Humourous Situations Quotes & Sayings

I almost rushed Roth right then and threw my arms around him, but a low growl rumbled from behind me. At first I thought it was Abbot's response, but when I realized it was coming from Zayne, I couldn't move.
Roth tilted his head to the side, watching me as a slow, roguish smile graced his lips. "Are you...seriously growling at me, Stony?"
"I'm about to do a lot more than growl."
He chuckled. "That's not very appreciative. — Jennifer L. Armentrout

The sooner the jihadis go up to their imagined #heaven, the sooner our earth would be a heaven. — Fakeer Ishavardas

Do i look like a beautiful blond with big tits and an ass that tastes like French vanilla ice-cream?
No. no, you don't.
Then why are you telling me all this bullshit just so you can fuck me. — Quentin Tarantino

And you are?'
'Erm . . Professor N'gomo.' said Edith waving her badge in what she supposed was a casual way. — Anna Moore

It doesn't matter anyway!" Patrick couldn't sit down. He couldn't. "It's not like sex is anything to shout about! It's icky, and the guy never wants to wear a condom, and I have to give a frickin' health and safety lesson every time I give a blow job because they think I'm stupid, and I know you can get shit from giving head, and I'm not putting that thing in my mouth unless I get a written fucking guarantee that it's not going to drop off or explode or give me some life-threatening disease or mutant antibiotic-resistant gonorrhea! — Amy Lane

Everyone thinks of Anubis as this super jacked up jackal. I find that amusing. I guess he must work out a lot. I guess when you think of it, it is kind of funny. No other picture of gods from that time are ripped. I guess Anubis did Egyptian steroids. — Jessica Florence

Patrick Kenzie asking a bemused waitress for a newspaper in smalltown USA. 'It's like a homepage without a scroll button? — Dennis Lehane

Silvia frowned, then she suddenly shouted. 'Mark and Gladson, get back to your seats!'

A ball of fire formed in the palm of her hand.

Sandra and I jumped at her precipitous outburst and looked behind her to see two boys about to sneak out of the classroom. They paled at the deadly flames in her hands and retreated immediately into the classroom, shouting, 'You idiots! What kind of a bet is that, she could have fried us!'

I was flattered. One second, she was calm and the next, she was furious (she detected those boys without even looking at them!). — Deepika Kumaaraguru

People can't really sympathize with you properly when you've woken them up — Maureen Johnson

Along with every other male of his acquaintance he loathed the Naked Chef with messianic passion and prayed for the day he suffered a fatal accident on his scooter or burst into flames with the friction of sliding down that nauseating banister. Mark hated to think how rich he must be. And the fact that a mere bloody cook was taking up space in The Times that could be filled by a train journalist. Like himself, for example. Bastard. — Wendy Holden

Lash had been explaining to her that it's impolite to refer to an African American as a nigga, unless one was another African American, when Troy Lee came in and said, "She only speaks Cantonese."
"She does not. She keeps coming in and saying 'What's up my nigga?'"
"Oh yeah. She does that to me, too. Did you give her a pound?"
"No. I didn't give her a pound, motherfucker. She called me a nigga."
"Well, she's not going to quit unless you give her a pound. It's just the way she rolls."
"That's some bullshit, Troy."
"It's her couch. — Christopher Moore

I'll serve something black. Bean soup, licorice, coffee. It'll be very grim, I promise. We'll cover the mirrors. We'll listen to Piaf. We'll read passages from Dostoyevsky. — Stephanie Kallos

A year ago it would have torn me up, leaving a body behind as we sped away along the interstate. Now I was just glad it was him and not me who was lying in the woods. I was a terrible Christian and a decent survivalist. — Charlaine Harris

Mum repeated the old adage that money can't buy you everything ... before adding that she prefers using credit cards instead. — Kirkland Ciccone

Most girls swoon when I talk to them. So quit ignoring me."
"So go talk to them," Kara slammed her locked shut and walked away. — Alexis Tiger

It was too late to buy beer but thank God there's no curfew on condoms. — Beth Myrle Rice

I've always liked Belgian waffles, but I must say, I didn't think I would one day be having Belgian waffles in Belgium! I just sort of POOF found myself there and there I was with a gigantic Belgian waffle in my hands, standing on a sidewalk in Belgium! — C. JoyBell C.

Oh how nice!" the lady said. But not corny. She was just nice & all. "I must tell Ernest we met," she said. "May I ask your name, dear?"
"Rudolf Schmidt," I told her. I didn't feel like giving her my whole life history. Rudolf Schmidt was the name of the janitor of our dorm. — J.D. Salinger

If you find yourself suddenly mated to a werewolf, whatever you do, don't panic. Simply turn to Jen for assistance and she will give you a cool acronym to call him ... because that's just so important. -Sally — Quinn Loftis

Get your grubby hands off my luxurious designer handbag! — Kirkland Ciccone

That spot was taken," Kara sat up to look at them. Stylized, short, black hair with bangs. Piercing blue eyes. Proper posture. Lean. It was Oliver.

"I don't think a bag counts as a person," he smiled down at her. — Alexis Tiger

You are a major dimwit. Is your brain made out of jello, you spineless twit? A leaf? What do you think I am, one of those magical raccoons? I'm a concept, get it? Con-cept! Concepts and raccoons aren't exactly the same, now are they? What a dumb thing to say ... — Haruki Murakami

He has big hands too, I say, swigging cider. I should know. Big beautiful hands. I daresay big feet as well.
You mean that ... ? Philomena asks.
Fanny whispers in her ear, and she giggles.
I do find unclothed men interesting, I must admit.
Which one do you think has the best arse? I ask before I can stop myself. — Janet Mullany

Psht, as if. You and what army could possibly rescue her from my clutches? -JEN — Quinn Loftis

You think!" cried Mama. "She's just a-looking after your backside and mine." But at least her arms let up. Shioni could breathe again.
"It'd take five of her to look after your backside."
Mama seemed to find his rudeness amusing. A beaming smile lit up her round face like the sun leaping above the hills of Abyssinia in the morning. "Better a plump, well-padded rump, than the rear end of a skinny goat like you, eh? — Marc Secchia

To whomever swapped my tattoo cream for toothpaste ... well played. — R.D. Ronald

Had a cold hummus with pita bread,
Under a delicious food, yellow or red.
Might just have the appetite to cook
Urgent dinner by hook or crook.
So that's just a humus humor spread. — Ana Claudia Antunes

I guess it's their friend time? — Meca Tanaka

The fastest way to a man's heart is by tearing a hole through his rib cage_T-Shirt — Darynda Jones

Mia Maz glanced aside in concern at his muffled snort. "Are you all right?"
"Yes. Sorry," he whispered. "I'm just having an attack of limericks."
Her eyes widened, and she bit her lip; only her deepening dimple betrayed her. "Shhh," she said, with feeling. — Lois McMaster Bujold

I was scared and nearly choking when I bravely asked, 'Are you a pros-ti-tute?' I actually said it like that. I knew I was asking a question that might get me beaten up, and I had to force the three syllables to stumble off my tongue and bounce around innocently on the stainless-steel draining board while I waited for her reply. — Eskay Teel

Better yet, why don't you tell us why you're here?"
"Last time I checked, I live here, too," Collin said.
"Not you, that ... that ... ," Mr. Taylor said, pointing at me with his fork.
"Pig!" Regan shouted at me.
Collin's head whipped around in her direction.
"I'm sorry?" I asked, caught off guard.
"Pig ... do you want some of the roasted pig?" she asked, holding a platter of meat. — Nicole Gulla

One of the ex-sucias publishes a poem about you online. It's called El Puto — Junot Diaz

Whatever the choices one make in life, there will be the outcomes. But the question is: Will the outcomes be what one really expected? — Ezekiel Mosoatsi

Manicures: Which are basically just holding hands with a stranger for forty-five minutes whilst listening to Enya. — Miranda Hart

Where is he? Bridgerton!" he bellowed.
Three chestnut heads swiveled in his direction. Simon stomped across the grass, murder in his eyes.
"I meant the idiot Bridgerton."
"That, I believe," Anthony said mildly, tilting his chin toward Colin, "would refer to you. — Julia Quinn

I think I'll give the Cage of Death a miss too," I said. Crocodiles were fascinating creatures, like living dinosaurs, but they could do their living over there somewhere, far away from me. — Renee Conoulty

My wife said never to judge her until I walked a mile in her shoes. That's how I found out I like wearing high heels. — Jerry Snider

Anything can happen in love, war and South Inidan movies. — Jennifer Bernard

Homo ferus: wild human. An unpredictable, nocturnal creature usually found in trees. Caution: may cause bewilderment and disorientation. Also, prone to teasing. — Jessica Khoury

They play like file clerks file. — Lauren Kessler

I shall destroy capitalism! Do you hear! I shall destroy every single capitalist! And I shall start with you, you dog, if you don't help us with the bomb!'
Allan noted that the had managed to be both a rat and a dog in the course of a minute or so. And that Stalin was being rather inconsistent, because now he wanted to use Allan's services after all.
But Allan wasn't going to sit there and listen to this abuse any longer. He had come to Moscow to help them out, not to be shouted at. Stalin would have to manage on his own.
'I've been thinking,' said Allan.
'What,' said Stalin angrily.
'Why don't you shave off that moustache?'
With that the dinner was over, because the interpreter fainted. — Jonas Jonasson

An odd arrangement ... to have a couch facing the bed, and I smile to myself - I've picked on the couch as odd, when really it's the most mundane piece of furniture in the room. - Anastasia seeing the playroom for the first time. — E.L. James

While you're singing something romantic, I can't get the lyrics to 'Love and Marriage' out of my head, and that tune always reminds me of the jingle from Jeopardy. — E.A. Bucchianeri

Recession should be added to the list of natural calamities — Subhasis Das

You want me to be your spy in a game of restaurant espionage? Will I need a code name?"
"It's nothing morally reprehensible or anything, " Wes hastened to assure her. "Just curiosity."
"I think your code name should be Tiberius," she said decisively. "I'll be Uhura."
"Tiberius? As in James Tiberius Kirk?" Wes blinked, then grinned. "Oh my God, this is your version of flirting. How do you say 'I fancy you' in Klingon? — Louisa Edwards

When he came round he was staring up at the familiar face as Gwendolyn Dawling knelt over him about to address the nasty bump on his head.
'I haven't got any butter. So I hope this will do instead Father Moriarty', she said as she removed a dollop of Flora pro.activ from the carton.
'I don't think you use butter any more for bumps Gwendolyn.'
'Is it a Common Market thing?'
'No it's just bad science. — Ray Harris

I am about to lose my temper,'
'I look too cute for that.'
'Stop daydreaming. — Rida Altaf

The gate is perfectly simple," Temeraire said. "There is only a bar across the fence, which one can lift very easily, and then it swings open; Nitidus could do it best, for his forehands are the smallest. Though it is difficult to keep the animals inside the pen, and the first time I learned how to open it, they all ran away," he added. "Maximus and I had to chase after them for hours and hours
it was not funny at all," he said, ruffled, sitting back on his haunches and contemplating Laurence with great indignation. — Naomi Novik

You know us naturist types.. when we party we party hard! — Lee Taylor

I do hope we shall meet again. Perhaps we could have a reading club of some sorts. I 've read that one." She leaned in. "Have you reached the part where Mr. Darcy proposes?"
Asriel narrowed his gaze on Cross. "She did that on purpose."
Pippa shook her head. "Oh, I did not ruin it. Elizabeth refuses." She paused. "I suppose I did ruin that. Apologies. — Sarah MacLean

Please don't talk into the middle of other people's crotch! — Nakata Yumi

I'm not stupid and I'm not brainy. I just lack execution sometimes.
I'm more of a "I should have said that" kind of gal. But there will be other days when I'll have a comback that'll knock ya flat and you knows it brov! ha-ha! — Ellie Williams

... But don't be late, Troy, or I'll ... " She hesitated and laughed, not entirely happily. "I don't suppose I'll ever need to worry about you again, will I? I don't suppose I've ever needed to worry over a magician."
"There are always car accidents," Tabitha declared cheerfully. "A car could come around the corner and ... wallop! You'd need a terrific magician to get out of that one ... "
"Or eagles dropping tortoises," Troy added, looking amused. "That happened in Ancient Greece, you know. An eagle dropped a tortoise on some dramatist and killed him."
"No eagles or tortoises here," said Tabitha, "but a bit could fall off a plane. — Margaret Mahy

The person who sat the kid down on the breadboard to cut off thier diaper with a huge knife was the most elderly person in the family, who was blind in one eye..and had the shakes ... of course the kids uncouncious, He's lost two pints of blood! — Eoin Colfer

When I was in my early twenties I didn't have a need to rub together, back when my life was a series of wants and whims. But recently I had felt overwhelmed by longings that seemed to lunge out of me in the most awkward situations. — Tyne O'Connell

Can I ask you something?" Jo
"Maybe" Thorn
"What's between you and Karma?" Jo
"Right about now ... three miles." Thorn — Sherrilyn Kenyon

I am rather ashamed to admit that my knowledge of the Ice Age in Canada is very little, mostly because much of it was under ice until about 10,000 years ago. I am very sure we still had beavers. I am also equally sure we still had Tim Horton's, a prehistoric edifice which has a coffee blend that can only be described as fossilized. — Michelle Franklin

Me? Oh, intellectually I believe in having a good heart, a chirpy penis, a lively intelligence, and the courage to say 'shit!' in front of a lady. — D.H. Lawrence

Edward was now expressing himself on the subject of the French King, drawing upon a vocabulary that a Southwark brothel-keeper might envy. Some of what he was saying was anatomically impossible, much of it was true and all of it envenomed. — Sharon Kay Penman

Oh my god, two days ago I fell in love with the girl of my dreams. Tonight I find out she's insane — Jill Mansell