Humor Jen Quotes & Sayings

I want sprinkles. — Jen Jones

When she gets rattled, the South really comes out. Once when Daddy tried to cancel our country club membership because he said the dues were too high, she went from zero to Atlanta burning in zero point five seconds. — Jen Lancaster

Amen,' I exclaim, accidentally spitting out a Raisinet. I pick up the chocolate with a Kleenex and stuff it in my purse. Ten bucks says a month from now I'll have forgotten about it and will finally have said heart attack when I assume a rat shat in there. — Jen Lancaster

Today you, my dear Felicia, look incredibly delightful, and I assure you, I'm not trying to humor you in the least. — Jen Turano

This is the moment I have dreaded, the very reason why we kept running, even when it seemed hopeless. We all seemed to believe if we kept running, we would never die. But what exactly had we been hoping to find in the end? A magical place where the infection hadn't spread? A castle surrounded by gumdrops and cotton candy? — Jen Naumann

He really did posses the ability to be extremely annoying when he set his mind to it. — Jen Turano

I still believe in the Holy Trinity, except now it's Target, Trader Joe's, and IKEA. — Jen Lancaster

But ever since I made the decision to drop a few pounds-way less easy than it sounds, by the way-I've become obsessed with my size and in so doing I've inadvertently allowed my inner critic to have a voice. And you know what? She's a bitch. Like now when I see my underpants in the laundry, I no longer think Soft! Cotton! Sensible! Instead I hear her say Damn, girl, these panties be huge. — Jen Lancaster

In the real world, in the grand scheme of life, this year is going to count for exactly nothing. These are the friendships that don't last and the choices that don't count. All those things we freak out about now, like who's going to be class president and are we going to win the game this weekend- there's going to be a time when we can't remember caring about them. In exactly three hundred and sixty five days from right now, wearing your letter jacket will make you look like the lamest of losers. — Jen Klein

I will say one thing about those males, there is never a dull moment." Peri suddenly appeared causing everyone to jump.
"Bloody hell," Jen barked.
"Couldn't you send out some sort of signal that you're about to appear out of thin air?" Lilly asked.
"What do you expect me to do ... fart just before I appear so the smell alerts you?" Peri took a seat next to Alina and crossed her legs, appearing regal despite her crude words.
"Why do you say we would be alerted by the smell, rather than the sound?" Sally asked.
Peri smiled. "I think you humans call them silent but deadly. — Quinn Loftis

CUSTOMER: Oh, look, these books are all signed. (Pause) I wonder who signed them ? — Jen Campbell

Fane and Jacque looked up from the table when they heard Sally's singing all through the cafeteria. She was belting out at the top of her lungs Train's "Meet Virginia". A very pissed off looking Jen was dragging her IV pole as quickly as she could without falling, trying to catch up to her quarry. By the time Sally had reached the table, she had tears "streaming down her face from laughing so hard. She leaned over the table, panting, finishing her serenade. "Her confidence is tragic, but her intuition magic, and the shape of her body, unusual, meet Virginia!" Sally ended dramatically, arms in the air like Vanna White indicating where Jen now stood. Much to Jen's chagrin the entire cafeteria broke into applause.
Jen pasted on her most dazzling smile and waved at everyone adoringly, but to Sally she muttered under her breath, "This is war. — Quinn Loftis

He sent Eliza a small smile before turning to Lawrence. "What say you and I return to the hotel for a bit? I need to check on my daughter, and you need some time away from my sister." Not giving Lawrence an opportunity to reply, Grayson took him by the arm and hurried him out of the room.
It was lovely to have a big brother again. — Jen Turano

One would think that since Hamilton and Eliza only just got married, our mothers would be satisfied for a while, but instead they seem to have come to the conclusion that everyone needs to enter into the state of wedded bliss. Quite frankly, they've turned scary. — Jen Turano

Felicia (to Grayson) - To think Eliza truly does seem to be under the misimpression that you're capable of charm. — Jen Turano

If you're anorexic, you're doing it wrong."
I swat him with a dish towel. "No, no, I mean anorexics look in the mirror, and even if they're eighty pounds, they still see a fat girl. I'm a hundred pounds heavier than I was in high school, my veins are full of creme fraiche, and yet I look in the mirror, take in the hair and makeup, and think, Damn, baby, you fiiine. — Jen Lancaster

Jen, get a clue and read Wadim's shirt." Jacque told her dryly.
Jen looked over at Wadim who, oh so helpfully, pulled his shirt out so that she could read it.
In black bold letters it said, "No really, I'm a werewolf and you're a human, which essentially translates into a steak with legs."
"Are you implying that Wadmin's going to eat me, cause I don't know how Dec would feel about that. — Quinn Loftis

That's why you're going directly back to the house. The last thing we need is for you to end up in jail again, and I'm quite certain disassembling another lady's hair falls under the category of assault. — Jen Turano

I have this idyllic love life, but my mind just won't accept that. I would like to bring a new guy home every night. I try to make humor out of that situation. — Jen Kirkman

Felicia- Tell me, are my whiskers on straight?
Cora- I truly never thought I'd be having that question asked by my daughter, but yes, they're on straight. — Jen Turano

I was moving briskly. Well, until I realized I had a crazy lady chasing after me. Then I started to run. — Jen Turano

No, it's not a 'corpse thing.' I feel I lack the emotional capacity to deal with those in mourning ... — Jen Lancaster

And you've actually watched it yourself?' I asked. 'Willingly?'
Sure. I had to see it, you know? Besides we should be safe. Only one in twenty viewers actually had a bad reaction. And it was mostly kids who were affected. I mean younger than you guys. I think the average age was about ten.'
That made me feel somewhat better.
But that was a kid's show,' said Jen. 'Maybe it affects everyone, but not that many adults were watching.'
That made me feel less better. I wanted my protective bangs back. — Scott Westerfeld

I want to read the entire dictionary, but I am afraid that someone is going to spoil the ending! — Jen Selinsky

Piper- I didn't like Mr. Wilder.
Eliza- He's not so bad, Piper, if you overlook his tendency to be condescending.
Agatha- And narrow-minded and chauvinistic.
Gloria- I think a nice cup of tea is in order before we continue our discussion of Mr. Wilder and his many faults. May I suggest we make ourselves comfortable in the parlor? — Jen Turano

Actually, I believe there are only two kinds of women in this world: Martha people and Oprah people. That doesn't mean one can't have an affinity for both of them, but my theory is that every chick is more firmly in one camp than the other. The typical Oprah woman is all self-actualized and best-life-y and Eat, Pray, Love. The Big O seems like the kind of gal who'd insist we all spend the afternoon wearing jammy pants. And how fun would that be?!
But Martha?
She's not putting up with that nonsense, and that makes me adore her all the more. She'll tell you what to eat, where to pray, and who to love, and I appreciate the guidance. — Jen Lancaster

CUSTOMER: Do you have this children's book I've heard about? It's supposed to be very good. It's called Lionel Richie and the Wardrobe. — Jen Campbell

Arabella- Why you felt it was imperative for me to leave my house in a traveling trunk is still beyond me. You did see Zayne and Hamilton drop it, didn't you?
Theodore- They told me to tell you they were very sorry about that.
Arabella- Yes, I could tell they were dreadfully sorry, especially with all the laughter I heard through the one air hole someone considerately remembered to provide. I think gentlemen in general are deranged. — Jen Turano

I'll see you there little Red.' Fane's voice faded out of her mind and she could feel his humor. Oh, wasn't he just too cute, picking up on her two best friends' idea of a sick joke - to turn her into the little girl who almost wound up as the wolf's dinner.
"My, what big eyes you have, wolf-man," Jacque said out loud, unable to stop her sarcasm from boiling up.
"The better to see you with love," Jen chimed in.
"What big ears you have!" Sally continued their comic relief.
"The better to hear you with my love," Jen followed.
"What big teeth you have!" Sally mocked, her hands on either side of her face.
"The better to eat you with my love," Jen cackled, but she wasn't finished. True to Jen form she added her own twisted sense of humour. "My, what a big-"
Sally slapped a hand over her mouth, quickly realising where Jen was going with that statement. — Quinn Loftis

The best way to keep your house spotless is to begin writing a novel. — Jen Knox

Although I like a good scary movie, I've never actually believed anything paranormal or supernatural could be real ... until today. Magic genies, witch spells, and magic troll dolls with funky bright hair are other ideas that have crossed my mind. It also occurs to me that I may be going crazy, and will have to be committed before I finish high school. — Jen Naumann

Okay, Jen, he could fuck you with that voice alone and you're Squeaky McSqueakerson? Let's try for a little more on the sexy purr side, please — Katie Allen

I thought cobblers just ate shoe leather" Jocelyn says as she and her shadow dance by us.
I've had enough of this one. "I never have, but if you want to try leather, I'm happy to shove some down your throat. — Jen Calonita

You want to change? Lose the bitch. Be nicer to people. Stop telling them to "bite you" and threatening to kick them until they're dead. — Jen Lancaster

Sally laughed. "When you first told me you were interested in Decebel, I honestly thought that there was no way you two would ever work. But man, you are both such freaks, I honestly don't think anyone else could put up with either of you."
"Or keep up with us." Jen winked. — Quinn Loftis

I've determined the ideal job for me is one where I can write clever essays about my life and my employer will give me enough money not only to live a comfortable existence, but also to buy many, many new pairs of shoes. — Jen Lancaster

Decebel pulled Jen close in a show of gentleness that she was beginning to notice he only displayed to her. "You don't always have to be the strong one."
"That's where you're wring, Dec. I do, for them. Sally, Lilly, and at times even Fane. I have to be the one who believes so strongly that we will get her back that I can be sarcastic. That I have the luxury of bringing humor be it light or dark into this majorly messed up situation. And not that we will just get her back, but that we will get her back whole. There are worse things than death to a woman, Decebel. — Quinn Loftis

Miss Sumner, may I inquire as to why you're lounging on the floor?" Mrs. Watson asked.
Miss Sumner uttered something which sounded very much like "it should be obvious" before she lifted her head. "You really must compliment your staff, Mrs. Watson. This floor is remarkably clean. — Jen Turano

There is no greater torture than being forced to watch as your love, your reason for living, breathing, and existing, sinks into oblivion. Your heart stops no matter how you try to get to her, she just gets farther and farther away." ~Fane from 'Beyond the Vail'

"Attention shoppers, just a brief announcement, crazy ass werewolf on isle three. Those with abundance of testosterone, don't touch their lady merchandise and you might walk out of here intact." ~Jen from 'Fate and Fury'.

"In the event of some sort of gathering, if one of the bossy, overbearing, possessive fur balls has not flipped his switch and attacked some poor young pup in some misguided attempt to protect his woman's virtue, then the night is not over." ~Jen from 'Beyond the Vail — Quinn Loftis

I yearn to be a woman of more depth, but I'm not so fond of the path I'd need to follow to get there. — Jen Lancaster

Fletch then kisses me on the forehead before opening the cabinet under the coffeemaker to grab placemats and napkins. Retrieving these items is his job because I kind of don't like to bend. I also refuse to carry anything heavier than my purse. — Jen Lancaster

Maybe love is something we're meant to say casually and not regard as a prize from a treasure chest that a person earns. — Jen Glantz

Ok, let me just write that down for you since you seem to think I'm you personal assistant," Sally responded, her tone clipped.
"You ever noticed how assistant starts with ass? Do you think that's a coincidence?" Jen shrugged her shoulders as she raised her eyebrows at Sally. — Quinn Loftis

Fletch is back from Austin, and turns out what sounded great on paper didn't match up to reality. He says its so hot down there, I'd spontaneously combust the second I stepped off the plane. Plus with humidity turning the air as thick as oatmeal, my hair would always be a disaster. So, Austin's out. — Jen Lancaster

Theodore- Hello, Grandmother. You're looking more beautiful than ever.
His grandma- You did have to inherit your looks from someone. — Jen Turano

When you say gorgeous," Jen started, "are we talking Brad Pitt boyish good looks, or Johnny Depp make ya want to slap somebody?" "No, we're talking Brad and Johnny need to bow down and recognize" Jacque answered. — Quinn Loftis

I could not recall the last time I had been so flagrantly insulted.

Don't make enemies, I told myself.
Swallow your pride.
Hold your tongue.

But the fact was, I had real difficulty with those particular virtues. — Jen Crane

CUSTOMER: Is your mother around ?
BOOKSELLER: ... I run this bookshop.
CUSTOMER: Oh. Sorry. — Jen Campbell

Do I have to get diapers?" he asked.
"Why, did Kade shit himself?" she laughed.
Dylan huffed loudly. Eyebrows knitted together, "DO I NEED TO GET BOTTLES?"
Jen rolled her eyes and shook her head as if he were crazy, "Don't you think it's too early to start drinking? You just got up ... "
"IS THERE ANYTHING IN YOUR OVEN?"
"I'M NOT BAKING ANYTHING, YOU MORON! WHY ARE YOU YELLING AT ME?"
My God, you have surrounded me with idiots. — Christine Zolendz

Agatha - You're somewhat odd. You know that, don't you?
Felicia - I'll take that as a compliment.
Agatha - It wasn't meant as such ... — Jen Turano

Plain boiled food, plain boiled thinking. Even his name is plain boiled: John. Maybe because I grew up with black bean sauce and hoisin sauce and garlic sauce, I always feel something is missing when my son-in-law talk. — Gish Jen

I spread my arms. In the Rainbow Jungles of Ever there lives what I affectionately call, killer ducks. — Jen Wylie

- You are exceedingly annoying.
- Thank you.
- It was not a compliment. — Jen Turano

I'm instantly mortified by my fat, uncontrollable mouth, but that's when it occurs to me that my humor is a self-defense mechanism. Even though I may come off like a stark raving asshat, being funny is the most important tool I have to stay sane. The ability to say what I think is the key to allowing me to feel in control. — Jen Lancaster

-Am I allowed to call you Grayson, or have you assumed a new identity as well?
-He's Frank. — Jen Turano

You know, I just had a thought," he drawled.

"Is that a new occurence for you? Is your brain tingling?"

Cash and Jen — Elle Kennedy

CUSTOMER: If I were to, say ... meet the love of my life in this bookshop, what section do you think they would be standing in? — Jen Campbell

Humor's an excellent way to make a point more palatable and/or relatable. — Jen Lancaster

Did you say 'yes' to going out on a date with him?" Sally asked Jacque. "All I got to say is if she said no, she might not want to go to sleep tonight 'cause I'm going to dye her hair blonde to compliment her being a dumb ass," Jen told them. "Uh, Jen, you're a blonde," Jacque pointed out. "No, not really, God just got it wrong and it was too late to change it once He noticed. — Quinn Loftis

Jeffrey to Felicia - Given your peculiar fashions over the past four years, I'm afraid you've caused people to believe you're a little insane. — Jen Turano

His question is pretty dangerous for me to try to answer, so I don't - it continues to hang out there like the stained underwear at a slumber party that goes unclaimed. — Jen Naumann

Cost to clean deeply soiled rugs: $200.
Cost to replace shiny, black, stack-heeled, pilgrim-toed boots: $185.
Cost to fix every single delicious table and chair leg in the house: $490.
Life with two shelter dogs: fucking priceless. — Jen Lancaster

I can cry at the drop of a hat."
"You find hat-dropping distressful?"
"If it's a nice hat, and it has dropped in the mud, certainly. I could cry about that for days. — Jen Turano

You know what it was like? It was like thinking I was heading to a surprise party and instead it was a surprise pap smear. — Jen Lancaster

Love is like the human appendix. You take it for granted while it's there, but when it's suddenly gone you're forced to endure horrible pain that can only be alleviated through drugs. — Reverend Jen

We're all guilty of saying insincere things at one point or another, if only just to make the moment not totally suck as much as it truly does. — Jen Naumann

Ambien might have mentally just tossed my salad. WITH CROUTONS. — Jen Lancaster

Ever since I made the decision to drop a few pounds - way less easy than it sounds, by the way - I've become obsessed with my size, and in so doing I've inadvertently allowed my inner critic to have a voice. And you know what? She's a bitch. Like now when I see my underpants in the laundry, I no longer think Soft! Cotton! Sensible! Instead I hear her say Damn, girl, these panties be huge."
"Your inner critic has terrible grammar."
"I know, it's the only way I can take away some of her power over me ... — Jen Lancaster

Suddenly, Blaze appears, alone. "She's in the middle of something really important. What do I tell her?"

Jen groans. "Tell her she gets to hack into the CIA's system. She won't be able to pass that up. — C.B. Cook

You're here. I'm here. I love you. I'm gonna pee all over the floor about it. — Jen Sincero

In truth, he had always considered the sight of men eating croissants slightly ridiculous, especially at the beginning, when for the first bite they had to maneuver the point of the crescent into their mouths. No matter what a person did, he ended up with an asymmetrical mouthful of pastry, which he then had to relocate with his tongue to a more central location. This made him look less purposive than he might. Also, croissants were more apt than other breakfast foods to spray little flakes all over one's clean dark suit. Art himself had accordingly never ordered a croissant in any working situation, and he believed that attention to this sort of detail was how it was that he had not lost his job like so many of his colleagues. — Gish Jen

It was fortunate she loved him because he really was an idiot. — Jen Turano

She reached the powder room and shut the door behind her, jumping in fright at the sight that met her gaze in the mirror, until she realized it was her reflection. She peered closer and grinned.
She looked deranged. — Jen Turano

All due respect to the Resurrection, but two-becoming-one might be the greatest miracle ever. — Jen Hatmaker

Bookshop Customer: 'Who wrote the bible?'
Customer's friend: 'Jesus. — Jen Campbell

Thank you, Caillou, for having a nonphonetic title so my son cannot look you up on Netflix. — Jen Hatmaker

Harriet's mouth dropped open. In her world, urgent meant someone died, the rent was overdue, or dinner could not be served due to lack of funds. It never meant one was anxious for a delivery of hats. — Jen Turano

Demons, werewolves, zombies
they're all supposed to be for entertainment purposes only. — Jen Naumann

I'm a humor writer, so I don't always present myself in the best light. — Jen Lancaster

Hamilton found it difficult to concentrate on what Eliza was saying. Her lips were moving rapidly, but he couldn't actually decipher what the words coming out of her mouth were. It was such a lovely mouth, and he found it quite quirky, given the fact that it could assume different positions with alarming frequency. Like now, it was pursed in a most attractive manner, and now ... it was moving again as if the lady could not get the words out fast enough. His gaze traveled upward, past the eyes that were flashing and settled on her hair. He couldn't help but appreciate the efforts of Mabel. The curls she'd been able to produce on Eliza's head, well, they were tantalizing. He had the strangest urge to reach out and touch them, to feel with his own hand if they were as soft as they appeared, something he'd been contemplating ever since he got a good look at her in the dining room. He pulled abruptly back to reality when Eliza poked him in the chest. — Jen Turano

The second prong in my revised Trinity is IKEA, the Swedish home store monolith. If you're unfamiliar, they carry every single thing you could possibly ever need to fill your home and garden at low, low prices, but in obscure Swedish sizes so those items won't coordinate with anything else you own, like, say, if you want to put a regular Target lamp shade on your IKEA lamp. Fletch thinks it's Sweden's master plan to make Americans so busy trying to construct furniture with Allen wrenches that we don't notice they've invaded us. (Personally, I think it's payback; the Swedes are pissed that we aren't buying ABBA albums anymore.) — Jen Lancaster

Yeah, I'm over forty, flighty, and fluffy- I'd say I'm not ideal bouncer material. — Jen Lancaster

You think you're so cool just because you can walk! — Jen Lancaster