Humorous Quotes Quotes & Sayings

My favorite quote in the world is this one. — Richelle E. Goodrich

I wasn't a class clown, because nuns have no sense of humor. They have rulers. — Dan Alatorre

Seriously, why aren't you on drugs?" Cath walked past her out of the room.
"Are you a licensed psychiatrist? Or do you just play one on TV?"
"I'm on drugs," Reagan said. "They're a beautiful thing. — Rainbow Rowell

Money changes people. This process is more commonly known as trading. — Kevin Focke

Suddenly, the double doors of the parlor whooshed open. A large fleshy woman stood before me in full regalia. Her eyes were all made up, earrings and bracelets jangling. The sign in the window said Miss Sadie was a medium. From the look of her, I'd say that was a bit wishful. — Clare Vanderpool

My partner and I were going to renew our vowels, but the consonants revolted. — Stewart Lee Beck

Engineer is the one who thinks Dark Fantasy is a condom and not a biscuit — Subhasis Das

Wisdom of the Ages: "Boxing Day" In the UK, the day after Christmas is named after the first activity that takes place between husband and wife after the Christmas receipts are added up. — Matthew D. Heines

No one is normal. Everyone is just pretending to be normal. — Alessandra Torre

-Have a Glass of wine & over time it will be fine. — Hazel Cartwright

They appear somewhat unreliable," he murmured.
"Unreliable? Nonsense, Superior! Out of luck is all, and we both know how that goes, no? Why, there's not a man of them I wouldn't trust my mother to."
"Are you sure?"
"She's been dead these twenty years. What harm could they do her now? — Joe Abercrombie

Prepare for a radio, for nothing is silent like the grave — Bangambiki Habyarimana

Some girls have a real sexy giggle, but whenever I laugh it always comes out somewhere between a bellow and a snort! — Elizabeth Jane Howard

Common sense is only irritating in other people — Martyn V. Halm

Have you ever heard of a condom? Don't Carpathians have condoms? Because I'm thinking that if you're all that worried, a condom might be just the thing."
His smile was slow in coming. "I had not thought of that. As a rule Carpathians do not need such things. — Christine Feehan

I've learned my lesson. I know nothing. — Ljupka Cvetanova

What does it take to be a writer? 1) Foolhardily believing that someone might actually be interested in reading what you've written. 2) Spending an enormous amount of time writing it as well as you can. 3) Accepting that, at best, you'll probably be paid something around 25 cents an hour for your efforts. — Todd Strasser

The other shoppers were too well behaved to stare at the green-headed stoner and the tear-streaked lady zigzagging up the aisles with a chubby bearded guy scurrying behind them picking up the things they dropped. — Amy Goldman Koss

Shut your gob, You tell me nothing in my kennel. Here, I am Queen Bitch, and you will muzzle yourself. Kebibi Ahuda to prisoner — Tamora Pierce

And you'd be left there like a fucking dumpling. You'd be standing there. A fucking dumpling man I'm telling ye. — James Kelman

Are you aware that Jesus Christ can spell? I get so tired of you spelling every slang and cuss word that crosses your mind, as though you are pulling one over on the Lord. — Brenda Sutton Rose

My voice of reason is always Lola. "You're a jackass."
"You only say that when I'm being your voice of reason."
"Out of my head, witch. And don't piss me off, I tell her. "I'll buy you underwear one size too small for Christmas and make you hate life. — Christina Lauren

It looks like two alpacas fucking, mostly," he said apologetically. "Of course, sometimes, the boy can't get his boy parts past the girl's furry ass, and he needs a little help, so then it looks like two alpacas fucking while their handler's giving the one on top a handjob. — Amy Lane

Women are heavyweight boxers; only, they punch with words, not fists. — Matshona Dhliwayo

You know, you're rather amusingly wrong. — Terry Pratchett

I vote, I challenge Bathymaasy and we shoot arrows at you dearest brother. Artemis
Set and Bathymaas laughed.
Apollo, not so much. — Sherrilyn Kenyon

If You Lose Your Keys, At Least It's Better Than Losing Your Car. — Edward Harris

Kope!" the other guy yeled. "What the frick?! You got some cheetah blood in you or what?""Seriously!" insisted Blake. "How did you run so fast?"
"I am African." Without taking his eyes from mine, Kopano eased himself off me, and I sat up. — Wendy Higgins

While a kind man was working up the nerve to ask me on a date, I was working up the nerve to kill him with my bare hands — Amy McAuley

A shame. As promising as a sky full'a rainbows but as useful as a bag'a dirt. — Quoleena Sbrocca

Observation:

Thanks to technological advances, avid readers seem to be replacing DTBAD (Dead Tree Book Acquisition Disorder) with an alphabet soup of more more modern-day hoarding behaviors: EBAD (E-Book Acquistion Disorder), EGAD (Electronic Gadget Acquisition Disorder), and ABAD (Audiobook Acquisition Disorder). Of course, there's also MYBAD (Movie and YouTube Acquisition Disorder: the hoarding or obsessive viewing of digital films and videos, some based on books). If any of these syndromes describes you, take heart: there's probably an app for that! - 8/9/2013 — Lisa Tolliver

Julesa: "Are you a fool? Father will have you hung if he realises you've escaped."
Never: "Everyone dies from something. — Ashley Capes

But in a time of war, knowledge made interesting friendships. Soon, the scholars and the thieves were . . . well, thick as thieves. — Ken Liu

Despair all ye mortals," he said in a voice of doom. "the mama approacheth — Lexi George

I never inhaled. — Bill Clinton

I'm not sexist, I'd f**k both sexes equally if I was gay - John Blu — David Gallie

Hangin' upside down ain't good for nobody but possums. — DiAnn Mills

The old Janey only drank cheap wine and light beer. The new Janey is classy, prefers cocktails, and even drinks alone. — J.C. Patrick

Smile while you still have teeth. — Carol Wyer

God doesn't send atheists to Hell
there's no room with all the Christians down there. — Quentin R. Bufogle

If you want to convince a criminal to see things your way, start by seeing things theirs. — Aubrea Summer

Men did stupid things when they got romantic ideas in their heads. — Ronie Kendig

Only few moments of love has greater value than entire life — Nitin Yaduvanshi

If I were to be honest, I'm probably fifty percent bagel. Okay, fine, sixty percent. — Christy Hall

Why do I write? Because I like telling stories and I don't like repeating myself (insert chuckle here). — Najeev Raj Nadarajah

Assisted him? Dylan made the repairs. I only fell and hit my head, from what I can recall. Yes, I make excellent deadweight. — Scott Westerfeld

Society teaches us that everyone is entitled to their own opinion. The bill of rights informs us that we have the right to keep it to ourselves. — Brian Randleas

Let blockheads read what blockheads wrote. — Philip Dormer Stanhope

If you give a writer a line, they'll take a paragraph ... — Suzanne McKenna Link

No one ever thinks about the guy who was raised by the guy who was raised by wolves. — Demetri Martin

He has me pinned on my back in record time, his mouth crashing against mine as we frantically devour one another. "Awesome speech," he murmurs, pushing my sweater up and planting his hot mouth against my equally hot skin. "Very motivational. — Siobhan Davis

If you absolutely had to have sex with one of the Three Stooges, who would it be? — Douglas Carter Beane

I have no flaws, I'm perfect at being imperfect. — Krystyna Faroe

I love Naples, Florida! Although, I'm so far behind everyone else there. After all, I'm still wearing my first face! — Angelina Assanti

I can't seem to recall if I've ever had amnesia before. — Stewart Lee Beck

Today I feel like I did tomorrow. — Carroll Bryant

One of my students once asked me:
-' Teacher, do you like kids?'-
I said:
-' Yes, especially baked.'- — Me

The local natives were particularly curious to know why the English required such huge quantities of pepper and there was much scratching of heads until it was finally agreed that English houses were so cold that the walls were plastered with crushed pepper in order to produce heat. — Giles Milton

Who do I think would appreciate my book?
I'm surprised anybody does. Oops, did I say that out loud? — Dan Alatorre

Ha!: He laughed. "Almost all of them as a kid, but most recently it was my nose...for the seventh time. And I've had two concussions, three broken fingers, and a partridge in a pear tree. — A.E. Neal

Whenever I'm running an hour late for for work, it always makes me feel better when I can leave an hour early at the end of the day to make up for it. — Mark W. Boyer

He was my age and in my imagination he was a fireman, not the kind that actually fights fires but the kind who travels the country shirtless posing for calendars. — Marika Christian

The closest I ever came to a near death experience was living in LA. — Deirdra Baldwin

While I still did not know what self- actualization that sat on the top level of the pyramid meant, I could believe
that if I knew I would be able to say something positive about it as well in
my life. — Vann Chow

In my experience, the romance novels written about BDSM have about as much in common with actual BDSM relationships as a child playing with a jump rope. — Nenia Campbell

Tell Jack that after he finishs saving the universe again, he has to take out the trash in the kitchen."
-Rosalind Kirby, one day in 1971 — Mark Evanier

If you two yentas are finished discussing Claire's rabid who-ha, me and the boys would like to eat sometime this century."
"You and 'the boys?' You just met them today. Does the Ya Ya Brotherhood already have a secret handshake and a password?" Liz joked. — Tara Sivec

But Vivien wasn't being given the chance to sow her wild oats. Speaking from a point of authority, it's best to get that shit out of the way when you are young. — Lisa Lutz

You just wanted to walk in front of me so I'd have to stare at your butt — Laurell K. Hamilton

I've been waiting for this a long time."-Martin "Let me guess that you're wishing for your IQ to break double figures?"- Alex V. — Benedict Jacka

Politicians and children have two speeds: running and asleep. — Ariel Lawhon

Instead of hopping around like a wild in'jun on fire, try counting from 10 backwards while hopping on one foot. — R. Alan Woods

A "good friend" was well ... . Like your teeth.
You had a limited number of them to last you an entire lifetime.
You could survive without them, but having them made life much more enjoyable.
If you didn't take good care of them, you could lose them forever. — Rob Wood

When you fall asleep after a big lunch you're really just saving up energy to work off all the calories later on. — Elizabeth Jane Howard

By the time that adorable steak and I had become one flesh I could have taken on the whole Valmy clan singlehanded. — Mary Stewart

Time may be defined as " dimension governed by activity." Dimension diminishes with inactivity so does the value of time. — Moutasem Algharati

The most overpowering will is the will to not work. — Saleem Sharma

If someone lied to you, and you positively know this is true, you may find delight in telling them they are the most honest person you know; continue flattering them, giving them the most wonderful compliments, including how you're so thankful to have such an honest person in such a deceptive world. But, then again, this may very well make you a liar too. — K.R. Royal

Sometimes i wish that I was a man so I could tell haters to 'blow me. — Marla Buchanan

Holy paranormal activity, Nightingale - to the Jag mobile. — Ben Aaronovitch

A balanced dieT to make you die with a tea, consists of holding two bags of cookies on each hand and a voracious hunger to consume. — Ana Claudia Antunes

Writers don't get mad they get even in their novels. — Candace C. Bowen

Lena was going down the list of John's attributes in her mind, a list I was hoping wasn't too long. "He could see and hear and smell things I couldn't."
Link inhaled deeply, then coughed. "Dude, you really need a shower. — Kami Garcia

I've found that all it usually takes to draw out an engineer is to ask a couple of technical questions and then remain calm while listening to the answers. Most people tend to take on a blank, frightened look as soon as they realize that a technical explanation is under way; if you can resist giving this reaction and simply listen, your engineer will open up and tell you everything you ever wanted to know. — Margaret Lazarus Dean

Let me see," Opal said.
She quickly slurped up the rest of her lunch and then
took the collar. She examined it very closely. Sure enough,
she could see bits of evergreen fur pinched along the buckle strap. As she looked closer, she noticed something else. Several pieces of black onyx were sewn into the back of the collar, and they started glowing.
"Well look at that," Jack said. "Somebody's put a spider in this biscuit. — Mark Caldwell Jones

Fainting is for preteen girls and those really weird goats. I do not faint! — Melissa F. Olson

Thus, hanging around in our towels (and those weird disposable underpants) was no big deal. — Ann Benjamin

Better days are coming! They're called Saturday and Sunday. — Karen Salmansohn

I'm torn between none of your business and kiss my ass. — Elle Todd

The thought of my mother talking to me about sex makes me want to stab my eyes out with a fork, gouge even deeper and scramble my brains to prevent the conversation from ever happening. — Addison Moore

In all of the possible scenarios Kian had envisioned, encountering a lunatic had not been one of them. It just showed him that he could never be completely prepared. — D.A. Rhine

As the nicknames get shorter, people come closer. — Mita Jain

Discipline allows magic. To be a writer is to be the very best of assassins. You do not sit down and write every day to force the Muse to show up. You get into the habit of writing every day so that when she shows up, you have the maximum chance of catching her, bashing her on the head, and squeezing every last drop out of that bitch. — Lili St. Crow

Big people never scare me. I am a little man. I can easily hide. — Ljupka Cvetanova

I mean, I can understand not being as pricey as Percy or Jason, maybe ... but am I worth, like, two Franks, or three Franks? — Rick Riordan

-Cheap? I could have bought a whole pig
with that coin jester.
-Exactly my Lord. And while some may eat a mule, no one can ride a pig. — Angelo Tsanatelis

This book is visceral like how your small intestine is visceral — J.E. Duah

When I am alone, I drink my tea with pinkie raised, like a kid playing "tea party." At times, a fancy British accent is involved. Dahling! — Christy Hall

Do you recall telling Dr. Phillips during your appointment on February second of last year that you needed to be tested for sexually transmitted diseases because - let me make sure I get this correct here . . ."
Taylor read out loud from her file,

"Because, quote, 'your weasel-dick husband slept with a skanky whore stripper and the cheating bastard didn't use a rubber'?"

Ms. Campbell shot up in her chair. "She actually wrote that down?"

The jury tittered with amused laughter and sat up interestedly. Finally - things were starting to look a little more like Law & Order around here.

"I take it that's a yes?" Taylor asked. — Julie James

Simon stepped forward and clapped him on the shoulder. "Nothing better than making a maid happy, is there?"
"Aye, there most assuredly is."
Simon cocked a puzzled brow.
"Skewering my meddlesome brother would definitely be better."
Simon laughed. "Then I'd best go pack so that I won't be directly in your sight for the next few minutes."
"You do that, Simon, and while you're at it, make sure to find your common sense and bring it along as well. — Kinley MacGregor