Humor Woman Quotes & Sayings

If you wants something done, you'd better do it yourself - or ask another woman to do it. — Bette Midler

This was how I would die. Strangled by an attractive, seminaked woman inside a fridge with a giant tarantula in the middle of a sea of carnivorous jam. As I blacked out, all I could think of was a fortune teller I'd spoken to a few years ago, and how full of shit she'd turned out to be. — Yahtzee Croshaw

When something needs to be said, you look for a man to say it. But when something needs actually to be done, you look for a woman. — P.B. Kerr

Now, there is a tendency at a point like this to look over one's shoulder at the cover artist and start going on at length about leather, tightboots and naked blades.
Words like 'full', 'round' and even 'pert' creep into the narrative, until the writer has to go and have a cold shower and a lie down.
Which is all rather silly, because any woman setting out to make a living by the sword isn't about to go around looking like something off the cover of the more advanced kind of lingerie catalogue for the specialized buyer.
Oh well, all right. The point that must be made is that although Herrena the Henna-Haired Harridan would look quite stunning after a good bath, a heavy-duty manicure, and the pick of the leather racks in Woo Hun Ling's Oriental Exotica and Martial Aids on Heroes Street, she was currently quite sensibly dressed in light chain mail, soft boots, and a short sword.
All right, maybe the boots were leather. But not black. — Terry Pratchett

. Despite the considerable horror they had felt when the SA men were bellowing crude anti-Semitic slogans, in retrospect the joke-tellers were very much aware of the boycott's inherent absurdity:
A city on the Rhine during the boycott: SA men stand in front of Jewish businesses and "warn" passers-by against entering them. Nonetheless, a woman tries to go into a knitting shop.
An SA man stops her and says, "Hey, you. Stay outside. That's a Jewish shop!"
"So?" replies the woman. "I'm Jewish myself."
The SA man pushes her back. "Anyone can say that! — Rudolph Herzog

...I'm insane, Jorie thought. She saw herself lying in a hospital bed, her wallet and valuables gone. When asked why she got into a car with a woman she didn't know, her reply would land her in the psych ward. Well, you see, I have this fantasy lover because, frankly, they're so much easier to deal with. She never makes a mess, loves my demonic cat, always says the right thing at the right time. I saw this woman, and she was my dream come to life, so I just had to get into the car with her because I'm an idiot... — Robin Alexander

How the hell do I know what pisses a woman off? ... Nobody knows because it can be any damn thing. It's an unsolved mystery. And the next day, that any damn thing is fine, and it's some other damn thing. No man knows. — Nora Roberts

You can't make a woman love you. Not even with duct tape. — J. Richard Singleton

Suddenly, the double doors of the parlor whooshed open. A large fleshy woman stood before me in full regalia. Her eyes were all made up, earrings and bracelets jangling. The sign in the window said Miss Sadie was a medium. From the look of her, I'd say that was a bit wishful. — Clare Vanderpool

After God created the world, He made man and woman. Then, to keep the whole thing from collapsing, He invented humor. — Bill Kelly

She looked at the spear in a way that no woman had ever looked at Richard — Neil Gaiman

I will say that as I get older and calmer and quieter in my own self, the one quality in a woman that I find more and more attractive is kindness. A sense of adventure and humor is important too, but I truly find kindness and consideration for others to be the most attractive thing in anyone. — Colin Farrell

Prague lay before him like a mysterious stranger in an old hat. An exotic woman waiting for him in poor light. Like an inviting gypsy with a brand-new iPod. — Victor Gischler

So I was in Tesco's and I saw this man and woman wrapped in a barcode. I said "Are you two an item?" — Tommy Cooper

She was a beautiful woman." Gavner sighed, tracing the outline of one of the elephants. "She just had very bad taste in underwear ... "
"And in boyfriends," I added impishly.
Mr. Crepsley burst into laughter at that — Darren Shan

Why not use some of those amazing powers of yours to give the poor woman a little satisfaction? — Lucian Bane

There was more than one thing wrong with the whole story anyway. Had no one thought it remotely suspicious? Unhappy man marries beautiful woman. Beautiful woman shapes up rather nasty. Man unhappier than ever; woman unhappy as well. Three short weeks... Oops, he's dead! Oh, poor, dear child. Let's see what we can do with her. Free labor! — Rachel Heffington

As any man, I, of course, have certain preferences. Being a Scot by birth, I'm inclined to favor those with a well-scrubbed look and a hint of color in their cheeks-put there by an early walk in the chill air rather than by rouge. The smell of soap on a woman's skin or the hint of shampoo in her hair is perfume enough for me ... Humor is important. The most beautiful woman in the world is a bore without that. — David Niven

It was like when a midde-aged woman, happily married, found out that her favorite movie star was gay. It broke her heart just a litte to know that there wasn't even a chance in fantasyland for the two of them to ever touch. — Amy Lane

After using a paint chart from a local DIY superstore to identify the skin tone of his penis as midnight chocolate, Miriam stayed down on one knee and offered him the citizenship he had always wanted and the middle-aged white woman he would grudgingly accept. — David F. Porteous

Every man's dream is to be able to sink into the arms of a woman without also falling into her hands — Jerry Lewis

A woman has to look good, but a man - a little bit nicer looking than a monkey is enough. — Meir Shalev

After spending 460 days as a hostage, I did emerge a fundamentally changed person. But I think, like everyone does as they grow older and probably wiser, I can look back at my earlier life - my history, my mistakes, the joy I felt as a young woman traveling the world - with some objectivity and even some humor. — Amanda Lindhout

Fred, you next," the plump woman said.
"I'm not Fred, I'm George," said the boy. "Honestly, woman, you call yourself our mother? Can't you tell I'm George?"
"Sorry, George, dear."
"Only joking, I am Fred," said the boy and off he went. — J.K. Rowling

A woman's never too old to make an idiot of herself. It goes along with equality of the sexes and potty parity. — Janet Evanovich

When women respond negatively to misogynistic or rape humor, they are "sensitive" and branded as "feminist," a word that has, as of late, become a catchall term for "woman who does not tolerate bullshit. — Roxane Gay

She laughed - a bit louder than I could have wished in my frail state of health, but then she is always a woman who tends to bring plaster falling from the ceiling when amused. — P.G. Wodehouse

The man walked past me and stopped, observing the blood running down my neck.
"Your injury. Let us tend to it." He looked out through the open doorway and silently gestured to someone out there. "Our world," he said, "is far more advanced than yours. For reasons you'll understand shortly."
A thin, bony, naked woman entered the room, carrying two small, white kittens. She sat one of the fluffy cats in my lap and stuffed the other down my shirt. She turned and left.
"There," said the large man. "The kittens will make your sad go away. — David Wong

He tries, but I don't let go. I am like the woman who pushes a car off a baby. Adrenaline courses through every inch of my body, and Enrico cannot break free. — Julie Sarff

It is the charge of us who survive to see another dawn each day that we honor the memory of the kind and brave souls who have pioneered and lived and loved before us. They have taught us how to interpret a melody, or how to play a rhythm, or how to laugh at one of life's many absurdities. Life lessons. Good deeds. Mistakes. The sum of a man's or a woman's life can take years to absorb and understand, but we must always appreciate the sacrifice, wisdom, love, and humor that our fallen comrades have left to us. — Peter Erskine

It's a terrible thing for a man when his woman gangs up on him wi' a toad — Terry Pratchett

Actually, I believe there are only two kinds of women in this world: Martha people and Oprah people. That doesn't mean one can't have an affinity for both of them, but my theory is that every chick is more firmly in one camp than the other. The typical Oprah woman is all self-actualized and best-life-y and Eat, Pray, Love. The Big O seems like the kind of gal who'd insist we all spend the afternoon wearing jammy pants. And how fun would that be?!
But Martha?
She's not putting up with that nonsense, and that makes me adore her all the more. She'll tell you what to eat, where to pray, and who to love, and I appreciate the guidance. — Jen Lancaster

After the group vet appointment
during which Lyle scratched the vet, the vet tech, and some poor woman minding her own business in the waiting room
we went back to Sabrina's and re-released the cats to their natural habitat. — Sarah Dessen

Courting is an activity where a man and a woman flaunt their virtues. Dating is an activity where life exposes the other's vices. — Mokokoma Mokhonoana

After all, it wouldn't be the first time that I'd let a beautiful woman rip the molecules of my body apart, shoot them through a light beam, and throw them back together somewhere else for credits. But that's another story... — John Zakour

I also don't turn into a bat or sparkle in the sun. Hollywood's portrayal of vampires is almost as accurate as its portrayal of prostitution in Pretty Woman. — Kerry Allen

On the porch were the still-smoking remains of long-stemmed roses, evidence that someone angry and passive-aggressive didn't know Peter was out of town. — Theric Jepson

Kitten, this is my best mate, Charles, but you can call him Spade. Charles, this is Cat, the woman I've been telling you about. You can see for yourself that everything I've said is ... an understatement. — Jeaniene Frost

Annwyl?" Ragnar repeated, suddenly remembering that Keita had said the same name before they'd
burst out of the woods. "This is Annwyl?" Ragnar looked the woman over, from her absurdly large feet
to the top of her unkempt head. "This?"
This human who had more muscles than seemed necessary for any royal and watched him and his kin
with what he could only term as the mad eyes of a diseased animal. — G.A. Aiken

Lastly, she pictured to herself how this same little sister of hers would, in the after-time, be herself a grown woman; and how she would keep, through all her riper years, the simple and loving heart of her childhood: and how she would gather about her other little children, and make their eyes bright and eager with many a strange tale, perhaps even with the dream of Wonderland of long ago: and how she would feel with all their simple sorrows, and find a pleasure in all their simple joys, remembering her own child-life, and the happy summer days. — Lewis Carroll

It isn't tying himself to one woman that a man dreads when he thinks of marrying; it's separating himself from all the others. — Helen Rowland

I don't know. You'll have to ask him yourself."
She sat up enough to look him in the eye. "I am not talking to
your ... your ... "
"Mighty throbbing manhood?"
"Briec."
"That which brings you much delirious pleasure?"
"Briec."
"That which makes you whole?"
"Stop it, dragon. You're making me physically ill."
...
"Ow!"
"Be nice, woman. I'm not used to this."
She rubbed her ass and glared at him. "Do that again and you'll
lose that which you believe makes me whole. — G.A. Aiken

Are you telling me you're cooking me dinner?- Regan Its the quickest way, without physical contact, to get a woman into bed. The kitchen through there? — Nora Roberts

It takes more than balls to be a woman. It takes ovaries. — Solange Nicole

John shrugged. "It always seemed silly to me to desire a woman who cannot converse any better than a sheep."
Belle leaned forward, her eyes glittering mischievously. "Really? I would have thought you'd prefer such a woman,considering your difficulty with polite conversation."
"Touche, my lady. I cede this round to you. — Julia Quinn

Is Loor a man's name or a woman's name?" Aja, TRB.
It is the name of a female warrior." Loor, TRB.
What did she do that was so heroic?" Aja, TRB
She killed her enemies and ate them." Loor, TRB. — D.J. MacHale

So, Azalee - " When he turned to her, she stared daggers back - almost as though she had read his mind. Can Chertzes do that? he wondered in a wild moment of panic.

"What?" bit Azalee when he didn't continue.

Mighty Zeus, could he go five minutes without offending a woman? — Deidre Huesmann

Bloody ashes, woman. This isn't a metaphor for anything! It's just boots. — Robert Jordan

I walk up and down the rows. The heads look like rubber halloween masks. They also look like human heads, but my brain has no precedent for human heads on tables or in roasting pans or anywhere other than on top of a human bodies, and so I think it has chosen to interpret the sight in a more comforting manner. - Here we are at the rubber mask factory. Look at the nice men and woman working on the masks. — Mary Roach

I am a man, and men do not drink pink drinks. Now, be gone, woman, and fetch me something brown." Jace said.
"Brown?" said Isabelle.
"Yes. Brown. It's a manly color. See? Alec is wearing it." Jace said.
"Well, it was black but it faded." Alec said.
"Well, I can always fix it up with something sparkly," Magnus said, holding a sparkley headband.
"Resist the urge, Alec, resist the urge." Simon said. — Cassandra Clare

It's only one date. I can do it. And you'll probably lose interest afterward."

"No other woman's ever needed to give herself a pep talk to spend time with me."

"That you know of. — Ann Bruce

And what's a-trouble to you, Jackie?"
"Father," I said, feeling I might as well get it over while I had him in
good humour, "I had it all arranged to kill my grandmother."
He seemed a bit shaken by that, all right, because he said nothing
for quite a while.
"My goodness," he said at last, "that'd be a shocking thing to do.
What put that into your head?"
Father," I said, feeling very sorry for myself, " she's an awful woman. — Frank O'Connor

Supposing truth is a woman -- what then? — Friedrich Nietzsche

You thought giving a depressed prostitute a copy of Pretty Woman might help? — Isa K.

Everyone was staring at
them, and for that reason she forced herself to smile and to act as though it was nothing at all to
be dragged across the room by a man she'd only just met. When she heard one woman whisper in
a loud voice that she and the Marquess made a striking couple, she lost her smile. Yes, she did
feel like hitting Lyon, but it was certainly uncomplimentary of the woman to make such a
remark. — Julie Garwood

A woman needs a man like a tuba needs a cucumber. — Lois Greiman

Forgive me, Your Grace. Are you suggesting a woman is some sort of ... piece of fruit to you? One squeeze, and you know if she's ripe? — Tessa Dare

It simply isn't a woman's nature to be silent for prolonged periods of time. — Maya Banks

I have the sick fantasy that whatever I see at the movies is going to happen to me at home. My bladder capacity increased tenfold after I saw "The Shining" because I was sure that if I went into the bathroom late at night, there would be a dead woman in the bathtub. — Bailey White

There's a smoking hot, naked woman wiggling into red lace underwear in front of me. I'm lucky I can remember my name."

~ Sam Fitzpatrick — Mackenzie Crowne

Only a very careless father would be inclined to tell you what I'm going to tell you. I suppose I'm about to act like the disreputable uncle who everyone fears to leave the boys with because he encourages them to drink distilled spirits, stay up late, and do more than merely kiss girls."
"Uh ... what?" Mags replied, utterly bewildered now.
"I am going," Jakyr said, leaning toward Mags, his eyes dancing with laughter, "to tell you how to please a woman."
Max thought for a moment his face that caught fire, because surely it couldn't burn like that without some outside help. — Mercedes Lackey

He's cutting off circulation to my balls! If you want great grandchildren, woman, do something! Joshua sputtered — R.L. Mathewson

I HAVE SOME QUESTIONS ABOUT KING TRITON. Specifically, King, why are you elderly but with the body of a teenage Beastmaster? How do you maintain those monster pecs? Do they have endocrinologists under the sea? Because I am scheduling you some bloodwork ...
... Question: How come, when they turn back into humans at the end of Beauty and the Beast, Chip is a four-year-old boy, but his mother, Mrs. Potts, is like 107? Perhaps you're thinking, "Lindy, you are remembering it wrong. That kindly, white-haired, snowman-shaped Mrs. Doubtfire situation must be Chip's grandmother." Not so, champ! She's his mom. Look it up. She gave birth to him four years ago ... As soon as you become a mother, apparently, you are instantly interchangeable with the oldest woman in the world, and / or sixteen ounces of boiling brown water with a hat on it. Take a sec and contrast Mrs. Pott's literally spherical body with the cut-diamond abs of King Triton, father of seven. — Lindy West

With Angela drawn to the hangdog look and Malachy lonely after three months in jail, there was bound to be a knee-trmbler.
A knee-trmbler is the act itself done up against a wall, man and woman up on their toes, straining so hard their knees tremble with the excitement that's in it. — Frank McCourt

I thank Lord Brahma that your preference doesn't extend to a man being loyal to same woman for many lifetimes! — Amish Tripathi

Your mother sounds like a formidable woman," Valek said into the silence.
"You have no idea," Leif replied with a sigh.
"Well, if she's anything like Yelena, my deepest sympathies," Valek teased.
"Hey!"
Leif laughed and the tense moment dissipated.
Valek handed Leif his machete. "Do you know how to use it?"
"Of course. I chopped Yelena's bow into firewood," Leif joked. — Maria V. Snyder

If I order an appetizer is there any chance I can get it quickly? I'm two and a half months pregnant with a Bradford," she said, not mentioning it was twins because the thought was actually starting to scare her and she hadn't told Trevor yet and didn't want him finding out this way. She just hoped the woman understood because she was close to crying. Judging by the slightly startled look on the woman's face she did.
The waitress shook her head. "No, you're right. You probably won't be able to survive the wait," she said, sending Trevor, who was still trying to get the woman to leave, a glare. "I'll bring you out a bowl of clam chowder followed by chicken fingers, they'll only take a few minutes to prepare. Will that work?"
Zoe nodded solemnly. "You are my hero."
"I'll put a rush on your food," the waitress said before walking away.
"Bless you," Zoe said, fighting the urge to kiss the woman. — R.L. Mathewson

The woman is the home. That's where she used to be, and that's where she still is. You might ask me, What if a man tries to be part of the home
will the woman let him? I answer yes. Because the he becomes one of the children. — Marguerite Duras

You know the old adage: give a woman a bag and she'll fill it for a day. Teach a woman to pack and she'll fill every damn bag she owns (or something of that ilk). — Annmarie O'Connor

The desert is an unpredictable place. One day you're sweating, the next you're freezing. One moment the air is damp and cloudy like when the tide is coming in, the next the entire world is orange and dusty. The desert must be a woman. — Dianna Skowera

Inside the room there sat a rocker, which she sat on, and which had rocked her while she sipped the beer, because in spite of herself she had become so giddy to have so quickly relieved her heart that she allowed herself to lean backwards while in the rocker, which had made it possible for the rocker to rock her, although it was not her intention to be so rocked. Also there stood an ironing board with a still hot iron on it that was burning a yellow shift, and there was, among several items that were not as noticeable to the woman, and yet were noticeable enough to at least bear mention, a fake man.
"I hope you don't mind me asking," said the woman who lived in the room, but then while in her chair she nodded off. — Justin Dobbs

There are worse occupations in this world than feeling a woman's pulse. — Laurence Sterne

A woman could love a jackass. She could not love a son of a bitch. Many have tried, Gideon. Many have tried. — Deanna Raybourn

Rubbish!" screamed a fat, elderly woman, in Richard's ear, as he passed her malodorous stall. "Junk!" She continued. "Garbage! Trash! Offal! Debris! Come and get it! Nothing whole or undamaged! Crap, tripe, and useless piles of shit. You know you want it. — Neil Gaiman

I did the 'Bionic Woman,' which of course had a lot of humor in it, and that was really a function of a lot of the ad-libbing and the things that I did in it. — Lindsay Wagner

Somewhere in your nursery rhymes," Cranleigh said, intruding yet again, "you must have learned that men do talk. They compare. They
judge. They even, Lady Amelia, are known to make coarse jests."
"Darling Cranleigh," Sophia said from behind her. "How generous of you to instruct Lady Amelia, who is surely the most innocent woman of my acquaintance, in the habits of the man about Town. Certainly, if a woman is to find her way to the altar, with the appropriate man at her side, she does need keen instruction. Naturally, her brother, the Marquis of Hawksworth, is not the man for the job, as no brother ever is for a sister. But you, you have risen up to help Lady Amelia. I don't know the last time I've seen such gallantry in action. — Claudia Dain

As the saying goes: God made man and woman; Colonel Colt made them equal. — Ann Coulter

What do you buy a woman to get back on her good side when you've made her really, really angry? Cake? Fudge?"
The wrinkles on the old man's face scrunched together as he frowned.
"How angry did you make her boy?"
"She set my car on fire. — Alanea Alder

My first wife was a bear in the morning. I love me some passion, and I gotta have a woman who puts a little pepper in the gumbo, but I didn't make that morning mistake twice. — Mary Jane Hathaway

She looked up at him and said,"What did you say?"
"You have beautiful eyes."
"You told my father that he has beautiful eyes?"
He smiled. "No. You distracted me. I told your father that, while I was very grateful for the lesson, I doubt I would ever need of it again- because I was planning to court only one woman in my lifetime. — Sarah MacLean

Look guys, I am your worst nightmare. I'm a woman with a badge, a gun, and PMS. Are you really sure you want to piss me off any more tonight? — K.V. McMillan

And I ask myself what it is about me that makes this wonderful, beautiful woman return. Is it because I'm pathetic, helpless in my current state, completely dependent on her? Or is it my sense of humour, my willingness to tease her, to joke my way into painful, secret places? Do I help her understand herself? Do I make her happy? Do I do something for her that her husband and son can't do? Has she fallen in love with me?
As the days pass and I continue to heal, my body knitting itself back together, I begin to allow myself to think that she has. — Mohsin Hamid

Never make love to a woman who is bad with stained glass," the emperor said solemnly, giving no indication of humorous intent. "Such a woman is an ignorant shrew. — Salman Rushdie

I'll give you a hint," the woman said with a smile that held no friendliness at all. "You've slept with my husband."
"That doesn't winnow the field down as much as you think it would. — Tiffany Reisz

He leaned his head against the rock. Christ, when was the last time he'd seen the humor in life? And now, of all places, in an enemy camp, with a strange woman who made him burn. Burn with desire. Burn with need. A desire and need not only for her and her body, but for something he couldn't quite name. — Angela Quarles

An Angry female catawyld? Conquered.
An outraged female dragon? Defeated.
A woman who might pin him to the wall with green-eyed fury? Out of the question. — Nicole Sager

A woman stood on the sidewalk, her arms outstretched and her face turned to the sky. Sheer enjoyment splashed across her features, its intensity tugging at his heart. It was a raw emotion he rarely witnessed. — Cheryl Sterling

Behind every great man is a great woman' but in front of every great man should be a spectacular woman — Josh Stern

The only thing he was sorry for was slamming the door and perhaps raising his voice to the woman who'd been like a mother to him since the passing of his parents. Perhaps she hadn't really deserved his reaction, but he was, justifiably, weary of their meddling and hearing about his father's will. Apparently no suitable maiden was going to appear on his doorstep. He seemed to be looking for a needle in a haystack. — Lisa M. Prysock

8:58 We go to McDonald's. The woman in front of me in line spends more than five seconds contemplating her order. This infuriates me, WHAT ARE YOU LOOKING FOR?? MC-SEABASS?? IT'S THE GODDAMN MCDONALDS'S MENU, IT'S BEEN THE SAME FOR TEN YEARS! IT'S ALL MCSHIT!JUST ORDER! — Tucker Max

It hit a raw nerve to think that her relationship, or whatever this was between her and Drake, was following some guideline or schedule he performed by rote, regardless of who his current woman was.
Would any woman do for him? Did Evangeline's face blur among the many who'd come before her? Did she stand out? She supposed she was lucky that he at least remembered her name and hadn't called her by another woman's name. She'd likely stab him with a kitchen knife if that ever happened. — Maya Banks

Wow!" Dutch exclaimed as he took a gander at me. "You are a beautiful woman, Abby."
"And you have excellent taste!" I deadpanned. I'd waited for years to say that line. — Victoria Laurie

I'm going to write a book about an intelligent woman who does stupid things when it comes to men. I'll call it, "My Memoirs. — N.M. Silber

If a couple has their picture taken at a wedding or other social gathering, and the woman looks hot, her guy could be blinking, chewing, or even mid-sneeze, and she'll still display it on her desk at work. — Brian P. Cleary

She had only a candle's light to see by, but candlelight never did badly by any woman. — John Fowles

I told Augustus the broad outline of my miracle: diagnosed with Stage IV thyroid cancer when I was thirteen. (I didn't tell him that the diagnosis came three months after I got my first period. Like: Congratulations! You're a woman. Now die.) — John Green

Instead she looked very hard at the woman's chin. On it was a single white hair - visible even in the heavy dusk - that closely resembled a piece of thread hanging off a scrap of fabric.

The woman forgot about Rusty for a moment. "I call her Hephzibah," she said with pride. "It's taken years for her to grow. — Ness Kingsley

How shall I ever tell Aunt Shaw?' she whispered, after some time of delicious silence.
'Let me speak to her.'
'Oh, no! I owe it to her, - but what will she say?'
'I can guess. Her first exclamation will be, "That man!" '
'Hush!' said Margaret, 'or I shall try and show you your mother's indignant tones as she says, "That woman!" — Elizabeth Gaskell

Her gaze met his. "What do you want more than anything?"
Right now, he felt like he could gaze into her green eyes for a century or two. They were amazing, the way they flared with anger, twinkled with humor, or softened with compassion. "I want to be loved, honestly and truly loved, for who I am. And I want to love a woman with all my heart for all my life. I want to ache for her mind, for her body, for her companionship."
Her eyes widened. "Oh." (Toni & Ian) — Kerrelyn Sparks

You know what they say: A woman needs a man about as much as a fish needs a bicycle. — Candace Bushnell