Humorous Dog Quotes & Sayings

You can teach an old dog new tricks. You just don't want to see the dog doing them. — Bill Cosby

I saw a great Newfoundland dog the other day sitting in front of a mirror at the entrance to a shop in Regent's Circus, and examining himself with an amount of smug satisfaction that I have never seen equaled elsewhere outside a vestry meeting. — Jerome K. Jerome

A woman calls from Seaview to say her linen closet is missing. Last September, her house had six bedrooms, two linen closets. She's sure of it. Now she's only got one. She comes to open her beach house for the summer. She drives out from the city with the kids and the nanny and the dog, and here they are with all heir luggage, and their towels are gone. Disappeared. Poof.
Bermuda triangulated. — Chuck Palahniuk

Earnest is our dog. She senses instantly that something is wrong, and guided by that timeless and unerring nurturing instinct that all female dogs have, she tries to lick my ears off. — Dave Barry

Mousse was a Labrador retriever, which is a large enthusiastic bulletproof species of dog made entirely from synthetic materials. This is the kind of dog that, if it takes an interest in your personal regions (which of course it does) you cannot fend it off with a blowtorch. — Dave Barry

In fact it was altogether an odd dog, of uncertain breed, or breeds. It was large and black, but its hair was tufty, its body scrawny and clumsy, and its manner edgy, anxious, verging on the completely neurotic. Whenever it came to a halt for a moment or so, the business of starting up again often seemed to cause it trouble, as if it had difficulty in remembering where it had left each of its legs. — Douglas Adams

In the olden days in England, you could be hung for stealing a sheep or a loaf of bread. However, if a sheep stole a loaf of bread and gave it to you, you would only be tried for receiving, a crime punishable by forty lashes with the cat or the dog, whichever was handy. If you stole a dog and were caught, you were punished with twelve rabbit punches, although it was hard to find rabbits big enough or strong enough to punch you. — Mike Harding

By the way, I have a bone to pick with you." Esperetta
"Only one?" Velkan
"At the moment." Esperetta
"Then I can't wait to hear it." Velkan
"'Bram' and 'Stoker'?" Esperetta
"It was fitting, I thought." Velkan — Sherrilyn Kenyon

Probably your biggest mistake was doing funk-dance to Unchained Melody," the dog offered earnestly. "It's a ballad, Alf, and to be honest, it's one of the slowest songs I can think of. You'd have been better off doing a slow waltz to something with that tempo. The other factor may have been the large amount of beer you consumed beforehand. — Mark Jackman

Famous designers think nothing of putting their names on your clothing, but would have the servants set the dogs on you if you ever tried to put your name on their clothing. — Dave Barry

I didn't do anything wrong. I swear.'
He grunted. 'Like I've never heard that before. Funny, but I expected a little more originality from Moira's daughter.'
'Yeah, well, the dog ate my notebook with all my good excuses. — Mindee Arnett

So I'm all, "Owned! Bee-yatch! Dog fucking owned you!" Doing a minor booty dance of ownage, perhaps, in retrospect, a bit prematurely. (I believe hip-hop to be the apprpriate language for taunting, at least until I learn French.) — Christopher Moore

There is absolutely nothing humorous at the Masters. Here, small dogs do not bark and babies do not cry. — Gary Player

My dog hasn't said a word all day, he must have a lot on his mind — Seth Czerepak

I can't quite put my finger on it, but there's something quite different about you, from the last time we were together, what could it be ... ."
Was this my ultra-dose of Intoxicated taking effect?
"I know!" said the prince happily. "You're a national disgrace!"
"And do you know what else is interesting," I replied. "In America, Prince is a dog's name. — Paul Rudnick

After we bring food home from the grocery store...Dogs must think we are the greatest hunters ever! — Ann Taylor

When just a kid, moved back to Canada and looking for a taste of England, I'd picked up a book of my Gram's, a dog-eared romance from the 'sixties about English hospital 'sisters' trying to get it on with the doctors, and thought it very shocking behaviour for nuns. — Roberta Pearce

And I'll have you know that if you hurt my son again, if he so much as sighs sadly over his coffee, I will hire a man, a Russian, probably, to hunt you down and rip all that shiny black hair from your head, then break your skinny arms and legs, and set you on fire, and then put you out with a hammer. And should there be children from your beastly rutting, I shall have the Russian man cut them to tiny pieces and feed them to Madame Jacob's dog. because, although he may be only a worthless, simpleminded, libertine artist, Lucien is my favorite, and I will not have him hurt. Do you understand? — Christopher Moore

It wasn't until someone kicked his legs that Nik woke up. Alek, snoring beside him, his head resting on his shoulder. Ban snoring on the other couch, the noise rivaled only by the dog. He looked into the impossibly cranky face of Zach Sheridan. "Y'all get food?"
"We had a full refrigerator before you three got here."
"Where I come from, we don't let the refrigerator get empty."
"Where you come from, you marry your sister. — Shelly Laurenston

Dogs make good pets because they are very loyal — Dave Barry

Jericho stopped him before he left. He slid the ring off his finger and handed it to him. "Take this."
Asmodeus curled his lip as he shrank back from it. "I'm not about to marry your ugly ass, boy. No offense, but you ain't my type. I like my dates with less body hair ... and with female parts attached by nature."
Jericho let out an aggravated growl. "It's not a wedding ring, asshole. It's Berith's ring. You get into trouble you can summon him to help you get out of there."
That completely changed his attitude. "Oh, hey, that could be worth an engagement to you." Asmodeus grinned as he palmed it. "If I'm back in a few hours ... well, I don't want to think about that. I might change my mind about doing this. I'm thinking happy thoughts. Creamed dog innards and rotten steak. Yeah. Yum." He vanished. — Sherrilyn Kenyon

Andrea: " ... I think a dog is a great idea. I just never pictured you with a mutant poodle."
Kate: "He isn't a poodle. He's a Doberman mix."
Andrea: "Aha. Keep telling yourself that. — Ilona Andrews

I don't appreciate people who celebrate their dog's birthdays with "dog parties," and then invite their friends who don't even have dogs. I understand why people like dogs, and I think they definitely bring more to the table than cats or those godforsaken ferrets, but I don't think it's healthy for people to treat their dogs like they are real people. — Chelsea Handler

I would like to be able to admire a man's opinions as I would his dog - without being expected to take it home with me. — Frank A. Clark

The greatest trick you can teach an old dog is how to learn new tricks. — J.S. Davey

The first animals to be successfully domesticated were dogs, which were a big help because they would bark all night and fetch thrown sticks, thereby freeing humans from having to perform these tedious yet vital tasks. — Dave Barry

Nigromanta took him to her room, which was lighted with false candlesticks, to her folding cot with the bedding stained from bad loves, and to her body of a wild dog, hardened and without a soul, which prepared itsself to dismiss him as if he were a frightened child, and suddenly it found a man whose tremendous power demanded a movement of seismic readjustment from her insides. — Gabriel Garcia Marquez

You may have heard that a dean is to faculty as a hydrant is to a dog. — Alfred Kahn

I sprayed my dog with off and he still sits in my favorite chair!! — Neil Leckman

if anyone comes into my domain without explicit permission, I'm going to impale you in a way that will give you the very best idea of what it feels like to be a corn dog. — Dannika Dark

I'm more of a dog person. But I admire cats and their ability to take so much while giving so little. — Jeri Smith-Ready

The person who thinks dogs can't talk doesn't want to learn a second language. — Mark Winik

When I say "dogs", I'm talking about dogs, which are large, bounding, salivating animals, usually with bad breath. I am not talking about those little squeaky things you can hold on your lap and carry around. Zoologically speaking, these are not dogs at all; they are members of the pillow family. — Dave Barry

I bet that dog-walking trollop called the cops on us. - Esme from Sister Mischief — Laura Goode