I Am Hilarious Quotes & Sayings

Please don't arrest me."
"Listen to me, I'm not going to arrest you, ok? I'm not a cop."
"Are you sure?"
"Am I sure I'm not a cop? yes, I'm sure."
"You could be undercover. — Derek Landy

I am happy to pay you," she announced. "For your services."
A harsh, strangled sound cut through the room. It came from him. "Pay me."
She nodded. "Would say, twenty-five pounds do?"
"No."
Her brows knit together. "Of course, a person of your
prowess
is worth more. I apologize for the offense. Fifty? I'm afraid I can't go much higher. It's quite a bit of money. — Sarah MacLean

So I'm over there in England, you know, trying to get news about the [L.A.] riots ... and all these Brit people are trying to sympathize with me ... 'Oh Bill, crime is horrible. Bill, if it's any consolation crime is horrible here, too.' ... Shutup. This is Hobbitown and I am Bilbo Hicks, Okay? This is a land of fairies and elves. You do not have crime like we have crime, but I appreciate you trying to be, you know, Diplomatic. You gotta see English crime. It's hilarious, you don't know if you're reading the front page or the comic section over there. I swear to God. I read an article - front page of the paper - one day, in England: 'Yesterday, some Hooligans knocked over a dustbin in Shafsbry.' Wooooo ... 'The hooligans are loose! The hooligans are loose! What if they become roughians? I would hate to be a dustbin in Shafsbry tonight. — Bill Hicks

I wanted to be in love like in the storybooks and songs and ballads. Love that hits you like a lightning bolt. And I'm sorry, because yeah, I get that you think I'm ridiculous. I get that you think I'm hilarious. I know, I get that you're mocking me. I get how stupid I am, but at least I know. — Holly Black

I am also very proud to be a liberal. Why is that so terrible these days? The liberals were liberatorsthey fought slavery, fought for women to have the right to vote, fought against Hitler, Stalin, fought to end segregation, fought to end apartheid. Liberals put an end to child labor and they gave us the five day work week! What's to be ashamed of? — Barbra Streisand

I envied many for being happy, successful and content. I wondered how a sick friend managed to look resplendent in her profile picture?
How someone with a dark past post hilarious Facebook status? Until one day ... I realised that while they all were making a conscious effort to grow in life, I simply sat and worshipped the grave of my sufferings.
I sat at one place and did nothing but moan. So, I stopped. I don't dig graves anymore as I am too busy building my empire. — Saru Singhal

They can't denied who I am. — Lailah Gifty Akita

My grandmother, in her retirement home, actually has a picture of me from 'Star' magazine on their fashion police list. I think that's hilarious, but if Grandma approves, then I feel like I am all good. — Brad Goreski

I would like to point out, though, Lady Georgiana," he continued, "that you have decided to stay in a household with five single gentlemen, three of them adults."
"Four," Andrew broke in, coloring. "I'm seventeen. That's older than Romeo was when he married Juliet."
"And it's younger than I am, which is what counts," Tristan countered, sending his brother a stern look. — Suzanne Enoch

Daniel?"
I raise an eyebrow to match his expression. "Holder?"
"What are you up to?"
"I do not know what you are talking about," I reply innocently.
"You do know what I am talking about because when you are lying, you do not use contractions when you speak."
I ponder his observation for a few seconds. Is that true?
Shit. It's true. — Colleen Hoover

Shut up," I snapped. "This is not the time. What part of this situation seems like a joke to you?"
Lohka pulled up his knees, giving a feeble, half-manic little laugh. "Oh, maybe just the idea that some soul-devouring being of chaos could be waiting anywhere to finish destroying my life," he said. "That's kind of hilarious, you know. Have you ever had a soul-devouring being of chaos hunting you down so it could finish eating you?"
"No," I said. "I'm sorry, Lohka."
"That's nice," he muttered.
"What about the part where this soul-devouring being of chaos seems to have a taste for me at the moment?" Zhabyr asked. "Can we worry about that, now? Because I kind of already am. — J. Leigh Bralick

Auden, who asked two things of an imagined world-that it be somehow like ours and somehow unlike-would be Ben Marcus's ideal reader, yet even without the poet's dire program, I am altogether taken by this hilarious and sexy alternative universe. Just imagine! it is all done with words instead of mirrors, so much more reliable and so much more heartbreaking. Thus Prospero enthralls his crew. — Richard Howard

Have you ever fired one of those before?" Peter teases. "How hard can it be?" The first time we said those words seems like lifetimes ago. "I don't know, but you make it look nearly impossible." "You're hilarious. Who needs a gun when you can just knock 'em dead with your wit?" "I am pretty witty. So, are you ready?" "No, are you?" "Not in the slightest." "Oh good, we're all set then. — Jamie Canosa

You, and you alone, have reported this mysterious sense of doom. You, and you alone, are a chaos magnet the likes of which I have never seen. After our little shopping trip to Diagon Alley, and then the Sorting Hat, and then today's little episode, I can well foresee that I am fated to sit in the Headmaster's office and hear some hilarious tale about Professor Quirrell in which you and you alone play a starring role, after which there will be no choice but to fire him. I am already resigned to it, Mr. Potter. And if this sad event takes place any earlier than the Ides of May, I will string you up by the gates of Hogwarts with your own intestines and pour fire beetles into your nose. Now do you understand me completely? — Eliezer Yudkowsky

I sometimes have birthday parties for the kids in my neighborhood and then pretend to suggest that I am going to molest them to the parents. It's a hilarious prank even though I am not a paedophile. — Thom Yorke

I am truly obsessed with Lena Dunham. I find everything about her unique and refreshing. She is a brilliant, hilarious and honest writer who is not afraid to make her audience uncomfortable. — Spencer Kayden

I needed to make my wig ogg because I no longer wanted to apologize for who I am — Viola Davis

I have chiseled features. Look. Look how chiseled they are. And my teeth are at least as white as his. You seriously think he's good-lookin'?"
"I do," said Tanith.
"Right," Sanguine said and nodded. "I'm gonna kill him."
She kept her laugh soft so it wouldn't travel. "I think he's good-looking, but I think you're better looking."
"Oh," Sanguine said. "I mean, yeah. I am. I'm glad you noticed. — Derek Landy

Though I realize that you are both a little annoyed with me, and this might not be the time to shower myself with praise," Jace said slowly, "honesty compels me to tell you: Yes. Yes, I do think I am hilarious. 'There goes Jace Herondale,' people say. 'Cutting wit, and also totally cut. It's a burden Simon could never understand. — Cassandra Clare

I ... I don't, I don't think I can do this."
"Do what?"
It didn't answer.
"Do the tests?"
"I can't work with you when you're like this!" it blurted. "To every one of my specimens, I am the last thing they see! Terrror is what I am used to
terror is what I like! I prefer my subjects to scream and beg, not ask to see results!"
"I'll scream my questions, if that helps."
"It won't," it said sadly. "I'll know you're only trying to make me feel better. — Derek Landy

She gathered a circle of children around her and commenced singing 'For Those Who Peril on the Sea' over their little heads. But no, 'safety from storms' wasn't enough for her. God had to keep them from being blown up too. She set about ordering the poor things to pray for their parents every night- who knew what the German soldiers might do to them? Then she said to be especially good little boys and girls so Mama and Daddy could look down on them from heaven and BE PROUD OF THEM ... she had those children crying and sobbing fit to die.
I was too shocked to move, but no, not Elizabeth. No, quick as an adder's tongue, she had ahold of Adelaide's arm and told her to SHUT UP.
'Let me go!' Adelaide cried. 'I am speaking the Word of God!'
Elizabeth, she got a look on her that would turn the devil to stone, and then she slapped Adelaide right across the face! — Mary Ann Shaffer

I blink back the threat of tears, swiped at my nose and narrowed my eyes. "Listen to me, you two bags of monkey shit, "I yelled. "I am not in a good mood. My car keeps stalling. The day before yesterday I threw up on Joe Morelli. I was called a fat cow by my ex-husband. And if that isn't enough ... my hair is ORANGE! ORANGE, FOR CHRISSAKE! And now you have the gall to force yourself into my home and threaten my hamster. Well, you have gone too far. You have crossed the line! — Janet Evanovich

You're not used to early mornings, are you?"
He shook his head. "Early mornings were invented by the system to keep the people occupied. But not me. I'm on to them. They're not gonna catch me napping. Metaphorically, like. Obviously, they can catch me physically napping like, four or five times a day, but, metaphorically, I am so far beyond their reach. — Derek Landy

We found Trent and pulled him off the leggy girl. "Trent, it's time to get home before your parents realize we snuck out." I said.
"What?" he asked confusedly.
"Plus the bouncer found out we were sixteen and he does not look happy." Logan added.
The girl froze, "You're sixteen? What the hell. You little perv, you're going to pay for this."
Trent sputtered, "What? No."
Logan looked at her all doe eyed innocence and said "Sorry Ma'am, we have to get home now because it's past our curfew."
Trent stood open mouthed in shock but his eyes were shooting murderous rays.
So many death glares, so little time. — Amanda Kelly

I really unfortunately don't have tons of hilarious Sundance stories, because really I am not the biggest fan of hanging out, but the reason why is because I never go see other people's movies and I think that's the way to do it. — Lizzy Caplan

I am truly not one to give advice. I'm divorced and I stole my best friend's husband. — Denise Richards

I am never honored. My career is hilarious to me. I am either under the radar or over the radar. — Joan Rivers

But as of this past month, I think something terrifying is happening to me'
'Oh?' I said, matching her pitch.
'Yeah.' She nodded solemnly at the road. 'I'm not sure yet, but I think, I think, I might be a Belieber now'
I clutched at my heart. 'Good God'
'His stuff is just so on point these days, what am I supposed to do? Not listen to it? Not sing along? I'm only human, Soph. A beautiful, hilarious, intelligent human'. — Catherine Doyle

Like no other writer in contemporary American literature, Brock Clarke has a way of looking at us, I mean looking straight at us
warts, lots of warts, and beauty and hypocrisy and love, too, the gamut. And hes done it again in this brilliant The Happiest People in the World, a novel that is as hilarious and thought-provoking as it is ultimately, deadly, deadly serious. I for one am grateful hes out there
watching our every move. — Peter Orner

All I want is for my kids to have a good sense of humour. They don't have to be funny, just need to be able to recognise how hilarious I am. — Ade Bozzay

It's hilarious to me that by writing an obscene fake children's book I am mistaken for a parenting expert. — Adam Mansbach

Apparently being a mermaid is dead dull. I watched The Little Mermaid with her once a few years ago - she thought it was freaking hilarious. She couldn't stop laughing about the shell-bra thing, given that mermaids aren't mammals. Plus, as she put it, Prince Eric was far too hairy and "peach colored" for her taste. I always thought he was pretty hot, but then again, I am a mammal. — Kiersten White

My parents find me hilarious. They don't pull me up for anything because I'm a good daughter. I stay at home, don't party too much, people don't talk about my affairs or that I am unprofessional. In fact, people tell my parents that I'm so well-brought up. Yes, I tend to shoot my mouth off, but they don't pull me up for that. — Sonam Kapoor

Jules could have sworn there was a devilish glint in the shopkeepers eye.
'I find today I am in need of a bonnet.'
Mr. Postlethwaite was silent. And then his eyes crept toward the marquess's hairline.
'It will be a gift for a woman, Mr. Postlethwaite.'
'Of course, sir.'
The marquess wished the 'of course' sounded a bit more sincere. He'd scarcely been in the shop for more than three minutes and already his dignity was fraying. — Julie Anne Long

I feel like I've had a number of roles in suits, which is hilarious to the people who know me, because it couldn't be further from who I am and what I wear. I think that Aaron Sorkin is, to a certain extent, responsible. — Clark Gregg

Fill with mingled cream and amber,
I will drain that glass again.
Such hilarious visions clamber
Through the chamber of my brain
Quaintest thoughts - queerest fancies
Come to life and fade away;
What care I how time advances?
I am drinking ale today. — Edgar Allan Poe

I am what prevents the Accelerator from being a bomb."
"Except you didn't," said Gracious. "Because you weren't around."
"I got bored."
"You're a machine."
"Machines can become bored, too."
Gracious looked suddenly concerned. "My toaster is bored?"
"Perhaps, " said the Engineer. "I do not know many toasters. — Derek Landy

I am Detective Inspector Me. This is my partner, Detective Her."
The traffic warden frowned. "Her?"
"Me," said Stephanie.
"Him?"
"Not me," said Skulduggery. "Her."
"Me," said Stephanie.
"You?" said the traffic warden.
"Yes," said Stephanie.
"I'm sorry, who are you?"
Stephanie looked at him. "I'm Her, he's Me. Got it? — Derek Landy

Smiles are a funny thing
and laughter is hilarious.
I smile sometimes
when I am delirious. — Casey Renee Kiser

Lord John: 'The court has suffered most sorely for your absence. We hardly know where to find our amusement now.'
Lady Nora: 'I am sorry to hear that, I suppose it takes some wit to produce one's own entertainment. Are you often bored? — Meredith Duran

You promise?"
"I cross the place where my heart used to be and wish to be even more deader than I am now. — Derek Landy