Humorous Office Quotes & Sayings

Actors in general are pretty good bullshit artists; we're good at just chewing the fat, interacting with people. So we're good ambassadors for movies. — John C. Reilly

Our guy has a property office, John. And I don't mean the Property Office here in One PP. I mean the huge fucking storage facility. A guy in there, with access to thousands of fucking handguns. Even the ones that other people would be keeping an eye on, like Son of Sam's piece, for fuck's sake - a guy in there who'll just boost them and give them to our guy to kill people with. And if the guns are too famous, he'll cut his own slugs out of the bodies and walk away. This guy, our guy, he's actually starting to scare me a bit right now."
"A couple of hundred kills to his name didn't do that?"
"Meh. I dream about killing two hundred people every fucking night."
"You know," said Tallow, "whenever I'm in danger of forgetting you're CSU, you always find a way to remind me. — Warren Ellis

This time, the words weren't a prayer but a declaration. Clarke refused to let Thalia die, and nothing was going to stop her. She wouldn't let her best friend join the chorus of ghosts in her head. — Kass Morgan

Everything wanting to contribute to my ulcer, Get in line and take a number! — James Patterson

Screw the shops; I want a duty-free office. — Rishi Piparaiya

I'm overweight, despise change, and rarely, if ever, initiate anything. Unlike my friends, I've had no drama in my life which might qualify as box office material. If a little more drama came my way, however, I would probably need to purchase some courage in order to withstand it. Oh well, if a bit of change equals a bit of drama, I'm willing to risk it. — J.C. Patrick

In the early stages of writing children's books, an experienced lady editor said that while girls read boys' books, the converse was not true, and I may have been influenced by that. — John Christopher

But...was he flirting?
Hmm.
Not sure what I thought of that. A nice office flirt did make the day go faster, but Adam was my boss, not to mention an annoying one, and I was nothing if not professional.
Snort. Yeah. That made me laugh too. — Camilla Chafer

Christians today like to play it safe. We want to put ourselves in situations where we are safe 'even if there is no God.' But if we truly desire to please God, we cannot live that way. — Francis Chan

Teela turned to Severn. "I'm having trouble remembering why I haven't
strangled her yet."
Severn shrugged. "I have that problem myself some days. At the moment,
though, the only betting pool in the office seems to be on the Sergeant."
"Ha-ha." Kaylin said with a distinct lack of cheer. And then, because she
was a fiefling, "What odds?" He cuffed the top of her head. — Michelle Sagara West

I leave her to chemically combust and find Wren in the student council office, filling out extremely interesting paperwork. He's buried behind piles of the stuff. I can barely see tufts of his blonde hair poking out. I reach into the paperwork pile and shove the two halves aside. Hundreds of them fall off the desk and to the floor. Papers drift through the air like snowflakes. Fat, boring-ass snowflakes. Wren looks up, face slack with shock.
"Whatcha doing?" I ask.
"Dividing up funding for the other clubs," He whispers, clearly distraught. A paper plops onto his head and slides off dejectedly. I'm respectful for three seconds.
"So anyway, I had this nightmare in which Jack was sexy and Kayla died. — Sara Wolf

I don't live in an outlaw world and I don't carry a gun. — Katey Sagal

As we begin to praise ourselves and our world, we begin to blossom in ways that are beautiful to behold. — John Templeton

The evergreen! How beautiful, how welcome, how wonderful the evergreen! When one thinks of it, how astonishing a variety of nature! In some countries we know that the tree that sheds its leaf is the variety, but that does not make it less amazing, that the same soil and the same sun should nurture plants differing in the first rule and law of their existence. — Jane Austen

It is often said that the Japanese are extremely clean at home, or inside any house or office, but dirty and untidy outside. 'Go and look at a railway station,' I was told, 'and you'll be horrified.' I went and was horrified; horrified by the cleanliness of the place. — George Mikes

The lieutenant's fooling around again with the telegraph girl at the station," said the corporal, after he had gone. "He's been running after her for a fortnight and he's always frightfully furious when he comes from the telegraph office and he says about her: "She's a whore. She won't sleep with me! — Jaroslav Hasek

Body Electric ... It is the first song from my new short film called # Tropico that is coming out in the end of the month. — Lana Del Rey

Clarence Hurt was driving, and he got lost. "Does anyone know where the Post Office Building is?" Hurt asked at one point.

"I can tell you," Karpis said.

"How do you know where it is?" asked Clyde Tolson, who sat in the backseat with Hoover.

"We were thinking of robbing it," Karpis said. — Bryan Burrough

That was rude, you *are*! Rabbit knows a thing or two and I myself, don't need a weathervane to tell which way the wind blows. — Cheshire Cat

I spy, with my little eye, something that starts with ... G."
"Sausages. — Adam Rex

More than two decades after the birth of Louise Brown, and all the hysteria that surrounded her 'test tube' conception, we should know that institutions, not technologies, create dystopias. Artificially conceived children are everywhere, beloved by their parents, and they haven't radically altered our world. — Virginia Postrel

Alice had begun with 'Let's pretend we're kings and queens;' and her sister, who liked being exact, had argued that they couldn't, because there were only two of them, and Alice hand been reduced at last to say, 'Well, you can be one of them then, and I'll be the rest. — Lewis Carroll

Excellent. Aristotle will introduce you to the employees at the desk,' Dr. Creamintin beamed.
'What what? I shall do no such thing!" the fluffy little owl argued.
'Cease your complaining Aristotle. Until Dave and Frey return, you haven't any work to do. Now go introduce the poor girl,' Dr. Creamintin ordered.
'Nevah, I say, nevah!' the owl decided, shaking his little butt.
'Too bad, I say, too bad,' Dr. Creamintin mocked before snatching the little bird off his stand on Felisha's desk and throwing him out of the office. — K.M. Shea

I vote Democrat because I love the fact that I can now marry whatever I want. I've decided to marry my German Shepherd. — David Letterman

The juggle of sophistry consists, for the most part, in using a word in one sense in all the premises, and in another sense in the conclusion. — Samuel Taylor Coleridge

Let's not play games, Mr. Cratchett," I replied. "I wanted to let you know that I'll be coming in for an appointment with Mr. Raisin on Tuesday morning at eleven o'clock. I shall need about an hour and would prefer it if we were not disturbed during that time. I hope that he will be free at that hour but just so you both know, if he is not, then I am perfectly willing to sit in your office until he is free. I shall bring a book with me to pass the time. I shall bring two, if need be. I shall bring the complete works of Shakespeare if he insists on keeping me waiting interminably and those plays will get me through the long hours. But I will not leave until I have seen him, are we quite clear on that? Now, I wish you a very pleasant Sunday, Mr. Cratchett. Enjoy your lunch, won't you? Your breath smells of whisky. — John Boyne