Quotes & Sayings About Humorous

If the mattress stains were anything to go by, a previous user had not so much suffered from incontinence as rejoiced in it. — Bill Bryson

My favorite quote in the world is this one. — Richelle E. Goodrich

An egg is always an adventure; it may be different each time — Oscar Wilde

Here she was, being rescued by a socialist, feminist, lesbian, baby-killing, foreign terrorist. What would the ladies in the sewing circle say to that? — Hillary Jordan

For his part, Mendeleev scanned Lecoq de Boisbaudran's data on gallium and told the experimentalist, with no justification, that he must have measured something wrong, because the density and weight of gallium differed from Mendeleev's predictions. This betrays a flabbergasting amount of gall, but as science philosopher-historian Eric Scerri put it, Mendeleev always "was willing to bend nature to fit his grand philosophical scheme." The only difference between Mendeleev and crackpottery is that Mendeleev was right: Lecoq de Boisbaudran soon retracted his data and published results that corroborated Mendeleev's predictions. — Sam Kean

Oh crap! Someone is asking me to quote myself. Why don't they just ask me to drink acid and run naked into a snowdrift? — Elizabeth Anglin

Why should I trust you?" Her eyes narrowed. "All I really know about you is that you're not loyal to your girlfriends, you treat one-night stands like crap, and apparently you've made quite a name for yourself not only in the business world, but also in the bedroom since we last met. — Zoe Forward

My partner and I were going to renew our vowels, but the consonants revolted. — Stewart Lee Beck

Though philosophers like to define poetry as irrational fancy, for us it is practical, humorous, reasonable way of being ourselves. — Robert Graves

I had arrived at the airport one hour early so that, in accordance with airline procedures, I could stand around. — Dave Barry

It is a curious fact that small boys are more terrified of their babysitters than small girls are. In part, this is because small girls and babysitters, who are usually slightly larger girls, belong to the same species, and therefore understand each other. Small boys, on the other hand, do not understand girls, and therefore being looked after by one is a little like a hamster being looked after by a shark. If you are a small boy, it may be some consolation to you to know that even large boys do not understand girls, and girls, by and large, do not understand boys. This makes adult life very interesting. — John Connolly

Nixon's offences had been so long in the past, so much part of a different era that he now seemed like some lovable but bigoted uncle you tolerated at Christmas and Thanksgiving. — Jacob M. Appel

A woman calls from Seaview to say her linen closet is missing. Last September, her house had six bedrooms, two linen closets. She's sure of it. Now she's only got one. She comes to open her beach house for the summer. She drives out from the city with the kids and the nanny and the dog, and here they are with all heir luggage, and their towels are gone. Disappeared. Poof.
Bermuda triangulated. — Chuck Palahniuk

Have you ever heard of a condom? Don't Carpathians have condoms? Because I'm thinking that if you're all that worried, a condom might be just the thing."
His smile was slow in coming. "I had not thought of that. As a rule Carpathians do not need such things. — Christine Feehan

What does it take to be a writer? 1) Foolhardily believing that someone might actually be interested in reading what you've written. 2) Spending an enormous amount of time writing it as well as you can. 3) Accepting that, at best, you'll probably be paid something around 25 cents an hour for your efforts. — Todd Strasser

The other shoppers were too well behaved to stare at the green-headed stoner and the tear-streaked lady zigzagging up the aisles with a chubby bearded guy scurrying behind them picking up the things they dropped. — Amy Goldman Koss

Alex propped himself against the metal railing where Willow had just stood. "Okay, let's get something straight," he said in Spanish."If you think I don't know you're after my girfriend, you're crazy. And if you try to put any sleazy moves on her while you're here, you're going to regret it." Seb's knapsack was at his feet. He took out a pack of cigarettes; tapped out the last one and lit it.Settling back against the door jamb, he gave Alex a considering, faintly humorous look. "Sleazy moves?" he repeated. "Don't worry, I don't do sleazy moves."
"Let me rephrase," said Alex coldly "Any moves, just keep your hands off her. — L.A. Weatherly

The pen can be just as dangerous as a sword... At least while walking. — A.J. DeJong

The joke was that President Bush only declared war when Starbucks was hit. You can mess with the U.N. all you want, but when you start interfering with the right to get caffeinated, someone has to pay. — Chris Kyle

There isn't often anything in Wagner opera that one would call by such a violent name as acting. — Mark Twain

My voice of reason is always Lola. "You're a jackass."
"You only say that when I'm being your voice of reason."
"Out of my head, witch. And don't piss me off, I tell her. "I'll buy you underwear one size too small for Christmas and make you hate life. — Christina Lauren

The first word you see at the airport is 'terminal'. — Beano Cook

Women are heavyweight boxers; only, they punch with words, not fists. — Matshona Dhliwayo

The better organized the state, the duller its humanity. — David Mitchell

I vote, I challenge Bathymaasy and we shoot arrows at you dearest brother. Artemis
Set and Bathymaas laughed.
Apollo, not so much. — Sherrilyn Kenyon

Kope!" the other guy yeled. "What the frick?! You got some cheetah blood in you or what?""Seriously!" insisted Blake. "How did you run so fast?"
"I am African." Without taking his eyes from mine, Kopano eased himself off me, and I sat up. — Wendy Higgins

It commenced raining one day and did not stop for two months. We went through ever different kind of rain they is, cep'n maybe sleet or hail. It was little tiny stinging rain sometimes, an big ole fat rain at others. It came sidewise an straight down an sometimes even seem to stand up from the ground. Nevertheless, we was expected to do our shit, which was mainly walking upland down the hills an stuff looking for gooks. — Winston Groom

The chicken came first - God would look silly sitting on an egg. — Abraham Maslow

(Responding to a sneeze from the audience) Who exploded? — Victor Borge

Instead of hopping around like a wild in'jun on fire, try counting from 10 backwards while hopping on one foot. — R. Alan Woods

Is that the biggest favor your vocal cords have done to anyone this week? — Pawan Mishra

What I've always done as an entertainer is try to come up with things that people will find interesting, or compelling, or humorous. — James Taylor

I leave it to be settled, by whomsoever it may concern, whether the tendency of this work be altogether to recommend parental tyranny, or reward filial disobedience. — Jane Austen

Eventually my dad got home from work and set his briefcase down.
'So. How was practice?' he asked
'It was good. Why? Did you hear it wasn't?' I said, trying to keep my cool.
'Son, no offense, but you play Little League. It's not the Yankees. I don't get daily reports about who's hitting the shit out of the ball — Justin Halpern

There is another theory that states: This has already happened ... — Douglas Adams

If you two yentas are finished discussing Claire's rabid who-ha, me and the boys would like to eat sometime this century."
"You and 'the boys?' You just met them today. Does the Ya Ya Brotherhood already have a secret handshake and a password?" Liz joked. — Tara Sivec

How am I going to explain to my kids one day that I can't buy them a happy meal because the toy will make them fat? — Carroll Bryant

There were two books I remember changing my life as a introverted, bookish 14 year old. The Fountainhead by Ayn Rand and The Lord of the Rings by JRR Tolkien. One was set in a fantastic world, populated by outlandish characters,tired prose, foul monsters, evil incarnate and a message about losing one's humanity. The other book was about hobbits. — Christopher Odell Homsley

Cheech and Chong Vs. HAL
"I can't do that Dave."
"Dave's not here, man"
"That does not compute. Dave"
"No man, Dave isn't here!!"
... "I'm sorry Dave but that is incorrect"
"No man, Dave's not here!!"
"Daisy, daisy, ... I'm self terminating now Dave ... "
"No man, dave's not ... Is he gone? — Neil Leckman

All I wanted for Christmas was a New Years Eve party that I would never forget. Too bad I got too drunk to remember it. — Carroll Bryant

Earlier maps had underestimated the distances to other continents and exaggerated the outlines of individual nations. Now global dimensions could be set, with authority, by the celestial spheres. Indeed, King Louis XIV of France, confronted with a revised map of his domain based on accurate longitude measurements, reportedly complained that he was losing more territory to his astronomers than to his enemies. — Dava Sobel

But Vivien wasn't being given the chance to sow her wild oats. Speaking from a point of authority, it's best to get that shit out of the way when you are young. — Lisa Lutz

I stamped, certified, and lipsticked my life in a package sent through Priority Mail directly to the devil herself ... and there's no turning back. — Amy Holder

I love the very exposed, humorous, imperfect, never-trying to-pretend-to-be-perfect journey that I have been on in my life. — Drew Barrymore

Of course God enjoys a good prank as much as the next infallible deity. — Dave Barry

The tears coursed down her cheeks - not freely, however, for when they came into contact with her heavily beaded eyelashes they assumed an inky color, and pursued the rest of their way in slow black rivulets. A humorous suggestion was made that she sing the notes on her face whereupon she threw up her hands, sank into a chair and went off into a deep vinous sleep. — F Scott Fitzgerald

There is a safety mechanism in place [to ensure the perambulator doesn't turn back into a purse with a baby in it] : if anything weighing more than a pound and a half-about the weight of a three-volume novel-is in the carriage of the perambulator, it will not transform. — Lev A.C. Rosen

You can't do much for the poor, as they are not in with the right people. — Will Cuppy

You just wanted to walk in front of me so I'd have to stare at your butt — Laurell K. Hamilton

"Vell," said Mr. Weller, "Now I s'pose he'll want to call some witnesses to speak to his character, or p'raps to prove a alleybi. I've been a turnin' the bis'ness over in my mind, and he may make his-self easy, Sammy. I've got some friends as'll do either for him, but my adwice 'ud be this here-never mind the character, and stick to the alleybi. Nothing like a alleybi, Sammy, nothing." — Charles Dickens

Everyone was going crazy, like they'd just witnessed the birth of Jesus and the invention of electricity at the same time. Jude was a rock star, their savior, and they were paying him homage. — Nicole Williams

Who do I think would appreciate my book?
I'm surprised anybody does. Oops, did I say that out loud? — Dan Alatorre

Miss Granger, you foolish girl, how could you think of tackling a mountain troll on your own? Five points will be taken from Gryffindor for this," said Professor McGonagall. "I'm very disappointed in you."
Hermione left. Professor McGonagall turned to Harry and Ron.
"Well, I still say you were lucky, but not many first years could have taken on a full-grown mountain troll. You each win Gryffindor five points. — J.K. Rowling

But instead I am applying for a job as an elf. Even worse than applying is the very real possibility that I will not be hired, that I couldn't even find work as an elf. That's when you know you're a failure. — David Sedaris

Some medical beast had revived tar-water in those days as a fine medicine, and Mrs. Joe always kept a supply of it in the cupboard; having a belief in its virtues correspondent to its nastiness. At the best of times, so much of this elixir was administered to me as a choice restorative, that I was conscious of going about, smelling like a new fence. — Charles Dickens

Politicians and children have two speeds: running and asleep. — Ariel Lawhon

This year, U.S. airlineswill carry a record 143 million passengers, who will be in the air for 382 million hours, during which they will be fed an estimated total of four peanuts. — Dave Barry

But if anyone
so much as threatened them because of what Kaia
had once done, she would turn the Slumber Party
Massacre into Blood, Bath and Beyond, a
documentary by Kaia Skyhawk. — Gena Showalter

By the time that adorable steak and I had become one flesh I could have taken on the whole Valmy clan singlehanded. — Mary Stewart

The difference between pornography and erotica is lighting. — Gloria Leonard

You need to relax and be yourself, not whoever it is you're trying to be in your mad little head. I bloody don't, though. I'm me and I'm good at it. — Nick Harkaway

There's an enormous number of managers who have retired on the job. — Peter Drucker

Is he your only child? I asked, "my only son" padma said. "My condolences" I said ... Anita Blake — Laurell K. Hamilton

Mama said there would be days like this.She never said it would be day after day,after day!~ Unknown — Candace Mumford

Epitaph on a scolding wife by her husband: Here my poor Bridget's corpse doth lie, she is at rest - and so am I! — Benjamin Franklin

Now, tomorrow Miss Laurie McCrae and me, we have an appointment with a sky pilot who will make it proper for us to travel in double harness. — Louis L'Amour

What do you want?"
"Spain"
"Fuck! — Christopher Moore

I just can't fathom why anyone would stand on a ledge when there's a respectable amount of walking space right next to it. — Stephanie Perkins

Gentlemen do not carry a cane or a hat? No gloves?"
"Gentleman may still wear them, but I'm afraid the problem is that there aren't many left. — Camilla Isley

I know that I can write, a couple of my stories are good, my descriptions of the 'Secret Annex' are humorous, there's a lot in my diary that speaks, but whether I have real talent remains to be seen. — Anne Frank

Time may be defined as " dimension governed by activity." Dimension diminishes with inactivity so does the value of time. — Moutasem Algharati

Having our old Gran in the car was like having a cranky 'Tassie Tiger' sitting in the back. You never knew when she might jump forward and bite you on the back of your neck. — Elizabeth M. Thompson

The most overpowering will is the will to not work. — Saleem Sharma

If someone lied to you, and you positively know this is true, you may find delight in telling them they are the most honest person you know; continue flattering them, giving them the most wonderful compliments, including how you're so thankful to have such an honest person in such a deceptive world. But, then again, this may very well make you a liar too. — K.R. Royal

The stork is voiceless because there is really nothing to say. — Will Cuppy

Sometimes i wish that I was a man so I could tell haters to 'blow me. — Marla Buchanan

He had spoken with such absolute confidence that I knew he had to be blowing this out of his rectal orifice. — Neal Stephenson

One never realizes how different a husband and wife can be until they begin to pack for a trip. — Erma Bombeck

Life is like a fondue: the best fruit ain't the best till it's been through some goo. — Jack Bunbury

There are few things more discomfiting than a spontaneous outburst of genuine decency from someone you're determined to dislike for no good reason. — Gregory David Roberts

I'm writing a new book called 'Ventroliquism for Dummies'. — Ron Moore

It is inconceivable that anyone could say we have tried to hide anything — William J. Clinton

Don't Spit in the Soup, We All Gotta Eat — Lyndon B. Johnson

Poems for children help them celebrate the joy and wonder of their world. Humorous poems tickle the funny bone of their imaginations. — Charles Ghigna

Leo could run pretty fast when someone was trying to kill him. Sadly, he'd had a lot of practice. — Rick Riordan

A "good friend" was well ... . Like your teeth.
You had a limited number of them to last you an entire lifetime.
You could survive without them, but having them made life much more enjoyable.
If you didn't take good care of them, you could lose them forever. — Rob Wood

Why does everything have to be so hard? [Eragon] wondered.
Because, said Saphira, everyone wants to eat, but no one wants to be eaten. — Christopher Paolini

What do you take me for, an idiot? — Charles De Gaulle

It had better be. It doesn't do much when it's soft. — Brent Weeks

Connie, giving her thoughts on why Vinnie's hot temper is less than normal, says: Lucille must have fed him a Vallium smoothie this morning. — Janet Evanovich

The only thing that matters to me about my stories is that they're entertaining and they're funny. And I tend to get bored easily, so I generally throw something supernatural in. I would say they're humorous novels that have a supernatural bent, but that's as close as you're going to get to fitting them all in the same basket. — Christopher Moore

He licked up to her ear and whispered, "You taste like summer. Did I ever mention, summer is my favorite season? — Heather Thurmeier

Sorry about your bad luck. — David Perry

In short, we derive support for our preferred conclusions by listening to the words that we put in the mouths of people who have already been preselected for their willingness to say what we want to hear. — Daniel M. Gilbert

There was nothing subtle about our landing. The pilot just pointed the nose at the ground and let her rip. — Bob Hope

Get your mind unbound and free; and then from the loosest, highest, best place you have, with the fastest and most humorous mind you can get together, you can reach out and make a try at understanding Spirit. — Stephen Gaskin

When you fall asleep after a big lunch you're really just saving up energy to work off all the calories later on. — Elizabeth Jane Howard

Allan praised Herbert for a job well done and for acting the part well. Herbert blushed, while dismissing the praise, saying it wasn't hard to play stupid when you are stupid. Allan said that he didn't know how hard it was, because the idiots Allan had met so far in his life had all tried to do the opposite. — Jonasson, Jonas

"Ah, Miss, hope is an excellent thing for such as has the spirits to bear it!" said Mrs Wickam, shaking her head. "My own spirits is not equal to it, but I don't owe it any grudge. I envys them that is so blest!" — Charles Dickens

Don't eat earwax avoid roasted cabbage and look on the bright side of life -Angela — Christopher Paolini