Humorous Sex Quotes & Sayings

It's all right, darling. I'll finish the financial report on my own. I can think clearly before sex and stay awake afterwards. That's one of the nice things about being a woman. — Barbara Taylor Bradford

In the midst of this hormonal gloom, however, the calvary finally arrives, over the hill, jangling its spurs, and epaulettes shining in the sun: my green library card. Now I'm 13, I can get adult books out of the library, without having to borrow my parents'cards. And that means I can get secret books out. Dirty books. Books with sex in. — Caitlin Moran

If, as the scientist say, sex is such a driving force, why is so much of it nowadays found parked? — Henny Youngman

When she liked anyone it was quite natural for her to go to bed with him. She never thought twice about it. It was not vice; it wasn't lasciviousness; it was her nature. She gave herself as naturally as the sun gives heat or the flowers their perfume. It was a pleasure to her and she liked to give pleasure to others. — W. Somerset Maugham

Another example of getting flack from the boys is what happened when Jack Black dumped me. That's right. I fucked Jack Black. Okay, we went out only two or three times, but that's a relationship in my book. And by the way, this is my book. — Kathy Griffin

Me and Vinny are dead careful, and we only had sex once without a condom, our first time, and it's a scientific fact that virgins can't get pregnant. Stella told me. — David Mitchell

My sub doesn't pay for me," he says, pulling me to my feet. "That just doesn't happen."
"But we ordered so much," I say helplessly.
"It made you happy," he says simply. "Now I get to play with you. And that makes me happy."
"I don't think it's that simple an equation."
"Maybe not," he concedes. "But then, if if sex were the same thing as math, a lot more people would be lining up to take calculus. — Nenia Campbell

I'm twenty-four, a first grade teacher, have a Yorkie named Pedro, a goldfish named Fish, have never had sex, or a serious boyfriend, and I'm the town lesbian who pukes when she sees a pussy. Nothing really to be jealous of at all. — H.J. Bellus

Many of my ex-girlfriends were habitual half-asian daters. These women considered half-asian men 'exotic,' 'sexy,' and 'just-like-Keanu Reeves-in-the-Matrix. I consider these stereotypes appropriate because I got laid. — Kip Fulbeck

Some girls have a real sexy giggle, but whenever I laugh it always comes out somewhere between a bellow and a snort! — Elizabeth Jane Howard

Better laid than never. — Joan Rivers

I'll lie still for a lot of things - but sex isn't one of them. — Joan Rivers

Sex is the Universal Language in which nobody speaks; they don't have to. — George Burns

Retirement is lie sex. Men love to talk about it, but when the time finally comes, they're good for about fifteen minutes then they're dying to put their ties back on. — Paula Wall

BABY BOY, FASHION IS NOT FOR ADVERTISING YOUR FAVE SEX ACTS ON YOUR SHIRT. UNH-UNH, NO IT'S NOT ! — Lauren Weisberger

That girl had a great way of making friends, and strangers, and anyone else who was around. — Joan Rivers

She looks me dead in the face and says, "The safe word is going to be 'immigration,' because you know I'll stop it. — Kayti McGee

It's funny, this - so many words to describe the same thing," she smiled..."Penis is simply an anatomical appendage, as exciting as a finger or a phalange. A willy is something small and flaccid, and at least slightly humorous. Prick is the organ as viewed with distaste, perhaps with so much as to describe the entire body it's attached to, like a dick, but more so. Phallus is a symbol of fertility, but my favourite...is the cock, which is only ever the hard, real thing, unleashed and ready to dive head-first into any waiting orifice. Or hole, while I'm in thesaurus mode. — Morgana Blackrose

Thank goodness it only lasted a minute or so.
The inhalant, that is. The sex was rather longer — Belle De Jour

She decided that if Lucas was gay then she was going to have to get a sex change operation. He would be so worth it. — Josephine Angelini

With all the precautions and risks that accompany sex today, it sounds about as much fun as walking through a minefield. — Erma Bombeck

A sexual athlete is not likely to find sufficient energy for work of another athletic kind, and the acting of great parts most definitely was and always will be athletic, depending on inner if not on visible energy. Members of other professions that depend on the expenditure of physical energy must, I believe, find similar difficulties when attempting to double up on their energies. One has often heard that the most magnificent specimens of boxers, wrestlers and champions in almost every branch of athletic sport prove to be disappointing upon the removal of that revered jockstrap. — Laurence Olivier

My dad had once told me, crimson-red deep in "the talk," that with sons, all he had to worry about was one penis, but with a daughter, he had to worry about everyone else's. — Nicole Williams

When they figure out how to bottle up orgasms and sell them as a food additive, I'll be first in line. — Nenia Campbell

For a man to get married and stay married, he must detach from and disavow the three things that bind him to reality: sex, travel, and near-death experiences. — Brian D'Ambrosio

I am a trembling mess from hip to knee. There is a terrible heat, a looseness in my innards that makes me want to dig my fists between my thighs. It is a confusing feeling - somewhere between diarrhoea and sex - this grief that is almost genital. — Anne Enright

The point of tantric sex was supposedly to harness sexual energy to awaken higher consciousness. It was just like yoga, but way more fun. — Jackson Radcliffe

Nothing spices up one's sex life like having a partner. — Jacob M. Appel

If you want to add some variety to your sex life, why don't you just use your other hand?" ~ Gabi — Cherise Sinclair

The Woman had once been supreme; in France she still seemed potent, not merely as a sentiment but as a force; why was she unknownin America? for evidently America was ashamed of her, and she was ashamed of herself, otherwise they would not have strewn fig-leaves so profusely all over her. When she was a true force, she was ignorant of fig-leaves, but the monthly-magazine-made American female had not a feature that would have been recognized by Adam. The trait was notorious, and often humorous, but anyone brought up among Puritans knew that sex was sin. In any previous age, sex was strength. — Henry Adams

Sex with a married woman ten years his senior was stress free and fulfilling, because it couldn't lead to anything — Haruki Murakami

The only way I'd need a pain reliever to enjoy sex is if all of my fantasies came true at the same time. — Drew Carey

Everything is uncomfortable for the first time: School, Smoking or Sex. — Aakash Deep

This is the sixty-nine," I told him, presenting the magazine in front of him. I put my fingers
two of them
on the action, so that he would not overlook it. "Why is it dubbed sixty-nine?" he asked, because he is a person hot on fire with curiosity. "It was invented in 1969. My friend Gregory knows a friend of the nephew of the inventor." "What did people do before 1969?" "Merely blowjobs and masticating box, but never in chorus. — Jonathan Safran Foer

What I know now is that gallant young men rarely get pussy. Put it on a sampler and hang it in your kitchen. — Stephen King

It was as if God himself saw that my intention was to make my outer self match my inner fabulosity and didn't think the world could handle such an explosion of amazingness. So instead of letting me get to the gym where I would have transformed myself into a walking sex god, he created a Dunkin' Donuts out of nothing and then gave them away for free. I didn't make it to the gym. I had a bear claw instead. And a maple bar. And some donut holes. And then some more donut holes. — T.J. Klune

Hold up. How do you accidentally have sex with somebody?" Adina scoffed. "Is she all, 'Oh, I'm so sorry, I didn't see your penis there'? — Libba Bray

It wasn't my finest moment, but I rolled my eyes and actually huffed. "Fine, don't answer. I don't even know why I asked."
"No, I am not having sex with anyone."
"Oh." I shrugged nonchalantly, but for some reason his response filled me with glee. It was as if a unicorn had appeared beneath a double rainbow and started tap dancing. — Penny Reid

Let me get one thing straight; I'm not an authority on sex, I'm more of a fan. I think sex is nice; no family should be without it. Of course, there are other things that are just as important as sex, like uh ... like uh ... like ... uh ... well, I'll think of it later. — George Burns

If men had to have babies there wouldn't be any sex life left. — Thorne Smith

I'm telling you that at eight she knew more about reproduction than Xerox. — Joan Rivers

It was like there was an elephant in the room. An elephant that expected us to have sex. — Morgan Matson

In my experience, the romance novels written about BDSM have about as much in common with actual BDSM relationships as a child playing with a jump rope. — Nenia Campbell

Sex has been around for a long time. You may not believe this, but it was around before I was. — George Burns

In this book I do not intend to give a blow-by-blow description of a sex bout: I find them inartistic, clinical and unpoetic. The circumstances that lead up to sex I find more interesting. — Charlie Chaplin

The thought of my mother talking to me about sex makes me want to stab my eyes out with a fork, gouge even deeper and scramble my brains to prevent the conversation from ever happening. — Addison Moore

This isn't sex."
I blinked. "Oh. Then what is it?"
"An emergency!"
I started to argue and then thought twice about it. Considering what Mircea would do to Pritkin if he ever found out about this ... Yeah. Emergency sounded good. — Karen Chance

I'm afraid that, in this chapter we must talk about sex in a very explicit manner, because we want to expand the Frontiers of Human Understanding and also we want to sell as many books as possible to adolescent boys. — Dave Barry

If you absolutely had to have sex with one of the Three Stooges, who would it be? — Douglas Carter Beane

I see we have a problem.' Lucas gripped her other arm and gave her a non-too-gentle shake. 'Are you in a relationship? or...' Those dark eyes searching hers narrowed into slits. 'Are you married? — C.C. MacKenzie

It's a good thing, right, when an author gets turned on by the dirty scenes they write?! — Martha Sweeney

Not planned... Hoped for maybe, but not planned. I'm a guy. I pretty much always think sex might be an option. — Heather Thurmeier

Lucian. She's not normal. She's got the sex drive of Ursula. I'm so ashamed to say I've faked illnesses and gone to the doctor just to have a doctor's excuse! ~Steve~ — Lucian Bane

Sex in the nineties is boring. The problem is that it has gone from an active act to a spectator sport. We watch people make love on television and in films. We call 900 numbers to hear what someone would do to us if they weren't sitting in a boiler room of other dirty talkers reading from a prepared script. — Erma Bombeck

The only thing more difficult than persuading someone else to start having sex with you is persuading yourself to stop. — Jacob M. Appel

You'll let me put a total stranger's piss hose in my mouth while my knees scream in agony on the hard floor? Right here in from of everyone? Gosh, such a hard thing to pass up. But you know, I'd rather eat Ebola pudding than let your sad little dick near me." She wiggled her fingers as she slipped past him. "Toodles" Oh, he needed to tap that. — Larissa Ione

Is that how you get propositioned at the court? 'Mylady, would you be so kind as to allow me to put my manhood in your vagina'? — Erica Dakin

When you're young and you get to choose between sleep and sex you take sex everytime. You start getting older, you get to choose between sleep and sex, you choose sleep and just hope you have a dream about sex. — Jeff Foxworthy

Now, I'm not against sex before marriage, but two minutes before? When the organist played "Here Comes the Bride" ... — Joan Rivers

The tiny space, the toilet, two hundred strangers just a few inches away, it's so exciting, the lack of room to maneuver, it helps if you're double-jointed. Use your imagination. Some creativity and a few simple stretching exercises and you can be knock, knock, knockin' on heaven's door. You'll be amazed how time flies. — Chuck Palahniuk

If sex were food, Rhage would haven been morbidly obese. — J.R. Ward

Nigromanta took him to her room, which was lighted with false candlesticks, to her folding cot with the bedding stained from bad loves, and to her body of a wild dog, hardened and without a soul, which prepared itsself to dismiss him as if he were a frightened child, and suddenly it found a man whose tremendous power demanded a movement of seismic readjustment from her insides. — Gabriel Garcia Marquez

The first time I came across the birds and the bees in actual flight, I couldn't identify the formation. — Bill Cosby

The difference between pornography and erotica is lighting. — Gloria Leonard

I'm not saying that women don't think about sex also. I'm saying that women are capable, for at least brief periods of time, of not thinking about sex, and that most guys are not. — Dave Barry

Lady Margaret believed in the three D's: Discipline, Desire, and Determination. But as she listened dutifully to her new employer, hiding her yawns and trying to sit up extra straight in her chair, Charity Hill began thinking of all the lovely things that began with S, such as Sleeping Late, Sex, and Shopping. — Elizabeth Jane Howard