Humorous Romance Quotes & Sayings

Tell them I have the headache
no, the plague! I need something nice and contagious. — Lauren Willig

The door opened, held by the butler, and Lord Montagu swept into the room, his presence overwhelming the space. She could swear even the flowers in their vases perked up and listed in his direction. Honest to Pete. — Angela Quarles

Dude! Get a fucking grip, it's just a song!
When had I turned into a 5-yr-old girl? At the very least, I needed to get my libido under control before the song finished, because I didn't think that my raging hard-on would be a good icebreaker. Well, figuratively speaking anyway, I thought smugly. — M.C. Lavocat

What better time to be kind to a beautiful stranger than when she's weak, and rocking a schnoz like the Godfather? — Leslea Tash

My sub doesn't pay for me," he says, pulling me to my feet. "That just doesn't happen."
"But we ordered so much," I say helplessly.
"It made you happy," he says simply. "Now I get to play with you. And that makes me happy."
"I don't think it's that simple an equation."
"Maybe not," he concedes. "But then, if if sex were the same thing as math, a lot more people would be lining up to take calculus. — Nenia Campbell

Ryan, when did you get a girlfriend?" his sister asked.
"She's not my girlfriend, Kaylen," Ryan replied. "Go away. — S. Walden

I'm twenty-four, a first grade teacher, have a Yorkie named Pedro, a goldfish named Fish, have never had sex, or a serious boyfriend, and I'm the town lesbian who pukes when she sees a pussy. Nothing really to be jealous of at all. — H.J. Bellus

I've fucked you, licked you, bound you, flogged you, and spanked you. Jesus, Lilly, how much more do you want to get to know each other? — Ella Dominguez

The grandfather clock struck the half hour. She must be away. Glancing from Mama to Mrs. Smith to Mrs. Astor, she did the only polite thing she could do.

She rolled her eyes back in her head, exhaled a loud gasp and swooned out of her chair. — Rachel Hauck

He is the biggest asshole on the planet," Jarod says. "And in a planet that's currently drowning in assholes, that's saying a lot. — Siobhan Davis

I'm infatuated with you, I cannot deny it. Physically speaking, you're a very attractive man. But I don't like you, the vast majority of the time. So far as I can gather, you behave abominably in public and are only marginally better in private. I only find you remotely tolerable when you're kissing me. — Tessa Dare

Panty Melter: an exceedingly rare species of man blessed with so many desirable attributes he effortlessly gains access into a girl's panties. — Tracy Brogan

When I was a kid, I just read and read. We were lucky enough to have gone to England and had a whole bunch of Penguin Puffins books, like The Land of Green Ginger by Noel Langley, which is hilarious. I would love to be able to write a book like that, but I don't know that I have a humorous bone in my body when it comes to writing. Once on a Time by A.A. Milne. I read a lot of old, old fantasy stuff. The Carbonelbooks by Barbara Sleigh. Then when I got a little older I loved Zilpha Keatley Snyder. I was a big fan of romance and when I got a little bit older I would read a Harlequin romance or a Georgette Heyer novel and then David Copperfield, and then another genre book and then Irving Stone's The Agony and the Ecstasy. I was that kind of reader. One book that I loved was I Capture the Castle by Dodie Smith. I loved voice and that book had it in spades. And then of course I grew into loving Jane Eyre. — Franny Billingsley

It looks like two alpacas fucking, mostly," he said apologetically. "Of course, sometimes, the boy can't get his boy parts past the girl's furry ass, and he needs a little help, so then it looks like two alpacas fucking while their handler's giving the one on top a handjob. — Amy Lane

Don't think you're some kind of snowflake, suit guy. I'm a bitch to everyone. — Magan Vernon

She looks me dead in the face and says, "The safe word is going to be 'immigration,' because you know I'll stop it. — Kayti McGee

Looks to me like Felicity didn't enjoy being mauled, Daniel pointed out reasonably. When what he reasonably wanted to do, was shove Stuart's head so far up his ass the next time he gargled he'd give himself a colonic. -Felicity Stripped Bare — Vanessa Jaye

Men fight like men. Women fight like unchained demons. — Heather Blanton

Tom leaned in and spoke in a low, confidential voice, "Sir. You have a little something ... " He lifted his forefinger surreptitiously to his own upper lip.
Harrison brought his hand to his mustache to brush something off it, his eyes questioning. "What is it?"
"Carpet remnant?" Tom suggested. — Jez Morrow

It's all life is. Just going 'round kissing people. — F Scott Fitzgerald

You should go."
"I can't."
"Because you want to stare at the monster?" Alec's green eyes blaze, but with a wholly human fire now. "Or because you pity me?" I couldn't guess which possibility he loathes more.
I fold my arms. "I can't leave because the door's locked. Believe me, I would've gone hours ago if I could have."
"Oh. Of course." Then he looks so abashed
so boyish, and so handsome
that I almost want to laugh. — Claudia Gray

You look good as a Pirate." Erin
"Ahoy, matey," he said, laying her back against the grass. "Me cap'n's ship needs a port." V' Aidan
"Me cap'n's port needs a ship." Erin — Sherrilyn Kenyon

He has been mad for you these many months, ever since you prodded him in the nether regions with a hedgehog. — Gail Carriger

I threw my hand over my mouth and blurted out the first best excuse I could come up with, Morning breath! — Melissa Aragon

You can't fall in love with someone in a day."
"Romeo and Juliet did," Melanie says, tugging me toward the exit.
"Yeah, and then they killed themselves a few hours later. Thanks for the pep talk, Mel. — Chie Aleman

She had no idea how she was supposed to act, no idea how to feel. Julian had just made incredible love to her, but he wasn't *in love* with her. He'd stamped himself forever on her
body, heart, and soul
but a year from now he probably wouldn't remember who she was. He'd rocked her world, and yet he was only temporarily a part of it.
What was a woman supposed to say? "Thanks, stud"? — Pamela Clare

I've become remarkably good at blocking impossibly bizarre happenings from my consciousness. Denial can be a beautiful thing. — M.A. George

There's no romance in geometry," Lindsey answered.
"Just you wait. — John Green

The important thing for any writer to remember is to take the writing seriously, but not the writer. — A.E. Poynor

You'll have to excuse Kyle; he's somewhat of a history geek and gets himself all excited. He talks without thinking sometimes," Collin said punching his arm. "But, he is well informed about our situation. He knows details about things that I don't."
"What does he know exactly?"
"Kyle said the book dates a long way back."
I tilted my head. "You mean the book I've been writing in?" Collin nodded. "How does he know this?"
"I love this," Kyle interrupted. "I'm in the car right? You guys can see me? — Nicole Gulla

McG: 11:39 PM: Tease. A: Bushy prehistoric looking veggies frighten me.
Lilliana: 11:41 PM: WTH are we talking about here?
McG: 11:42 PM: Fucking auto correct. VAGINAS! Bushy vaginas put the fear of God in me. Seriously, Lilly, if you've got one, groom that shit unless you want to see a grown alpha male curl into the fetal position and cry. It won't be pretty. Just sayin — Ella Dominguez

You're bubbly and approachable.".... "I'm none of those things. The sarcastic wit and humorous charm is a front. I honestly despise people. I like to consider myself as more of a dictator that staff are confident in but scared to approach. — Eden Summers

He stares at me, not saying a word. I stare right back, lost in his eyes and determined to get my point across. If he wants to have a staring contest, he'll lose, hands down. I know a good thing when I see it. — J.C. Patrick

Nothing spices up one's sex life like having a partner. — Jacob M. Appel

What are men to rocks and mountains?
April 1, 1816: The Prince Regent enjoyed Jane Austen's novels, but he requested that she try her hand at a historical romance with less satirical and humorous elements. Austen was not amused. On this day, she wrote to the Prince Regent, I could not sit down to write a serious romance under any other motive than to save my life. — Jane Austen

A true lover never demands a naked girl with him,rather he feels her presence all the time with him — Nitin Yaduvanshi

I engage in subtle stalking. That's entirely different and perfectly socially acceptable. — Siobhan Davis

You didn't just accidentally win my favor," I dispute, slowly shaking my
forehead against his.
"You earned it. Now, if I can just save your life twenty or thirty more times ... We might actually be able to call it even. — M.A. George

Alright. So how are we getting down there? Can you turn invisible or something?"

"What do I look like? A magician?"

"Well, can you fight?"

"Can you?"

"No," said Thalcu with a sad laugh. "Zonbiri women aren't allowed to handle anything bigger than a butter knife. Not legally, anyway. Besides, I could never shoot a gun. My hands are used to pushing remote control buttons, pounding game controllers . . . picking the good chips from the bag. — Ash Gray

Why, oh why was I standing entranced when I should have been releasing my inner she wolf on his arse? — Lilly James

When just a kid, moved back to Canada and looking for a taste of England, I'd picked up a book of my Gram's, a dog-eared romance from the 'sixties about English hospital 'sisters' trying to get it on with the doctors, and thought it very shocking behaviour for nuns. — Roberta Pearce

When life gives you lemons, find a friend whose life has given them tequila and have a party. — Nefertiti Faraj

Emma was doing something nice for Simon? Hell must be enjoying the snow day. — E.J. Stevens

Are you sure you have enough sweetener in that? I could offer to conscript the rest of the cubes from the galley for you. — K.L. Tharp

What's the fuckin' difference between leggings and tights? — Rene Webb

I see we have a problem.' Lucas gripped her other arm and gave her a non-too-gentle shake. 'Are you in a relationship? or...' Those dark eyes searching hers narrowed into slits. 'Are you married? — C.C. MacKenzie

Are you in any pain? (Ariana Skyee)
Only my heart. (Cal Remus) — Siobhan Davis

Is that how you get propositioned at the court? 'Mylady, would you be so kind as to allow me to put my manhood in your vagina'? — Erica Dakin

The only thing more difficult than persuading someone else to start having sex with you is persuading yourself to stop. — Jacob M. Appel

He pulled out a dagger from ... she wasn't sure where. Did he have that in his loin cloth? What else does he have in there?
(Amy's thoughts, The Witching Pen) — Dianna Hardy

I have never seen so much male hotness in one place in my entire life," Rach rasps. "I fucking love America. — Siobhan Davis

Not planned... Hoped for maybe, but not planned. I'm a guy. I pretty much always think sex might be an option. — Heather Thurmeier

It's a good thing, right, when an author gets turned on by the dirty scenes they write?! — Martha Sweeney

Only few moments of love has greater value than entire life — Nitin Yaduvanshi

You ever had a hickey? I want to give you a hickey."
"Karl, we're not fourteen!"
"Don't bloody care. I was in love with you when I was fourteen
your neck owes me a hickey."
(Karl & Elena) — Dianna Hardy

He has me pinned on my back in record time, his mouth crashing against mine as we frantically devour one another. "Awesome speech," he murmurs, pushing my sweater up and planting his hot mouth against my equally hot skin. "Very motivational. — Siobhan Davis

I seem to have forgotten my towel," she said, feeling heat everywhere. I'm a fool.
He stepped forward, meeting her gaze. "I seem to have forgotten my name," he said, licking his lips. "Maybe we could both get in the shower and you could scream it for me. — Anna Banks

In all of the possible scenarios Kian had envisioned, encountering a lunatic had not been one of them. It just showed him that he could never be completely prepared. — D.A. Rhine

The workings of the male mind are twisted indeed. Winnifred Crane — Kate Noble

He shifted his attention back to me and leaned in closer. "I told you to behave. I don't want to have to arrest you ever again."
"Um ... okay."
I felt him slide something under my hand. He leaned in even closer, his mouth by my ear, and whispered, "Although I wouldn't mind handcuffing you."
Oh. My. God. — Robyn Peterman

For the love of mercy, I cannot walk into mediation with a swollen vagina, Cash. Please."
I smile against her thigh, rubbing my scratchy face against the softness of her skin.
"Is that what I'm doing?" Innocence - fuck no. I can't even fake that shit. — Pella Grace

Great, Alexia thought, I have gone from soul sucker to electrical ground. The epithets just get sweeter and sweeter. — Gail Carriger

In my experience, the romance novels written about BDSM have about as much in common with actual BDSM relationships as a child playing with a jump rope. — Nenia Campbell

The wonderful poems interpreting with equal magic the romance of strange lands and times, or the modern soul, naked and unashamed, as if clothed in its own complexity; the humorous-tragic questionings of the universe; the delicious travel-pictures and fantasies; the lucid criticisms of art, and politics, and philosophy, informed with malicious wisdom, shimmering with poetry and wit. — Israel Zangwill

Life is full of things that can kill me, you vampire m*****f****r, and you sure as shit can just get in line!
Dr. Adin Tredeger — Z.A. Maxfield

She shook her head as she confessed, "I want it so much, I'm afraid to hope."
"Never be afraid to hope," Rohan said gently. "It's the
only way to begin."
-Rohan to Win — Lisa Kleypas

A layer of fine powder coats his skin.
"My lungs are turning to concrete," Rob wheezes, hacking and spitting.
"So are my eyes. How do I always get roped into these things?" Avery coughs and pats Rob's back in sympathy. A poof of dust billows from the contact. — Laura Kreitzer

He licked up to her ear and whispered, "You taste like summer. Did I ever mention, summer is my favorite season? — Heather Thurmeier

They view New York as Satan's waiting room." "If this is the waiting room, where does the guy reside or work?" "New Jersey, I assume," Kyle said with a smile. "I mean, dude, have you been to Jersey? — Michael Murphy

It says adult prison on the gates, not Hogwarts. Now, get in and say hi to your new housmate. — Dean Cole

Can a person really love someone so deeply after only a week? Hello? Cliche much for insta-love? — Christy Pastore

Listen. Just because we got a mutual hankering, doesn't mean we have to act on it. Aside from the hankering, there isn't much about you that I like. So far, you've been a pain in the behind. And I might as well tell you, I've followed through on one hankering and getting shot was more of an enjoyable experience. I didn't like it. — Maggie Osborne

Sitting up, Jocelyn rolled her head from side to side. "Been better."
"Heard you're a doctor now." She grabbed the thermometer.
"Yes, a veterinarian."
Placing her fist on her ample hip, Mia scoffed, "You go to that fancy school in Washington State and now you don't eat meat?"
"Good Lord! I'm not a vegetarian - — Patricia W. Fischer

The first sign that Karma was now in cahoots with the Devil Incarnate to ruin her existance should've been before sunrise and pre-coffee. — Kelly Moran

In my family nudity just doesn't exist; I'm pretty sure my parents were both born fully clothed and still shower that way. — Huston Piner

Believe in something, and let that something be yourself. — Harley Brooks

ALGERNON. I really don't see anything romantic in proposing. It is very romantic to be in love. But there is nothing romantic about a definite proposal. Why, one may be accepted. One usually is, I believe. Then the excitement is all over. The very essence of romance is uncertainty. If ever I get married, I'll certainly try to forget the fact.
JACK. I have no doubt about that, dear Algy. The Divorce Court was specially invented for people whose memories are so curiously constituted.
ALGERNON. Oh! there is no use speculating on that subject. Divorces are made in Heaven- ... — Oscar Wilde

Just tell him to keep his hands to himself and his python in his pants. — Evangeline Anderson

I'm hoping you end up happily married to the man of your dreams and have a hoard of beautiful kids that'll keep you on your toes by turning your neighbours into various types of pond-life." He then shot her his signature grin. "But if it happens to be me, then I wouldn't say no."
(Karl to Elena in The Witching Pen) — Dianna Hardy

Do you mind? Just drape your arm around her shoulder. That's it. Yes this is good, Mr.Henshaw. Getting your picture taken with Daphne is a great way to introduce you to our set. Welcome to Santa Lucia! — Barbara Jean Coast