot. — Pamela Anderson

The art of living. Isn't that a funny expression? — Anne Frank

When I was a little girl I used to read fairy tales. In fairy tales you meet Prince Charming and he's everything you ever wanted. In fairy tales the bad guy is very easy to spot. The bad guy is always wearing a black cape so you always know who he is. Then you grow up and you realize that Prince Charming is not as easy to find as you thought. You realize the bad guy is not wearing a black cape and he's not easy to spot; he's really funny, and he makes you laugh, and he has perfect hair. — Taylor Swift

The full area of ignorance is not mapped. We are at present only exploring the fringes. — John Desmond Bernal

He who laughs ... lasts. — Erma Bombeck

People are giving birth underwater now. They say it's less traumatic for the baby because it's under water. But it's certainly more traumatic for the other people in the pool. — Elayne Boosler

And the mile once again becomes the focal point where it's always been — Ron Pickering

It cannot be when the root is neglected that what springs from it will be well ordered. — Confucius

To truly fail in life is to never try. When you fall on your face, it is an opportunity for you to find the road again. It may remind you how hard the road is, but you will never forget its presence once you make contact. — H.L. Stephens

The Republic-of-China - back in the Olympic Games for the first time — David Coleman

You put a baby in a crib with an apple and a rabbit. If it eats the rabbit and plays with the apple, I'll buy you a new car. — Harvey Diamond

Funny, how one good cookie could calm the mind and even elevate a troubled soul. — Dean Koontz

During a photo-call with fellow Olympic gold medallist Duncan Goodhew- Pity Steve Ovett didn't show up. Then we could have had the good, the bald and the ugly. — Daley Thompson

The path may not be left for an instant. If it could be left, it would not be the path. — Confucius

[My mother] really was an extraordinary, inspirational, tough, cool, sexy, funny woman. And that's the kind of woman I've always surrounded myself with, my friends and particularly my wife, who is not only smarter than and stronger than I am, but occasionally taller, too. I think it also goes back to my father and my stepfather, because they prized wit and resolve in the women they were with above all things and they were among the rare men who understood that recognising someone else's power doesn't diminish your own. — Joss Whedon

I will survive, jackoffs. Just watch me. — Kirstin Cronn-Mills

When you're out of willpower you call on stubbornness, that's the trick. — Henri Matisse

What they saw was a hero baby. That's what you are. A survivor. A strong woman. Beautiful... Funny as hell... Sexy... Sweet... — Lucian Bane

Funny to think that every day you have ever lived is a yesterday, and you will never live one single tomorrow. But then again, every day is a today when you're living it. — Mik Everett

An artist should paint from the heart, and not always what people expect. Predictability often leads to the dullest work, in my opinion, and we have been bored stiff long enough I think. — E.A. Bucchianeri

I didn't want women to walk out of the dressing rooms feeling depressed and wanting a cocktail. — Sara Blakely

[Writing about themselves] gives them wings, so that they can rise above the confounding maze of their lives and, from that perspective, begin to see the patterns and dead ends of their pasts, and a way out. That's the funny thing about mazes; what's baffling on the ground begins to make sense when you can begin to rise above it, the better to understand your history and fix yourself. — Wally Lamb

We can beat our swords into plowshares, and we can beat our plowshares into swords, but as far as computers go, a hammer can only change the shape of the junk, not it's function. — Jury Nel

Behind every good decathlete, there's a good doctor. — Bill Toomey

When someone says, "I want a programming language in which I need only say what I want done," give him a lollipop. — Alan Perlis

Learn, as if never overtaking your object, and yet as if apprehensive of losing it. — Confucius

It's funny how, in this journey of life, even though we may begin at different times and places, our paths cross with others so that we may share our love, compassion, observations, and hope. This is a design of God that I appreciate and cherish. — Steve Maraboli

It's hard to take over the world when you sleep 20 hours a day. — Darby Conley

When the silent majority opens its mouth, it is usually to yawn. — Gerd De Ley

It's not whether you win or lose - but whether I win or lose. — Sandy Lyle

When you are courting a nice girl an hour seems like a second. — Albert Einstein

A good time for laughing is when you can. — Jessamyn West

People with virtue must speak out; People who speak are not all virtuous. — Confucius

The poor Sufi dressed in rags walked into a jewelry store owned by a rich merchant and asked him, "Do you know how you're going to die." And the Sufi said, "I do.""How?" asked the merchant.
And the Sufi lay down, crossed his arms, said, "Like this," and died, whereupon the merchant promptly gave up his store to live a life of poverty in pursuit of the kind of spiritual wealth the dead Sufi had acquired. — John Green

We drink to those who love us, we drink to those who don't. We drink to those who fuck us, and fuck those who don't! — Tamsyn Bester

If you were not cast into the abyss, you would have never groped, reached as far as you could reach, to grasp for anything that you could possibly touch, anything that you could possibly feel brushing against your fingertips! Funny how in the darkness, we come to find the things that we never saw before all the lights departed! It's like someone needed to turn the lights out, to make us find all the things that we never looked for when the lights were on! And it's in that blackness that we wake up to the true light! My friends, curse not the darkness! It has given you many things! — C. JoyBell C.

Laughing, how can you fall asleep? It brings a state of no-mind and no-thought, and does not allow you to fall asleep. — Rajneesh

If debugging is the process of removing software bugs, then programming must be the process of putting them in. — Edsger Dijkstra

Excessive animal protein is at the core of many chronic diseases. — T. Colin Campbell

Most people's major life changes don't come from reading an article in the newspaper; they come from reading longer-form essays or thoughtful books, which are much more convincing and detailed. — Aaron Swartz

As a woman, I know you're young but you gotta hear it now,the most valuable part about you is your brain. Get an education,don't let anybody tell you that your body or the size that you wear or any of that bullshit matters because it doesn't. Your brain matters, so be the smart girl in the room because to be funny you have to be smart, because you have to get the joke — Sophia Bush

I don't want to hear what anyone has to say about my life. Living it is hard enough. — C.D. Reiss

Funny how people don't really see each other. Men and women. They invent each other in their minds and then they see what they invent.They don't really see each other. Now she was in love with him and she didn't even know his real name, didn't know anything real about him. — Andrew Klavan

Today I plan to smile a lot, only so people who know me will be freaked the fuck out. — R.D. Ronald

I'm a big health food freak and a vegetarian devotee. — Chelsea Clinton

There is a story I always tell my students ... when I came for the 1st time to the US. I didn't speak English (Only Spanish) & I saw on every door the word "exit" which in Spanish means Success = Exito. And then I said :"No wonder Americans are winners ,every door they open leads to success — Pablo

I don't even pretend to believe I know everything; I just believe in arguments God told me I had a pretty good chance of winning, while I was traveling through hell. — Shannon L. Alder

Hope implies that you think you have a chance at something. — Richelle Mead

Even a stopped clock is right twice every day. After some years, it can boast of a long series of successes. — Marie Von Ebner-Eschenbach

When a female cop pull you over for speeding, to get out of the ticket, talk nice to her, try to flirt or start crying, i bet she will save the ticket for you. — Werley Nortreus

Man is born for uprightness. If a man lose his uprightness and yet live, his escape from death is mere good fortune. — Confucius

A man always blames the woman who fools him. In the same way he blames the door he walks into in the dark. — H.L. Mencken

A skeptic is a person who, when he sees the handwriting on the wall, claims it is a forgery. — Morris Bender

The first rule of baseball is to get a good ball to hit. — Rogers Hornsby

It's funny when so many people I meet tell me that I'm a complicated and mysterious person they can't understand. The problem isn't in me but in them. When I say something, I do it. The problem is that they don't believe I will, and they don't believe anyone can do what I say I will. That's their confusion. But actually, I'm a simple person, as I always match my own words. That's how you must see it. Just cut through "common sense" and move forward, and achieve! Let others worry about the how. — Robin Sacredfire

The Kenyans haven't done much in the last two games, in fact they haven't competed since 1972 — Brendan Foster

A Penny Saved is a Penny Earned — Benjamin Franklin

My pen.' Funny, I wrote that without noticing. 'The torch', 'the paper', but 'my pen'. That shows what writing means to me, I guess. My pen is a pipe from my heart to the paper. It's about the most important thing I own. — John Marsden

Mary Decker Slaney, the world greatest front runner, I shouldn't be surprised to see her at the front — Ron Pickering

We all obsess about what we are doing and accomplishing. What if we let it go and simply made the way we live our lives our accomplishment? — Maria Shriver

Life is tough enough without having someone kick you from the inside. — Rita Rudner

A peacock that rests on his feathers is just another turkey. — Dolly Parton

The moment someone says, 'Hey, everyone, listen to the words in this song,' your party is over. — Amy Sedaris

I'm saving my sick days for when I'm feeling better. — Salma Hayek

Sometimes you just gotta wear the tinfoil hat. — Gary Hopkins

I have only one heart to give and one mind to lose. May I someday find a woman who will take them both. — Michael W. Grimard

Cram nailed his colours to the mast and threw down the Great Pretender — Ron Pickering

I don't think about it in terms of being a woman. Being gracious, attentive, curious, interested are requirements for everyone. — Jenna Lyons

It's hard enough to find an error in your code when you're looking for it; it's even harder when you've assumed your code is error-free. — Steve McConnell

I had no intention of becoming a comedian. I just wanted to make people happy. I tried everything-I shucked oysters, I painted houses, I sold vacuum cleaners. But there was always a voice saying, You should be doing something different. And it was usually my boss and I was being fired. — Ellen DeGeneres

For it is written that if the wise man appears always stupid, his failures do not disappoint, and his success gives pleasant surprise. — Christopher Moore