Humor Offense Quotes & Sayings

I know I'm asking a lot. You'd need to start talking, stop growling, and bathe. No offense meant, but you look like a crazy man the way you are. — Melissa Haag

Are you calling me stupid?"says Emby.
"I think I just did."
Hayden laughs. "Hey, the Mouth Breather's right-unwinding does help people. If it wasn't for unwinding, there would be bald guys again-and wouldn't that be horrible? — Neal Shusterman

No offense, Jaron, but I don't want your life. Even locked away behind closed doors I got a taste for how awful it can be."
"Did anyone try to kill you while I was gone?"
"No."
"Then you didn't even get a taste. — Jennifer A. Nielsen

Are you going to keep her?"
"Yes."
"Does she know it?"
"Not yet."
Ramsey overheard the conversation and laughed heartily. "I assume you've considered all the problems, Brodick."
"I have."
"It won't be an easy life for her living with - " Ramsey began. Brodick finished his sentence for him.
"Living with the Buchanan clan. I know, and I worry about her adjustment."
Ramsey grinned. "That's not what I was going to say. It won't be easy for her living with you. Rumor has it, you're a difficult man to be around."
Brodick didn't take offense. "Gillian's aware of my flaws."
"And she'll still have you?" Winslow asked.
"As a matter of fact, she has refused to marry me."
Knowing Brodick as well as they did, both Ramsey and Winslow began to laugh again.
"So when's the wedding?" Ramsey asked. — Julie Garwood

Chicken Soup for the Soul". You've heard of these books, am I right? We've all heard of them. But I wonder if you're aware of just how many "Chicken Soup" books exist on the planet. No offense, but I doubt it. I doubt it because in the time it would take you to come up with a number, the number would have become obsolete. Even as you read this, in some quiet, fecund place, another "Chicken Soup" book is being born. — Marisa De Los Santos

There's a lot of pointing. A festival of pointing and at very close range to other people's eyes, given the width of the space. Also detracting from the exhibit's potential tranquility is the display cabinet of pinned specimens along one wall. I found this disturbing from the start. You don't see a whole lot of stuffed polar bears in the polar bear exhibit at the zoo, for instance. And butterflies have phenomenal vision so it's not like they can't see the mass crucifixion in their midst. I was offended on behalf of the butterflies and thus pleased with my offense. Let the empathizing begin! This volunteering thing was working already. I am a good person, hear me give! — Sloane Crosley

Applied war is where the money's at. I don't mean that figuratively. Defense is 140% of the UVE budget. Offense is twice that. This is possible because there is no budget for math education. — Zach Weinersmith

Adieu, Lord Dain," she answered without turning her head. "Have a pleasant evening with your cows."
Cows?
She was merely trying to provoke him, Dain told himself. The remark was a pathetic attempt at a setdown. To take offense was to admit he'd felt the sting. He told himself to laugh and return to his ... cows. — Loretta Chase

Canada?" Ash said. "You didn't say it was in Canada.
"I said Ontario." (Maya)
"I thought you meant Ontario, California."
"Seriously?" Tori said,rolling her eyes. "A helicopter to California? You may be hot,but your sister clearly inherited all the brains in the family."
"Did she call me hot?" Ash whispered to me, looking more annoyed than he ever did when someone called him a jerk.
"She hasn't been on a date in six months", Derek rumbled behind us. "No offense, but as long as aren't related to her, you're fair game. Hell, even
"
Tori spun on him. "I didn't know."
"Um, wait a sec," Corey said. "So Ash is hot and I'm seriously cute? Is there a difference?"
"Yes," Hayley said, and propelled him through the line. — Kelley Armstrong

New Rule: A dog is the only animal that can get you laid. No offense, parrot guy, but it's not gonna happen. When women see you, they're not thinking, "I bet that guy is interesting," they're thinking, "That bird better not shit on my dress. — Bill Maher

The earl shook his head, exhibiting a degree of frosty offense that could only be achieved by an aristocrat whose wishes had just been gainsaid. "I've never heard of a man being so eager to confess to the parent of a girl he's just ruined," he said sourly. — Lisa Kleypas

Lack of education," old Mrs. Sharpe said thoughtfully, "is an extraordinary handicap when one is being offensive. They had no resources at all. — Josephine Tey

You mean a bad heel?" I said. "Couldn't I just, like, wear something besides sandals? No offense."
-Percy — Rick Riordan

Anything designed to be inoffensive isn't worth your time
life itself is pretty offensive, ending as it does with death. — Holly Lisle

That caravan looks as if it's all Vorin. Also, you look a little spindly for a Horneater."
"Did you just insult the princess's weight?" Tyn asked, aghast.
Storms! She was good. She actually managed to produce angerspren with the remark.
Well, nothing to do but soldier on.
"I am offend!" Shallan yelled.
"You have offended Her Highness again!"
"Very offend!"
"You'd better apologize."
"No apologize!" Shallan declared. "Boots! — Brandon Sanderson

I mean
no offense, Leonard, but you really don't like to climb ropes, and get into the Marine Corps, and kill your countriy's enemies, do you?"
I said that it wasn't one of the big goals of my life.
"Well, maybe you'd like me to get you into this corrective gym class, where you can study toe dancing, and grow up to be a little Commie, sissy boy," Mr. Jerris said.
I told him I would like that just fine ... — Daniel Pinkwater

I've been stabbed before. Barely a week ago, in fact. AND I've been audited, AND I come from a broken home. In short - no offense, shorty - you don't scare me. — MaryJanice Davidson

No offense, doll, but that's not something I'm willing to share. I'd prefer to live a long and happy life if it's all the same to you."
"You can't just throw out vague allegations and then say nothing else!"
"See, that's the good thing about being a fugitive like me. I can do what the hell I like, and I'm not answerable to anyone." Stepping away from the bars, he stands with his legs stretched out wide. His stance matches his grin.
"Sure looks like that's working out well for you," I say, piercing him with a scornful look. — Siobhan Davis

I need a victim and no offense Yuki, but your carrot sticks are lacking in controversy. — E.J. Stevens

And you expect us to take the word of your ... very pregnant wife, over a DNA test? No offense, but pregnancy tends to lower a female's IQ."
Burnett turned to the warlock, but before he could add his two cents - which didn't look as if it would be pleasant - Holiday added her own.
"That's funny," she said, but without humor.
"I've heard it also makes us vicious if provoked. And for your information, I'd be happy to put my IQ up against yours, pregnant or not."
Hunter, C. C. (2014-05-20). Reborn (Shadow Falls: After Dark) (p. 336). St. Martin's Press. Kindle Edition. — C.C. Hunter

Falderson," he said quietly to Bahzell in passable Navahkan, "is as stupid as the day is long." He craned his neck to gaze up at the hradani and shook his head. "In fact, he's even stupider than I thought. You, sir, are the biggest damned hradani-no offense-I think I've ever seen. — David Weber

Humor is a great defense, and an offense too. Usually the recipient isn't too happy about it, but the people around are laughing. — Robin Williams

Perhaps there isn't anything Alec is afraid of."
Magnus glanced at Alec and raised his eyebrows. "Boo," he said.
Jace was grinning. "Come on, surely you've got a phobia or two. What scares you?"
Alec thought for a moment. "Spiders," he said.
Clary turned to Luke. "Have you got a spider anywhere?"
Luke looked exasperated. "Why would I have a spider? Do I look like someone who would collect them?"
"No offense," Jace said, "But you kind of do."
"You know"
Alec's tone was sour
"Maybe this was a stupid experiment."
"What about the dark?" Clary suggested. "We could lock you in the basement."
"I'm a demon hunter," Alec said, with exaggerated patience. "Clearly, I am not afraid of the dark. — Cassandra Clare

It may not seem like much, but grand theft auto is still a pretty serious offense. — Elle Todd

Jericho stopped him before he left. He slid the ring off his finger and handed it to him. "Take this."
Asmodeus curled his lip as he shrank back from it. "I'm not about to marry your ugly ass, boy. No offense, but you ain't my type. I like my dates with less body hair ... and with female parts attached by nature."
Jericho let out an aggravated growl. "It's not a wedding ring, asshole. It's Berith's ring. You get into trouble you can summon him to help you get out of there."
That completely changed his attitude. "Oh, hey, that could be worth an engagement to you." Asmodeus grinned as he palmed it. "If I'm back in a few hours ... well, I don't want to think about that. I might change my mind about doing this. I'm thinking happy thoughts. Creamed dog innards and rotten steak. Yeah. Yum." He vanished. — Sherrilyn Kenyon

Such frankness, even over good tidings, was a further offense to Mr. Fremlin. He felt that it was casual and indecent. Like most countrymen, he had a great respect for traditional mysteries. A little skill decently wrapped up impressed him far more than twice the amount flung nakedly at his feet. Old Dr. Milsom had satisfied his sense of propriety. Never, never would he have told a patient whether or not she was going to live or die; the temperature was his secret, even the name of the complain transpired only in dark hints. Standing by the bedside he would shake his head and purse his lips and consult his gold turnip-watch, so that you felt you were getting the benefit of a rare and esoteric wisdom. — Dennis Parry

We what? Walk around the city seven times in seven days and blow our trumpets? Forgive me, my Commander, but what is that going to do, kill them with laughter?" The other commanders snickered. Joshua chose not to be angry. He thought it was rather silly himself. "Our god has quite a sense of humor, does he not? But nevertheless, he did tell me that is what we should do. So, unless you have a better idea than Yahweh, Salmon, I suggest we obey him and see his salvation." Salmon was duly chastised. "Forgive my offense, commander." Joshua said with a smile, "You are forgiven, Salmon. You are too good of a spy." Caleb was impressed with Joshua's temperament. His sense of holiness would normally be offended at remarks like that. Perhaps he was beginning to appreciate Yahweh's sense of humor after all. Joshua ended his remarks, "And remember, Commanders, avoid the home with the scarlet rope. Caleb and Salmon, you will be responsible for Rahab's deliverance. — Brian Godawa

Humor is so subjective, not everyone is going to get what you are peddling. Others will be offended when what you meant no offense whatsoever. Those are the stakes. You have to be able to stand up for yourself and what you've written. Comedy pushes limits, makes people uncomfortable, and is a natural reaction to the environment. Otherwise, as I said, it is forced. Let it flow and give your characters permission to cross a line or two, but only if you can take the heat afterward. — Darynda Jones

Nothing reveals a man's character better than the kind of joke at which he takes offense. — Georg C. Lichtenberg

The best defense is a confusing offense. — Kimberly Pauley

Bradley shook his head in amusement, For twins, you and your brother are nothing alike. I used to wonder what it would be like to have a twin, but now ... No offense, but I'm rather glad I came by myself. — Nicole Sager

It's now very common to hear people say, 'I'm rather offended by that.' As if that gives them certain rights. It's actually nothing more ... than a whine. 'I find that offensive.' It has no meaning; it has no purpose; it has no reason to be respected as a phrase. 'I am offended by that.' Well, so fucking what.
[I saw hate in a graveyard
Stephen Fry, The Guardian, 5 June 2005] — Stephen Fry

Yes, Fraulein,' he said to Hannah. 'How gauche of you to have been born in another county. It is almost a capital offense. Here in this house we believe that one must be severely punished for the happenstance of one's birth.' His face was a jester's mask of mockery, but there was a tightness about his eyes, a tense set to his smile. 'What a dilemma for the English, though- we agree with Germany on so many things, including the patent inferiority of anyone who is not US. Darling Mum, did it ever occur to you that to the rest of the world, WE are foreigners?'
'The very idea!' Lady Liripip said with a nervous titter. — Laura L. Sullivan

You made me laugh at your jokes.
You made me cry at your criticism.
You made me shout at your lies.
Then I noticed how in every case someone else was present,
hearing you without laughter or tears or anger.
I alone reacted.
I see now; you never made me laugh or cry or rage.
I chose to find humor.
I chose to take offense.
I chose to feel scorned.
The truth is, you never had power over me. — Richelle E. Goodrich

He laughed, a low, sexy growl, as she moaned in obvious frustration. "Patience is a virtue," he said.
"Torture is a federal offense," she replied. — Carla Cassidy

The second time, I had a freakin' vampire at my back." I froze. Oh shit. "No offense, Mr. Moreau," I quickly added.

"None taken, Agent Fraser. During the course of my lengthy life, I have been called many things, but 'freakin' has never been one of them. I'll consider it a novelty. — Lisa Shearin

They don't fit you?" V asked his roommate.
"Not the point. No offense, but these are wicked Village People." Butch held his heavy arms out and turned in a circle, his bare chest catching the light. "I mean, come on."
"They're for fighting, not fashion."
"So are kilts, but you don't see me rocking the tartan."
"And thank God for that. You're too bowlegged to pull that shit off."
Butch assumed a bored expression. "You can bite me. — J.R. Ward

She raised a sharp eyebrow at him. "Vlad, no offense, but look at you. If you're not a vampire, you're clearly the most anemic goth I've ever seen." ... "We believed you. Because that's what friends do."
pg267 October to Vlad — Heather Brewer