Humorous Retirement Quotes & Sayings

The secret of longevity ... Is to keep breathing! — Sophie Tucker

Retirement is lie sex. Men love to talk about it, but when the time finally comes, they're good for about fifteen minutes then they're dying to put their ties back on. — Paula Wall

The persons hardest to convince that they're at the retirement age are children at bedtime. — Shannon Fife

So far as good writing goes, the use of the exclamation mark is a sign of failure. It is the literary equivalent of a man holding up a card reading LAUGHTER to a studio audience. — Miles Kington

There's an enormous number of managers who have retired on the job. — Peter Drucker

-Bumblebee bat, how do you see at night?
-I make a squeaky sound that bounces back from whatever it hits. I see by hearing. — Darrin Lunde

Walt also had a humorous sign posted outside the mansion, recruiting ghosts who wanted to enjoy 'active retirement' in the "country club atmosphere' of this 'fashionable address'. Interested ghosts were to write to the 'Ghost Relations Dept. Disneyland,' and were told,'Do not apply in person. — Leslie Le Mon

If you have love in your life it can make up for a great many things you lack. If you don't have it, no matter what else there is, it's not enough. — Ann Landers

We were decadent in our intimacy. Leaving no inch of skin untouched lest a moment of rapture slip through our grasp. Thrusting and plunging, in dazed euphoria, the exquisite cravings for those carnal delights ravaged our souls until shamelessly, gasping lust tainted air, we discovered insatiability... — Virginia Alison

I fear being shaken out of them because I am afraid that my peaceful sleep may be followed by hard labour when I wake, and that I shall have to struggle not in the light but in the imprisoning darkness of the problems I have raised. — Rene Descartes

COBB: Our dreams feel real while we're in them. It's only when we wake we realize things were strange.

Ariadne gestures around them-

ARIADNE: But all the textures of real life-the stone, the fabric... cars... people... your mind can't create all this.

COBB: It does. Every time you dream. Let me ask you a question: You never remember the beginning of your dreams, do you? You just turn up in the middle of what's going on.

ARIADNE: I guess.

COBB: So... how did we end up at this restaurant? — Christopher J. Nolan

But I'm really enjoying my retirement. I get to sleep in every day. I do crossword puzzles and eat cake. — Derek Landy

That's the thing about being scared, though. You can't control it. When you're scared, you're scared. And when you're scared, everything seems scarier than it ordinarily would be - even things that aren't. Everything that scares you kind of mushes together to become this big, terrifying feeling. It's like you're covered in this blanket of fear, — R.J. Palacio

I don't really have Down's syndrome; I just have a slight case of it. — Chris Burke

If I see my films described as 'quirky' or, even worse, 'snarky' one more time, I'm going to probably seriously consider an early retirement. All these years, I've labored under the conceit that they were darkly humorous.' — Terry Zwigoff

In my recollection, there have been many places and people I have been both blessed and cursed to know. Much joy and heartache can come from immortality, for loneliness can be lethal. I have unfortunately witnessed many I cared for, both mortal and not, perish. I have never been able to own anything that was truly mine. Once, I possessed everything, but many moons have come since that time.
Sacha Borishauski — Wynter Wilkins