Humourous Quotes & Sayings

The decker these ***holes brought with them is top tier, but I'm going to stomp his jelly beans so hard his kids will be born crooked. — Amie Kaufman

I almost rushed Roth right then and threw my arms around him, but a low growl rumbled from behind me. At first I thought it was Abbot's response, but when I realized it was coming from Zayne, I couldn't move.
Roth tilted his head to the side, watching me as a slow, roguish smile graced his lips. "Are you...seriously growling at me, Stony?"
"I'm about to do a lot more than growl."
He chuckled. "That's not very appreciative. — Jennifer L. Armentrout

But as human happiness is of a very short duration, so in those days were human fashions upon which it entirely depends. — Jonathan Swift

What we've got here is a lunatic genius ghost-in-the-computer monorail that likes riddles and goes faster than the speed of sound. Welcome to the fantasy version of One Flew Over the Cuckoo's Nest. — Stephen King

And you are?'
'Erm . . Professor N'gomo.' said Edith waving her badge in what she supposed was a casual way. — Anna Moore

Everyone thinks of Anubis as this super jacked up jackal. I find that amusing. I guess he must work out a lot. I guess when you think of it, it is kind of funny. No other picture of gods from that time are ripped. I guess Anubis did Egyptian steroids. — Jessica Florence

That's part of your curse. To drive men mad with desire and feel no pleasure".
"Great," I muttered. "And all this time I thought I was frigid. — Kristina Douglas

When you get beef from the butcher, you don't feel bad for the cow that has been killed. But if someone asked you to wield a knife and kill the cow yourself, you wouldn't be able to do it."
"Are you saying that you are a cow?"
"Exactly."
"What?"
"You found me alive and couldn't bring yourself to kill me. It would have been alright if the storm had finished me off. I am like that cow and the storm is the butcher. Do you see now?"
"Yes, I see. You absolutely insist that you are a cow. I am not arguing. — Anya Wylde

I'm not bloody well going to have it, understand?" Vimes shouted, shaking the ape back and forth.
"Oook," the Librarian pointed out, patiently.
"What? Oh. Sorry." Vimes lowered the ape, who wisely didn't make an issue out of it because a man angry enough to lift 300 pounds of orangutan without noticing is a man with too much on his mind. — Terry Pratchett

Even the ones you don't like, you like better in Paris. — Janice Macleod

Kimaria smirked and placed her hands behind her back. "Come now. It doesn't have to come to that. Violence is so beneath us."
"No, it isn't," said Helianthus at once.
"Well . . . it is beneath me," the high queen said and touched a hand to her chest. "Unlike you, I am civilized. I wear shoes and I have a last name." They watched as she eased into a chair. She crossed one leg over the other, folded her arms, and regarded them calmly. "Aren't you the least bit curious as to how I snatched the famed Nineveh Atvaris from our dark past? You can't be that boring. — Ash Gray

It is true money will not buy you real happiness, but as a personal preference I would much rather have an angry strangle wank in the comfort of a private jet en route to Monte Carlo, than in a broom closet in the basement of a seedy crack house in Bangkok — Ade Bozzay

People can't really sympathize with you properly when you've woken them up — Maureen Johnson

Tallow was nervously aware that his name was on the worse cold-case dump CSU had ever seen. He was not looking forward to having them look at him and judge by eye exactly how much his organs might be worth on the black market. — Warren Ellis

Peabody may not have seen the man turn into a grizzly, but he was bright enough to know that Injun Joe was getting set to adjust another relative ass-to-ears ratio. — Jim Butcher

There are a number of rules that should be observed when one meets royalty, ranging from what one can say and when, to where one should stand, when one can sit, even where one should look. Sindy bobbed a nervous curtsy and, before being introduced, blurted out an invitation to come inside whilst looking John directly in the eye. — F.D. Lee

See, because being Coll is obviously the most important thing on earth. It's more important than getting a job, or having a girlfriend, or political power, or money, because all those things are predicated by Coolness. They happen because of it. They depend on it. — Ned Vizzini

Yes. Because every family needs a laser for thier family jet. — Eoin Colfer

So Septimus will be the eighty-second Lord of Stormhold," said Tertius.
"There is a proverbial saying chiefly concerned with warning against too closely calculating the numerical value of unhatched chicks," pointed out Quintus. — Neil Gaiman

Detective John Tallow, 1st Precinct."
"You," said Scarly. "I hate you so much my dick is hard. — Warren Ellis

While she lay there with these old worn thoughts coming obediently into her mind, called there by habit and the familiar quiet of early morning, she was aware that at the back of her mind there was another thought that was not at all stale, but so fresh that it was nearly a feeling, with all a feeling's delicious power to kill thought. — Stella Gibbons

No swamp dragon could ever terrorise a kingdom, except by accident. Vimes wondered how many had been killed by enterprising heroes. It was terribly cruel to do something like that to creatures whose only crime was to blow themselves absent-mindedly to pieces in mid-air, which was not something any individual dragon made a habit of. A race of, of whittles, that's what dragons were. Born to lose. Live fast, die wide. — Terry Pratchett

People think common sense is common - but it's not. — Don Cherry

When the power goes out, we jump up to ... To what? It's weird. We're so used to electricity, when it's gone, we don't know what to do. So we jump up or squeal or start jabbering like idiots. We panic. It's like someone cut off our oxygen. — Rick Yancey

My eyes bulged out of my head as I saw what rested between his hips. "Good Lord!" I said without thinking. A forked penis will do that to a girl. He glanced down at the appendage and smiled knowingly. "Once you go demon you never go back. — Jaye Wells

Ari, maybe we should get you out of here. No joke. You really are dangerous with thus truth serum in you, You might sat something you wished you hadn't."
"Like that your mum scares me, but I think your dad is kind of cute in and old-guy sort of way?"
"Exactly like that."
"Eh. I'm not worried. — Bridget Zinn

When you say fair, Samantha," said Mr Green through a peculiar smile, "do you mean one of those travelling fleets of vehicles that arrive and set up things like spinning Waltzers and Big Wheels and all manner of machines that whizz people around in circles and up and down and from side to side? Machines that could..." Mr Green turned away and his unnatural smile became even more unsettling... "easily go wrong! — Mark Gorton

Gone are the days when girls used to cook like their mothers and boys used to dress like their fathers.
Now girls drink like their fathers and boys dress like their mothers. — Habeeb Akande

What he lacks in intelligence he makes up for with ego. — Jim McGrath

Cowl's apprentice was tough and competent, but no amount of training or forethought can prepare you for the sight of an angry dinosaur coming to eat your ass. — Jim Butcher

Dad's romances could last anywhere between a platypus egg incubation (19-21 days) and a squirrel pregnancy (24-45 days). — Marisha Pessl

A year ago it would have torn me up, leaving a body behind as we sped away along the interstate. Now I was just glad it was him and not me who was lying in the woods. I was a terrible Christian and a decent survivalist. — Charlaine Harris

Mum repeated the old adage that money can't buy you everything ... before adding that she prefers using credit cards instead. — Kirkland Ciccone

Writing is all about tents: sometimes you're competent, sometimes you're eloquetent. — Kevin Focke

The street was full of animals, milling around uncertainly. When animals are in a state of uncertainty they get nervous, and the street was already, as it were, paved with anxiety. — Terry Pratchett

You know us naturist types.. when we party we party hard! — Lee Taylor

A pair of Blahniks and a girl can vanquish anything — Tyne O'Connell

Those pizzas I ate were for medicinal purposes. — Amy Neftzger

The trouble with eating Italian is that 5 or 6 days later, you're hungry again. — George Miller

Where is he? Bridgerton!" he bellowed.
Three chestnut heads swiveled in his direction. Simon stomped across the grass, murder in his eyes.
"I meant the idiot Bridgerton."
"That, I believe," Anthony said mildly, tilting his chin toward Colin, "would refer to you. — Julia Quinn

Recession should be added to the list of natural calamities — Subhasis Das

A good plot should have a strong middle and a spectacular end. But under no circumstances should it have a beginning. — A.M. Dean

Er, why do you need to work in a dark room, though?" he said. "The imps don't need it, do they?"
"Ah, zis is for my experiment," said Otto proudly. "You know zat another term for an iconographer would be 'photographer'? From the old word photos in Latation, vhich means - "
"'To prance around like a pillock ordering everyone about as if you owned the place'", said William.
"Ah, you know it! — Terry Pratchett

Just when you've squared up to the solemn realisation that life is a bitch, it turns round and does something nice, just to confuse you. - Emily Spitzer, The Better Mousetrap — Tom Holt

How do you manage for money?' I asked.

I was given two simultaneous replies of 'We get by' from Ian and 'Don't ask' from Neil. I favoured Ian's reply because it had less-sinister connotations. 'Don't ask' left open the possibility that they raised funds by selling hitch-hikers into slavery. I changed the subject. — Tony Hawks

The secret of a happy marriage remains a secret. — Henny Youngman

We're like superheroes! — Matthew Head

I am about to lose my temper,'
'I look too cute for that.'
'Stop daydreaming. — Rida Altaf

There's nothing like a headless corpse to bring a touch of excitement into one's life. — Chet Williamson

Went to get coffee today-opened my change purse. Sea shells fell out. Barista goes "Sorry, we only take cash or credit." So there's that. — Taylor Swift

You want me to be your spy in a game of restaurant espionage? Will I need a code name?"
"It's nothing morally reprehensible or anything, " Wes hastened to assure her. "Just curiosity."
"I think your code name should be Tiberius," she said decisively. "I'll be Uhura."
"Tiberius? As in James Tiberius Kirk?" Wes blinked, then grinned. "Oh my God, this is your version of flirting. How do you say 'I fancy you' in Klingon? — Louisa Edwards

Happy enough to smile like a man getting a hand job from a shake weight enthusiast. — Edward Lorn

When he came round he was staring up at the familiar face as Gwendolyn Dawling knelt over him about to address the nasty bump on his head.
'I haven't got any butter. So I hope this will do instead Father Moriarty', she said as she removed a dollop of Flora pro.activ from the carton.
'I don't think you use butter any more for bumps Gwendolyn.'
'Is it a Common Market thing?'
'No it's just bad science. — Ray Harris

That was a dhlang!" he said. "An evil spirit! The peasants down in the valleys hang up charms against them! But I thought they were just a superstition!"
"No, they're a substition," said Susan. "I mean they're real, but hardly anyone really believes them. Mostly everyone believes in things that aren't real. Something very strange is going on. Those things are all over the place, and they've got bodies. That's not right. We've got to find the person who built the clock - "
"And, er, what are you, Miss Susan?"
"Me? I'm ... a schoolteacher."
She followed his gaze to the wrench that she still carried in her hand, and shrugged.
"It can get pretty rough at break time, can it?" said Lobsang. — Terry Pratchett

His Greatness the King Pteppicymon XXVIII, Lord of the Heavens, Charioteer of the Wagon of the Sun, Steersman of the Barque of the Sun, Guardian of the Secret Knowledge, Lord of the Horizon, Keeper of the Way, the Flail of Mercy, the High Born One, the Never Dying King. — Terry Pratchett

Silk stockings. With garters. Well, they were out. There were a lot of things he'd do for Sybil, but if garters figured anywhere in the relationship they weren't going to be on him. — Terry Pratchett

The boldest of the three moved suddenly, grabbed Angua and pulled her upright. "We walk out of here unharmed or the girl gets it, all right?" he snarled.
Someone sniggered.
"I hope you're not going to kill anyone," said Carrot.
"That's up to us!"
"Sorry, was I talking to you?" said Carrot. — Terry Pratchett

Stop fretting and eat your Madeira Cake.. — Diane Samuels

We try to make guests feel welcome," said Dee, scuttling behind his desk. He pulled off his pointed hat and, to Vimes's amazement, put on a pair of thick smoked glasses.
"You had papers?" he said. Vimes handed them over.
"It says here "His Grace"," the dwarf said, after reading them for awhile.
"Yes, that's me."
"And there's a sir."
"That's me, too."
"And an excellency."
"'fraid so." Vimes narrowed his eyes. "I was blackboard monitor for awhile, too. — Terry Pratchett

There was a knock on the bedroom door. "Matt?"
Fuck. "Nope.
Silence. "Would you be the owner of the leather pants?"
"Yep."
She paused briefly. "I'm going to pass these through the door. You have exactly thirty seconds to pull them on, make yourself presentable and get your ass out here."
"Do I have any other options?"
"Only if Matt's got a window."
He looked at the window longingly. The thirty-six-story drop with no fire escape might be less painful, but he decided there was no avoiding it. "Understood. — Christine Price

I thought you were a drunk."
"A drunk?"
"Bloodshot eyes, dirty clothes, getting home in the wee hours of the morning, making a lot of
noise, grouchy all the time as if you had a hangover ... what else was I to think?"
He rubbed his face. "Sorry, I wasn't thinking. I should have showered, shaved, and dressed in a
suit before I came out to tell you that you were making enough noise to raise the dead. — Linda Howard

When I wanted to quit smoking cannabis a few years ago and found that I couldn't do it under my own steam I went in search of a self-help book to show me the way. Annoyingly all I could find were books on how to cultivate the damn stuff. So to exact my revenge on the world of publishing I decided to one day write that book myself. — Chris Sullivan

I've grown old with this century; there's not much left of either of us. — Penelope Lively

I do not really think Charlie knows much more about politics, history, or economics than I do. Like myself he was hit by a make-up towel almost before he was out of diapers. — Buster Keaton

Look down, your grace," said Skimmer. "Mhm, mhm."
Vimes realized he could feel the faintest prick of a knife blade on his stomach. "Look down further," he said.
Inigo looked down. He swallowed. Vimes had a knife, too. "You really are no gentleman, then," he said.
"Make a sudden move and neither are you," said Vimes. — Terry Pratchett

I stepped away from the car preparing my own smile because you catch more flies with honey than you do with shit. — Bruce Blake

There ain't enough happens in soccer. It's like watching twenty-two hair models kick a ball around for what seems like six months and then one of them falls over and the ball goes in the goal. — Warren Ellis

Sir," said the guard from behind me. "I'd appreciate it if you left your club here."
I paused and looked over my shoulder, He had a gun. His hand wasn't exactly resting on it, but he'd tucked his thumb into his belt about half an inch away.
"It isn't a club," I said calmly. "It's a walking stick."
"Six feet long."
"It's traditional Ozark folk art."
"With dents and nicks all over it."
I thought about it for a second. "I'm insecure?"
"Get a blanket. — Jim Butcher

I really didn't write it with any intention of being published. If I'd known that was going to happen, I would have written something more sensible, because now I have to dress up as a pirate for book signings ... I would have done a novel about a man who hangs around with a gaggle of models. — Gideon Defoe

Our age is so resolutely unheroic, and the employment opportunities for registered demigods are now so scarce, that all we can do, in our enfeebled state, is laugh with envy and disbelief at the memory of those who still had the wit and the wherewithal to live large. — Anthony Lane

How big a war?"
"A worse one than the one fifty years ago, I expect," said Cheery.
"I don't recall people talking about that one," said Vimes.
"Most humans didn't know about it," said Cheery. "It mostly took place underground. Undermining passages and digging invasion tunnels and so on. Perhaps a few houses fell into mysterious holes and people didn't get their coal, but that was about it."
"You mean dwarfs just try to collapse mines on other dwarfs?"
"Oh, yes."
"I thought you were all law-abiding?"
"Oh, yes, sir. Very law-abiding. Just not very merciful. — Terry Pratchett

After a few minutes, Molly came partway up the short ladder to the bridge and stopped. "Do I need to ask permission to come up there or something?"
"Why would you?" I asked.
She considered. "It's what they do on Star Trek? — Jim Butcher

My wife said never to judge her until I walked a mile in her shoes. That's how I found out I like wearing high heels. — Jerry Snider

I had an aunt named 'abnormal Shauna' once. But she passed away in an unfortunate cliff-top interpretative dance and fireworks accident. — Joshua Donellan

Just because I am paranoid does not mean that someone is not out to get me — Don Darkes

I think I'll give the Cage of Death a miss too," I said. Crocodiles were fascinating creatures, like living dinosaurs, but they could do their living over there somewhere, far away from me. — Renee Conoulty

Edward was now expressing himself on the subject of the French King, drawing upon a vocabulary that a Southwark brothel-keeper might envy. Some of what he was saying was anatomically impossible, much of it was true and all of it envenomed. — Sharon Kay Penman

But it is infamous that they have not told you!' declared Eustacie. 'Je n'en reviendrai jamais!'
'If it's all the same to you, miss, I'd just as soon you'd talk in a Christian language,' said Mr. Stubbs. — Georgette Heyer

I wonder what's the difference between ordinary councillors and privy councillors?" wondered the merchant aloud.
The assassin scowled at him. "I think," he said, "it is because you're expected to eat shit. — Terry Pratchett

She was an alien, really - a sort of eating, pooping, tantrum machine - and he didn't understand anything about her species. — Christopher Moore

Vimes was already lost. Oh, there was the sun, but that was just a direction. He could feel it on the side of his face.
And the camel rocked from side to side. There was no real way of judging distance, except by haemorrhoids. — Terry Pratchett

The plain old Sam Vimes had fought back. He got rid of most of the plumes and the stupid tights, and ended up with a dress uniform that at least looked as though its owner was male. But the helmet had gold decoration, and the bespoke armourers had made a new, gleaming breastplate with useless gold ornamentation on it. Sam Vimes felt like a class traitor every time he wore it. He hated being thought of as one of those people that wore stupid ornamental armour. It was gilt by association. — Terry Pratchett

My idea of exercise is a good brisk sit. — Phyllis Diller

Maybe I hadn't been a big dating success because I was a boring person, but possibly it had been because I had limited tolerance for all this preliminary maneuvering and signal reading. - Aurora — Charlaine Harris

Brussel Sprouts are bad for your health, Scientists have shown that everyone who ever ate a Sprout between the years 1762 and 1815 are now death. You have been warned — Ade Bozzay

While you're singing something romantic, I can't get the lyrics to 'Love and Marriage' out of my head, and that tune always reminds me of the jingle from Jeopardy. — E.A. Bucchianeri

Oi, stop looking at my nethers. Be a gentleman, look away. When a gal's in a predicament you should 'elp 'er out — James Minter

An odd arrangement ... to have a couch facing the bed, and I smile to myself - I've picked on the couch as odd, when really it's the most mundane piece of furniture in the room. - Anastasia seeing the playroom for the first time. — E.L. James

I shall destroy capitalism! Do you hear! I shall destroy every single capitalist! And I shall start with you, you dog, if you don't help us with the bomb!'
Allan noted that the had managed to be both a rat and a dog in the course of a minute or so. And that Stalin was being rather inconsistent, because now he wanted to use Allan's services after all.
But Allan wasn't going to sit there and listen to this abuse any longer. He had come to Moscow to help them out, not to be shouted at. Stalin would have to manage on his own.
'I've been thinking,' said Allan.
'What,' said Stalin angrily.
'Why don't you shave off that moustache?'
With that the dinner was over, because the interpreter fainted. — Jonas Jonasson

They play like file clerks file. — Lauren Kessler

There was my life before I told a strange woman in a negligee that I was a homosexual, and now there would be my life after, two chapters so dissimilar in style and content that they might have been written by different people. — David Sedaris

Vimes stuck his helmet under his arm, smoothed back his hair, and knocked. He'd considered asking Sargent Colon to accompany him, but had brushed the idea aside quickly. He couldn't have tolerated the sniggering. Anyway, what was there to be afraid of? He'd stared into the jaws of death three times; four, if you included telling Vetinari to shut up. — Terry Pratchett

All I had to say to anyone that doubted our love was, "Eat your knickers!". — Tyne O'Connell

Homo ferus: wild human. An unpredictable, nocturnal creature usually found in trees. Caution: may cause bewilderment and disorientation. Also, prone to teasing. — Jessica Khoury

The other two entered the room. Vimes gave his men his usual look of resigned dismay.
"My squad," he mumbled.
"Fine body of men," said Lady Ramkin. "The good old rank and file, eh?"
"The rank, anyway," said Vimes. — Terry Pratchett

He felt singularly light-hearted, and the immediate cause was his safety razor. A week ago he had bought the thing in a sudden fit of enterprise, and now he shaved in five minutes, where before he had taken twenty, and no longer confronted his fellows, at least one day in three, with a countenance ludicrously mottled by sticking-plaster. — John Buchan

In short, not only was it surprising to be greeted in person with such enthusiastic words, but it was doubly surprising when the person reciting these words displayed the same kind of disengagement as, say, the checkout clerk who utters the words 'Have a nice day' while her expression indicates that it's really a matter of total indifference to her whether you drop dead in the parking lot outside ten seconds from now. — David Foster Wallace

Anything can happen in love, war and South Inidan movies. — Jennifer Bernard

Embrace your enemy," the elders urged, "to prevent him striking you." ("Embrace your enemy," Henry quipped, "to feel his dagger tickle your kidneys.") — David Mitchell

The matron glanced at the old man and suppressed a smile. "He is absolutely miserable."
"I enjoy miserable. It gives one a contrast to all the delectabilities of life. But is he housebroken, inpala? He is rather rumpled. He will look well on my ship, but will he wash well? Do professors fray as a general rule? I will not have my ship looking ragged."
"They do tend to fade after a few years of hard use. — Michelle Franklin