Humorous Fiction Quotes & Sayings

The world is indeed a cold, hard stone. — Graham Spaid

What do writers look like? — Graham Spaid

Then perhaps you don't need it. I think the scar gives you character, even if it does mar those pretty tattoos. Would make for great tavern stories if you didn't cover it."
Neferre laughed flatly and stuck her hands in her pockets. "There's nothing great about getting mugged, Ziro."
Ziro laughed, her deep voice jiggling her second chin. "Oh, aye. But no one said you had to tell the truth now, did they? — Ash Gray

Machines can't lie," I said, lying through my circuits. — Adam Christopher

I'm tired of hearing about innocent victims. It's fiction, If you live on this planet you're guilty, period, f*** you, next case, end of report. Your birth certificate is proof of guilt. — George Carlin

... he'd assumed their relationship would go on forever. It was going on now, but in another way, like the rearrangement of the stars, which were all still in the sky, just burning in unexpected places. — Graham Spaid

Closed head trauma is about as much fun as nude paintballing. — D.C. Farmer

Life is way too short, so try to enjoy every minute of it with a sense of humor! — Christina Scalise

Trust me, I write fiction. — Rob Mahan

By the standards of a tourist strolling past looking for a quick lunch, the place was a dive. The sign on the window was small and easy to miss, and the antique feel of the place wasn't the prepackaged, old-shit-on-the-wall nostalgia that came with so many chain restaurants. The cafe was just old, and everything about it said old. But Jon liked it that way, if only because it kept the tourists away and spared him from hearing imported ignorance when there was plenty of local ignorance to go around. — Scott B. Pruden

Some of the best fiction writers got their start writing airline menus. — Erma Bombeck

Veil wouldn't make his military invincible, but it would render every other military indefensible. Veil was it. Game over, fuckholes. — Aaron Overfield

He is the biggest asshole on the planet," Jarod says. "And in a planet that's currently drowning in assholes, that's saying a lot. — Siobhan Davis

The last time anybody made a list of the top hundred character attributes of New Yorkers, common sense snuck in at number 79. — Douglas Adams

Are you aware that Jesus Christ can spell? I get so tired of you spelling every slang and cuss word that crosses your mind, as though you are pulling one over on the Lord. — Brenda Sutton Rose

But what do you care about Qorlec?" went on Dr. Zorgone. "I heard you escaped Alsa Sif V, and immediately upon your departure," he frowned, "you set coordinates for Earth?" He laughed softly, nastily, and Quinn felt anger shiver through her to see the twinkling mockery in his eyes.

"What would your people think to know that, I wonder?" continued Dr. Zorgone, tilting his head. "The first place you ran to wasn't Qorlec, wasn't the ancient home of your 'mighty' ancestors, but the polluted shit-ball of ape people? The true home of the true empress is Earth." His eyes danced over her, searching, hungry. "You speak Roknal and English fluently, but I bet you don't know a damn lick of Aviye. The entirian princess isn't even entirian --"

"What do you want?" Quinn said abruptly.

"What do I want?" repeated Dr. Zorgone, rolling his eyes to the starry sky. "Let's see . . . What do I want? I always wanted an indoor pool."

Quinn's lips tightened. — Ash Gray

It is humiliating to have to confess that this conceit of Peter was one of his most fascinating qualities. To put it with brutal frankness, there never was a cockier boy. — J.M. Barrie

You know what people are doing on the other side of the world, what's happening on another planet, but not what's going on inside the person next to you. — Graham Spaid

Rooms, corridors, bookcases, shelves, filing cards, and computerized catalogues assume that the subjects on which our thoughts dwell are actual entities, and through this assumption a certain book may be lent a particular tone and value. Filed under Fiction, Jonathon Swift's Gulliver's Travels is a humorous novel of adventure; under Sociology, a satirical study of England in the eighteenth century; under Children's Literature, an entertaining fable about dwarfs and giants and talking horses; under Fantasy, a precursor of science fiction; under Travel, an imaginary voyage; under Classics, a part of the Western literary canon. Categories are exclusive; reading is not--or should not be. Whatever classifications have been chosen, every library tyrannizes the act of reading, and forces the reader--the curious reader, the alert reader--to rescue the book from the category to which it has been condemned. — Alberto Manguel

You are a curse in my life! — Charles Perrault

The expected battle hadn't taken place, yet something else had. Images of the entertainment which had just gone down were already coming back into Rat's head. It had been wonderful to watch, unbelievably wonderful, the enactment of several plays at once on a single stage, and Rat was sorry it was over, but in a way it was even better to relive it now in the privacy of his mind. He hadn't believed the boy-doctor and that stuff about the condom being used or warm, but he had gone along with it and the emotion which it powered. Everybody had. The emotion was the most important thing. He wondered how he could ever put such a chaotic, hilarious, sad thing down on paper, organise it into scenes or verses and fix his own pewiod at the end. He could never do it justice. He would never get that emotion back. — Graham Spaid

I've become remarkably good at blocking impossibly bizarre happenings from my consciousness. Denial can be a beautiful thing. — M.A. George

Return me safely to my home," the princess said, "and I shall reward you with your weight in eggs."
Olorun snorted derisively. "You're joking, right?"
The woman's eyes flitted in embarrassment.
"Now wait a minute," said Helianthus. "We're talkin' eggs here. What sort of eggs? Ostrich eggs?"
Neferre made an impatient noise. "Hel! She doesn't have any eggs! Unless they're hidden in a very . . . delicate place." Neferre grinned at the princess. "Tell me your eggs are hidden where I think they're hidden. — Ash Gray

The ultimate downfall of the computerized holographic receptionist was that there was no amount of flattery, flirtation or chocolate that could convince one to lie for you. — Scott B. Pruden

Halt! We are attempting an arrest!"

"Yeah, we're aware," Quinn muttered under her breath. — Ash Gray

Probably your biggest mistake was doing funk-dance to Unchained Melody," the dog offered earnestly. "It's a ballad, Alf, and to be honest, it's one of the slowest songs I can think of. You'd have been better off doing a slow waltz to something with that tempo. The other factor may have been the large amount of beer you consumed beforehand. — Mark Jackman

Fiction is but a moment of bliss that takes the pain away...Like a cookie for the soul... — Leona Keyoko Pink

Emma was doing something nice for Simon? Hell must be enjoying the snow day. — E.J. Stevens

Alright. So how are we getting down there? Can you turn invisible or something?"

"What do I look like? A magician?"

"Well, can you fight?"

"Can you?"

"No," said Thalcu with a sad laugh. "Zonbiri women aren't allowed to handle anything bigger than a butter knife. Not legally, anyway. Besides, I could never shoot a gun. My hands are used to pushing remote control buttons, pounding game controllers . . . picking the good chips from the bag. — Ash Gray

Writing a book with completely fictitious characters is like running a democracy, centered around a capital state. You constantly live with the fear & suspicion that one of the characters will start an uncontrollable rebellion. — Shomprakash Sinha Roy

I was sitting on the couch in the living room, pouring through an old sci-fi novel I'd found in one of the ruins, and I could hear the water bubbling as he cooked. The spaghetti smelled good, but I knew he'd probably put something crazy in it like popcorn or marshmallows, so I ignored my rumbling belly. — Ash Gray

F***ing triffids. — Scott B. Pruden

I engage in subtle stalking. That's entirely different and perfectly socially acceptable. — Siobhan Davis

Basset Hounds never get scared. We're fearless, resolute and know how to season a good lamb chop. — Elias Zapple

Why, oh why was I standing entranced when I should have been releasing my inner she wolf on his arse? — Lilly James

The emotion was the most important thing. — Graham Spaid

You didn't just accidentally win my favor," I dispute, slowly shaking my
forehead against his.
"You earned it. Now, if I can just save your life twenty or thirty more times ... We might actually be able to call it even. — M.A. George

The Butcher of Babylon featured in over 500 porn films between 1974 and 1982, and was best known for his motto: Come for the butcher, stay for the meat. — Mark Jackman

His only real financial failure came at the age of thirteen when, in an uncharacteristic error of judgement, he invested £200,000 of his own savings in wooden socks, an invention that never caught on as he had hoped. — Mark Jackman

There's no point running anyway. In t-minus ten minutes, you will have no where to run to."

Quinn tensed at the triumphant look in his eyes. ". . .what have you done?"

"I have entered launch codes in the computer. In exactly ten minutes, Alpha Star 9 will be a black stain in the middle of Utah."

Quinn's lips part in shock.

"Yes," said. Dr. Zorgone in amusement. "Dramatic gasp! — Ash Gray

His question is pretty dangerous for me to try to answer, so I don't - it continues to hang out there like the stained underwear at a slumber party that goes unclaimed. — Jen Naumann

The sexual contact before this?
"It was the first time."
The woman looked at Rat again, harder. The silence was more painful than the words. What she had just heard went beyond plain immorality. It was ridiculous. — Graham Spaid

We just move on, don't we, with traitors still amongst us? But there was one thought that wouldn't go away. If I loved him, I would forgive him. — Graham Spaid

Some people say he engineered his own arrest to gain an insight into modern methods of policing for a thriller he had planned. But you know what happens to artistic rats in prison: they have their rectums stretched, and not by overindulgence in Michelin-star food; they have their columns examined, and not by internet humorists or a qualified medical practitioner. I'm sure Rat knew this, too. Although he likes to accumulate a wide general knowledge, he would rather have a narrow rectum. A colon comes in handy here, before examples: two dots on top of one other, like the cowboys who copulate on Brokeback Mountain, on a slope so far away you need binoculars to see them properly. In prison there are too many insights and examples. Rat would never risk it. — Graham Spaid

Space: the gaping hole between land and other land. — SE Zbasnik

Are you in any pain? (Ariana Skyee)
Only my heart. (Cal Remus) — Siobhan Davis

We put our flags in soil when we
arrive, as if it now belongs to us and we know where we are. — Graham Spaid

I like stories about supervillains. They teach children that you can accomplish great things even when the whole world is against you. — G.D. Falksen

Nothing helps your partner keep his mind on Jesus more than having a sign of His love tanned on your primary erogenous zones. — Scott B. Pruden

Many great people had been considered to be boring, like Nigel Mansell, but anyone who had read the racing driver's autobiography, "Clutch Down, Dick Out", would know that perception was way off the mark. — Mark Jackman

A weapon needs a wielder; it should not be permitted to start its own fights."
"You are not my wielder; you are naught, a forgotten ghost, not even a memory."
"Maybe, but you are still a weapon. — Angelo Tsanatelis

Olga was better, in the sun, where he could see every pore in her skin. Get closer. Feel her next to him. It was all he wanted in the world. It was the last thing in the world that he could do. — Graham Spaid

Just tell him to keep his hands to himself and his python in his pants. — Evangeline Anderson

A nose is ordinarily naked. A nose isn't
nipple, although there are similarities. — Graham Spaid

Believe in something, and let that something be yourself. — Harley Brooks

Ven you read the speeches in the papers, and see as vun gen'lman says of another, 'the Honourable member, if he vill allow me to call him so' you vill understand, sir, that that means, 'if he vill allow me to keep up that 'ere pleasant and uniwersal fiction.' — Charles Dickens

... but some say that reality is what happens inside a writer's head, and it is fiction which takes place outside it. — Barry A. Whittingham

Superfast beings shouldn't piss off the comics geek-girl. — Gini Koch

But this bus was a bit too full. The driver only appeared to control the glass and metal around him. In reality, he was at the nose of a travelling paroxysm. — Graham Spaid

What happens," called out Max, "if you win?"
"We die anyway, but I become legend" I explained — Philip Palmer

The hamster-powered hat is the same as any other hat. It keeps your head warm and looks smart," the inventor said. "The hamster generates heat by running on the wheel. If you get a big enough hamster, it will keep your whole face warm. — Mark Jackman

A layer of fine powder coats his skin.
"My lungs are turning to concrete," Rob wheezes, hacking and spitting.
"So are my eyes. How do I always get roped into these things?" Avery coughs and pats Rob's back in sympathy. A poof of dust billows from the contact. — Laura Kreitzer

Clearly, we're supposed to be together. If this were the internet, seventeen-year-old girls would be writing slash fiction about us as we speak. — Vaughn R. Demont

Actually, watching television and surfing the Internet are really excellent practice for being dead. — Chuck Palahniuk