Humor Taxes Quotes & Sayings

Never thought I'd see the day when Death was denied. That leaves taxes as the only certainty. — Piers Anthony

In all honesty, men changed a few rules when they became what was referred to as househusbands. Bill didn't make beds, cook, dust, do laundry, windows or floors, or give birth. What he did do was pay bills, call people to fix the plumbing, handle the investments and taxes, volunteer big time, take papers to the garage, change license plates, get the cars serviced, and pick up the cleaning. If women had had that kind of schedule, who knows, we'd probably still be in the home. — Erma Bombeck

Every culture has some ritual for joining two people together and making them stay that way, and ours is giving tax breaks. — Bauvard

I knew there was evil in the world. Death and taxes were all necessary evils.
So was shopping.
"I hate shopping," I muttered.
"Of course you do," Phaelan said. "You're a Benares, [the daughter of a long line of professional thieves]. We're not used to paying for anything." Phaelan was my cousin; he called himself a seafaring businessman. Law enforcement in every major city called him "that damned pirate," or less flattering epithets, none of them repeatable here.
...
"Have you considered something in scarlet leather?" Phaelan mused from beside me.
"Have you considered just painting a bull's eye on my back?" I retorted.
My cousin wasn't with me because he liked shopping. He was by my side because being within five feet of me was a guarantee of getting into trouble of the worst kind. Phaelan hadn't plundered or pillaged anything in weeks. He was bored. So this morning, he was a cocky, swaggering invitation for Trouble to bring it on and do her worst. — Lisa Shearin

Buttercup's mother whirled on him. 'Did you forget to pay your taxes?' (This was after taxes. But everything is after taxes. Taxes were here even before stew.) — William Goldman

I can't stand going out to one more dinner with some Mrs. So-and-So who might leave a million dollars to the Chicago Symphony Orchestra when she dies. — Daniel Barenboim

He was conservative, especially on the abortion issue, and he was death on taxes; on the other hand, he had a Clintonesque attitude about women, and even a sense of humor about his own peccadilloes. — John Sandford

Mothers reflect God's loving presence on earth. — William R. Webb

Death, taxes and childbirth! There's never any convenient time for any of them. — Margaret Mitchell

My parents had a gardener when I was growing up, and he and I would dig in the dirt together - my mom and dad were definitely not digging with me! When I was 5, he helped me plant some corn in our backyard, and I remember how fascinating it was to watch it grow. Little did I know that 50 years later I'd be growing corn in a different way. — Howard Graham Buffett

Whether we know it or not, we transmit the presence of everyone we have ever known, as though by being in each other's presence we exchange our cells, pass on some of our life force, and then we go on carrying that other person in our body, not unlike springtime when certain plants in fields we walk through attach their seeds in the form of small burrs to our socks, our pants, our caps, as if to say, "Go on, take us with you, carry us to root in another place." This is how we survive long after we are dead. This is why it is important who we become, because we pass it on. — Natalie Goldberg

Some peaceniks clear their throats by saying that, of course, they oppose Saddam Hussein as much as anybody, though not enough to support doing anything about him. — Christopher Hitchens

He's spending a year dead for tax reasons. — Douglas Adams

More than ever before, Americans are suffering from back problems, back taxes, back rent, back auto payments. — Robert Orben

I believe in 'Positives' not Negatives the only thing about Alcohol I'm Powerless over is those Damn Taxes — Stanley Victor Paskavich

Americans would not mind higher taxes if they were wrapped in bacon — Todd Davis

Most of them had, among all the factors in the campaign, noticed only what they regarded as Windrip's humor, and three planks in his platform: Five, which promised to increase taxes on the rich; Ten, which condemned the Negroes - since nothing so elevates a dispossessed farmer or a factory worker on relief as to have some race, any race, on which he can look down; and, — Sinclair Lewis

A number of people who I've talked to about this assume that I got into a fight with the cops. (Because of, y'know, the militant politics.) I actually had an audience member come up to me once and ask me if I paid taxes. Of course I pay taxes! I pay taxes for exactly the same reason that I hate paying taxes - because I think my government is terrifying and stupid. I don't need the IRS kicking my door down and taking my meticulously alphabetized collection of Tijuana bibles. — Phillip Andrew Bennett Low

Small numbers make no difference to God. There is nothing small if God is in it. — D.L. Moody

My life is studded with a series of coincidences. — Manju Warrier

He was getting to the point that he didn't understand why tax attorneys didn't just kill themselves. — Orson Scott Card

Death and taxes are the only two certainties in life, as Mark Twain once said. Or was it Benjamin Franklin? — Stephen Leather

The only difference between a tax man and a taxidermist is that the taxidermist leaves the skin. — Mark Twain

One writes things and the implications shriek- it's like suddenly realizing one's deaf. — John Fowles

At this point the question of Ukraine is the most important. The situation in Ukraine is very bad. If we don't take steps now to improve the situation, we may lose Ukraine. The objective should be to transform Ukraine , in the shortest period of time, into a real fortress of the U.S.S.R. — Joseph Stalin

I've always loved music. I listen to music the way a lot of actors watch movies. — Penn Badgley

Wouldn't you like to make sure all those millions you give to Uncle Sam went to schools and hospitals instead of nuclear warheads?'
As a matter of fact, he would. Playgrounds for big kids, preschool programs to little ones, and mandatory LASIK surgery for NFL refs. — Susan Elizabeth Phillips

This "freedom" put a proud people in chains
And turned free men into slaves
"Independence" made us weak
And slaughtered us
In the name of kindness
This is democracy by the whip
And the fear of chains
With a whirlwind at its core — Abdul Salam Zaeef

Then there was the man who declared in court, he wasn't a person. "Excuse me, sir, why haven't you paid your taxes." "Well, as you can clearly see, I am not a person." "Well, you look like a person." "No it's all done with mirrors, trust me!" — Lewis Black