Humourous Life Quotes & Sayings

The sooner the jihadis go up to their imagined #heaven, the sooner our earth would be a heaven. — Fakeer Ishavardas

It doesn't matter anyway!" Patrick couldn't sit down. He couldn't. "It's not like sex is anything to shout about! It's icky, and the guy never wants to wear a condom, and I have to give a frickin' health and safety lesson every time I give a blow job because they think I'm stupid, and I know you can get shit from giving head, and I'm not putting that thing in my mouth unless I get a written fucking guarantee that it's not going to drop off or explode or give me some life-threatening disease or mutant antibiotic-resistant gonorrhea! — Amy Lane

Many feel that writers are a dime a dozen, so the goal is to break through and make it to the value of a penny. — Wil Zeus

People can't really sympathize with you properly when you've woken them up — Maureen Johnson

Primus is certainly learning caution," said Secundus to his four other dead brothers.
"Well, you know what they say," whispered Quintus, in the wistful tones of the dead, which sounded, on that day, like the lapping of distant waves upon the shingle, "a man who is tired of looking over his shoulder for Septimus is tired of life. — Neil Gaiman

Never say no to now — Benny Bellamacina

I wore you on me at all times
Like I now carry my pen.
Unlike your own opinion my
Belongings must have a function.
You bled through the ink of my lines and
To be my subject nursed your thirst.

Was it my fault, or your own, that you forgot
- I do not deal in tender verse. — Mie Hansson

When the power goes out, we jump up to ... To what? It's weird. We're so used to electricity, when it's gone, we don't know what to do. So we jump up or squeal or start jabbering like idiots. We panic. It's like someone cut off our oxygen. — Rick Yancey

Most people are scumbags. Accept it. Let go. Chill out, douchebags. — Fakeer Ishavardas

Good taste is death. Vulgarity is life. — Mary Quant

At some indeterminate point in their life cycles, they cause themselves to be placed in artificial stone or wooden cocoons, or chrysalises. They have an idea that they will someday emerge from these in an altered state, which they symbolize with carvings of themselves with wings. However, we did not observe that any had actually done so. — Margaret Atwood

Fuck the pack. I gave them fifteen years of my life. I fought for them, bled for them, and the moment my back was turned, they attacked my wife. I owe them nothing. — Ilona Andrews

You should treat the trivial things in life seriously and the serious things in life with a sincere and studied triviality — Oscar Wilde

Optimism was for children. Once you reached adulthood then you had to join the rest of the world as a realist - life was a bag of shit you were expected to pay for. — NikNak

Oh how nice!" the lady said. But not corny. She was just nice & all. "I must tell Ernest we met," she said. "May I ask your name, dear?"
"Rudolf Schmidt," I told her. I didn't feel like giving her my whole life history. Rudolf Schmidt was the name of the janitor of our dorm. — J.D. Salinger

Life is what you make it. Unless some guy finds you with his girl. Then the ball's pretty much in his court. — Lois Greiman

Dwarfs are very attached to gold. Any highwayman demanding 'Your money or your life' had better bring a folding chair and packed lunch and a book to read while the debate goes on. — Terry Pratchett

Why would I draw the short straw? — Kresley Cole

Sometimes I pretend I have an insomnia problem when what I really have is a good book and a lack of respect for tomorrow's schedule. — Anonymous

You haven't heard of him? And he is a D'reg!" Mrs Goriff pulled at her husband's arm.
"D'reg?" said Angua.
"A warlike desert tribe," said Carrot. "Very fierce. Honourable, though. They say that if a D'reg is your friend he's your friend for life."
"And if he's not your friend?"
"That's about five seconds. — Terry Pratchett

Jimmy held on to the reins for dear life, and thought that a horse was about the most slippery creature to sit on that he had ever met. He slithered first one way and then another, and at last he slid off altogether and landed with a bump on the ground.
Sticky Stanley and Lotta held on to one another and laughed till the tears ran down their faces. They thought it was the funniest sight in the world to see poor Jimmy slipping about on the solemn, cantering horse. — Enid Blyton

Whatever the choices one make in life, there will be the outcomes. But the question is: Will the outcomes be what one really expected? — Ezekiel Mosoatsi

The matron glanced at the old man and suppressed a smile. "He is absolutely miserable."
"I enjoy miserable. It gives one a contrast to all the delectabilities of life. But is he housebroken, inpala? He is rather rumpled. He will look well on my ship, but will he wash well? Do professors fray as a general rule? I will not have my ship looking ragged."
"They do tend to fade after a few years of hard use. — Michelle Franklin

Yesterday I bought myself a new, very sharp kitchen knife.
And I managed to cut my finger within 5 minutes of getting home!
Those plastic packages are bloody dangerous!!! — Gary Edward Gedall

That spot was taken," Kara sat up to look at them. Stylized, short, black hair with bangs. Piercing blue eyes. Proper posture. Lean. It was Oliver.

"I don't think a bag counts as a person," he smiled down at her. — Alexis Tiger

I've nothing against people. Just a***oles. But then, most people are. — Fakeer Ishavardas

Mr Vimes," said Mrs Winkings, "ve cannot help but notice that you still haf not employed any of our members in the Vatch ... "
Say 'Watch', why don't you? Vimes thought. I know you can. Let the twenty-third letter of the alphabet enter your life. — Terry Pratchett

It was a Wednesday, I think. Yes, a Wednesday, that miserable day sandwiched between the dreadful Monday and Tuesday and the 'all right' Thursday and Friday, which ultimately gave way to what I hoped woud be a glorious weekend. — Gauri Jhangiani

We're famous" iggy whispered so low that Fang could barely hear him.
"So's Swine Flu" Fang whispered back. — James Patterson

When I was in my early twenties I didn't have a need to rub together, back when my life was a series of wants and whims. But recently I had felt overwhelmed by longings that seemed to lunge out of me in the most awkward situations. — Tyne O'Connell

You have no power over us, said the Auditor. We are notalive.
BUT YOU ARE DEMONSTRATING ARROGANCE, PRIDE AND STUPIDITY. THESE ARE EMOTIONS. I WOULD SAY THEY ARE SIGNS OF LIFE.
"Excuse me?" said the shining figure in white.
But you are all alone here!
"Excuse me?"
YES? said Death. WHAT IS IT?
"This is the Apocalypse, yes?" said the shining figure petulantly.
WE ARE TALKING.
"Yes, right, but is it the Apocalypse? The actual end of the actual whole world?"
No, said the Auditor.
YES, said Death. IT IS.
"Great!" said the figure.
What? said the Auditor.
WHAT? said Death. — Terry Pratchett

I'm not stupid and I'm not brainy. I just lack execution sometimes.
I'm more of a "I should have said that" kind of gal. But there will be other days when I'll have a comback that'll knock ya flat and you knows it brov! ha-ha! — Ellie Williams

Went to get coffee today-opened my change purse. Sea shells fell out. Barista goes "Sorry, we only take cash or credit." So there's that. — Taylor Swift

There's nothing like a headless corpse to bring a touch of excitement into one's life. — Chet Williamson

Just when you've squared up to the solemn realisation that life is a bitch, it turns round and does something nice, just to confuse you. - Emily Spitzer, The Better Mousetrap — Tom Holt

There was my life before I told a strange woman in a negligee that I was a homosexual, and now there would be my life after, two chapters so dissimilar in style and content that they might have been written by different people. — David Sedaris