If I Were Your Girlfriend Quotes & Sayings

I said to my girlfriend, you shouldn't eat before you swim. She said, "why not"? I said, you look fat. — Jimmy Carr

I have unemployed my girlfriend. She had a job working for a cardiologist and now she can hang out, put her feet up, buy all the things she wants, have a nice breakfast with you and me in the Four Seasons. Any fights in families like mine come from everyone worrying about money. I'm taking all those worries away. That makes me feel happy, makes me really proud of what I do. — Conor McGregor

When we meet, I'm interested and I'm curious about what he's doing because he's burning a number from a client. And I'm like, 'Who is this?' and my girlfriend's like, 'That's a drug dealer. Stay away from him.' — Rosario Dawson

You will not kill my girlfriend today, International Terrorists of Ambiguous Nationality! — John Green

Dora appeared, placing Alex's coffee in front of him."Your girlfriend is a wonder, honey,"she siad to him, squeezing willows shoulder. Willow's smile turned strained at the word "girlfriend. He could see her wanting to correct the woman and then deciding to let it pass. — L.A. Weatherly

These country chicks, I'm not even kidding you, they're fucking hard-core. They'll kill your ass and make it look like an accident. You drag the lakes around here and I promise you, there's dumb assholes who tried to get laid by the wrong chicks floating at the bottom of it - concrete boots - and I think your girlfriend's distributing them. Sadistic bitch. — Kele Moon

MacKenzie started to look frightened and Valor looked like he was going to kill somebody if they didn't stop scaring his girlfriend. At the same time, Victor looked like he was ready to step in and take control of the situation. And if these suits decided to pull out some guns, I could see where they might end up as a set of life-sized garden gnomes. — Taylor Longford

Even then, when the hike was perfect, I would wonder, 'Now what?' And take a picture. Take another picture. Like a man with a photogenic girlfriend he didn't love. — Jonathan Franzen

Yes, there is a science to the aroma of sleeping women

(and to think of the girlfriend I was tempted to break up with because she slept too much)

i now know, they NURTURED here there: they slept in packs dreamt in cycles nursed her in shifts and became her ON ROTATION — Saul Williams

I love you," I said, gripping the back of her neck and bringing her mouth to mine. My hand trailed down her side, naked and smooth and covered in goose bumps.
"We're really doing this, aren't we?" she asked, pulling back just enough to meet my eyes.
"We're really doing this."
"Officially."
"A hundred percent. Dinners, dates, introducing you as my girlfriend. The whole thing."
"Think I like the sound of that," she said, her cheeks pink. — Christina Lauren

My career is my girlfriend. — Aaron Carter

I stepped forward. Call me old-fashioned, but I wanted to keep his focus on me and not Annabeth. I think it's polite for a guy to protect his girlfriend from instant incineration. — Rick Riordan

I've done a road trip across Italy with a girlfriend, and that was very romantic. I think that road trips are probably one of the romantic things you can do. To take your girlfriend and just stay wherever; don't have a destination and just drive and see where the road takes you is pretty cool. — Christopher Egan

Tucker: I'm glad it happened. because then I got to know who you really are.
Clara: Oh yeah? Who am I?
Tucker: A really, really spiritual, spoiled California chick.
Avery: Shut up.
Tucker: It's cool though. My girlfriend is an angel. — Cynthia Hand

I think behind every great man there's got to be a great woman, whether she's your wife, your girlfriend or not. I'm not gonna say that there's not that special girl out there. But I'm in the music biz, and I'm focused on the music. — Prince Royce

Karma is God's girlfriend. — Allan Williams

Girlfriend isn't enough to describe you, Tate. That term is disposable. You're not my girlfriend, my girl, or my woman. You're. Just. Mine, — Penelope Douglas

She felt herself redden. "Because, if you want to date me, I don't know how," she admitted. "I haven't dated anyone since university and that wasn't even proper dating. Tom took me out to dinner once. We were students; we couldn't afford to go to restaurants, so it was usually fish and chips, or a burger. I don't know how to date properly, Robert. I've never been out with a man your age and it's mortifying to have to admit it. That's why I take the easy way out and run. And, apart from that, your ex-girlfriend was everything I'm not. — Lorna Peel

Everything you do, burns calories. Getting up in the morning, 100 calories; kicking the hooker out of your bed, another 100; diapering your monkey, 35 calories; laughing at a midget, fun and 10 calories; catching your girlfriend with another guy, 2000-3000 calories, depending on backswings. — Dave Attell

Tell me if I'm mistaken, but isnt't that my girlfriend in the graveyard?"
"You are not mistaken."
"And she's straddling some guy."
"That's correct," said Colin.
Hassan pursed his lips and nodded. "And- I just want to make sure we have our facts straight here- she's naked."
"She certainly is."
...
And then he raced forward about ten paces, cupped his hands over his mouth, and screamed, "I AM BREAKING UP WITH YOU!" Still, though, a goofy grin was on his face. — John Green

Moved on ... " he said. "Rusted nuts! You can do that?"
"Certainly."
"Huh. You think ... I should ... you know ... Ranette ... "
"Wayne, if ever someone should have taken a hint, it was you. Yes. Move on. Really."
"Oh, I took the hint," he said, taking a swig of sherry. "Just can't remember which jacket I left it in." He looked down at the jug. "You sure?"
"She has a girlfriend, Wayne."
"'S only a phase," he mumbled. "One what lasted fifteen years. ... — Brandon Sanderson

Mick required far less hand-holding than Michael. Signing the Stones, though, had required a full frontal assault worthy of General Patton, one of my heroes. The final battle exploded at the Ritz Hotel in Paris back in '83. After months of relentless pursuit, I had them. All they had to do was sign when suddenly at 3 A.M. Mick goes mental and calls me a "stupid motherfuckin' record executive." I lose it. I reach for his throat. I have a vision of punching out all ninety-eight pounds of him. I stop myself, envisioning tomorrow's headline - "Yetnikoff Kills Jagger." Jagger relents, signs and from then on it's wine and roses. It was Mick - wily and witty Mick - who later that year plotted with my girlfriend, the one called Boom Boom, to throw me a surprise fiftieth birthday bash where Henny Youngman emceed and Jon Peters, Barbra — Walter Yetnikoff

WE ALL KNEW LIL PAT was a junky. His girlfriend, Angie, one-upped him by being a junky and a whore. — Bill Hillmann

Where's the line between professional girlfriend, and just plain professional? — Sarah Jessica Parker

I sound awful saying it but I think it can be like that. I see a lot of people in unstimulating relationships. And not just boyfriend-girlfriend relationships. They find themselves in stagnant friendships. If people were a little less scared [of ending things] they'd get more out of life ... You meet the right person at the right time and they fulfil a certain something in your life. You fulfil something in theirs. But there's a time limit to that. Unless you choose to be bloody good company for the rest of your life, do you know what I mean? — Laura Marling

Ex-girlfriends will find themselves in my new routine. Sometimes they like that, and sometimes they definitely do not. But comedians should come with a giant warning or disclaimer: IF YOU DATE ME, IT WILL BE IN MY ACT. — Dane Cook

Curran strode toward me, eyes blazing. "If I let her go, I'll need a replacement. Want to volunteer for the job."
He looked like he wouldn't be taking no for an anser. I swiped Slayer from its sheath and backed away from the edge of the roof. "And be girlfriend number twenty-three soon to be dumped in favor of girlfriend number twenty-four who has slightly bigger boobs? I don't think so."
He kept coming. "Oh Yeah?"
"Yeah, you get these beautiful women, make them dependent on you, and then you dump them. Well, this time a woman left you first, and your enormous ego can't deal with it. And to think that I hoped we could talk like reasonable adults. If we were the last two people on Earth, I'd find myself a moving island so I could get the hell away from you. — Ilona Andrews

If you were my girlfriend I would give you a hundred lightning bugs in a green glass jar, so you could always see your way. I would give you a meadow full of wildflowers, where no two blooms would ever be alike. I would give you my bicycle, with its golden eye to protect you. I would write a story for you, and make you a princess who lived in a white marble castle. If you would only like me, I would give you magic. If you would only like me. — Robert McCammon

We kiss all the time." I clear my throat, then add, "We just ... do it in private."
"A smug expression crosses his face. "I don't buy it for a second, 'cause if you were my girlfriend and a stud like me was livin' in your house, I'd kiss you in front of the guy every chance I got as a reminder."
"A reminder of w-w-what?"
"That you were mine. — Simone Elkeles

If you were sitting quietly on your couch, waiting for your girlfriend to come back inside so you could finish watching your movie, and while you were waiting, someone called you up and said "I'll give you a million dollars if you can guess what's going to happen next," you absolutely would not guess "I am going to be brutally and unexpectedly attacked by a goose in my own home." Even if you had a hundred guesses, you would not guess that. — Allie Brosh

When I introduced you to Mary Ann, I wanted to call you my girlfriend, Elli," he looked up at her to see her eyes were wide, "I've never had a girlfriend, so I'm not sure if I'll do the boyfriend/girlfriend thing right, but the thought of you being with someone else, or me with someone else, actually hurts my gut, so I guess what I'm trying to say is," he took a deep breath, this was huge, and he thought he sounded stupid but with the way her eyes were glazing over, maybe he was doing this right. "I was wondering if you wanted to be my girlfriend." She smiled at him lovingly, cupping his face in her hands.
"Are you sure? I'm kinda crazy." He laughed, kissing her palm.
"I'm sure."
"Then, yes, Shea, I would love to be your girlfriend. — Toni Aleo

Won't you be my girlfriend
I'll treat you good
I know you hear your friends when they say you should
'Cause if you were my girlfriend
I'd be your shining star
The one to show you where you are — NSYNC

Didn't you," he asked, "have me
exorcised?"
"Me?" My own voice rocketed up about ten octaves. "Me? Jesse, of course not. I would never do that. I mean, you know I would never do something like that. That kid Jack did it. Your girlfriend Maria made him do it. She was trying to get rid of you. She told Jack you were bothering me, and he didn't know any better, so he exorcised you, and then Felix Diego threw me off the porch roof, and Jesse, they found your body, I mean your bones, and I saw them and I threw up all over the side of the house, and Spike really misses you and I was just thinking, you know, if you wanted to come back, you could, because that's why I've got this rope, so we can find our way back. — Meg Cabot

Cause if you were my girlfriend and a stud like me was livin' in your house, I'd kiss you in front of the guy every chance I got as a reminder. — Simone Elkeles

When new cooks come to work for me, they obviously make mistakes at the beginning or there's some messiness to the presentation. What I always say to them is: 'If you were cooking this for your mother or your girlfriend, would you make those mistakes?' — Joel Robuchon

Any judge who allows an adulterer with a live-in girlfriend to terminate the life of his wife should be impeached. — Phyllis Schlafly

Most executives are male, so it's always sort of their vision of stuff. I'm constantly fighting against that even when I play the wife or the girlfriend or the best friend. I always try my hardest to bring as much layering in and not make things stereotypical, but it's hard. — Madchen Amick

My girlfriend is Jewish. But it's easier to buy her a Christmas present and then break it into 8 pieces. — Anthony Jeselnik

Haruna: If you don't fall for her, she might kill you!...I'll protect you with all I've got!
Yoh: Thanks. Sometimes I feel like I got myself a boyfriend instead of a girlfriend. — Kazune Kawahara

My girlfriend makes me want to be a better person ... so I can get a better girlfriend. — Anthony Jeselnik

We'll now hear a few words from Augustus's special friend, Hazel." Special friend? There were some titters in the audience, so I figured it was safe for me to start out by saying to the minister, "I was his girlfriend." That got a laugh. — John Green

What is Love? It is a long followed companionship of two souls. — Rajasaraswathii

For me it's about the character, not as much about the genre of it [movie]. I'm excited that I get to work and play interesting characters and I'm not just the girl who gets to play the girlfriend or the wife. I get to play real women who have struggles and troubles and passions and that's always what I hope to do no matter what format that lies in. — Ali Larter

I used to hate being different. I used to cry. I wanted to be blonde-haired and blue-eyed like all of my girlfriends. My mom and dad would feel so badly - 'No, it's OK. You'll be happy you're different later. — Kiana Tom

I will raise you like my own," I promised the tiny basil pot that day. "I will give you sunlight, I will give you water, I will give you love."
"I will eat your limbs," my girlfriend helpfully added rubbing her belly and licking her lips like a grizzly bear gazing up at a sticky beehive in a tall pine tree. — Neil Pasricha

Solomon's Laws:
8. If a guy who's smart, handsome, and rich invites you and your girlfriend to a nudist club ... chances are he's got a giant shmeckel. — Paul Levine

Then, out of the blue, Aaron Winer saved the day. He took her to some movie and made out with her in the back row. The next day, at school, they were boyfriend and girlfriend. Bam! Problem solved. I pretended to be bitter about this, but in fact I was so relieved that I started laughing hysterically in history class and had to be excused to go the nurse. — Jesse Andrews

Women in the workplace - we still have big strides to make. Girlfriend of mine just got a new job. First question the new boss asked her was if she could make a good cup of coffee ... Yeah, she stormed right out of that Starbucks. — Carol Leifer

Sometimes the other guys teased [Patrick] about having a girl friend, but it didn't seem to bother him. It didn't bother me, either. If those guys couldn't tell the difference between a friend and a girlfriend - well, that made them too dense to be worth worrying about. — Linda Sue Park

One of the things I've tried to do with my life is redefine the boundaries that I think are very limiting. I'm not suggesting that everybody should have three girlfriends, or necessarily have girlfriends living with them. I think there are many, many options to living your life. — Hugh Hefner

My girlfriend is despicable. I just found out she flirted with my brother, during my mom's funeral, while I was asleep. — Anthony Jeselnik

Appearance is something you should definitely consider when you're going out. Have your girlfriend clip your nails or something like that. — Usher