Humorous Quotations Quotes & Sayings

Tell them I have the headache
no, the plague! I need something nice and contagious. — Lauren Willig

Only the great warriors fall down from their horses; one would not fall who rides a donkey cart. — Waheed Ibne Musa

A comedian is better than a politician; at least there is no doubt. — Bangambiki Habyarimana

Suddenly, the double doors of the parlor whooshed open. A large fleshy woman stood before me in full regalia. Her eyes were all made up, earrings and bracelets jangling. The sign in the window said Miss Sadie was a medium. From the look of her, I'd say that was a bit wishful. — Clare Vanderpool

If you have pain in your ass, it doesn't mean you have done something wrong, but it's probably because you're wearing your little brother's underwear. — Waheed Ibne Musa

Some people make things happen. Some people watch things happen. And then there are those who wonder, 'What the hell just happened? — Carroll Bryant

Do you believe your gentle birth will turn a bullet?"
"Why, yes," Rhett said solemnly. "Hell yes! Gentle birth's got to be good for something! — Donald McCaig

My partner and I were going to renew our vowels, but the consonants revolted. — Stewart Lee Beck

Tis well thou art not fish; if thou hadst, thou hadst been poor-John. — William Shakespeare

Reality came knocking but the door was barred — Sydney Mugerwa

We are not in a foul humor, Belkin. We are in a corrupt-tempered moon. There is a difference, you know. — Rachel Heffington

How'd you like to sleep between dragons? — L.R.W. Lee

Drink to me! I just realized that I've slept with everyone at this table! ~Nell — Jennifer Crusie

So that's the telephone? They ring, and you run. — Edgar Degas

I'm half good and I'm half bad. My mama is a very good girl and my daddy is a very bad boy. And I guess that leaves me somewhere sort of ... here. — C. JoyBell C.

You do know that I don't have plans to separate you from your socks as you sleep? — Rose Gordon

I believe in love. Unfortunately, it doesn't believe me. Lust, on the other hand, is a nagging wife poking constantly at my DNA. — Carroll Bryant

During the settling of the American colonies, it was said that the Spaniards would first build a church, the Dutch would first build a fort and the English a tavern. Welcome to Charleston, an English colony founded in 1670. — Mark R. Jones

Sweetie, you don't need to drive me to the brink of insanity ... I'm close enough to walk! — Tanya Masse

Quote from In Love of Honey, Money....and My Virgin Passport

If you think you've the most wicked sense of humour, try life! — Mita Jain

Carrot started to clap.
It wasn't the clap used by middlings to encourage underlings to applaud overlings. It had genuine enthusiasm behind it which was, somehow, worse. — Terry Pratchett

Women are heavyweight boxers; only, they punch with words, not fists. — Matshona Dhliwayo

Ask me about my complete lack of interest. (T-shirt) — Darynda Jones

If the pen is mightier than the sword, then what is the laptop? A light saber or a life saver? — K.S. Collier

Lead me not into temptation. I can find it myself. (T-Shirt) — Darynda Jones

Carrie Fay always says that nothing is really horrible unless it eats away your face. — Katie MacAlister

For a man to get married and stay married, he must detach from and disavow the three things that bind him to reality: sex, travel, and near-death experiences. — Brian D'Ambrosio

This dudes nuttier than squirrel shit.
-Ty Henderson — Madeleine Urban

Lady Margaret believed in the three D's: Discipline, Desire, and Determination. But as she listened dutifully to her new employer, hiding her yawns and trying to sit up extra straight in her chair, Charity Hill began thinking of all the lovely things that began with S, such as Sleeping Late, Sex, and Shopping. — Elizabeth Jane Howard

Oh, drat the men! No matter what they do, it's the wrong thing. And no matter who they are, it's somebody they shouldn't be. They do exasperate me.
Anne's House of Dreams — L.M. Montgomery

We lost Klimmt, Schiele and Moll — George Pratt

In my book an erection constitutes personal growth. — Amunhotep El Bey

Knock-knock, motherfucker. — Jenny Lawson

His Grace called Virginius in and said: "Do you think a priest of the Anglican Communion should be a divorced man with two wives living?" That's the way he talks. And do you know what Virginius said? He said: "Your Grace, if it weren't for divorce, there wouldn't be an Anglican Communion. — Florence King

If Jeb Bush gets elected, I'll know that on my way back from overseas, I entered Biff Tannen's parallel universe. — Matthew D. Heines

A fool will study for twenty or thirty years and learn how to do something, but a wise man will study for twenty or thirty minutes and become an expert. In this world, it isn't ability that counts, but authority. — Barry Hughart

Every year for decades there had been great excitement over the Largest Vegetable competition ("That would be my husband", was the standard comment). — G.M. Malliet

Actually, watching television and surfing the Internet are really excellent practice for being dead. — Chuck Palahniuk

Mr. and Mrs. Lowell are not receiving."
What the hell did that mean? "I'm not throwing a forty-yard pass. I just have a few questions. I think their daughter is in danger. — Darynda Jones

Isis what did you mean when you said to Lilith that Ian thought Gaia was a MILF? — Shadowstorm Norwicca

If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is NOT for you. (BUMPER STICKER) — Darynda Jones

My instructor was a skinny guy in his midtwenties who had a shaved head that was always peeling from sunburns and who could only have smelled more like marijuana if he'd been made of it. The training vehicle was a mid- '80s tan Nissan that had working breaks on the passenger side; He often got his jollies slamming them on for no reason and then between wheezing laughs saying 'You were all like 'I'm in control of the car' and then I hit the brakes and shit and you were all like 'whaaaat? — Justin Halpern

The Butcher of Babylon featured in over 500 porn films between 1974 and 1982, and was best known for his motto: Come for the butcher, stay for the meat. — Mark Jackman

When we removed your son, we replaced him with nothing! — Julius Malema

The correspondent wondered ingenuously how in the name of all that was sane could there be people who thought it amusing to row a boat. It was not an amusement; it was a diabolical punishment, and even a genius of mental aberrations could never conclude that it was anything but a horror to the muscles and a crime against the back. — Stephen Crane

First month honey ... Next month pie ... Third month ... Get out here and work, you damn bitch, same as I. — Karen Cecil Smith

Give a man a beer, the remote and a La-Z-Boy and he's a happy camper! All Things Caveman humor cartoon book will help you understand that hairy guy beside you. — Laurie Foxx

I've never been a big fan of exercise. I just can't think of any other way to feel good. Kinsey Milhone — Sue Grafton

In my family nudity just doesn't exist; I'm pretty sure my parents were both born fully clothed and still shower that way. — Huston Piner

If you fall in love with a character, then you are actually falling in love with the author that wrote the character. Therefore, you could conclude that if you are said author, you are in love with yourself. — Heather Dowell

... but some say that reality is what happens inside a writer's head, and it is fiction which takes place outside it. — Barry A. Whittingham

Much of writing might be described as mental pregnancy with successive difficult deliveries. J.B. PRIESTLEY — Janice Lane Palko

My dad was a fairy," said Zach. "And by that I don't mean he dressed well and enjoyed musical theatre. — Ben Aaronovitch

Not everyone has to like you. Not everyone has taste. — Karen Salmansohn

MTV used to be about music, chickpea," he'd say. "Music. Now it's about morons doing moronic things. Video didn't just kill the radio star, it damn near killed talent. You better run? You better cry, more like it. — Lexxie Couper

Pop music is like an auditory cup of coffee. It has no nutritional value but it gets you going. — Jim Moorman

Old as carbon," Nix agreed. "And so powerful I'm working on my demigoddess badges. — Kresley Cole

Pardon me Mam,I'm new in town, could you please show me the way to your house? — Frank Calvin Mann

When I am alone, I drink my tea with pinkie raised, like a kid playing "tea party." At times, a fancy British accent is involved. Dahling! — Christy Hall

His question is pretty dangerous for me to try to answer, so I don't - it continues to hang out there like the stained underwear at a slumber party that goes unclaimed. — Jen Naumann

This guy had more lines than loose-leaf. — Cara Lynn Shultz

Oh God, my stomach must have won a medal- it's doing a lap of honour now. — Ali McNamara

When you're part of an illegal government conspiracy, your actual job description gets hazy. [...] If you're working off the books, but the books don't officially exist in the first place, have you really gone rogue, or are you just putting in unpaid overtime? — Craig Schaefer

For the love of mercy, I cannot walk into mediation with a swollen vagina, Cash. Please."
I smile against her thigh, rubbing my scratchy face against the softness of her skin.
"Is that what I'm doing?" Innocence - fuck no. I can't even fake that shit. — Pella Grace

As the nicknames get shorter, people come closer. — Mita Jain

He went into the Gray Joy, drank a glass of Arkanarian brew, patted the hostess's cheek, and deftly used one of his swords to flip the table of the usual informer, who was gawking at him with empty eyes. Then he walked over to a far corner and tracked down a shabby bearded man with an inkwell around his neck. "Hello, Brother Nanin," he said. "How many petitions have you written today?"
Brother Nanin smiled shyly, showing small, decayed teeth. "There aren't many petitions written nowadays, noble don," he said. "Some people think that asking is pointless, while others expect that in the near future they'll be able to take without asking. — Arkady Strugatsky

I met Rob in Austin, Texas. He was hitchhiking to California and I was driving to California, so it seemed like a perfect match. He had long blond hair and blue eyes and golden skin and so did I. It was like falling in love with myself. — Lorena Cassady

Is it necessary, do you think,' he began, leaning in so close behind me that I could smell his breath, 'for the purpose of visiting your grandmother's childhood home, to dress like a kindergarten whore? — Danielle Wood

Blast ignorant people with high-powered streams of information and wisdom, but only when fire hoses are not readily available. — Cassandra Duffy

There occurred to me the simple epitaph which, when I am no more, I intend to have inscribed on my tombstone. It was this:
He was a man who acted from the best motives. There is one born every minute. — P.G. Wodehouse

A Prince asked the dying spanish statesman, "Does your Excellency forgive all your enemies?" "I do not have to forgive all my enemies," answered the stateman, "I have had them all shot. — Robert Greene

If everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane(T-Shirt) — Darynda Jones

You just wanted to walk in front of me so I'd have to stare at your butt — Laurell K. Hamilton

Eventually my dad got home from work and set his briefcase down.
'So. How was practice?' he asked
'It was good. Why? Did you hear it wasn't?' I said, trying to keep my cool.
'Son, no offense, but you play Little League. It's not the Yankees. I don't get daily reports about who's hitting the shit out of the ball — Justin Halpern

I'm writing a new book called 'Ventroliquism for Dummies'. — Ron Moore

Leo could run pretty fast when someone was trying to kill him. Sadly, he'd had a lot of practice. — Rick Riordan

Don't eat earwax avoid roasted cabbage and look on the bright side of life -Angela — Christopher Paolini

Is he your only child? I asked, "my only son" padma said. "My condolences" I said ... Anita Blake — Laurell K. Hamilton

What do you want?"
"Spain"
"Fuck! — Christopher Moore

The first thing that struck you about Claire's plate was its vast emptiness. Of course I'm well aware that, in the better restaurants, quality takes precedence over quantity, but there are voids and then there are voids. The void here, that part of the plate on which no food at all was present, had clearly been raised to a matter of principle.
It was as though the empty plate was challenging you to say something about it, to go to the open kitchen and demand an explanation. 'You wouldn't even dare!' the plate said, and laughed in your face. — Herman Koch

Deep down, he's shallow. — Peter De Vries

Generally speaking, I try not to generalize. — Addison C. Arthur

Coraline's father stopped working and made them all dinner.
Coraline was disgusted. "Daddy," she said, "you've made a recipe again."
"It's leek and potato stew with a tarragon garnish and melted Gruyere cheese," he admitted.
Coraline sighed. Then she went to the freezer and got out some microwave chips and a microwave minipizza.
"You know I don't like recipes," she told her father, while her dinner went around and around and the little red numbers on the microwave oven counted down to zero. — Neil Gaiman

It's better to oversleep and miss the boat than get up early and sink. — Elizabeth Jane Howard

Just to keep the bad dreams at bay, she took a swig out of a bottle that smelled of apples and happy brain-death. — Terry Pratchett

I've always worried a lot. And frankly I'm good at it." The late Erma Bombeck, one of the funniest women ever. — Catherine Robertson

A bug lies in quiet repose;
when he passed no one knows.
Did he suffer, was he pained?
Before he died, was knowledge gained?
Were all life's pressures much too great.To put upon so small a weight?
Although not one for pessimism,
I think he died of journalism! — Nikhil Sharda

Wow," says Peter, "when your guidance counselor tells you to die, you really have problems. — Adam Selzer

Oh my God! You little slut! You want to have a good date with him and want to have ten thousand of his little baseball babies! Cassie!!! — J. Sterling

Is it a lucky break if you get run over by an ambulance? — Stewart Lee Beck

Leaning forward in the chair, Harley squeezed out a controlled fart, so no one could hear it. This damn reception area was like a echo chamber. If he weren't careful, it could reverberate around the hall like a shotgun blast. — Alan Kinross

As for me, except for an occasional heart attack, I feel as young as I ever did. — Robert Benchley

I'm writing a book on Procrastination. I hope to start it tomorrow. I've been thinking about it for almost six years now. — Ron Moore

Chomsky is a pencil-and-paper theoretician who wouldn't know Jabba the Hutt from the Cookie Monster, — Steven Pinker

Why do these big old country houses always have family portraits in the dining room? Do you really want to eat with someone's gloomy great-grandfather looking down on you? — Elizabeth Jane Howard

I'll be fine. Maybe I should make up a magic milk bath with the Golden Fruit, huh?" I laughed.
Kishan considered and grinned. "A giant bowlful of milk with you in the middle might be a little too much for us cats to resist. — Colleen Houck

God doesn't send atheists to Hell
there's no room with all the Christians down there. — Quentin R. Bufogle

I can't seem to recall if I've ever had amnesia before. — Stewart Lee Beck

Sam's phone buzzed. She fished it out of her pocket, checked the screen, and cursed. "I have to go."

"You just got here."

"Valkyrie business. Possible code three-eight-one: heroic death in progress."

"You're making that up."

"I'm not."

"So...what, somebody thinks they're about to die and they text you 'Going down! Need Valkyrie ASAP!' followed by a bunch of sad-face emojis? — Rick Riordan

Observation:

Thanks to technological advances, avid readers seem to be replacing DTBAD (Dead Tree Book Acquisition Disorder) with an alphabet soup of more more modern-day hoarding behaviors: EBAD (E-Book Acquistion Disorder), EGAD (Electronic Gadget Acquisition Disorder), and ABAD (Audiobook Acquisition Disorder). Of course, there's also MYBAD (Movie and YouTube Acquisition Disorder: the hoarding or obsessive viewing of digital films and videos, some based on books). If any of these syndromes describes you, take heart: there's probably an app for that! - 8/9/2013 — Lisa Tolliver