Humorous Food Quotes & Sayings

Don't fill your bowl With food from every boiling pot you see. Not every joke is humorous, So don't search for meaning Where there isn't one. — Rumi

The adults said the only good food was the bacon, but the kids knew better. They had never had a more fun breakfast in their lives. Although they had to agree the bacon was very good. Then again, it was bacon. It was always good. — Ella Minster

I do not do free e-books. I occasionally like to eat that thing you people call "food". — Carla H. Krueger

To me, fast food is when a cheetah eats an antelope. — George Carlin

However, on glimpsing in shop window realized outfit insane. Now am on bus, remember also that corset-ike nature of dress is torture when sitting down. One's rolls of fat are squezzed together like dough being kneaded in a food processor. — Helen Fielding

Shergahn and friend lay like poleaxed steers, and the Daranfelian's greasy hair was thick with potatoes, carrots, gravy, and chunks of beef. His companion had less stew in his hair, but an equally large lump was rising fast, and Brandark flipped his improvised club into the air, caught it in proper dipping position, and filled it once more from the pot without even glancing at them. He raised the ladle to his nose, inhaled deeply, and glanced at the cook with an impudent twitch of his ears.
"Smells delicious," he said while the laughter started up all around the fire. "I imagine a bellyful of this should help a hungry man sleep. Why, just look what a single ladle of it did for Shergahn! — David Weber

At this point I came across one of the vending machines that only Japan has. I have to admit that I love the whimsical items sold in such appliances, like all sorts of junk food, beer cans, whisky bottles and even underwear. This particular machine sold both whisky and underwear, which truly is a bizarre combination, or maybe not, considering all the underwear were female panties. It was therefore my theory that older men would come by and buy the whisky, and then when they were drunk and young women passed by, the men would then offer them panties as gifts for sexual favours. Ya, it all made perfect sense to me. — Andrew James Pritchard

If only, I thought, I could talk to Eugene just one more time. This was before I came to understand that you cannot make someone fall in love with you But here's what you can do. By arguing and pleading and screaming and crying and throwing plates and phoning a lot and bringing hot food and sending flowers and buying gifts and doing unsolicited favors and remembering a birthday and being nice and declaring your abiding love and trying hard or sometimes merely by being present, you can make someone who was hitherto lukewarm really detest you. — Patricia Marx

Buy potatoes," he said. "Gotta hop." Then he hung up. Of course. A cloud of fallout would threaten European food and water supplies, including the potato crop, placing a premium on uncontaminated American substitutes. Perhaps a few folks other than potato farmers think of the price of potatoes in America minutes after the explosion of a nuclear reactor in Russian, but I have never met them. — Michael Lewis

Food was at least three million per cent more delicious when you ate it immediately after thinking you were going to die. — Joshua Donellan

People often ask me, "What's the difference between couplehood and babyhood?" In a word? Moisture. Everything in my life is now more moist. Between your spittle, your diapers, your spit-up and drool, you got your baby food, your wipes, your formula, your leaky bottles, sweaty baby backs, and numerous other untraceable sources-all creating an ever-present moistness in my life, which heretofore was mainly dry. — Paul Reiser

Had a cold hummus with pita bread,
Under a delicious food, yellow or red.
Might just have the appetite to cook
Urgent dinner by hook or crook.
So that's just a humus humor spread. — Ana Claudia Antunes

Fact: The plastic knife is perfect for when a person just wants to make some marks on his food and get insanely frustrated at the same time. — Demetri Martin

They have a lot of trouble with pronunciation, because they can't move their jaw muscles, because of malnutrition caused by wisely refusing to eat English food, much of which was designed and manufactured in medieval times during the reign of King Walter the Mildly Disturbed. — Dave Barry

After we bring food home from the grocery store...Dogs must think we are the greatest hunters ever! — Ann Taylor

Locavore?" But before he could answer, I figured it out. "Someone who eats food produced locally? As opposed to locovore, someone who eats crazy people? — Mari Donne

When they figure out how to bottle up orgasms and sell them as a food additive, I'll be first in line. — Nenia Campbell

It wasn't until someone kicked his legs that Nik woke up. Alek, snoring beside him, his head resting on his shoulder. Ban snoring on the other couch, the noise rivaled only by the dog. He looked into the impossibly cranky face of Zach Sheridan. "Y'all get food?"
"We had a full refrigerator before you three got here."
"Where I come from, we don't let the refrigerator get empty."
"Where you come from, you marry your sister. — Shelly Laurenston

A balanced dieT to make you die with a tea, consists of holding two bags of cookies on each hand and a voracious hunger to consume. — Ana Claudia Antunes

I'm like a stray cat. If you feed me, I don't leave. — Michelle M. Pillow

If that's the case, waiter, please bring me another piece of cake," Gramps said as lunch was brought to the table, "I'm all for fighting tyranny and oppression. — E.A. Bucchianeri

In modern America, food is abundant everywhere except aboard commercial airplanes. — Dave Barry

Watch the fucking food! — Jamie Begley

Whether it was the delicious food they filled us with, their humorous antics, or the extreme warmth and acceptance they provided the family, one thing is for sure, nothing could replace the love for and the love felt from Italian grandmothers. — Jacqueline Miconi

In London there was no home cooking worthy of the name. When you were in funds you ate out. But only the people whose faces appeared in such publications as Town and Queen could afford to eat in restaurants serving food which would leave them looking and feeling better instead of worse. — Clive James

Strictly speaking,' said the King of Fairies between mouthfuls, 'I'm leasing you this food on a limited, bite-by-bite basis and a generous payment-deferral plan. I'd have thought someone would have told you about Fairy food. You always pay, lad. I'm not running a charity delicatessen. — Catherynne M Valente

Some people say he engineered his own arrest to gain an insight into modern methods of policing for a thriller he had planned. But you know what happens to artistic rats in prison: they have their rectums stretched, and not by overindulgence in Michelin-star food; they have their columns examined, and not by internet humorists or a qualified medical practitioner. I'm sure Rat knew this, too. Although he likes to accumulate a wide general knowledge, he would rather have a narrow rectum. A colon comes in handy here, before examples: two dots on top of one other, like the cowboys who copulate on Brokeback Mountain, on a slope so far away you need binoculars to see them properly. In prison there are too many insights and examples. Rat would never risk it. — Graham Spaid

I think there are two prevailing views of the suburbs in the States: either they're this sort of tedious place, where everyone is the same, buys the same food and drives around in their little minivans, or the view is that the suburbs are extremely perverse in a humorous way. — Megan Abbott

Life is like a fondue: the best fruit ain't the best till it's been through some goo. — Jack Bunbury

If you want to keep people happy, just keep the food and entertainment rolling. — E.A. Bucchianeri

If God is everywhere, I had concluded, then He is in food. Therefore, the more I ate the godlier I would become. Impelled by this new religious fervor, I glutted myself like a fanatic. — Woody Allen

The metallic silver coating found on fast-food game cards. — Rich Hall

Vegtables, what food eats before it becomes food. — David Weber

Airline food is not intended for human consumption. It's intended as a form of in-flight entertainment, wherein the object is to guess what it is, starting with broad categories such as "mineral" and "linoleum." — Dave Barry

I've had a lot of food but if you don't jiggle me too much you can have your wicked way with me. — Samantha Young

6 Reasons Why You Should Be A Cat: 1) Free Food. 2) Free Rent. 3) Sleep As Long As You Want. 4) Look Great With No Effort. 5) Toes Look Like Beans. 6) License to Kill! — Pusheen The Cat

In truth, he had always considered the sight of men eating croissants slightly ridiculous, especially at the beginning, when for the first bite they had to maneuver the point of the crescent into their mouths. No matter what a person did, he ended up with an asymmetrical mouthful of pastry, which he then had to relocate with his tongue to a more central location. This made him look less purposive than he might. Also, croissants were more apt than other breakfast foods to spray little flakes all over one's clean dark suit. Art himself had accordingly never ordered a croissant in any working situation, and he believed that attention to this sort of detail was how it was that he had not lost his job like so many of his colleagues. — Gish Jen

When the watermelons were as large as a child's head, the women boiled them, but they collapsed into a tasteless green mush that no one could eat, not the children, not the cow. — Annie Proulx

If sex were food, Rhage would haven been morbidly obese. — J.R. Ward

The first thing that struck you about Claire's plate was its vast emptiness. Of course I'm well aware that, in the better restaurants, quality takes precedence over quantity, but there are voids and then there are voids. The void here, that part of the plate on which no food at all was present, had clearly been raised to a matter of principle.
It was as though the empty plate was challenging you to say something about it, to go to the open kitchen and demand an explanation. 'You wouldn't even dare!' the plate said, and laughed in your face. — Herman Koch

A Man can Live two Weeks without Food,
go two days without Water,
and two minutes without Air,
and apparently,
an entire lifetime without a BRAIN. — Walter Thomas Jr