Humor Rules Quotes & Sayings

What are the three most important rules of the chemist?"
This I knew from Ben. "Label clearly. Measure twice. Eat elsewhere. — Patrick Rothfuss

Here's an interesting fact: how you eat a gingerbread man says a lot about your personality. Head-first eaters are ambitious, independent, and magnetic. Feet-first are the more artistic, creative types, and those who start with the hands are kind and nurturing. Same rules apply to chocolate Easter bunnies. — Emma Chase

Why no s for two deer,
but an s for two monkeys?
Brother Quang says
no one knows.
So much for rules!
Whoever invented English should be bitten by a snake. — Thanhha Lai

In the cramped confines of the toilet I had trouble getting out of my wet trousers, which clung to my legs like a drowning man. The new ones were quite complicated too in that they had more legs than a spider; either that or they didn't have enough legs to get mine into. The numbers failed to add up. Always there was one trouser leg too many or one of my legs was left over. From the outside it may have looked like a simple toilet, but once you were locked in here the most basic rules of arithmetic no longer held true. — Geoff Dyer

Ramiel cocked an eyebrow.'We hope you will guide Kara and help her embrace her duties as a guardian angel-without the loss of her soul or rule breaking.'
David flashed his perfect teeth and put on an innocent look:'Me? Rule breaking? Never,your blessedness!I am a true believer in playing by the rules-you remember that.', he beamed. — Kim Richardson

They kill hundreds of people, those pilots. I would have loved to have flown the plane that dropped the bomb on Japan. A couple of dudes killed hundreds of thousands. That f****** rules! Yeah! — Evan Wright

In all honesty, men changed a few rules when they became what was referred to as househusbands. Bill didn't make beds, cook, dust, do laundry, windows or floors, or give birth. What he did do was pay bills, call people to fix the plumbing, handle the investments and taxes, volunteer big time, take papers to the garage, change license plates, get the cars serviced, and pick up the cleaning. If women had had that kind of schedule, who knows, we'd probably still be in the home. — Erma Bombeck

It's perfectly normal that extraordinary things happen to me. I'm an exceptional person. Oh, don't think I'm boasting. I mean to say that, unfortunately, I'm exceptional and that, unfortunately, I can't live by the rules. I must make my own. — Cocteau

Computers are like Old Testament gods; lots of rules and no mercy. — Joseph Campbell

That was Bud Caldwell's Rules and Things to Have a Funner LIfe and Make a Better Liar Out of Yourself Number 83 ... If a Adult Tells You Not to Worry, and You Weren't Worried Before, You Better Hurry Up and Start 'Cause You're Already Running Late. — Christopher Paul Curtis

Perezvon (the dog) ran about in the wildest spirits, sniffing about first one side, then the other. When he met other dogs they zealously smelt each other over according to the rules of canine etiquette. — Fyodor Dostoyevsky

There were still few rules at Down House, and Charles was not very good at enforcing the ones he and Emma did make. This was well known among his children. In 1855, when Lenny was about five, Charles walked in to find his son jumping up and down and tumbling all over a new sofa.
'Oh Lenny, Lenny,' Charles said. 'You know it is against all rules.'
'Then,' Lenny said to his papa, 'I think you'd better go out of the room.'
And so Charles did. — Deborah Heiligman

I gaped at what I saw next. She yanked his arm off and ate it. Gross! I knew she was hungry, but that was just ... well, against the school rules for one thing. — Imogen Rose

Would you like to sit?" Kellen asked her.
"You'd better do it soon," Owen whispered close to her ear, "or I'm going to bend you over that table and break the club's no-penetration-in-the-lounge rule. — Olivia Cunning

Dice Rules is one of the most appalling movies I have ever seen. It could not be more damaging to the career of Andrew Dice Clay if it had been made as a documentary by someone who hated him. The fact that Clay apparently thinks this movie is worth seeing is revealing and sad, indicating that he not only lacks a sense of humor, but also ordinary human decency. — Roger Ebert

First rule of thievery,' Eli said, grinning, 'only run if you're not coming back.' ( ... ) 'First rule of thievery, never use the same entrance twice.' Miranda rolled her eyes. 'How many 'first rules' of thievery do you have?' 'When one mistake can mean your head on a pike, every rule's a first rule,' Eli said cheerfully. — Rachel Aaron

By all the rules of modern fiction there should have been gunsmoke mingling its acrid blue with the brown haze of corral dust. Dead men should have fallen and been trampled ...
Nothing of this sort happened. — B.M. Bower

There are a number of rules that should be observed when one meets royalty, ranging from what one can say and when, to where one should stand, when one can sit, even where one should look. Sindy bobbed a nervous curtsy and, before being introduced, blurted out an invitation to come inside whilst looking John directly in the eye. — F.D. Lee

In You Are Not Dead Wendy Xu breaks all the old rules that have never done us any favors anyway. She writes beautifully, noticing who we are, and letting us see ourselves with a little more humanity, a little more humor, a little more humility. I'm happy to have read this book. — James Tate

The West Sister Dating Rules were clear on the matter of apologies. On the evolutionary scale of dating, a guy who apologized solely for the sake of ending the argument and getting back into your good graces was on the level of primeval slime - especially if he was clearly doing so merely because he was hoping for sex. The proper response was to unveil the offender's deceit by demanding he explain what exactly he was apologizing for, and then scorn him when he betrayed his ignorance. — Alex Gabriel

We have rules One-Ear." The man smiled faintly at Mrs. Francis. "Ladies are not to be hacked apart with swords. It reflects badly on pirates in general and on our outfit in particular. — Sean Cullen

If you're a boy, any display of sensitivity is gay. Compassion is gay. Crying is supergay. Reading is usually gay. Certain songs and types of music are gay. 'Enola Gay' would certainly be thought gay. Love songs are gay. Love itself is incredibly gay, as are any other heartfelt emotions. Singing is gay, but chanting is not gay. Wanking contests are not gay. Neither is all-male cuddling during specially designated periods in football matches, or communal bathing thereafter. (I didn't invent the rules of gay - I'm just telling you what they are.) — Gavin Extence

The scientific method is nothing more than a system of rules to keep us from lying to each other. — Ken Norris

Stanley always followed the rules. All sorts of things could go wrong if you didn't.
So far he'd done 1:Upon Discovery of the Fire, Remain Calm.
Now he'd come to 2: Shout 'Fire!' in a Loud, Clear Voice.
'Fire!' he shouted, and then ticked off 2 with his pencil.
Next was: 3: Endeavour to Extinguish Fire If Possible.
Stanley went to the door and opened it. Flames and smoke billowed in. He stared at them for a moment, shook his head, and shut the door.
Paragraph 4 said: If Trapped by Fire, Endeavour to Escape. Do Not Open Doors If Warm. Do Not Use Stairs If Burning. If No Exit Presents Itself Remain Calm and Await a) Rescue or b) Death. — Terry Pratchett

When you grow up the way I do, and the biggest thing in your life so far has been getting dunked in a glass tank by a man who acts like he's mugging you but says instead he's saving your soul, then celebrating your soul mugging at Sizzler with your parents (get the buffet by itself, not added on to a steak dinner, because the buffet already has sirloin tips), you need rules. And not their rules, not God's rules, but mine. My own. Here's on of Eliot's Rules for Dating:
When you first meet a girl, make sure you are accidentally conducting a chemistry experiment on your lips.
OK. I didn't say they were all good rules. — Brad Barkley

Kids are like pissing cats or burrowing moles, marking off land within land, each section with its own rules, beliefs, laws of engagement. — Zadie Smith

I hate when I break my own rules. What's the point of me being rational if I flail around like a clown? — Jesse Ball

RULES OF FAIRYLAND-BELOW
BEWARE OF DOG
ANYTHING IMPORTANT COMES IN THREES AND SIXES
DO NOT STEAL QUEENS
A GIRL IN THE WILD IS WORTH TWO IN CHAINS
NECESSITY IS THE MOTHER OF TEMPTATION
EVERYTHING MUST BE PAID FOR SOONER OR LATER
WHAT GOES DOWN MUST COME UP — Catherynne M Valente

You may think that you don't need to worry about actually learning the grammar rules because spell check and grammar check will come to your rescue. And I get it: spell check and grammar check are great. Every time I spot a red or green line in my writing, I check it out, and many times, although I hate to admit it, I have made a mistake. But spell check and grammar check are like vodka: they are definitely helpful but shouldn't be solely relied on to solve our problems. — Jenny Baranick

I like the sound of that, crashing Monica's party," he glanced at Michael, then quickly away. "What about you? That break some kind of vampire rules or something?"
"Blow me Shane."
"Boys," Eve said primly. "Language. Minor at the table."
"Well," Shane said, "I wasn't actually planning to do it."
Claire rolled her eyes. "Not like it's the first time I've heard it. Or said it."
"You shouldnt say it," Michael said, all seriousness. "No, I mean it. Girls should say 'eat me' not 'blow me'. Wouldn't recommend 'bite me' though. Not around here. — Rachel Caine

Araminta had generally considered the laws of etiquette as the rules of the chase, and divided them into categories: those which everyone broke, all the time; those which one could not break without being frowned at; and those which caused one to be quietly and permanently left out of every future invitation to the field. — Naomi Novik

Never sleep with a lady only once, especially in the case of an older lady.
-'Rhett — Rowena Cherry

Apparently you don't have to observe the Rules of Etiquette when reuniting with a muderous spouse. — Jennifer Rardin

God does not play dice with the universe; He plays an ineffable game of His own devising, which might be compared, from the perspective of any of the other players [i.e. everybody], to being involved in an obscure and complex variant of poker in a pitch-dark room, with blank cards, for infinite stakes, with a Dealer who won't tell you the rules, and who smiles all the time. — Terry Pratchett

So I need to lay down some ground rules."
"Rules for the use of the ground?" He's gazing out the window. "Am I still allowed to step on it? — Eva Morgan

Knowledge empowers people. If people know the rules, and are sensitized by art, humor, and creativity, they are much more likely to accept change. — Antanas Mockus

I'm the first to admit that I don't write right. Now, relax and enjoy the show! The sideshow, that is. — Lori R. Lopez

Small Man can be a very funny or a very tiresome Tour Companion, depending on how this kind of thing grabs you. He gambles, he drinks too much and he always runs away. Since the Rules allow him to make Jokes, he will excuse his behaviour in a variety of comical ways. Physically he is stunted and not at all handsome, although he usually dresses flamboyantly. He tends to wear hats with feathers in. You will discover he is very vain. But, if you can avoid smacking him, you will come to tolerate if not love him. He will contrive, in some cowardly way, to play a major part in saving the world. — Diana Wynne Jones

One: Don't play leapfrog with elephants.
Two: Don't pet a tiger unless his tail is wagging.
Three: Never, ever, mess with the Ladies Auxiliary.
-Mayberry Rules for a Long, Happy Life — Lauren Myracle

What? You mean this crap shack isn't part of the Four Seasons. Shocking. — Ashley Elston

ALL GLORY TO THE SCIENCE RULES OF SCIENCE! — Seanan McGuire

I don't make the rules, I just make it up. — L. Davyd Pollack

Cole - I just thought of a new game.
Jaz - What's that?
Cole - Splat the Specter.
Jaz - Rules?
Cole - You can help me make them up. Right now all I know for sure is that it involves water guns filled with grape Kool-Aid and two ferrets named Biff and Chlamydia.
Vayl - Why Ferrets?
Jaz - Really? You want to know about his choice of pets when he's named one of them after an STD? — Jennifer Rardin

Unless you're in an early seventies-era Eagles cover band, a founding member of a religious cult, or sleeping under a bridge in Seattle, lose the beard and get a haircut. Power doesn't have time for any form of hirsute hipster self expression. — Ari Gold

Throughout the years I have set up my own rules about eating food: Never eat anything you can't pronounce. Beware of food that is described as, Some Americans say it tastes like chicken. — Erma Bombeck

In my own field, x-ray crystallography, we used to work out the structure of minerals by various dodges which we never bothered to write down, we just used them. Then Linus Pauling came along to the laboratory, saw what we were doing and wrote out what we now call Pauling's Rules. We had all been using Pauling's Rules for about three or four years before Pauling told us what the rules were. — J. D. Bernal

I see the beginning, I see the end. And in the middle I just hope I don't fall on my ass to much — Shehanne Moore

No point making rules against things that are impossible. — G. Norman Lippert

Life has three rules: Paradox, Humor, and Change.
- Paradox: Life is a mystery; don't waste your time trying to figure it out.
- Humor: Keep a sense of humor, especially about yourself. It is a strength beyond all measure
- Change: Know that nothing ever stays the same. — Dan Millman

Learn rules carefully so you can break them properly — Anonymous

Ridcully sighed.
'All right, you fellows,' he said. 'No magic at Table, you know the rules. Who's playing silly buggers?'
The other senior wizards stared at him.
'I, I, I don't think we can play it any more,' said the Bursar, who at the moment was only occasionally bouncing off the sides of sanity, 'I, I, I think we lost some of the pieces ... — Terry Pratchett

We played for about half an hour before I realized we were actually playing two different games. What I'd thought of as ludo was actually a game called gin rummy, and what Warren was playing seemed to be a mixture of craps and table tennis. Once we started playing by one consistent set of rules, though, the fun was really over. — Graham Parke

People always talk about how great it is to get older. All I saw were more rules and more adults telling me what I could and couldn't do, in the name of what's " good for me." Yeah, well, asparagus is good for me, but it still makes me want to throw up. — James Patterson

There's a reason caveman started to develop sophisticated tools before the meteor wiped them all out: It's so they could fucking shave. Do you know how frustrating it must have been to be hunched over all night trying to start a fire only to finally succeed just to have your beard go up in flames? No aloe vera back then. — Ari Gold

As far as I can tell, there are two basic (kissing) rules: 1. Don't bite anything without permission. 2. The human tongue is like wasabi: it's very powerful, and should be used sparingly. — John Green

They follow meaningless, boring rules and live meaningless, boring lives."
Ahh," I say. "Except for you, of course."
That's right."
Because you eat butter straight from the pan."
She arches her eyebrows, like Hey, I call it like I see it.
Whatever," I say. "I'm not going to eat Snoopy just to make a statement. — Lauren Myracle

I don't have many rules to live by," he'd said. "But here's one. It's simple. Don't put anything unnecessary into yourself. No poisons or chemicals, no fumes or smoke or alcohol, no sharp objects, no inessential needles
drug or tattoo
and ... no inessential penises either. — Laini Taylor

3) Saturday night is the official meeting night of Penny Lane's Lonely Hearts Club. Attendance is mandatory. Exceptions are for family emergencies and bad hair days only. — Elizabeth Eulberg

She who ne'er answers till a husband cools, Or, if she rules him, never shows she rules; Charms by accepting, by submitting, sways, Yet has her humor most, when she obeys. — Alexander Pope

Echo lived her life according to two rules, the first of which was simple: don't get caught.
........ Some rules it would seam were meant to be broken..........
Rule number two, Echo thought snagging a pork bun from a food stall as she sailed past it. If you do get caught, run. — Melissa Grey

Mr. Klamp laid down the law. No tardiness, no talking above 40 decibels, no untied shoelaces, no visible undergarments, no eating, no chewing gum, no chewing tobacco, no chewing betel nuts, no chewing coca leaves, no chewing out students (unless Mr. Klamp was doing the chewing out), no chewing out teachers (unless ditto), no unnecessary displays of temper (unless ditto), no unnecessary displays of affection (no exceptions), no pets over one ounce or under one ton, and no singing, except in Bulgarian. I began to think Mr Klamp wouldn't be so bad ... — Polly Shulman

Sports have nothing to do with fair play. They are bound up with hatred, jealousy, boastfulness, disregard of all rules and sadistic pleasure in witnessing violence — George Orwell

Eschew surplusage. — Mark Twain

Destiny, you need to learn something. Rules are made to be broken."
My mouth almost unhinged itself from sheer disbelief. "Hannah, we could get in big trouble."
"Not if we don't get caught," she said with a naughty grin.
With that kind of attitude, I didn't see how Hannah was going to last three months at Bethel. These people were all about rules, and strict ones at that. — Cindy Ray Hale

When the lower half rules, the upper half suffers. — George Sorbane

I don't use airplane bathrooms. As a rule. And I really don't like breaking rules. (It's kind of one of my rules.) I mean, if I'm going to plummet to my death, it's not going to be with my pants around my ankles. — Lauren Morrill

Whatever, I make my own rules! — Kelly Oram

NO PDA,school rules. And besides she's my partner dickhead. said Alex. — Simone Elkeles

Let's see, you will need a project plan, resource allocation, a timeline, test cycles, a budget, a contingency budget, lots of diagrams, flowcharts, a media release, a strategic vision, a charter, technical specifications, business rules, travel expenses, a development environment, deployment instructions, a user acceptance test, stationary, overtime schedule, a mock-up, prototypes ... "
"Tell me," she said, "did the people who built the pyramids have any of those?"
"Mostly, they had beer. Come to think of it, if there had been such a thing as a Business Analyst in ancient Egypt, then the hieroglyph for it would have been very graphical, if you know what I mean. — Sorin Suciu

Moments later as we crossed the road to the 50's diner, I recited the restaurant rules in my head one more time.

Rule one: Keep your hands clean.
Rule two: Careful with the food trays.
Rule three: Visit the soda fountain as often as you like, but don't make yourself sick.
Rule four: Enjoy the poodle skirt. — Kate Willis

All lines are gray in the dark. — Nenia Campbell

There are two rules for sucess:
1. Never tell everything you know. — Roger H. Lincoln

The rules took a while to sort out. Lena and Carmen wanted to focus on friendship-type rules, stuff about keeping in touch with one another over the summer, and making sure the Pants kept moving from one girl to the next. Tibby preferred to focus on random things you could and couldn't do in the Pants
like picking your nose. — Ann Brashares

Boyfriend huh? I didn't realize we had taken things to that level."
"Oh, I'm sorry
this is my first undercover operation," Jordan said. "I'm a little unclear about the rules. Are we seeing other people in this fake relationship? — Julie James

If you were to gather all the minutes wasted on insignificant, immaterial yik yak spent throughout the day and add them up, how much misspent time do you think you'd have? One hour? Two hours? Consider the sunk cost on that. It's unacceptable. One minute wasted is one minute too much. — Ari Gold

I have three rules to live by: Get your work done. If that doesn't work, shut up and drink your gin, and when all else fails, run like hell. — Ray Bradbury

No mountain is too high, but so many people can't climb even a hill. There is always a way to the top, but so many people can't even get the mid and many miss the way. Life is real and the journey of life comes with rules. Mind the real and distinctive rules that lead to success and you shall get to the very peak of the mountain of success surmounting all barriers, challenges and puzzles along the journey to success with a great degree of ease! — Ernest Agyemang Yeboah

New rules. If you are smart enough to live, you won't hit Charles's mate in front of his father. — Patricia Briggs

He who rules must fully humor as much as he commands. — George Eliot

As the Dark Lord spoke when he saw the Archangel Michael descending upon him: We are in some serious shit. — C.T. Phipps

I don't know anything but the simplest rules of English grammar, and I seldom consciously apply them. Nevertheless, I instinctively write correctly and, I like to think, in an interesting fashion. I know when something sounds right and when it doesn't, and I can tell the difference without hesitation, even when writing at breakneck speed. How do I do this? I haven't the faintest idea. — Isaac Asimov

Amy let him lead her to the dance area. She gasped when he immediately tugged her body against his. Clearly Erik had not learned the dance rules taught at St. Francis High School. He didn't leave room for air, much less a holy presence. — Ana Blaze

Nick could see the gun shaking in Alan's hand now, in tight, terrified spasms. "Last night we put a magician in the river," Alan said, his voice low and intense as if he was making a promise."Maybe we should send you to join him."
"You know the rules," the woman whispered. "Don't shoot the messenger."
Nick interrupted, leaning down to speak in her ear. "Do they say 'Don't cut the messenger in half with your great big sword'? — Sarah Rees Brennan

I tried to lighten the mood, and pointed at the house shoes - the last things I'd have expected to see Catcher Bell wearing. "And the shoes?" I asked with a grin.
"My house, my rules. These shoes happen to be comfortable," he said "If you two roamed around the house naked and carrying bows and arrows before I moved in, it's none of my business. — Chloe Neill

Rules and school are tools for fools! I don't give two mules for rules. — Trenton Lee Stewart

Why can't the world be simpler, like it is for guinea pigs? They only have a few rules: Crying will get you attention. If it fits in your mouth, it's food. Scream if you don't get your share. — Cynthia Lord

An old mind is a thing to fear
The truth, in its purest form is boring
Through comedy, a person can hide his/her shortcomings and reach high ground. — Alberto A. Arcia

To spend too much time in them [studying] is sloth, to use them too much for ornament is affectation, to make judgment wholly by their rules is the humor* of a scholar ... . — Francis Bacon

I saved you," Andersen said at last, slowly but firmly, like Pat was an idiot child who had to be reminded of the basic rules of the universe. To wit: Gravity exists. Time purports to flow in a linear fashion, but it's only trying to fool us. I saved you. — Alex Gabriel

Don't be afraid to make an ass of yourself. I do it all the time, and look what I got. (Spoken at a graduation ceremony while holding aloft an honorary doctoral degree from McGill University) — William Shatner

Opportunities are like night owls. They like to streak naked and howl at the moon. A lot of success in life comes down to luck. So put yourself in a position to get lucky. Because you know what happens if you don't go out?

Nothing. — Ari Gold

Humor is a developed sense, stemming basically from cruelty. The more primitive a mind, the less selectivity exists. ... A man slips on a banana peel and breaks his back. The adult stops laughing at that point, the child does not. And a civilized ego finds embarrassment as acutely distressing as physical pain. A baby, a child, a moron is incapable of practicing empathy. He cannot identify himself with another individual. He is regrettably autistic; his own rules are arbitrary — Lewis Padgett

I'm trying to figure the rules. This isn't yin and yang, it's more like yin and yank. The past few days I've been going, OK, she doesn't mix the ... romance so well with the single-mindedness of the police work. So it gets me wondering, Is the solution for me to give up our working relationship? Stop my magazine research so we can-?"
Nikki grabbed him into a deep kiss. Then she pulled away and said, "Will you shut up? — Richard Castle

Ranger plays by his own set of rules, and I don't have a complete copy. — Janet Evanovich

The irony of rule followers is they often quote a lot of people that do not follow as many rules as they do. — Shannon L. Alder

God, I hate rogue necromancers," said Magnus. "Why can't they just follow the rules?"
"Probably because the biggest rule is 'no necromancy'?" Emma suggested — Cassandra Clare

I am not really breaking any rules. Charlie said I could never take another step through the door again ... I came in through the window ... Still, the intent was clear, said Edward. — Stephenie Meyer

I have such a respect for comedy. It's a lot harder than doing drama, in my opinion; you have to have sort of an innate sense of humor. There are rules to comedy you can learn. But ultimately, it really does require a certain point of view on the world, and that really does appeal to me. — Elizabeth Banks

In my fantasy world everyone has a happy ending. No one is told who they should be, how they should feel, who they are allowed to love, what they should believe and how they should look. Sadly, everyone in my world can't seem to get along with one another because everyone is so darn different. — Shannon L. Alder

You have responsibilities, now, Bob. You must lose this naive understanding of violence! You are embarrassin' me in front of the lads! You can't play by their rules or they'll win unfailingly! You don't engage in courtly play-fightin' with one such as this. You get a great friggin' tree-branch and keep hittin' him with it until he dies. — Neal Stephenson