Humorous Quote Quotes & Sayings

Men weigh love with hands. — Ljupka Cvetanova

My favorite quote in the world is this one. — Richelle E. Goodrich

Monthly, out of common courtesy, he went to inquire after the invalid Charles, who refused either to die or get better. — Winston Graham

What goes up must come down. Which is why we invented Viagra, to make it stay up a little longer. — Carroll Bryant

Suddenly, the double doors of the parlor whooshed open. A large fleshy woman stood before me in full regalia. Her eyes were all made up, earrings and bracelets jangling. The sign in the window said Miss Sadie was a medium. From the look of her, I'd say that was a bit wishful. — Clare Vanderpool

He is not an ideal husband. I am his wife. — Ljupka Cvetanova

Oh crap! Someone is asking me to quote myself. Why don't they just ask me to drink acid and run naked into a snowdrift? — Elizabeth Anglin

Now, Jasper, as a great man once said, 'A brave and steadfast heart can overcome any fear.' So don't worry. I'll be back with Benelaius shortly. In the meantime, look about for clues, only don't disturb anything.
[ ... ]
I knew only too well who that great man was whom he spoke of. Camber Fosrick. I had committed the quote to memory as well. So Lindavar, one of the War Wizards of Cormyr, was addicted to trashy literature too. I would have chuckled had I not been so scared. — Chet Williamson

I like to go to Starbucks and watch the intellectuals. I observe them and their intellectualness. They in turn observe me drinking coffee and being a creeper. — Ryan Lilly

Life is a circle. It spins you around. — Ljupka Cvetanova

The grandfather clock struck the half hour. She must be away. Glancing from Mama to Mrs. Smith to Mrs. Astor, she did the only polite thing she could do.

She rolled her eyes back in her head, exhaled a loud gasp and swooned out of her chair. — Rachel Hauck

I've learned my lesson. I know nothing. — Ljupka Cvetanova

...linen is a fabric that wrinkles like Jack Nicholson's balls without Botox. — Anna Kendrick

In my day, we got suspicious if 125k people followed us. — Eric Christopher Jackson

I have a headache. If only I had a crown to put on! — Ljupka Cvetanova

Quote from In Love of Honey, Money....and My Virgin Passport

If you think you've the most wicked sense of humour, try life! — Mita Jain

I will take all my rights! Can you deliver them to my house? — Ljupka Cvetanova

Opposities are married. — Ljupka Cvetanova

Spooning leads to forking. — Rachel Spangler

If Socrates was alive today he would say : I know that I know everything. That's what contemporary philosophers do. — Ljupka Cvetanova

Women are heavyweight boxers; only, they punch with words, not fists. — Matshona Dhliwayo

Men never forget true love. They always remember all the women they couldn't have. — Ljupka Cvetanova

Special Super Bowl Wisdom of the Ages: "Marshawn Lynch" Not really shy. Still extremely embarrassed he believed you can't be charged for beating up on large groups of people-as long as you are carrying a football. — Matthew D. Heines

There is a perfect marriage. Any marriage counselor can tell you that. — Ljupka Cvetanova

Had a cold hummus with pita bread,
Under a delicious food, yellow or red.
Might just have the appetite to cook
Urgent dinner by hook or crook.
So that's just a humus humor spread. — Ana Claudia Antunes

Write. Write write write write WRITE. Write. Now.

(This is an inspirational writing quote.) — Jen Lynn Anderson

I didn't do anything wrong. I swear.'
He grunted. 'Like I've never heard that before. Funny, but I expected a little more originality from Moira's daughter.'
'Yeah, well, the dog ate my notebook with all my good excuses. — Mindee Arnett

After giving it some thought, I've decided to name my monkey mind Ricky Bobby. I was thinking about Latin names like Javier, but I don't want to make my jumping, distractable self sound mysterious and sexy. Ricky Bobby makes me laugh. A name like that seems silly, not strong. Just a goofy little thing that doesn't know what to do with its hands, likes to go fast, and loves tiny, infant, baby Jesus. — Anna White

She said yes. If only she didn't talk so much! — Ljupka Cvetanova

I could say how well he dances, but that isn't true, for he dances like that big friendly bear I saw last Christmas. — Winston Graham

Some of us are looking at the stars, but all of us are living in the gutter. — Vann Chow

I'm like a stray cat. If you feed me, I don't leave. — Michelle M. Pillow

I'm friends with a guy who is friends with a former Playboy model. So I guess you could say I'm 1 degree away from 212 degrees. — Ryan Lilly

He has his head in the clouds. He must live in a skyscraper. — Ljupka Cvetanova

Understandably she had a lot of suitors, just like any other girls in China with two arms and legs. — Vann Chow

You cannot just quote from history and above all you cannot take it out of context, in however humorous a fashion . On the contrary history has a natural continuity which must be respected — Gottfried Bohm

Attention everyone,we're having an earthquake drill at 11:02, 11:03, 11:04, 11:05, 11:06, and 11:07. — Jerry Snider

It sounded somewhat doom-laden, so I felt obliged to look it up more thoroughly, in case I should eat some chocolate rather quickly. — Carol Anne Dobson

I've never written a quote I feel would be suitable for my gravestone. Wouldn't it be ironic if it were this one? Oh, and could you pull a few weeds while you're here? — Ryan Lilly

Searching through Monster while on the clock feels like being on Tinder while still married. — Crystal Woods

Y'all ever seen that 'monkeys typing in a room for eternity would eventually create the works of Shakespeare' quote? Well, one time Drew got high and stated, 'Wait, that happened already. We're monkeys, and space is eternity, and we typed, and it happened.' He insisted we put it in the book. — Trae Crowder

What if my boobs decide to grow WHILE I'm at school? — Renata Suerth

I glance at him. He's looking at me, his expression every bit as expectant as I feel. I hate this little game of ours. Maybe because I'm no good at it. He won't tell me more unless I ask. Curiosity is one of my most incurable flaws
and Galen knows it.
Still, I already gave up a perfectly good tantrum for him, so I feel like he owes me. Never mind that he saved my life today. That was so two hours ago. — Anna Banks

The pressures of business relationships: so I tell the guy I usually have my tea time at 10 o'clock every morning. He calls me at noon (very upset) because I didn't meet him on the golf course. — Eric Christopher Jackson

Do you recall telling Dr. Phillips during your appointment on February second of last year that you needed to be tested for sexually transmitted diseases because - let me make sure I get this correct here . . ."
Taylor read out loud from her file,

"Because, quote, 'your weasel-dick husband slept with a skanky whore stripper and the cheating bastard didn't use a rubber'?"

Ms. Campbell shot up in her chair. "She actually wrote that down?"

The jury tittered with amused laughter and sat up interestedly. Finally - things were starting to look a little more like Law & Order around here.

"I take it that's a yes?" Taylor asked. — Julie James

I mean, I can understand not being as pricey as Percy or Jason, maybe ... but am I worth, like, two Franks, or three Franks? — Rick Riordan

I can't say for sure if I'm better off, since I have no way of knowing what would have been. I could have traveled to exotic places and kissed exotic men in the moonlight. Or I could have ended living alone in a dumpy apartment with the flesh eating virus I contracted from a public toilet. Could haves are always a great unknown. — Anna White

Big people never scare me. I am a little man. I can easily hide. — Ljupka Cvetanova

I'm not afraid of you!' The wombat yelled. 'I saw you get stuck in the washing machine once. Round and round you went! Who's afraid of something that can't defeat a rinse cycle? — Catherynne M Valente

Don't stop writing until someone pries the pen from your cold, dead hands. — James John Tritten

Sam's phone buzzed. She fished it out of her pocket, checked the screen, and cursed. "I have to go."

"You just got here."

"Valkyrie business. Possible code three-eight-one: heroic death in progress."

"You're making that up."

"I'm not."

"So...what, somebody thinks they're about to die and they text you 'Going down! Need Valkyrie ASAP!' followed by a bunch of sad-face emojis? — Rick Riordan

The only good thing about being really really old is ..
it doesn't last long. — Lou Silluzio

Strictly speaking,' said the King of Fairies between mouthfuls, 'I'm leasing you this food on a limited, bite-by-bite basis and a generous payment-deferral plan. I'd have thought someone would have told you about Fairy food. You always pay, lad. I'm not running a charity delicatessen. — Catherynne M Valente

His boat sank. They were all on his side. — Ljupka Cvetanova

In his life there was only one woman. The other one. — Ljupka Cvetanova

Ladies glisten, men perspire, horses sweat.

-Early Nun Quote, The Old Ursuline Convent (1727)
New Orleans, LA — Diana Hollingsworth Gessler

A painting is worth a thousand confused art-gallery visitors. — Ljupka Cvetanova

Invoking the name of Al Gaddafi cured my blue screen of death — Matt Ruff

They were all on his side. Hi boat sank. — Ljupka Cvetanova

What I learn today I shall know forever. Whether or not I remember that I know it is a different story. — Richelle E. Goodrich

Play and be happy. — Lailah Gifty Akita

I watched you undress. Shame on you! — Ljupka Cvetanova

Part of my soul goes into each quote I write. A book of my quotes can be yours for just $19.99. — Ryan Lilly

There were pecans, there were cashews and then there was just plain nuts. — Mary Hughes

Q: When did you realize you wanted to be a writer?
A: I hate this question, because the answer makes me look like a jerk. The answer exposes me as a jerk. But here it is: the first time I read Twilight, I thought to myself, "If this chick can write a book, then you can!"
One day, Stephanie Meyer is going to give me a bloody nose. I accept that like I accept that I will one day get wrinkles.
To Stephanie Meyer: Could you come at me from the right side?
That side of my face could use adjusting ... — Anna Banks

While the man is putting on it's shoes, the woman can buy dozens of high heels. — Ljupka Cvetanova

Money", he muttered, "opens all doors. — Andrzej Sapkowski

he stopped and eyed Bill Corso
if you choose to just sit here like a bored jungle gorilla, you will have to write out this quote as many times as you can during the next hour. — A.S. King