Iliza Quotes & Sayings

I am by nature a dealer in words, and words are the most powerful drug known to humanity. — Rudyard Kipling

It feels amazing to just be here and be able to share my jokes with the world. It's not so much about being a girl, it's about being a funny comic. — Iliza Shlesinger

God's provision is timely. — Lailah Gifty Akita

Ladies, just know that when you grow your hair too long, you got about two inches difference between really hot, sexy supermodel - religious fanatic. Hot Maxim cover girl everybody wants a mouth kiss - unhealthy faith in your lord. Soft, silky, shiny hair everyone wants to touch - one of 12 brides. — Iliza Shlesinger

If I did things for the money, I'd have done adverts in the 1980s, when I was hot enough to be offered them, and 'Police Academy 6,' which I was asked to write. — Ben Elton

The only reason people work for airlines is because the Nazi party is no longer hiring. — Iliza Shlesinger

Everyone has their personal topics. My comedy has always been very strong on observational humor, it stems from what I see every day in my life. — Iliza Shlesinger

There will always be hard times. Use adversity to fuel your fire. In high school, I wanted to play quarterback but couldn't until I was a senior. I played wide receiver instead, and this ultimately helped me because I learned more about the game. — Ben Roethlisberger

I wasn't a 'hot chick' in high school. I was 'funny' and a tomboy and probably a little uncomfortable with my amazing boobs. — Iliza Shlesinger

He saw that there was something alive in it, and went near enough to read a sign that said, TWO DEADLY ENEMIES. HAVE A LOOK FREE. There was a black bear about four feet long and very thin, resting on the floor of the cage; his back was spotted with bird lime that had been shot down on him by a small chicken hawk sitting on a perch in the upper part of the same apartment. Mose of the hawk's tail was gone; the bear only had one eye. — Flannery O'Connor

I was in New York last Christmas - it's snowing; there's a guy in a t-shirt. I'm like, 'Dude, aren't you cold?' 'No, I'm from New York. I don't get cold.' Just 'cause you're from a cold place doesn't mean you're genetically predisposed to not feeling cold. You're not a penguin. I was like, 'In fact, sir, you're Puerto Rican, so if anything, you should be more cold. — Iliza Shlesinger

I have a healthy body, free of the chemicals that once controlled it. — Lorna Luft

It said, 'War Is Not the Answer.' I disagree. I think war absolutely is the answer. And if you don't agree with me, happy Fourth of July. — Iliza Shlesinger

Nobody ever recommended or even desired that I be a novelist - in fact, some tried to stop me. I had the idea to be one, and that's what I did. — Haruki Murakami

When you get off stage, the audience should know a little bit about you. Not where you are from, but how you see the world. And that's the difference between like a Chris Rock joke, and like an open-miker. — Iliza Shlesinger

I suppose I arrived at my charitable commitment largely through guilt. I recognized early on that my good fortune was not due to superior personal character or initiative so much as it was to dumb luck. — George Kaiser

If I could have any job I would be a cat ... but that's not something I'm supposed to talk about in public. — Iliza Shlesinger

Men are like shoes it is hard to find a good fit. — J.L. Jodoin

Passion always finds a way. Follow your passion and everything else will work out. — Iliza Shlesinger

I don't tend to like race jokes. I don't like Jew jokes and black jokes, and they make me very uncomfortable, probably because I'm both. Well, I'm not black - but if I was then I could dance better. — Iliza Shlesinger

The technotronic era involves the gradual appearance of a more controlled society. Such a society would be dominated by an elite, unrestrained by traditional values. Soon it will be possible to assert almost continuous surveillance over every citizen and maintain up-to-date complete files containing even the most personal information about the citizen. These files will be subject to instantaneous retrieval by the authorities. — Zbigniew Brzezinski

To find it, give the love that you seek. — Debasish Mridha

You can't go to the bathroom alone ... you might not come back. Cause no girl's ever been to the bathroom alone and survived. It's true. The last woman that attempted it, it was 1937 and her name was Amelia Earhart. — Iliza Shlesinger

You're not a road comic till you've watched Real Sex and American Greed alone in your hotel room. — Iliza Shlesinger

Excuse me there. If you go upon arguments, they are never wanting, when a man has no constancy of mind. My father never changed, and he preached plain moral sermons without arguments, and was a good man - few better. When you get me a good man made out of arguments, I will get you a good dinner with reading you the cookery-book. That's my opinion, and I think anybody's stomach will bear me out. — George Eliot

When you're missing your two front teeth, that's honesty. That is a door to your oral history. You're not covering anything up. You're saying, 'Hey world, I'm missing my front teeth. I'm gross; I'm dirty; I'm poor. I clearly have no problem with public urination and eating garbage. Don't come near me, I'll gum you to death! — Iliza Shlesinger

I always wished my dad was there to intimidate my boyfriends or something. It's supposed to be your dad giving your guys friends the stink-eye for sneaking beer through your house, not your mom. — Iliza Shlesinger

When you ask a girl out and she suggest a bar, you're answer shouldn't be great, I like that bar and they'll have the Rockets game on too. — Iliza Shlesinger

As a comedian, as an entertainer, there's a lot of downtime. Once you can accept that comedy is a marathon, not a sprint, it gets a little easier. — Iliza Shlesinger

We've all been there, onstage. You say something you don't mean, you make fun of something on accident but ... This wasn't that. This wasn't crowd work. This was a rehearsed set. This was pointed. — Iliza Shlesinger

I don't come up with ideas, they come to me. I write them down and try to convey what's wrong with me to the audience as best I can. — Iliza Shlesinger

You know what happened the last time a group of people said, 'Screw it, we don't care what you think'? They got hung as witches. — Iliza Shlesinger

Reason flows from the blending of rational thought and feeling. If the two functions are torn apart, thinking deteriorates into schizoid intellectual activity and feeling deteriorates into neurotic life-damaging passions. — Erich Fromm

I learned this one growing up in Texas and, subsequently, living in Los Angeles: always use the 'usted' form when speaking to a Spanish official. Mexican border patrol cops don't like it when you call them 'amigo,' give them a hardy pat on the back, slip a $20 in their pocket. No bueno, it doesn't fly. By the way, those of you not laughing at that obviously took French in high school, and that was a gay choice. — Iliza Shlesinger

I don't hate other women. Let me rephrase that: I hate other women and men - people in general can be annoying - but I've never disliked a woman for being beautiful. — Iliza Shlesinger

Both are salty, one will give me carpal tunnel, I'll go with the fries. — Iliza Shlesinger