Humor Sarcasm Quotes & Sayings

I - though forced through lack of space to assume the form of a stoic guinea pig crouched between the girl's shoe and the glove compartment - was my usual dignified self. — Jonathan Stroud

I'm fully aware that some of the stuff I write is going to offend people or p*ss them off. They should be fully aware that I don't really care. — Briana Blair

I thought the line 'I am the daughter of the former governor of Alaska' was very funny. I think the word is 'sarcasm.' In my family we think laughing is good. My parents raised me to have a sense of humor and to live a normal life. — Andrea Fay Friedman

Was he hitting some type of werewolf midlife crisis? First, he'd left Wolf Town, and now he was envisioning a mate. What next? Bird watching? Board games? Retirement homes? — Rose Wynters

I'm sorry I missed the meeting and hurt your little feely-weels okay? — Nenia Campbell

Aww, did we masturbate through the tears last night? — Kresley Cole

Knives and candlelight," he said, "how romantic. — Nenia Campbell

Acardi! We should have killed him on the spot and you wouldn't let me! You didn't even listen."

"Fine," I said, glaring at him. "Next time you want to commit murder, give me a call. You dagger them, I'll chop them into little tiny pieces and toss them into the East River."

For the first time, I noticed the shadows beneath his eyes, the gauntness on his face. He lowered his voice, rubbing his temples as if he had a migraine. "This isn't the time for sarcasm, Liana."

"No, apparently it's murder time. — M. Kane

He had three
incision sites: one where the microscopic camera had gone in and
two where they'd done the actual work, and the abuse he'd taken
today went straight to her heart. "Oh, Pace."
"I'm guessing that wasn't an 'Oh, Pace, you're so sexy, take me.' — Jill Shalvis

Sarcasm is the lowest form of humor but the highest form of flattery. — Benjamin Franklin

You might as well laugh at yourself,
everyone else is. — B.J. Neblett

Oh I'd be more than happy to hold, I'll just spend the time working on that brain tumor. — David C. Holley

Why were you lurking under our window?"
"Yes - yes, good point, Petunia! What were you doing under our windows, boy?"
"Listening to the news," said Harry in a resigned voice.
His aunt and uncle exchanged looks of outrage.
"Listening to the news! Again?"
"Well, it changes every day, you see," said Harry. — J.K. Rowling

His long wait is almost done. I am sending Balon Swann to Sunspear, to deliver him the head of Gregor Clegane." Ser Balon would have another task as well, but that part was best left unsaid.
"Ah." Ser Harys Swyft fumbled at his funny little beard with thumb and forefinger. "He is dead then? Ser Gregor?"
"I would think so, my lord," Aurane Waters said dryly. "I am told that removing the head from the body is often mortal. — George R R Martin

If she hasn't learned to appreciate my sterling character and spectacular good looks by this time, it's not likely she will. — Elizabeth Peters

If you are reading this, I'm dead. Don't celebrate too much. Jesus is watching. — Katie Graykowski

So what were your favorite subjects in school?"
"School?" He leaned back in his chair as though he needed the extra space to think about it. "Probably math. It always made sense. Unlike English, economics, and girls."
"And exactly how do you plan on taking over the free world if you don't understand economics?"
"I'll hire advisers. I'll hire you, in fact."
"Okay. Let me know when your army of junior high zombies is ready. — Janette Rallison

Right. That's twenty-two fifty."
"Twenty-two fifty?" We can't hide our exasperation.
"Well, yeah - this is a classy joint, you know."
"That's obvious - the service is incredible. — Markus Zusak

I mean, I may not hold the record in cleaning house either, but if I've got old milk cartons that smell like maggots I bundle them up and put them out."
"I'm on a disability pension'" he said. "I'm socially incompetent. — Stieg Larsson

You know, most boys enjoy being trapped in close quarters with a girl. — Veronica Roth

Come humans, fulfill your evolutionary purpose adn build your hound a fire. Oberon — Kevin Hearne

Arch turned and looked at Ian. The other man was fiddling with the neckline of his shirt. "You're just jealous, Ian, and wishing you had a soul mate of your own. In fact, I don't think any woman will be safe until you get one." Ian shot him an unamused look at his words. — Rose Wynters

You know, sarcasm is the lowest form of wit.'
'And yet it is still extremely funny. — Cecelia Ahern

I don't know about your true form, but the weight of your ego sure is pushing the crust of the earth toward the breaking point. — Jim Butcher

What's that around your neck?" asked Emily.
"It's a golden star." Said Reed.
"What did you get it for?"
"Chemistry class."
"What's the star for?" the shadow asked, Usually stars represent a straight A student.
"You get it for having greatness. But Emily doesn't know what that is." He said, answering the shadows question and looking at Emily.
"Greatness, what's greatness?" Emily asked, all wide eyed, and clueless looking
"It's when you do really awesome stuff, and people recognize you for it."
"Oh, no" Emily laughed ."No, I don't know what that is. — Rumi Antoinette

It's sarcasm, Josh."

"Sarcasm?"

"It's from the Greek, sarkasmos. To bite the lips. It means that you aren't really saying what you mean, but people will get your point. I invented it, Bartholomew named it."

"Well, if the village idiot named it, I'm sure it's a good thing."

"There you go, you got it."

"Got what?"

"Sarcasm."

"No, I meant it."

"Sure you did."

"Is that sarcasm?"

"Irony, I think."

"What's the difference?"

"I haven't the slightest idea."

"So you're being ironic now, right?"

"No, I really don't know."

"Maybe you should ask the idiot."

"Now you've got it."

"What?"

"Sarcasm. — Christopher Moore

Alec looked at her and shook his head. "How do you manage never to get mud on your clothes?"
Isabelle shrugged philosophically. "I'm pure at heart. It repels the dirt. — Cassandra Clare

I always had to rely on humor and sarcasm. And when I started having kids, that doesn't work with kids. Kids don't understand sarcasm, and they certainly don't understand my humor. — Kurt Fuller

people don't generally believe themselves to be evil. Just strong. And they think that the world owes them something — Mary Elizabeth Summer

Should I pull on a shirt?" he asked with hint of amusement. I WILL NOT BLUSH. "No." He'd be doing the world a favor if he never wore a shirt again, but I wasn't going to tell him that part. "You're fine. — Gena Showalter

Sometimes we know people who are
too wonderful for words. I am not one of them.
Or you, for that matter, as you well know. — Michael Hogan

It's now very common to hear people say, 'I'm rather offended by that.' As if that gives them certain rights. It's actually nothing more ... than a whine. 'I find that offensive.' It has no meaning; it has no purpose; it has no reason to be respected as a phrase. 'I am offended by that.' Well, so fucking what.
[I saw hate in a graveyard
Stephen Fry, The Guardian, 5 June 2005] — Stephen Fry

Run everything on a generator," Haskel said. "Got to keep it a certain temperature for the stuff I carry. Not too cold. Not too hot. There's shit in here, weather got wrong, it'd go off and blow our asses all the way to Mineola. Maybe out in the goddamned Gulf."
"I don't like to travel that far unless I got plane tickets and a steward in my lap," Leonard said.
Haskel cut an eye toward Leonard. "You mean stewardess, don't you?"
"I don't think so," Leonard said, and let Haskel churn that one over. — Joe R. Lansdale

We both want you dead. I'm bringing the friendship bracelets to the next meeting. — Nenia Campbell

Just because it looks like a leprechaun and talks like a leprechaun, it doesn't mean it can't act like the little fucking demon it is. — N.L. Gervasio

Ah, Proph." Tom paused. "You did have a nightmare last night."
"And here I thought maybe I dreamed it," Prophet muttered sarcastically. — S.E. Jakes

You must have been going very fast."
"I was, until I hit the fence. — Anthony Horowitz

Yeah," Tamara said. "An old bowling alley. There must be a town not too far from here. But how could Aaron be there? And don't say something like 'working on his score' or 'maybe he's in a bowling league' or something like that. Be serious."
Call leaned against the rough bark of a nearby tree and resisted the urge to sit down. He was afraid he wouldn't be able to get up again. "I'm serious. It might be hard to tell in the dark, but I have my most super-serious face on. — Cassandra Clare

Miss Green can call a turd a rose if she wants, but that don't mean people's going to be lining up to smell it. — K. Martin Beckner

Maybe," he said in a slow, rural drawl, "you could explain to me why I found you in the middle of an orgy."
"Well," I said, "if you're going to be in an orgy, the middle is the best spot, isn't it. — Jim Butcher

Then the small man suddenly ran after them and said:
"I want to get my haircut. I say, do you know a little shop anywhere where they cut hair properly? I keep on having my hair cut, but it keeps on growing again."
One of the tall men looked at him with the air of a pained naturalist. — G.K. Chesterton

Are you insinuatin' that my daughter is a liar?"
"Oh, no, not at all. I'm saying your daughter is a liar. Surely you can appreciate the difference. — Kami Garcia

Well after that testosterone-shattering experience, I have no more dignity to worry about. Ever. Anyone have a cushion I can sit on? A really big fluffy one? Hell, let's even make it pale pink with bows on it just for good measure. — Sherrilyn Kenyon

With a sense of humor like that, you could make a living as a garbage man anywhere in the country. — Jim Butcher

You could heal him?" I asked, glancing at Hal.

"Could," said the wysling, "but won't, until I get what's mine."

I pressed my lips together and took a deep breath. "You're heartless and selfish."

"I agree," he said, steepling his pale hands together and pointing them at the floor. "Any decent human being would offer to heal him anyway. However, since I'm neither decent nor a human being, I feel pretty all right about it. — Mirriam Neal

I thank Lord Brahma that your preference doesn't extend to a man being loyal to same woman for many lifetimes! — Amish Tripathi

How touching. I think I'm gonna throw up. — Joss Stirling

I couldn't help thinkin' if she was as far out o' town as she was out o' tune, she wouldn't get back in a day. — Sarah Orne Jewett

Abby wouldn't want you to suffer because of some jerk that kidnapped her. She would want you to go on your trip so that she would have fun torturing you for not being a puddle on the ground with a box of tissues and an empty gallon of ice cream by your side. Then afterwards to hit you for thinking she was seriously hoping you would be doing that. — Ottilie Weber

Television is a dirty business. To survive in it you have to be part weasel, part python, and part wolf. To succeed in it, you have to be 99.9 percent great white shark. The capacity for barefaced lying also comes in handy, particularly if you are freelance. — Matt Dickinson

I don't know what it is about "magic happens"-stickers on cars but every time I see one I wanna get out my permanent marker and sneak over and write underneath it "so does cot death". — Tim Minchin

Thank you so much for the rude know-it-all attitude while also having to look at your ridiculously colored hair and obnoxious facial and chest piercings. I am very fortunate to have just been schooled by someone who looks like they graduated from Care Bear Carnage University. — Heather Chapple

You must be a blast on long car rides."
"Oh, I am. You haven't experienced fun until you try to fuck in the front seat of a Civic. — Nenia Campbell

Young people, nowadays, imagine that money is everything.
Yes, murmured Lord Henry, settling his button-hole in his coat; and when they grow older they know it. — Oscar Wilde

You couldn't find your dick in the dark, you scheming, sleaze-mongering scumwad. — Nenia Campbell

Coming into your powers can be a very confusing time. Perhaps there is a book on the subject. If you like, we can go see Marian.
Yeah, right. Choices and Changes. A Modern Girl's Guide to Casting. My Mom Wants to Kill Me: A Self-Help Book For Teens. — Kami Garcia

You see, that is the sad, sorry, terrible thing about sarcasm.
It's really funny. — Brandon Sanderson

Life's a party. So smile and eat shit and pretend it's fucking caviar. — Nenia Campbell

Death's got an Invisibility Cloak?" Harry interrupted again.
"So he can sneak up on people," said Ron. "Sometimes he gets bored of running at them, flapping his arms and shrieking ... — J.K. Rowling

You're just Little Miss Optimist, aren't you? Do you come with accessories, like a glass half full and lemons to make into lemonade, too? — Rachel Caine

I used to be a mddle-of-the-road kid, but now with my freaky looks I'm definately an outsider. Hooray. — Evan Kuhlman

Puppies are cute. I'm fierce!"
"Yeah!" Evelyn snorted. "Romas says you're as fierce as a kitten."
"A kitten?" Kiera's tone grew more hurt. "I'm not afraid of him, just because he's twelve feet tall and can bench press me with his toes. It's not nice of him to say that — Lizzy Ford

Nicholas is gay, isn't he," she says, her voice dripping with dejection.
I shrug, again remembering his proposition from last night. "Not necessarily. The jury's still out. There's hope for a Christmas wedding yet," I tell her. — L. H. Cosway

Why can't these American women stay in their own country? They are always telling us that it is the paradise for women.
It is. That is the reason why, like Eve, they are so excessively anxious to get out of it. — Oscar Wilde

By the Angel," Jace said, looking the demon up and down. "I knew Greater Demons were meant to be ugly, but no one ever warned me about the smell."
Abbadon opened its mouth and hissed. Inside its mouth were two rows of jagged glass-sharp teeth.
"I'm not sure about this wind and howling darkness business," Jace went on, "smells more like landfill to me. You sure you're not from Staten Island? — Cassandra Clare

A diary with no drawings of me in it? Where are the torrid fantasies? The romance covers? — Cassandra Clare

I almost short her once or twice, but the excitement ends there. — Becca Fitzpatrick

How's Alison getting on?'

Conway snorted. 'Tucked up in the sick room like she's dying in some season finale. Little fadey voice on her and all. She's having a great old time. — Tana French

It was Nathaniel's boundless capacity for stating the obvious that made him so charmingly human. — Jonathan Stroud

Sarcasm creates a chasm between yourself and others. — Gayle Forman

What are American dry-goods? asked the duchess, raising her large hands in wonder and accentuating the verb.
American novels, answered Lord Henry. — Oscar Wilde

Does Hallmark make a "Sorry I tried to drink your blood and touched you in a vaguely inappropriate manner" card? I settled for "How much do you remember? — Molly Harper

I tried to step back quickly but James grabbed my hand. "C'mon," he said "this'll be fun." Geez ... What's your definition of fun? Cuz mines not to possibly get killed my first day here. Or maybe that's just a personal goal, but still ... — Bella Shadow

I don't understand German myself. I learned it at school, but forgot every word of it two years after I had left, and have felt much better ever since. — Jerome K. Jerome

Do I have to get diapers?" he asked.
"Why, did Kade shit himself?" she laughed.
Dylan huffed loudly. Eyebrows knitted together, "DO I NEED TO GET BOTTLES?"
Jen rolled her eyes and shook her head as if he were crazy, "Don't you think it's too early to start drinking? You just got up ... "
"IS THERE ANYTHING IN YOUR OVEN?"
"I'M NOT BAKING ANYTHING, YOU MORON! WHY ARE YOU YELLING AT ME?"
My God, you have surrounded me with idiots. — Christine Zolendz

What is your collective GPA for this year?"
"Not as high as I'd like it to be."
Freud steepled his fingers in front of his mouth. "What about your parents?"
"I don't know. They haven't been in school for a while. — Nenia Campbell

Might have just been an innocent bystander, sir,' said Carrot
'What, in Ankh-Morpork?'
'Yes, sir.'
'We should have grabbed him, then, just for the rarity value — Terry Pratchett

The only thing that's fair about me is the colour of my hair. People should remember that. — James McClure

Does the Pope love Jesus? — Dana Marie Bell

The key to humor is often self-loathing or sarcasm. In a sense, that's how self-loathing is made palatable. — James Gray

Well, what do you want me to do? Head butt my way through a few inches of steel?!" she snarled.
"Well, that would certainly earn you a cookie! — S.L.J. Shortt

Don't worry, hero. If the vamp shows up, I'm here to protect you."
"Great, I can hide behind your massive ego. — Cassandra Clare

Aphorism, n. Predigested wisdom. — Ambrose Bierce

Come on, there's no one there. You want coffee?" Tess asked.
"Yeah, sure, why not? I'm only on the brink of a nervous breakdown. I don't imagine why caffeine wouldn't help this situation. — Frankie Rose

My new 9mm didn't fit my hand as well as my old one, but it was rapidly becoming a familiar weight. At first I'd decided it was okay to wear as long as I shot only at supernatural bad guys who were already shooting at me. Lately, I'd had to broaden that definition to anytime my life was in danger. I was currently leaning toward a slightly more comprehensive rule somewhere between proactive self-defense and the-bastards-had-it-coming, which, if I survived long enough, I intended to blame on my deranged partner rubbing off on me. — Karen Chance

You did not just say that. I have a feeling we're on the verge of hugging and coming up with cute nicknames for each other. — Richelle Mead

Jules stood up and stretched gracelessly. "Let's hurry up and pay before she"-she indicated Claire with a flick of her thumb-"sees something shiny and we lose her again. — Kimberly Derting

Enormous? Did you just call me FAT? I am not fat. - Jace — Cassandra Clare

He explained civilization to me. I mean how it looks to him. He's going to let it go on a little while longer. But it better be careful and not interfere with his private life. If it does, he's apt to make a phone call to God and cancel the order. — Raymond Chandler

A lot of people have it in for me. It's practically a school sport. — Nenia Campbell

Your quick 'no' is because I refused to say 'yes' to sex. They say men think with their dicks. I hope you do not run Easton with your - — Avery Aster

I'm not your boyfriend!" I snapped, trying to gently move her hands away from my body.
"How can you say that?" Sara asked in horror.
"It's shockingly effortless," I replied. "My vocal chords vibrate, and my mouth and tongue articulate. I can even do it without thinking." I had to remind myself to stay calm, and sarcasm was the best way to do that.
"When are you going to give me a key to your house so I don't have to knock like some guest?" Sara asked, coming at me again.
I backed away. "How about never? Is never good for you?"
Sara, undeterred, said, "You're the reason I go to therapy on Fridays."
"The plot thickens!" Gabby exclaimed for comedic relief. — Laura Kreitzer

- Why did blondes vote for Clinton?
- They didn't know how to read and thought she can make their life hilarious! — Bryanna Reid

If by 'foe' you mean a brutal killer, then I suppose I'd fall into the 'friend' category," I replied cynically. "Although in your case, we may have to find a secret option number three. — M.A. George

There is a great need for a sarcasm font. — Darynda Jones

We all make mistakes. Luckily for us, there are very few mistakes that cant be solved with a suitable application of either lipstick or hand grenades - Frances Brown — Seanan McGuire

I am your sire. I am to guide you through your first days as a vampire. Your first feeding is a rite of passage, a sacrament. It will not be wasted on some hormone-driven frenzy. This is why I wanted you to feed from me."
"I will not drink it in a house, I will not drink it with a mouse. I will not drink it here or there, I will not drink it anywhere," I wheezed, hoping I was able to communicate adequate sarcasm through the crippling belly cramps.
"Did you just quote Green Eggs and Ham? — Molly Harper

Double Sword Tavern." Tristan said, reading out loud. "Sounds charming and inviting. — B.C. Morin

It is time to buddle (scrub in water) all that is not illutile (unwash-awayable). Baudelaire said that humans were deluded if they thought they could wash away all their spots with vile tears, but Baudelaire was French and therefore knew nothing about hygiene or shower gel. — Mark Forsyth

Eragon went to see the dragon for the first time since it had spoken to him. He approached apprehensively, aware now that it was an equal.
"Eragon."
"Is that all you can say?" he snapped.
"Yes."
His eyes widened at the unexpected reply, and he sat down roughly.
Now it has a sense of humor. What next? — Christopher Paolini