Humor Shakespeare Quotes & Sayings

Let the doors be shut upon him, that he may play the
fool no where but in's own house. — William Shakespeare

Polonius: My lord, I will take my leave of you.
Hamlet: You cannot, sir, take from me anything that I will more willingly part withal ... — William Shakespeare

Better a witty fool, than a foolish wit. — William Shakespeare

BOTTOM
There are things in this comedy of Pyramus and Thisby that will never please. First, Pyramus must draw a sword to kill himself; which the ladies
cannot abide. How answer you that?

SNOUT
By'r lakin, a parlous fear.

STARVELING
I believe we must leave the killing out, when all is done.

BOTTOM
Not a whit: I have a device to make all well.
Write me a prologue; and let the prologue seem to
say, we will do no harm with our swords, and that
Pyramus is not killed indeed; and, for the more
better assurance, tell them that I, Pyramus, am not
Pyramus, but Bottom the weaver: this will put them
out of fear.

QUINCE
Well, we will have such a prologue; and it shall be
written in eight and six.

BOTTOM
No, make it two more; let it be written in eight and eight. — William Shakespeare

Have you not love enough to bear with me, when that rash humor which my mother gave me makes me forgetful. — William Shakespeare

Every time I do a movie like 'Finding Neverland' or 'Chocolat' or 'Shakespeare' in Love,' we deal with the creative process, but there's humor and fun along the way. I always love that kind of movie. — Harvey Weinstein

Such a mad marriage never was before. — William Shakespeare

An thou let part so, Sir Andrew, would thou mightst/ never draw sword again. — William Shakespeare

I gave you all!" screeched Lear, waving a palsied claw at Regan.
"And you took your bloody time giving it, too, you senile old fuck," said Regan. — Christopher Moore

Prior to Wordsworth, humor was an essential part of poetry. I mean, they don't call them Shakespeare comedies for nothing. — William Collins

More fools know Jack Fool than Jack Fool knows. — William Shakespeare

Benvolio- "By my head, here come the Capulets."
Mercutio- "By my heel, I care not. — William Shakespeare

My dull brain was wrought with things forgotten. — William Shakespeare

(aside) Oh, you are well tuned now,
But I'll set down the pegs that make this music,
As honest as I am. — William Shakespeare

If you expect me to believe that a lawyer wrote A Midsummer Night's Dream, I must be dafter than I look. — Jasper Fforde

In the State of Denmark there was the odor of decay ... — Roger Zelazny

O honorable strumpet — William Shakespeare

Into the breach, then. Against mobs of middle-aged moms and frightening harridans we shall prevail."
She nodded sharply, raising an invisible sword. "And damned be he - she - who cries, 'Hold, enough!'"
"Misquote Shakespeare in front of Samuel, I dare you," I told her, and she laughed. — Patricia Briggs

For what good turn?
Messenger: For the best turn of the bed. — William Shakespeare

Well, honor is the subject of my story. — William Shakespeare

I, measuring his affections by my own,
Which then most sought where most might not be found,
Being one too many by my weary self,
Pursued my humor not pursuing his,
And gladly shunned who gladly fled from me. — William Shakespeare

We will meet; and there we may rehearse most
obscenely and courageously.
Shakespeare, Midsummer Night's Dream. Spoken by Bottom, Act I Sc. 2 — William Shakespeare

This was like no library I had ever seen because, well, there were no books. Actually, I take that back. There was one book, but it was the lobby of the building, encased in a heavy glass box like a museum exhibit. I figured this was a book that was here to remind people of the past and the way things used to be. As I walked over to it, I wondered what would be one book chosen to take this place of honor. Was it a dictionary? A Bible? Maybe the complete works of Shakespeare or some famous poet.
"Green Eggs and Ham?" Gunny said with surprise. "What kind of doctor writes about green eggs and ham?"
"Dr. Seuss," I answered with a big smile on my face. "It's my favorite book of all time."
Patrick joined us and said, "We took a vote. It was pretty much everybody's favorite. Landslide victory. I'm partial to Horton Hears A Who, but this is okay too."
The people of Third Earth still had a sense of humor. — D.J. MacHale

My heart aches for you! But don't despair! I am persuaded you will come about! Recollect what the poet says! I'm not sure which poet, but very likely it was Shakespeare, because it generally is, though why I can't imagine! — Georgette Heyer

How Low am I, thou painted Maypole? Speak:
How Low am I? I am not yet so Low
But that my Nails can reach unto thine Eyes — William Shakespeare

Nothing is so common-place as to wish to be remarkable. — Oliver Wendell Holmes, Sr.

These be fine things, an if they be not sprites.
That'said a brave god and bears celestial liquor.
I will kneel to him.
--Caliban
Act II, scene 2, lines 116-118) — William Shakespeare

You lie, in faith; for you are call'd plain Kate,
And bonny Kate and sometimes Kate the curst;
But Kate, the prettiest Kate in Christendom
Kate of Kate Hall, my super-dainty Kate,
For dainties are all Kates, and therefore, Kate,
Take this of me, Kate of my consolation;
Hearing thy mildness praised in every town,
Thy virtues spoke of, and thy beauty sounded,
Yet not so deeply as to thee belongs,
Myself am moved to woo thee for my wife. — William Shakespeare

Suffer love! A good ephitet! I do suffer love indeed, for I love thee against my will. — William Shakespeare

BEROWNE: What time o' day?
ROSALINE: The hour that fools should ask. — William Shakespeare

And private in his chamber pens himself,
Shuts up his windows, locks fair daylight out,
And makes himself an artificial night.
Black and portentous must this humor prove — William Shakespeare

Beatrice: I wonder that you will still be talking, Signior Benedick: nobody marks you.
Benedick: What, my dear Lady Disdain! are you yet living? — William Shakespeare

The ability for anyone in our generation to self-amuse has sadly been bred out of our species. — Kim Askew

He kills her in her own humor. — William Shakespeare

You are full of pretty answers. Have you not been acquainted with goldsmiths' wives and conned them out of rings? — William Shakespeare

Observe him, for the love of mockery — William Shakespeare

- Where is Polonius?
- In heaven; send hither to see: if your messenger find him not there, seek him i' the other place yourself. — William Shakespeare

Hamlet: Farewell, dear mother
Claudius: Thy loving father, Hamlet
Hamlet: My mother. Father and mother is man and wife, man and wife is one flesh; so my mother. — William Shakespeare

You've never heard of the Trickster King?" Puck asked, shocked.
The girls shook their heads.
"The Prince of Fairies? Robin Goodfellow? The Imp?"
"Do you work for Santa?" Daphne asked.
"I'm a fairy, not an elf!" Puck roared. "You really don't know who I am! Doesn't anyone read the classics anymore? Dozens of writers have warned about me. I'm in the most famous of all of William Shakespeare's plays."
"I don't remember any Puck in Romeo and Juliet," Sabrina muttered, feeling a little amused at how the boy was reacting to his non-celebrity.
"Besides Romeo and Juliet!" Puck shouted. "I'm the star of a Midsummer Night's Dream!"
"Congratulation," Sabrina said flatly. "Never read it. — Michael Buckley

To be, or not to be: what a question! — E.A. Bucchianeri

Do you know me, my lord?'
Excellent well. You are a fishmonger. — William Shakespeare

Men of humor are always in some degree men of genius; wits are rarely so, although a man of genius may, amongst other gifts, possess wit, as Shakespeare. — Samuel Taylor Coleridge

FLUELLEN-
Ay, he was porn at Monmouth, Captain Gower. What call you the town's name where Alexander the Pig was born!
GOWER-
Alexander the Great.
FLUELLEN-
Why, I pray you, is not pig great? the pig, or the great, or the mighty, or the huge, or the magnanimous, are all one reckonings, save the phrase
is a little variations. — William Shakespeare

Nobody with any real sense of humor *can* write a love story ... Shakespeare is the exception that proves the rule. (90-91) — L.M. Montgomery

Ha. "Against my will I am sent to bid you come into dinner." There's a double meaning in that.
-Benedick (Much Ado) — William Shakespeare

Lo, lo, again! Bite him to death, I prithee. — William Shakespeare

I cannot speak your england. — William Shakespeare

I'm never growing up, I'll just sit in the corner of time and sip my juice box petulantly and judge your terrible Hamlet adaptations. — Rhiannon McGavin

The ultimate storyteller is Shakespeare, who was able to get the 'groundlings' to laugh at his bawdy humor and storylines but could still be studied by scholars to this day for the complexity of his language, meter, and symbolism. That's the real guy. — Jon Favreau

The thing about Shakespeare is you can only read his books if someone is making you. — Gabrielle Zevin

A knavish speech sleeps in a fool's ear. — William Shakespeare

Wooing, wedding, and repenting is as a Scotch jig, a measure, and a cinque-pace: the first suit is hot and hasty like a Scotch jig
and full as fantastical; the wedding, mannerly modest, as a measure, full of state and ancientry; and then comes repentance and with his bad legs falls into the cinque-pace faster and faster, till he sink into his grave. — William Shakespeare

JAQUES: Rosalind is your love's name?
ORLANDO: Yes, just.
JAQUES: I do not like her name.
ORLANDO: There was no thought of pleasing you when she was christened. — William Shakespeare

I can hardly forbear hurling things at him. — William Shakespeare

I'll show thee best springs; I'll pluck thee berries;
I'llift fish for thee and get thee wood enough.
A plague upon the tyrant that I serve!
I'll bear him no sticks, but follow thee,
Thou wondrous man.
---Caliban
(Act II, scene 2, lines 158-162) — William Shakespeare

Come, woo me, woo me, for now I am in a holiday humor, and like enough to consent. — William Shakespeare

You are the opposite of romantic. Did anyone ever tell you that?"
"I am full of romance. I like sunsets and the ocean and beaches and flowers and love songs and Shakespeare in the park and all that kind of shit." Eli's cheeks flushed. It was adorable on him. "I don't get what any of that has to do with sex."
"I'm not talking about sex, Eli. I'm talking about a kiss."
"Fine. I'll kiss the romantic fuck out of you. — K.A. Mitchell

Teagan: How long has it been since you read a book that didn't havevampires in it?
Abby: They write books with no vampires? Wait ... the penguins made us read that Shakesrear guy, right?
Teagan: Shakespeare. — Kersten Hamilton

LEELA: 'To be, or not to be, that is the question.' That is a very stupid question!
THE DOCTOR: It's Shakespeare.
LEELA: And that is a very stupid name. You do not shake a spear, you throw it! Throwspeare, now that is a name. — John Dorney

I was sorry to have my name mentioned as one of the great authors, because they have a sad habit of dying off. Chaucer is dead, Spencer is dead, so is Milton, so is Shakespeare, and I'm not feeling so well myself. — Mark Twain

It seems only fair," Matthew continued. "A bit of karma, if you will." He twirled the stake again. "Shall we see how long you scream?"
"Are you ever going to shut up?" I snapped, fear and irritation filling me in equal measures. "This isn't your monologue, Hamlet. It's the battle scene, in case you've forgotten."
His eyes narrowed so fast they nearly sparked. They were the color of honey on fire. One of the others growled like an animal, low in his throat. It made all the hairs on my arms stand straight up.
I was going to die for making fun of Shakespeare.
My English Lit professor would be so proud. — Alyxandra Harvey

To paraphrase Oedipus, Hamlet, Lear, and all those guys, I wish I had known this some time ago. — Roger Zelazny

i buy a thousand pound a year! i buy a rope! — William Shakespeare

A college of wit-crackers cannot flout me out of my humor. Dost thou think I care for a satire or an epigram? — William Shakespeare

ABRAHAM: Do you bite your thumb at us, sir?
SAMPSON [Aside to Gregory]: Is the law of our side, if I say ay?
GREGORY [Aside to Sampson]: No.
SAMPSON: No, sir, I do not bite my thumb at you, sir, but I bite my thumb, sir. — William Shakespeare

Therefore was I created with a stubborn outside, with an aspect of iron, that when I come to woo ladies, I fright them. But, in faith, Kate, the elder I wax, the better I shall appear. My comfort is that old age, that ill layer-up of beauty, can do no more spoil upon my face. Thou hast me, if thou hast me, at the worst, and thou shalt wear me, if thou wear me, better and better. — William Shakespeare

I suppose half the time Shakespeare just shoved down anything that came into his head. — P.G. Wodehouse

Many a good hanging prevents a bad marriage. — William Shakespeare

I'm not absolutely certain of my facts, but I rather fancy it's Shakespeare
or, if not, it's some equally brainy lad
who says that it's always just when a chappie is feeling particularly top-hole, and more than usually braced with things in general that Fate sneaks up behind him with a bit of lead piping. — P.G. Wodehouse

All of those faeries and duels and mad queens and so on, and no one quoted old Billy Shakespeare. Not even once. — Jim Butcher

I believe it was Shakespeare, or possibly Howard Cosell, who first observed that marriage is very much like a birthday candle, in that 'the flames of passion burn brightest when the wick of intimacy is first ignited by the disposable butane lighter of physical attraction, but sooner or later the heat of familiarity causes the wax of boredom to drip all over the vanilla frosting of novelty and the shredded coconut of romance.' I could not have phrased it better myself. — Dave Barry

And now to sleep, to dream...perchance to fart. — Anthony Bourdain

Goats and monkies! — William Shakespeare

DESDEMONA: I hope my noble lord esteems me honest.
OTHELLO: Oh, ay, as summer flies are in the shambles,
That quicken even with blowing. O thou weed,
Who art so lovely fair and smell'st so sweet
That the sense aches at thee, would thou hadst ne'er been born!
DESDEMONA: Alas, what ignorant sin have I committed?
OTHELLO: Was this fair paper, this most goodly book,
Made to write "whore" upon? — William Shakespeare

Ay, but hearken, sir; though the chameleon Love can feed on the air, I am one that am nourished by my victuals, and would fain have meat. — William Shakespeare

And I'll be sworn 'tis true. Travelers ne'er did lie,
Though fools at home condemn 'em.
---Antonio
(Act III, scene 3, lines 26-27.) — William Shakespeare

CASSIO: Dost thou hear, my honest friend?
CLOWN: No, I hear not your honest friend, I hear you.
CASSIO: Prithee, keep up thy quillets. — William Shakespeare

Want to talk about Shakespeare's sonnets?" asked Orphu of Io.
Are you shitting me?" The moravecs loved the ancient human colloquial phrases, the more scatological the better.
Yes," said Orphu. "I am most definitely shitting you, my friend. — Dan Simmons

Oh Blimey O'Reilly's pantyhose...what is the point of Shakespeare? I know he is a genius and so on, but he does rave on.
What light doth through yonder window break?
It's the bloody moon, for God's sake, Will, get a grip!! — Louise Rennison

Misery acquaints a man with strange bedfellows. — William Shakespeare

In brief, sir, study what you most affect. — William Shakespeare

When I was around 19 years old, working in the college library, I was talking to a friend of mine and this older woman interrupted and said "You're too young to know about Billie Holiday." My response was "I'm too young to know about Shakespeare, too ... should I not read him? — Wanda Lea Brayton

Speed. O jest unseen, inscrutable, invisible,
As a nose on a man's face, or a weathercock on a steeple!
My master sues to her, and she hath taught her suitor,
He being her pupil, to become her tutor.
O excellent device! was there ever heard a better,
That my master, being scribe, to himself should write the letter?
Valentine. How now, sir? what are you reasoning with yourself?
Speed. Nay, I was rhyming: 'tis you that have the reason. — William Shakespeare

One of the reasons why I love to do Shakespeare is that this great artist was able to talk to a wide variety of audiences. He could do the bawdy plays and the humor and the clowns-as you know, because you're a wonderful Stephano-that speaks to the populace, the masses, the groundlings, whatever. — Julie Taymor

Actors are so fortunate. They can choose whether they will appear in tragedy or in comedy, whether they will suffer or make merry, laugh or shed tears. But in real life it is different. Most men and women are forced to perform parts for which they have no qualifications. Our Guildensterns play Hamlet for us, and our Hamlets have to jest like Prince Hal. The world is a stage, but the play is badly cast. — Oscar Wilde

I cannot say your worships have delivered the matter well when I find the ass in compound with the major part of your syllables [ ... ] our very priests must become mockers if they shall encounter such ridiculous subjects as you are. When you speak best unto the purpose, it is not worth the wagging of your beards, and your beards deserve not so honorable a grave as to stuff a botcher's cushion or to be entombed in an ass's packsaddle [ ... ] more of your conversation would infect my brain, being the herdsmen of the beastly plebeians. I will be bold to take my leave with you. — William Shakespeare

I read Shakespeare and the Bible, and I can shoot dice. That's what I call a liberal education. — Tallulah Bankhead

It was one of those cases where you approve the broad, general principle of an idea but can't help being in a bit of a twitter at the prospect of putting it into practical effect. I explained this to Jeeves, and he said much the same thing had bothered Hamlet. — P.G. Wodehouse

What's in a name, anyway? That which we call a nose by any other name would still smell. — Reduced Shakespeare Company

Now, I did know a certain young lady of the 'romantic' generation of not so long ago who, after being mysteriously in love for several years with a certain gentleman whom she could have married at any time without the least difficulty, suddenly broke off their relationship, inventing for herself all manner of insurmountable obstacles, and one stormy night plunged from a high, precipitous cliff into a fairly deep and fast-flowing river, where she perished from her own caprice solely through her attempt to imitate Shakespeare's Ophelia, for, had the precipice, which she had long before singled out and been compulsively drawn to, been less picturesque, and had there been only a prosaically flat bank in its stead, perhaps there would have been no suicide at all. — Fyodor Dostoyevsky

I know that David Tennant's Hamlet isn't till July. And lots of people are going to be doing Dr Who in Hamlet jokes, so this is just me getting it out of the way early, to avoid the rush ...
To be, or not to be, that is the question. Weeelll ... More of A question really. Not THE question. Because, well, I mean, there are billions and billions of questions out there, and well, when I say billions, I mean, when you add in the answers, not just the questions, weeelll, you're looking at numbers that are positively astronomical and ... for that matter the other question is what you lot are doing on this planet in the first place, and er, did anyone try just pushing this little red button? — Neil Gaiman

How poor are they that have no patients! What wound did ever heal but by degrees?'"
"Shakespeare isn't going to save you this time, Superman. Your time's run out."
He scowled. "Perhaps I should have been studying The Taming of the Shrew! — Colleen Houck

Shakespeare in the park? Doth mother know you weareth her drapes? — Tony Stark

Here comes a pair of very strange beast, which in all tongues are called "fools". — Bill Shakespeare

Thou art very Trinculo indeed! How cam'st thou to be seize of this moon calf? Can he vent Trinculos? — William Shakespeare

In the nineteenth century, The Romantics viewed Nature as benign, a glowing reflection of God's grace. Now we know better. Nature is brutal and, if it is feminine, she's not the kind of woman you can trust. Human beings may be her finest achievement yet, but when you get right down to brass tacks, we're meat. AIDS and organisms like streptococcus don't give a crap that we subdued the earth or produced a Shakespeare ... — Rick Yancey

Swam ashore, man, like a duck; I can swim like a duck, I'll be sworn. — William Shakespeare

My father quoted Shakespeare to me often and when I lay a book down with splayed pages he told me better to be cruel to animals, children even, but never so cruelly treat a book. — Christine Wade

Who doth molest my contemplation? — William Shakespeare

Here comes Monseiur Le Beau.
Rosalind: With his mouth full of news.
Celia: Which he will put on us, as pigeons feed their young.
Rosalind: Then shall we be news-crammed.
Celia: All the better; we shall be the more marketable. — William Shakespeare